Hard working husband - am i right to be so fed up

[reisling]

Just looking for a bit of perspective on this.

My DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids under 6. I am a SAHM although I have set up my own business which I love. My DH is a v hard working lawyer who has always worked long hours but since Christmas it has become ridiculous. He is working 15-20 hour days, including weekends. On his rare days off he has been exhausted (obv) so has spent time catching up on sleep and then is back on the phone. We have always had periods like this in the past but they have lasted a couple of weeks whilst a deal was being signed, never this long.

Our relationship always suffers when he is working this hard but I just feel like I have hit the end in terms of what I can and want to deal with. When he calls I just have nothing to say to him because he just isn't part of our life at the moment and he knows nothing of what we are doing. I am also angry with him even though I know it's not his fault and he would prefer to be at home. However, I feel like a single mum who can't even go and meet someone new.

This weekend he has missed our DDs birthday and will miss easter tomorrow. The kids don't even ask where he is any more which makes me really sad. Having said that, he is a brilliant father (when here) and a very good and caring husband who works hard to provide for us all.

When he left this morning (god knows what time he got in last night) I was just so fed up that I could barely speak to him. He said that it was only a few more days and the deal would be signed and I said yes until the next one. He left obviously cross with me for snapping at him.

I took the kids out today for a treat and it struck me how many other people were working today (in the cafe, in the park, shops etc) all of whom are far poorer paid them my DH and I wonder whether perhaps I should just count my lucky stars that I have a husband who is well paid and hard working. Or am I right in feeling that I need to confront him and force change of some sort.

It's worth pointing out that with 3 v young children I'm also exhausted myself and perhaps this life would be ok if the kids were a bit less demanding and I was getting unbroken sleep.

I have name changed for this. Thanks for reading.

OP I used to be a MC lawyer & my DP is in a different profession which can work long hours although not in the all night sense that you get with lawyers. I've been out of it (now in a parallel job) for about 5yrs and it took me at least 18mths to realise how skewed my life and perspectives had become. Even now, reading your posts, and realised he'd "only" missed his daughter's first birthday my initial reaction was "so what? She's not going to remember it. Probably better to miss hers and be around for the birthday of one of the older DC" whilst also realising that I would have been livid and sad if DP had worked through my DD's first birthday celebrations. So, on one level, I'm sure he knows there is something wrong but, at the same time, he is working with people (both colleagues and clients) for whom this sort of thing is entirely normal so won't have realised how unusual it is.
The thing which concerns me most about your post is that you say he is working for p'ship. Really? When is this going to be offered? Obviously not this year as announcements have been made at most firms so you have a minimum of a year to wait before he gets p'ship...and that is when the hard work will really start as he'll have to establish himself as a partner and, given the market, will probably have only got a salaried partner position so will be working towards equity. So you're probably at least 5yrs away from the big money. And once you've got equity, you still have to work hard as the days of lockstep are long gone so you won't just move up the ladder. Also, is p'ship actually realistic? It it pretty tough to get these days. If it is offered, will it be on the basis that he does 2yrs overseas first? If so, do you want to go to the Middle East or Eastern Europe which often seems to be the condition these days?
If he doesn't go for p'ship though, what is he going to do? Even though I jumped off the p'ship track through my own choice and now have a very different life and am generally very happy, there is still a slight feeling of bitterness & regret that I'll never get p'ship and that I let myself down by not really going for it. I also occasionally look at the DC and wonder if I did the right thing. Yes, they get to spend a lot of time with me (I only work part time) whereas they would have only seen me at weekends if I'd stuck to my original career plan but would it have done them any harm if they'd been raised by a top class nanny and they'd probably benefit from private education and all of the different experiences that brings which our very good but without an on-site swimming pool, theatre, specialist music teacher etc local primary just can't offer.
What can you do about it? What are the options? What does he want? Does he want p'ship for the money or for the confirmation of his abilities or because he thinks it is what he deserves after all these years? If it is purely money driven then, given the age of your DC, you're probably in a position to have a complete lifestyle change without upsetting them too much. It is not as if you'd be pulling them out of private schools, just not sending them in the first place....although I think that this is another area where MC life gives you a warped perspective as "everyone" will be privately educating their DC so this maybe something your DP struggles to accept.
If it isn't just money driven, then I think you have a bigger challenge as if your DP continues to be in a law firm (whether MC, silver circle or regions), there are still going to be times when he disappears on a deal, it could just be that there are longer times between the peaks makings life as a whole easier although those peaks are always going to occur around Xmas and Easter as they coincide (although less so this year with Easter being late) with calendar year end and tax year end.
Sorry, this all seems quite gloomy. I think things can change but they won't change overnight. Instead, you need to have a chat - not for at least a week, give him a chance to sleep and re-connect with you and the DC - about how you envisage life for the next 10yrs and what work and lifestyle changes you need to make to achieve that. And find out how much pressure he feels he is under to support you and the DC. Does he realise that stepping off the p'ship track and doing something else is an option? About a year ago, a few months after DC2 was born, DP was asked to interview for a much bigger job and decided not to as, after a lot of discussion, we decided we wanted him around at home more. I am suspicious that his decision was driven more by the fact that he realised he'd have even less chance to play golf or spend an afternoon on the sofa watching sport than he does now rather than a desire to spend more time with the DC and me but I was glad that we'd discussed and agreed what was important to us. And I completely understand and appreciate that golf playing and sport watching is important as parenting can be pretty full on and you don't want to work all week and part of the weekend and then feel you have to be an all singing & all dancing dad as it is the only few hours you get to see them.
In the meantime, can you find some childcare so that a couple of evenings a week you get to go out? A class, the gym or meeting up with friends, just something other than sitting at home by yourself with sleeping DC. I pay our babysitter an increased rate so that she does the ironing too :-). Going to Zumba & coming home to the ironing done is a fantastic feeling and means I don't care that DP is working. Actually, it has another benefit as DP knows I don't expect him home until at least 9.00 that night as the babysitter will be there. A few of our neighbours have teenagers and I regularly use them to do various random things...DP was supposed to have Thursday off but had to work in the end so I got one of the teenagers over for a couple of hours to play with the DC & keep them out of my hair whilst I did the last bits of packing, loaded the car etc. They were thrilled to get an extra £10 during the holidays & it made things so much easier for me. One of them had been around earlier in the week & dug up a patch of stinging nettles which had appeared in the garden as, the only time I was at home in daylight hours, was with the DC and they wanted to "help" which, with that task, wouldn't work. Usually, I would have waited until the weekend and one of us would have stayed in with the DC or taken them to the park whilst the other got on with it. What I try & appreciate is that, whilst DP does work long hours, at least he gets paid well for it so I can use money to make my life easier.

