Need dp to back off when it comes to his opinions of my dc. Any advice on how to do this sensitively?

[Pinkjenny]

Dp and I have been together for almost two years. The dc only met him for the first time at Christmas, and largely, things are fine, ds is 4yo and dd is 6yo. Dp has two dc as well, but for various reasons, I haven't met them yet, they are 18yo and 13yo, so really a completely different kettle of fish imo. He is a good dad by all accounts, his 13yo dd adores him, they have a wonderful relationship, but he has a much less close bond with his son. From what he's told me, his ds was a very quiet child, very happy in his own company, and a bit of a loner. My 4yo ds really could not be any more different. He is incredibly loud and boisterous, and non-stop. Like most other 4yo boys I know, to be honest.

Dp lives 130 miles away from us, so when he is with us, it is always for a couple of days. My ds still has a dummy, just inside the house, but it is permanently in his mouth. Dp has a big problem with this, and the second time ds met him, he was going on and on and on about it, calling him a baby, and ds whacked him in the face. Obviously not good, and ds was suitably chastised. A couple of weeks later, I had a chat with dp, told him that whilst I wasn't a fan of the dummy either, he needed to leave the parenting to me. I think he is just so used to playing the 'dad' role, that he thinks this is where he slots in.

This weekend he has been here (he's gone now, obv...), and we've had more dummy battles, apparently I give in too much, he doesn't like the way that ds wrestles with my mum (she's fun grandma to the extreme!) and tears from me last night. He also doesn't like the whinging.

So good luck with that.

I tried to talk about it with him last night, but dp is very much the type of person that needs time to reflect on something, and can't have a sensible conversation about it for a few days. Otherwise he's dead defensive.

We are very lucky that we are able to spend lots of time alone, when the dc are with ex-dh, but I am becoming concerned about the way I feel when he is here, as I am on edge.

Is this normal? Am I expecting too much too soon? Should I reconsider. I don't know. This is unchartered territory for me. It is the first relationship I've had since ex-dh, and my parents are still together.

I don't really know what to think. His behaviour has really taken me by surprise, I never expected this to be such an issue at all.

Your question was how to tell him to back off sensitively.

You can't. It has to bwe clear, decisive and firm.

His reaction will tell you what to do. You have to make the dc a super priority, if he won't back off, he goes.

That simple.

You need to get all mumma bear on his arse.

Agreed.

Yup to the Mamma Bear thing :)

OP you are perfectly entitled to do that you know? It's not unreasonable. Even if you don't like confrontation - you can do it calmly and clearly, it doesn't have to be heated.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I also understand how difficult this is. Recently my boyfriend came to stay with his child and me and my child. Both the children were fairly hard work but over the course of the second day I became concerned that I felt his way of speaking to them was overly negative.

When they were in bed I talked to him about this. His reaction? He agreed, apologised and wasn't sure where the negativity was coming from. We talked it through and then downloaded and began to read a parenting book together and did some exercises from the book. The next day his tone was different and I could see how hard he was working on this.

Frankly had his reaction been defensive or he had taunted my child (or his) and then repeated the behaviour whilst being critical of how they interacted in a fun way with a relative? I would have had a much different reaction and be extremely questioning of if I would have allowed him anywhere near my child again.

I get it's hard because I had moments where I was thinking 'shit if he doesn't respond well to this talk I need to seriously evaluate what is otherwise an excellent relationship'. Luckily I am satisfied that he is taking steps to address difficulties positively.

However I will be keeping a close eye on how things develop and yea if push comes to shove that's it I am afraid.

What you describe here though with defensiveness and also repeating behaviour you have already said is not acceptable is really worrying. And over a dummy? Sure I agree that at aged four perhaps it is time to think about the 'dummy fairy' paying a visit, but that ought to be on your terms and gently, not shaming a child for continuing this habit.

If I were in this situation I think I would try to look at things this way - Say I was taking my four year old on the school run and a parent in the playground, having spoken to the four year old a couple of times started up with calling him a baby for it? How would I react then?

It's just really mean behaviour. I would understand if someone is a bit dumb and didn't realise how upsetting it would be to do this, but reacts to address it when the issue is raised? But I think his reaction is telling you a lot about what to expect if he continues to be part of your children's lives.

I think I would give it one more chance in terms of making it crystal clear this stuff is not acceptable and you need to talk about WHY it's been happening.

If he cannot get on board with that what does it say about how he will react to other situations, not only with your kids but if you and he have disagreements?

