Reassurance please - can I start again at 38

[justmeandthecat]

After 15 years, with no dv, ea, cheating - just a falling out of love and heading further and further into resentment, and hurt - can I walk away and start again?
Do many people really manage to find happiness and/or contentment that is worth the pain and upheaval and the life changes that will come with leaving DP?
Oh God I'm crying writing the words 'leaving DP' but I need to do this.
Please re-assure me that I can be ok.

You can be OK! You are just a youngster and once you have got through the necessary grieving and healing your life will be whatever you want it to be. Far worse to be stuck in an unhappy marriage with no chance of meeting someone who can light up your world, if that is what you want.

FWIW I started again at 50 after 27 years with my XH and am now happier than I have ever been.

Thank you KouignAmann
I haven't even thought as far as meeting someone else.
I'm just scared that I'll leave and then realise I had it as good as I ever will and that I'm not as self-suficient as I thought and that actually DP is the best I can ever do and I'll live the rest of my life in lonely regret.

Your post is exactly what I need to 'hear'. Thank you.

I could have written your post.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do but yes, you're not over the hill, of course you can find happiness again. I'm actually the same age as you and contemplating the same thing, just wondering if we're falling out of love. We have two dc's though, which complicates things. He's such a nice chap, he really doesn't deserve this but I can't stop thinking about it.

How do you know you really want to leave?

I'm sorry Ilovemydog that you are feeling this way.

I know because I have been here twice before in the last year, reaching the point of thinking "I can't 'make-do' any more".

There's little in my life that makes me happy and changes I want to make aren't changes DP wants to make e.g. moving house.
DP is mostly lovely and our friends and family will be shocked, but I don't feel loved, cared for, prioritised.
We have no children but have been through years of IVF and have recently been looking into adoption, but I know we're clutching at straws.
I feel like I am not 'me' (God that's corny shite but I don't know how else to say it) and feel quite excited at the thought of being on my own, in my own place, to be myself and make my own decisions and not be constantly held back and disappointed by DP and his general disinterest.
Sorry, an essay but it would take many pages to explain how I know I need to do this.
Good luck Ilovemydog.

You only get one chance at life, OP, so have to make the most of it. I split with my exP at the age of 30 - as we just didn't get on as well as previously. My decision - and it was a scary one. I had DC to think of, but I knew that things would work out.

After a while as a LP - I met my DH - at 38 as it happens.

So, things do have a way of working out in the end. Sometimes you just have to take that step - scary though it may be.

Hope you make the correct decision for you.

Thank you lazypepper
Well done for doing it with DC too. It's lovely to hear that you met your DH at 38!

A great friend of mine was with her DH for 16 years. No children.
After many years of arguments they got a Dv. She met the love of her life at 39, remarried at 40 ( when she was 5 months pregnant) had child no2 at 41 and child no3 at 43. She & her DH are blissfully happy. It is never too late.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm also 38 and aspects of my dp,s behaviour and his refusal to address it makes me think I,d rather walk.

BUT we,ve been having fertility treatment for 3 years and are about to start IVF. If I leave I feel I'm also making a final decision to never have children and I don't feel like I'm ready to accept that quite yet.

My marriage has just ended for the same reason. Just fell out of love with each other and the whole thing was just flatlining.

Yes you can. I worried about the same when I split from my exh last year. I was also 38 and had been with him since I was 15.

I spent 5 long years being very unhappy and was too scared to make the final decision. But it was inevitable and it was a relief to be apart from him.

I've now met one of the nicest men I could ever even imagine meeting. I honestly didn't think it would be possible but there he was. He's incredibly nice and makes me smile every day.

You can do it, it's scary now but time is a great healer and things will be so much better for you.

Thankyou chickydoo. Fingers crossed that things could go even half as well for me as for your friend!

bouncingbelle good luck. Going through fertility treatment is so hard on your relationship. I hope things get better for you (and that your IVF is successful, of course!)

neiljames well done for making the break. How are things for you now?

Thank-you Rollercola. That's so good to hear.

They're ok. There's no animosity (not yet at least) about the split. It was inevitable really. We only ever had the kids in common but they're older and becoming more independent so it just magnified everything.

