Reassurance please - can I start again at 38

[justmeandthecat]

After 15 years, with no dv, ea, cheating - just a falling out of love and heading further and further into resentment, and hurt - can I walk away and start again?
Do many people really manage to find happiness and/or contentment that is worth the pain and upheaval and the life changes that will come with leaving DP?
Oh God I'm crying writing the words 'leaving DP' but I need to do this.
Please re-assure me that I can be ok.

In my experience leaving isn't nearly as hard as making the decision to leave.

You ask if you will find happiness and/or contentment if you leave. Of course that's possible. Is it possible to find it if you stay?

When I knew the answer to that question was 'no', I knew it was time to leave.

Then you know that it's worth the risk.

I am 43 and I am really happy. I don't know if I'll meet anybody else, but I do know that I am happier and look forward to the future more than I did when I was married.

I'm there too at 38 and feeling so unhappy so much I have been thinking about taking my life for the last few weeks.
I feel unaccomplished miserable and depressed. I know I have to end my marriage if I do want to have any hopes of finding happiness again, but I am so scared and alone. I literally left everything for him and now after so many years ( going on 11) and no kids I realized I've been so naïve and that I should have put myself first. He is a good man, but I know deep in my hear I made a mistake that has cost me my happiness....I am so scared to start all over again, my self-esteem is at the lowest low I don't recognize myself and I deeply miss what I once was...I pray and cry at night that somewhere somehow in a very close future I find light and support. I am alone in this country so that makes it that much harder....depression hits me the most on weekends and after I leave work so much that I have thought about just getting into a car accident and end it all....
I found this blog today, been reading it for the last 12 hours and I can see some hope and encouragement with some posters here and I wish that could be me someday, being able to give hope to others....right now I just need to find strength within myself. JUSTME....I feel your your pain , if you have family near and friends call them, pend time with them....mine are all far away I wish they were close and I would run to them in a second....I wish you the best and hope you get a happy ending to your situation right now.

You can be OK, OP and so can your DP

I hope so.

I am going through the leaving stage atm, if you want a hand to hold? I've got as far as putting down a deposit on a new rental place and letting work know I will need to change my hours.

The actual leaving bit is exhausting and draining, earlier tonight I was not sure I'd make it to the end of the night, let alone the week, but it has to be better than a lifetime of just plodding along in misery.

I am 32 and not wanting or hoping for any new relationships as yet, but would like to think I am not quite over the hill just yet.

Good luck OP and Searching

I am a couple of steps ahead of you and it can be done.

D0oinMeCleanin...I can hold your hand :)..you are definitely further ahead and I can imagine the courage that you have built...I need that and with your example I know it can be done....I hope to be in a similar stage soon...
if I can suggest maybe get a kitty ( smiles shyly )
you are right I know for sure I don't want to spend my life like this ever again in misery and uncertainty..
Kudos to you , God bless you . ?

Do it. You're young. The best years ahead :)

I have 2 dogs, we've only just lost our cat Who I was allergic to (but loved dearly)

We can share the journey together. Making the definate choice to leave and putting a plan is place is scary as hell, but once you do it it will feel like the world has lifted off of your shoulders.

Things are tough in the interim of leaving, but I am holding onto the fact that they will get easier than my life has been lately, very soon. Soon I will have my own space and sanctuary without having to worry about what he is doing/thinking.

Where abouts are you located?

Can I join the handholding here please.
Best part of 20 years, 3 dc's. He's in the process of buying a new house and we are hoping to manage shared custody of the dc's. It is all feeling a bit sad and final even though neither of us has been happy.

I believe you can. it was my ex who left me after 13 yrs. I'm 36. I know it broke him to do it and I think in his mind it was the only way.

we've moved forward. work well as parents. it is so hard to see dcs go through the pain and upset but they do adjust and as a mum I can see mine are happier now than they were before .

don't be too hard on yourself . I think now I've turned a corner with it all and ironically the ex is finding it harder but I'm trying to encourage him to be happy and move forward.

good luck

You will be better than ok.

I split with xH when I was 38 too, we had been together since I was 21. We just weren't happy anymore and I fell out of love with him (not even sure if I ever loved him tbh).

I met my DP the same year, I have never been happier and certainly have never looked back, that was six years ago.

Good luck.

D0oin.....Im on the East Coast, USA and yourself?

Placeinthesun: yes Join us the more the merrier. At least You have 3 beautiful kids, that is what will also give strength to push harder and it seems that you are keeping a civil relationship with your XH and that is important for the well psychological being of the kids....

Today I woke up with a plan to save money and get my own place or move back to my own country. Day one to try and stay focus on this goal, I know I will have my downfalls but at least is something

I don't think I m ready for a DP if I'm not first ok with my self.....I know I have a rocky path ahead......God give me strength .

to you all

I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay older than you, and I've started again - very do-able. There's lots of great things going on - get out there, you'll regret it if you don't.

Think how you'll be feeling in 1, 5, 10 years time if you don't get out and make your life the best it can be.

Yes! My ex's mum split from his dad at 51 after being together for 30 years but very unhappy for the last ten, met someone else and is now blissfully happy. The new man is a professional musician, artist, well travelled etc and she kept saying how wonderful it was to stay up until 5am because they had too much to talk about to go to sleep. I think it's been about eight years for them now!

The biggest fear you'll probably have is fear of the unknown. You'll feel in limbo for a while and nothing will have any degree of certainty. If your relationship is as grey and dull as it appears, that's the last thing you'll miss.

I can't answer you on how things work out because I am only at the beginning of the same journey but I can tell you a few things.

1. You might feel worried about being alone, but once you actually are you suddenly realise there's all sorts of brilliant things about that, and as cheesy as it sounds it does sometimes feel like finding yourself again.

1. At our age, you can sometimes feel past it (stretch marks and sagging bobs in my case!) but my experience of dating so far have been that I have got more male attention than I ever had when I was younger. Partly that comes from confidence in yourself, partly it comes from the fact that we become more valuable in a sense when we bring our life experience to the table. I have never felt more "in demand" and despite being (what I would class as distinctly average) I have been fighting them off since being single.

Don't be afraid of being alone, be more afraid of being less than you can be

x

I spent my 30's seeking a life partner and hoping each man I met was going to work out - I left boyfriend at the age of 39, no kids. I met DH 6 months later, travelled and had a baby at 42.

You have to leave, really. There are so many years ahead of you, if you are thinking it now, it will happen anyway, better sooner than later. good luck.