Some perspective. Who is he doing this for? He's doing it for you and the kids. Do you want this? From your post it sounds like you value being with him more. Tell him so. Tell him it's OK, he does not need to become partner, you are happy the way you are.

Also, I'd probably do this after this manic period is over. Frame it as being concerned for his health (which, of course, you are).

It sounds very hard OP - on both of you. Setting up your own business while looking after 3-under-3 is hugely impressive.

I don't have personal experience of this, but a friend of mine's husband is a lawyer. From her facebook posts alone you would think she's super smug - always posting about top-notch holidays 'oh we are only having seven holidays this year, which five-star places shall we go to' or their big house or their private schools. BUT (before you think I'm being totally hard on her!), I know how she is on a day-to-day basis. Her husband is never there UNLESS they have booked a fancy-pants holiday.

She used to have a high-flying job herself but had to give it up to look after the kids because he was never around and could never look after them if they were sick or wanted pick-ups or anything. She's actually really lonely and quite insecure. The Facebook stuff is just putting a brave face on it.

I think it's easy to be flippant about your situation because on the face of it you have lots of money and can do what you want, but it must be so hard being in a partnership with no partner.

I don't have a lot of advice (so maybe I've been typing for nothing!) but wanted to say that although I don't share your situation I do sympathise.

You need an honest talk with him when he's not exhausted about what lies ahead in the future, can he ringfence some quality time with you all, if it doesn't change what else can you do to improve the quality of your own life.

There may not be easy answers, but hopefully it will get easier as the children get older and you have more time to grow your own business or do your own things. Good luck!

If you're fed up, you're fed up. There's no right or wrong about it, really. Your feelings are valid. FWIW I know a man that works overseas all week and rejoins his family at weekends... reason for the long hours being that he doesn't get on all that well with the DW and, unlike other distractions, work is seen as an acceptable excuse to be elsewhere.

This is difficult and rings some bells with me because I'm the long-hours partner in our marriage, though nothing like what you're describing: I'm physically incapable of working those hours and would just keel over. I'm doing probably 50-60 hours a week plus stuff on the Blackberry round the edges, and I know DH finds it difficult that I'm not there very much.

First, it is possible to find really interesting, challenging legal work outside the magic circle, but you have to be prepared to do something slightly unusual - in-house or switching to a specialism that only a few firms do. If he wants to stick with transactional work he doesn't really have many options if he wants the high-calibre stuff.

Second,a niche or in-house job will provide all the intellectual challenge you could possibly want, but won't pay to put three children through private school - for that you need well north of £250K per year if you're in London and have a mortgage, so he needs to think about how important that is to him.

Third, if switching to something less time-pressured / transactional isn't a realistic option for him, I think you need to do some very hard-nosed practical thinking about your own position. If you love him (this is a genuine conditional, because it's quite possible that you and he don't really know each other very well any more if he's never there) and want to stay with him, you probably do have to accept that the price of being with him is that he wants to do this kind of job. But that means that you have to build your own life without him, and accept that sometimes you'll have commitments that mean you're not available to him. Whether that's building up your business or moving back into paid employment is up to you, but you have to have a life that doesn't depend on waiting for him to come home.

In the short term, I agree that you need to wait till this particular deal is over before you try to talk to your DH. In the meantime, use some of those earnings to book a night nanny for a week and get yourself properly rested so that you can think about all this, because lack of sleep makes everything look bleaker. (I should know, I nearly walked out on my family because I was so tired: leaving work wasn't an option because we'd have starved, and in my sleep-deprived state I thought we might all be better off if I left home.)

This post is over a decade old…but I just wondered what happened. In a similar situation. Fed up and feel like it will never really end.