Hard working husband - am i right to be so fed up

[reisling]

Just looking for a bit of perspective on this.

My DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids under 6. I am a SAHM although I have set up my own business which I love. My DH is a v hard working lawyer who has always worked long hours but since Christmas it has become ridiculous. He is working 15-20 hour days, including weekends. On his rare days off he has been exhausted (obv) so has spent time catching up on sleep and then is back on the phone. We have always had periods like this in the past but they have lasted a couple of weeks whilst a deal was being signed, never this long.

Our relationship always suffers when he is working this hard but I just feel like I have hit the end in terms of what I can and want to deal with. When he calls I just have nothing to say to him because he just isn't part of our life at the moment and he knows nothing of what we are doing. I am also angry with him even though I know it's not his fault and he would prefer to be at home. However, I feel like a single mum who can't even go and meet someone new.

This weekend he has missed our DDs birthday and will miss easter tomorrow. The kids don't even ask where he is any more which makes me really sad. Having said that, he is a brilliant father (when here) and a very good and caring husband who works hard to provide for us all.

When he left this morning (god knows what time he got in last night) I was just so fed up that I could barely speak to him. He said that it was only a few more days and the deal would be signed and I said yes until the next one. He left obviously cross with me for snapping at him.

I took the kids out today for a treat and it struck me how many other people were working today (in the cafe, in the park, shops etc) all of whom are far poorer paid them my DH and I wonder whether perhaps I should just count my lucky stars that I have a husband who is well paid and hard working. Or am I right in feeling that I need to confront him and force change of some sort.

It's worth pointing out that with 3 v young children I'm also exhausted myself and perhaps this life would be ok if the kids were a bit less demanding and I was getting unbroken sleep.

I have name changed for this. Thanks for reading.

I don't think it's fair to say he's chosen work and money over family- it's just as likely that he chose to go into law, as a well paid job, in order to be able to provide a good life for his family. He made that choice presumably as a young graduate without realising what it would mean and I know it's a cliche but once your on that treadmill it's very hard to get off. I say this as a lawyer. It's very easy for people to say he needs more work/life balance etc but in practice if he walked out of his job, what would he do? Go to a different firm and it'll be the same. Or complete career change with all the upheaval and uncertainty that would cause.

None of this helps you OP, I'm really not sure what would. A partner I used to work with used to come into the office later every day so he could have breakfast with his kids and take them to school - he found that worked better than trying to get away once he's got into the office and got caught up with work. He also did a 'set in stone' half day every fortnight to spend time with his family. However not sure hoe much flexibility your dh would have to do those kind of things if he's a magic circle associate seeking partnership.

Would he consider a move out of the city? Ime the big regional firms can deliver great quality work for him but with much better work life balance (although clearly financial rewards not the same).

Blimey! What did Joules say?

Trouble is I love him very much. And he always worked long hours - even at uni.
At least he's given up the golf!

I think there are at least two issues - firstly there is the effect on your relationship, and you need to work out what your limits are, to know whether you would be better off as an actual single parent or with him working in a smaller firm, or to put up with up if it really is only for a couple of years.

And then, if he is working really long hours and not getting a break at weekends either, that will start affecting his health. There's a limit to how much of that anyone can continue before the effects are bad. I do not think it was coincidence that when my farmer father had a major heart attack in his early 50s, it was at the end of a difficult harvest, where he'd been working crazy hours in between bad weather. It may be possible to sustain it for a certain amount of time, particularly when he's younger, but is being well-off worth wrecking your health, and never having any time outside work?

Either way, you need to talk to him about it all - although possibly not till the end of this deal, if he's just not going to have time for it and just spends what time he does have catching up on sleep.

Great advice from Kay and Minipie, the key is to be able to discuss it when you aren't both feeling so fraught.

I guess the intellectual challenge (and potential financial reward) of magic circle has to be weighed up against the impact in family life.

I was at a magic circle firm, and I can't recall any partners who had much of a work/life balance. It's bloody tough. Holidays are key, get lots booked and most of them he'll hopefully be able to go on!

I do recognise how hard it is though. When things are calmer you just need to have a really serious talk. I imagine missing your baby's first birthday must have been pretty awful for both of you. Enough of a shock to allow you both to realise the importance of a chat about the future and what you can both cope with.

I certainly wouldn't put up with any golf thou!!

He tried a slightly lower tier firm and the hours weren't that much better and the pay was a whole lot worse considering.

We are on the usual London treadmill of him working hard to pay to live in an expensive city - big mortgage etc. Also he wants the DCs to go to private school (although our eldest is at state at the moment). I'm really not bothered about that (i'm state educated and pretty darn clever ) but it is really important to him.

Sigh. there's no easy solution.

I just think it's part of the parcel I'm afraid.
My DH leaves before children rise (5.00) comes home after bed most nights.

He doesn't have a lunch so no you couldn't turn up and take him out to lunch. He eats between meetings.

Have you got a good circle of friends? I have a friend who is in a Simliar position, we do dinner with the children and hang out a lot.

yes I've got great friends, I can get babysitters when I want. I have a cleaner. I've got a great life really. I'm just feeling lonely and fed up but i know things could be a lot lot lot worse.