I guess it's good that there's no animosity, but what a difficult thing it must've been to do, with DC as well.
I hope you're able to enjoy some of the changes, even though it's early days.

It was surprisingly easy as it was a mutual decision. Even the kids accept that we're better off apart and just want us to be happy.

Disinterest is a killer isn't it. I walked away after 13 years as I couldn't bear the nothingness for the rest of my life. I ve chosen to remain single. Life is so so uncomplicated now. Weekends I do the things I love doing, which gives me such pleasure, even though they are such simple things. For me, it was worth walking away, although it felt very sad at the time. I m much happier now.

Thank you Dorothy. Yes disinterest is, I think, our main culprit. I love the thought of your carefree singleness. Well done for getting it!
Thank you all so much.
I know the pain is going to be immense but to know that it will probaly be worth it is a big motivator.
I really hope we can both accept the truth and walk away as painlessly as possibly but I expect that DP will be upset/ embarrassed/ awkward and the wait to sell the house and be able to leave will be interminable.

Dh came home today after being away for a month. I was looking forward to seeing him but once he was here it was just underwhelming. He took me to bed, I guess he'd missed me, but I didn't feel any real desire to rip his clothes off. The whole day has been boring. I don't know how I feel. He sat playing on his phone and catching up with stuff. He's now gone to bed early and I'm sitting downstairs MNing. And I don't really care. And I don't think he does really either. Wtf is that all about?

All you can do is be as sure as you can that it is over.

I left my ex after 10 years when I was 36 following 4 years of being just friends. No intimacy at all. She was happy with that I was not and after 4 years I left.

That was 4 years ago. She bought me out of our nice 3-bed house and I am now living in a poky one-bed flat. She shortly after was made redundant, got a huge payout, is now living in a gorgeous renovated 3-bed house with a huge garden and is very happy.

Am I happy? No. I am not as miserable but I am very far from being happy. I am still single, have only had a handful of date and am very lonely. I keep myself busy and have lots of friends, but it is not the same as having someone to chat to when you come home at night, or wake up with in the morning, or go for a weekend away with.

It was the right thing to do but there are no guarantees or magic wands. You just have to make the best of it.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme - That's how mine went. Couldn't even be arsed arguing in the end. The only time we spoke to each other was to talk about who said what to someone else at work.

Thank you NotNew.
DP and I have also been 'just friends' for a few years (since we finished IVF). I do worry that I'm giving up a friend for potentially nothing.
But I get hurt, a lot, by his lack of interest, lack of empathy and plain old lack of caring about anything other than his football club and his father. I worry so much that our nice joint-mortgage house is the nicest I'll ever live in and that he'll suddenly find his mojo when I leave and in a year I'll see him (like your ex) being the man I wish he could be now.
But I really do think I need to find the strength to take this risk and suck it and see.
I hope things get better for you.

Ilovemydog have you spoken to DH? Does he think there is a problem or would this be a complete bolt out of the blue for him?

Well, I'm 42, separated for the last 3 years and fine by myself.
There are drawbacks as well as advantages.

I think you can be happy without your current partner.
And you are self sufficient. I'm sure if he was ill, or died, you'd do well by yourself, or with a different partner.

It doesn't mean all will be rosy, there will be difficult times, as there are in relationships too, but you will be ok.

You may see him being a better man, as you may well be a better woman. It may be that you are simply not the best for each other.

NotNew and neiljames thank you for sharing that, can't have been easy at the time. I do recognise the things you describe.

Dh and I have been together for twenty years. A couple of years after we met, he got busy with work and I was busy with college and he never seemed to want to see me much so I took the hint and ended it. He accepted it, never made a fuss, made no argument, just let it happen. Even brought round some books of mine. My dad said he'd never seen a man look so sad. But, we stayed in touch and a year later got back together.

If I said I thought our marriage was over he'd probably just go along with it. He wouldn't fight for me. I'd be surprised if he did. I don't know if I'm ready to face that yet.

Yes! You are 38 not 83.

If you want a re-set button the time to use it is when you can still look him in the eye and know you respect each other. Enduring another six months - a year - to what end? only prolongs it. The price you pay for cutting loose may be having to be "the one who finished it"as far as family and friends are concerned. But this is no-one else's business and you're not put on earth to live out a role for any but yourself.