Hard working husband - am i right to be so fed up

[reisling]

Just looking for a bit of perspective on this.

My DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids under 6. I am a SAHM although I have set up my own business which I love. My DH is a v hard working lawyer who has always worked long hours but since Christmas it has become ridiculous. He is working 15-20 hour days, including weekends. On his rare days off he has been exhausted (obv) so has spent time catching up on sleep and then is back on the phone. We have always had periods like this in the past but they have lasted a couple of weeks whilst a deal was being signed, never this long.

Our relationship always suffers when he is working this hard but I just feel like I have hit the end in terms of what I can and want to deal with. When he calls I just have nothing to say to him because he just isn't part of our life at the moment and he knows nothing of what we are doing. I am also angry with him even though I know it's not his fault and he would prefer to be at home. However, I feel like a single mum who can't even go and meet someone new.

This weekend he has missed our DDs birthday and will miss easter tomorrow. The kids don't even ask where he is any more which makes me really sad. Having said that, he is a brilliant father (when here) and a very good and caring husband who works hard to provide for us all.

When he left this morning (god knows what time he got in last night) I was just so fed up that I could barely speak to him. He said that it was only a few more days and the deal would be signed and I said yes until the next one. He left obviously cross with me for snapping at him.

I took the kids out today for a treat and it struck me how many other people were working today (in the cafe, in the park, shops etc) all of whom are far poorer paid them my DH and I wonder whether perhaps I should just count my lucky stars that I have a husband who is well paid and hard working. Or am I right in feeling that I need to confront him and force change of some sort.

It's worth pointing out that with 3 v young children I'm also exhausted myself and perhaps this life would be ok if the kids were a bit less demanding and I was getting unbroken sleep.

I have name changed for this. Thanks for reading.

My late husband was a lawyer and did big corporate deals. He used to work crazy hours. We were well paid but if you worked it out per hour it was not great. I used to call him to come home sometimes as he would come home for a break and then start work again. He gave up work in 2002 on ill health grounds and it was good to have him at home for 10 years.

Three words for your DH - work life balance.

There's give and take, and appreciating your other half for working hard / providing for the family etc, but there comes a point where they are essentially absent and no longer part of the family, and I think you've reached that point, and then some.

Time for a serious talk about priorities and plans for the future. Why is he driving himself so hard, to the detriment of family life? He needs a serious reality check.

Are you sure he's at work?

Is he pushing for partner ? Magic circle ?

He is ambitious and wants to make partner which would mean lots of money but I don't really care about that. I'd rather have my DH at home more.

sorry x threads. Yes magic circle.
yes I'm sure he is at work.

Well, yes, it would be better if you weren't so tired as that always affects how you see things.
This does sound extreme to me and has been going on for a very long time. I too would be very fed up.
He is missing out on a great deal with his children. Her birthday?!!! This would upset me very much.
Is he right that this will be over very soon? How long till the next big deal?
I would ride this one out and then when you are both less frazzled a serious chat is in order.
How likely is it that change is possible?
In the end you may have to decide if you can live with this.

Will his life actually be any better if he makes partner? Or will things just be like this for ever?

The prize for winning the pie eating contest is more pie. That's what we say about partnership in legal circles. I'm a City lawyer and that sounds extreme. I've had a few periods of crazyness like that but most of the time it is more sensible. Do you know how long this should go on for?

yes her 1st birthday

I'm not sure if anything will change if he makes partner. Maybe a bit as apparently the year or 2 before getting partnership are the hardest. I think he will always work long hours and I knew that when I married him but I didn't think it would get this bad.

I'm not sure how change is possible unless we completely overhaul our life.

I think it's dawned on me that i'm not sure I can live with this

I would not like this. It is important to have enough money to live comfortably but there is little point in having extra money if you never see your family. It all depends on your priorities. Is his career and your wealth important to you? It sounds as though you would prefer to spend time as a family. You should tell him how you feel.

The people working in the coffee shops and shops probably work a normal working week in terms of number of hours worked. Their working weeks tend to include Saturdays. Most people do not work the type of hours you describe.

My H is away and/or engrossed in work so I feel your pain.
It will only stop if he keels over or decides that he doesn't like the life.

He's picked work and cash over his health and family.
At least you have the cash to make life easier. Doesn't make it less lonely though.

Yes charlieandlola it is very lonely

very good and caring husband who works hard to provide for us all.

So nothing at all like a single mum then?

I feel terribly sorry for your husband too. I've been in his shoes, it's so awful, there feels to be little choice when you're in the middle of a deal.

Actually, there is no choice, your husband will be under massive pressure at work. No doubt he's also gutted about missing important times at home.

I think the best thing you do is just try to hold on until this deal is over and then have a big talk about things. There are smaller firms where he'll be under less pressure, maybe you could discuss that as a possibility.

It must be really hard for you both.

Being a single parent would also be lonely. (I suspect)
Is this compromise worth the good times when he is there?

Sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant. Obviously it's not the same as being a single mum.

If he has said that the work load will be reducing soon, I would sit tight until then. I think it is preferable to have to deal with times of heavy workload/stress than low pay/unemployment.

Once his has reduced his working hours back to more manageable, talk to him and plan some quality family activities/outings etc.

If you are finding it hard to cope can you not pay for help? Mothers help, cleaner?

Me too, I am due with DC3 in June, DH has just told me he is going to be in the US for a week from 12th May, this is on top of the fact he was away for a week three weeks ago and has just returned from a week away today. He has now said they are looking to promote him, and we can have the chance to go live in another country. Brilliant so then I will not have the option of travelling to relatives during the school holidays, and I will have no friends either, and he will still be working long hours. I am fed up too. I could barely be civil to him when I spoke to him. This baby was a surprise, I was just getting it together and coping with the two I had, gone back to work life looking up a little, and now this.

Thanks for your kind words Margocat. You are right i can't talk to him about it until this deal is done as it's just not fair on him.

He actually left to go to a smaller firm and then returned to magic circle. He is very intelligent and likes the challenge and enjoys being surrounded by high-achievers.

I couldn't be married to someone who was so committed at work. Poor you and poor children.

I can completely understand where you're coming from (DH is in the city, I am too but part time and we only have one DC). However I think you have to think about what you would like him to do instead.

There are various options which would probably reduce his hours to a reasonable extent: going in house, moving to a smaller or lower tier firm (tho the hours are still pretty brutal at second or third tier firms, you have to go a long way down to see a real difference). But these options will seriously reduce his earning potential. Are you intending to privately educate your DCs? Do you have a big mortgage? Are you willing to downsize/move areas/go back to work yourself if necessary? Ask yourself, what are you willing to compromise on in return for having more of his time. And then ask him if he's willing to make those changes - you never know he might be relieved that you've said you'd be ok with a less expensive life.