There are people in the world who have no choice but to work 20 hour days to survive, and one would rightly pity them and feel sad that in our wealthy world anyone should have to miss their child's first birthday because work was so scarce and crucial that they simply couldn't take a few hours off.

Your husband chooses this life.

It makes no sense.

If you've got a great life in general, just make plans for when he is working less.

If he worked those hours all the time with no end in sight, it would be different but there is an end in sight so plan for that.

Your feelings are all perfectly understandable and valid OP.

Ok, if your husband's work situation is non-negotiable for now , can you take control of your own existence a bit more?

Make the money he's earning work for you as a person, rather than just doing things "for the kids" or "for the family".

I know you've said you love your business, but is there something else you can develop/look into for yourself?

Main thing is so you're not just feeling frustrated and like your world has closed down. Not to sound flippant if you've tried it already but things like yoga/learning something new - Birkbeck or Open University, horseriding/a spiritual path. Whatever makes you feel more human: it's not an indulgence.

Re: kids, I'm sure a Magic Circle salary would pay for some help, in London there's tonnes of eager young capable student types who are great with kids and keen to work all hours (I've been one of them) GAGGING for some flexible paid work so get recruiting!

You're perfectly entitled to take steps to make your situation easier, more comfortable, more stimulating and supportive for you. You're entitled to a nights sleep and time off from the kids: you're entitled to buy this in if your husband is too busy.

Your husband couldn't be doing the job he does without you at home, so unless you're planning on a major shift in working patterns, you have to make things more sustainable for yourself.

I honestly don't get it though. You say "there's no easy solution." Yes there is, and your dh tried it and it didn't suit him. It is more important to him to have money than to be there as his children grow up. Are you ok with that?

But CailinDana I don't think it's about the money for him. It's about intellectual stimulation and challenge in an area he has worked hard at for many years. He would like the money in order to pay for private school but he's not particularly materialistic.

Ok so he's choosing the intellectual challenge over being there for his children, and over being a partner to you. Are you ok with that?

I know you're unhappy about the situation this leaves you in but what does your husband feel about missing out on family time and birthdays? If he didn't seem to care, that would be an issue but I suspect that he would love to be around more.

A lot if men feel pressure to provide for the family and some neighbourhoods of London and the environment of law seems like a competitive one (from what I know from Suits!) so try to see it from his standpoint.

He is trying to provide for his family but the work life balance isn't working. I think you can have a sensible conversation when the deal is over which includes if he makes partner, how will that affect/change your current situation (for better/same or worse)?

Ask him what he wants to remember on his deathbed, the "big deal" or his daughter's birthdays? One regret from older people is that they spent their life working too much.

reisling it is about the money, or rather what the money could buy if he wants to put three children through private education in London. I think if he wants that, you may as well accept his working hours as he will not be off the treadmill any time soon.

He has chosen this, this is his active choice. I would wait til this deal is through and then have a frank chat about how you see the next few years panning out for the both of you. He may not realise you are quite as desperate as you are about this situation.

I know he's sad about not being at home more and about missing out on time with the kids. He's a good man.

He is just on a bit of a treadmill in a very competitive environment with the partnership carrot being dangled.

Ironically, I am a solicitor, but it is my DH who is a farmer that is the workaholic. I hear you on the 15 hour days 7 days a week. (He left for work at 4.00am and came home at 8.30 pm. And it will be the same tomorrow, except his isn't linked to a deal but is constant.)

I don't want to make this into a woe is me competition, but he will be much better paid than my DH. My only advice is to make your own life, whether that is friends to spend time with, or start your own career. I have a combination of the two. I will never be able to be a magic circle solicitor, as I believe it is impossible to have 2 alpha careers and a family, but there are opportunities for a reasonably fulfilling part time role if you look hard enough.

It is shit when you feel you are the only person in the world on your own with the kids, particularly on a bank holiday weekend. But try not to separate your life from your DHs too much, and hope that things calm down soon.

Chin up!

Thanks for all the advice. Frank chat time I think... once this flipping deal has signed.

Thanks lady flip I think this try not to separate your life from your DHs too much is key.

As for making my own life, that's why I started my business, I needed something for me. And I love it!

Sorry for you and all the others with absent, workaholic husbands

OP I can see both sides of the story as both DH and I are lawyers, and I've also spent 2x1 year maternity leaves at home, looking at the issue through the eyes of a SAHM.

A couple of points. He will be exhausted right now. On his knees, caffeine fuelled, baby waking several times per night type of tired. Bone tired. He won't reason well, he will have less capacity to deal with anything outside of the deal and you're unlikely to have a good conversation with him.

I know it's shitty for you but you need to wait until the deal is done, he's has at least 3 decent nights' sleep before raising this.

The second thing to accept is that he will probably have to change firms to achieve the lifestyle you would like. There's no middle ground really. The people who aren't on the partnership track are expected to meet the same targets but are viewed as more dispensable. Do talk to him about it but the chances are he'll be expected to move on, at some stage or other, if he won't do the hours.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask for this - it's clearly not working at the moment and it does have a huge impact on your quality of life. But you need to know what it is you're asking - basically, a change of firm, uncertain prospects at the devil he doesn't know, a lot less money, less prestige.

It may also come with a massively improved family life and better health and many people do make the leap.

Good luck OP.