One last question to ask yourself might be..you say you get on fine other than this issue, but what actually happens when you disagree? Have you ever really had a significant difference of opinion / fight? If so ho was it resolved?

We don't argue that much. It's hard to compare.

I've been in your shoes. I know EXACTLY what you're feeling.

My 2 DS were 5 & 8 when I met my exP 6 years ago. We bought a house together 12 months after meeting - biggest mistake I ever made.

Over time, not initially, he criticised the way my kids ate, spoke, acted & behaved. I have 2 very boisterous, loud, normal boys and he disliked them so much that towards the end he ignored them, he didn't even say hello to them. He had 2 very quiet (at the time) DD. He didn't get boys at all! I really don't know why he stuck around for so long tbh!

There is loads more that I could say but I'd be here all day. We split last December and my days of walking round on egg shells are over.

I loved him and as a couple we were great but at 5pm on a Sunday eve when my boys came home from their dad's the whole dynamics of the house changed.

If he's like this now he will have no problem ramping it up as time goes on.

But you wouldn't argue at all i'd say, not after such a short time together and with the distance issue, you've probably not actually shared anything other than Disney time together.

This stuff is most definitely a wake up call for you love. It's not right.

That scénario described above of someone in a playground calling a child a baby had my hackles up just reading it.

My ds isn't perfect, but I wouldn't have some blow-in coming into my home criticising my dc.

Why have you not met his dc? I tricky exw? Have you thought about the reasons they're no longer together?

My ex would class himself as a great dad. His friends might even agree.

I however know that he's don FA for my son since he was born, and is proud of never having changed a nappy.

These are huge great red flags here love, and they're aimed at your babies.

Call him out on this NOW and make sure he knows that this is strike 1 and if there's another occasion of him verbally/emotionally abusing your child he'll be dropped faster than a bag of burning shite.

What's your relationship history like love? What is the dc dad like?

Ok... I have been in the position you and your DP are in (we were carrying around a bloody potty until my ExP's son was seven because he refused to use public toilets without it and my ex didn't want to upset him (the child was perfectly happy to go without at school and at my house but not when DP was around). My ex also lived far away although not as far as yours but we used to see each other for long times on the weekends when his child and mine were at their other parent's.

I think your relationship is not going to work because you are too far away, because it doesn't work when there are children around (and probably other people). But most importantly, because you have very different parenting styles.

I think that if what you are looking for is a long term weekend lover, things will be fine but if you are planning a long term relationship involving living together with the children around, you are up for a disapointment. He will always look down on your parenting skills, you will be become judgemental of his, and you will resent each other for that.

IMO, it is a bad idea to introduce the children so late, by the time you realise your children and your new partner are incompatible you might be stupidly in love and not being able to see that continuing with that relationship might be in detriment of the children.

Having said that, I had a goid friend who had older children and who thought I was babying DS and was kind enough to pointing this out to me.. Listening to him made DS and I a lot of good. DS is now a more independent and confident child.

BUT... Going back to you and your DP, i would also stay away considering his anger problems. Honestly, you have spent 2 years in yhis relationship and you are still living away from each other, ate not teally compatible and he seems to have a temper... Count your loses and move on. There are other worthy men around.

Their dad and I were together 10 years, married for 8. He was very controlling and definitely a bully. He has now morphed into an award winning father.

He doesn't have anger problems. I don't know where you got that from.

I agree with everyone else.

He is a bully and the longer this relationship goes on the worse his behaviour will get. I have lived with a bully. I recommend you finish this now.

That relationship history was exactly what I expected to hear. ((((more hugs))))

We can come to that later/another time.

Wrt the 'anger' stuff mentioned here, I think we've deduced that from your comments about not being able to raise subjects without him being ready, or, as you said he 'gets defensive'

My love, what you left in your ExH is exactly what you're walking into again. This man isn't nice to your 4yo, repeatedly. You should have bollocked him the first time he did it, sent him home to think.

I know and totally understand why you didn't. You didn't want to believe what had happened. Your boyf is a bully.

I think you need to call time, or at least insist on a good long (total) break for a while.

Focus on your dc, building their confidence (they will have suffered from the abusive/controlling relationship you had with their dad too) and getting them back up to where they should be.

Sorry if all the responses here are a bit overwhelming in their unanimity, OP, but I agree with everyone else.

Teasing a very young child when you barely know them and then going on to ignore a conversation with their parent and have a go at them again is just plain nasty, and disrespectful of your place as a parent.

You only have second hand evidence for this claim that he is a great parent, because you've never seen him interact with his own children. And even by his own admission it sounds like his relationship with his son is not all it should be. The fact it is specifically also your son he is having problems with here sounds telling.

dp is very much the type of person that needs time to reflect on something, and can't have a sensible conversation about it for a few days. Otherwise he's dead defensive.

I am becoming concerned about the way I feel when he is here, as I am on edge.

The above are not normal. You should be able to have a partner around your children without feeling on edge, and you should be able to have respectful disagreements and be able to talk things through in a timely way. Not being able to have a sensible conversation about a disagreement for a period of days is just ridiculous - and it's a form of control. It's about exerting control over conflict so that your partner either has to live in an atmosphere for several days or just gives in for an easy life.

You are right that he doesn't have anger problems btw. He appears to have, on the strength of what you have posted, problems surrounding wanting to control women and children in his domestic sphere.

PinkJenny

What do you get out of this relationship with this man?. Or are you purely together out of habit, a need to feel wanted and or loved by any man no matter how rubbish they are or an innate fear of being on your own?.

This man is purely there for the power and control he can have over you and by turn your children. He actively likes to control you and is basically out of the same bad mould as your ex.

I was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up (my guess is that all the men in your life have let you down or have been variously crap towards women) because your children now are being taught damaging lessons about relationships as well.

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else. What kind of person teases a small child and upsets them? Not a nice one. And what kind of man does this in front of the child's mother?

I can't see how some here have deduced he has anger issues and is a control freak based on what you have said here.

I don't think you need to be told he's an arsehole or a bully. I read it as a man who possibly compares your son to where his son was at this stage and feels he should offer an (inappropriate and misguided) father role.

He simple needs you to assert that it is not his responsibility and when you speak to.him.next tell him straight that he can express concerns to you, but not act on it. It's then your choice whether you think his Concern is valid and listen to him and his choice to respects your role and not get involved.

He might be a bully as everyone says, but it's more likely that you need to make the boundaries clear. Just be direct and if he reacts badly tell him that's how it is and he can walk away if he can't deal with it.

I'm not an idiot that would allow the blimmin' wind to blow on my dc, I'm really not. I will spend some more time later re-reading these posts. I honestly don't believe he is a bully, I think he is used to being the dad. And in this situation, he's not.

Yeah but love, it's natural for parents NOT to assume to parent the children of others.

Do you go around calling other people's children names, ridiculing them on the 2nd time you meet them?

You said yourself that your controlling ex is now dad of the year... your boyf is now appearing to step in where he's not invited or needed.

You've got a controlling bully blindspot I think.

What you think is comfortable is what you are used to.

What you were used to was harmful for you all.

Perhaps this is why your youngest lacks confidence and needs the dummy and to whine to get attention.

Please step back from this guy.

No-one here is accusing you of deficient parenting, but it will become that if you allow some bloke that none of you really know too much power in your family.

You and your dc must understand that blokes come and go, but your family unit is constant, supportive and a safe place to be.

Please rethink your relationship. Or at least call him out - and bugger whether he's ready or not - and make your parenting non-negotiable at this stage. He can't undermine you or over-rule you. If he has a question about your decisions, he raises them later and calmly without your dc being present.

I wouldn't let even my ds father call ds names or undermine him in any way, this bloke is a stranger to them, and he's making an already anxious boy feel bad about himself.

That's not 'inappropriate' or 'misguided' that's shit, unacceptable and cruel.

Any advice on how to do this sensitively?

Yes, be direct and tell him straight.

He's bullying your son (already), and you are worried about telling him sensitively - Why?

You are very defensive to posters here about your boyfriend, when you really need to be defensive with your boyfriend about your 4 year old son!

PS. Also, show me a kid that doesn't get whiney (especially when they are tired)!

Yes, it sure does make you wonder why his own son doesn't like him - not good.

Norest. What was the parenting book? Sounds fab.

I have no wisdom on his behaviour with your dc although you shouldn't feel worried or anxious about being firm in saying 'my children, my rules and don't talk to them like that'.

Please don't become one of those women who stay with a guy because they want to be with a man at the expense of their dcs. My mother did this with a man who was to all intents and purposes fabulous but was horrible to us and inadvertently her by belittling her parenting style. My brother and I hated him and it had a really negative impact whilst we were growing up.

Don't ignore gut instinct ever. If you feel this is wrong, then it is wrong and it's not worth sacrificing the future happiness over you existing happy family unit you have already. When it comes to your kids it has to be right, not just halfway there.

Good luck

Okay, he is used to being "The Dad".

Does being the Dad give him bullying rights over the children?

Or you in how you parent your children?