Hard working husband - am i right to be so fed up

[reisling]

Just looking for a bit of perspective on this.

My DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids under 6. I am a SAHM although I have set up my own business which I love. My DH is a v hard working lawyer who has always worked long hours but since Christmas it has become ridiculous. He is working 15-20 hour days, including weekends. On his rare days off he has been exhausted (obv) so has spent time catching up on sleep and then is back on the phone. We have always had periods like this in the past but they have lasted a couple of weeks whilst a deal was being signed, never this long.

Our relationship always suffers when he is working this hard but I just feel like I have hit the end in terms of what I can and want to deal with. When he calls I just have nothing to say to him because he just isn't part of our life at the moment and he knows nothing of what we are doing. I am also angry with him even though I know it's not his fault and he would prefer to be at home. However, I feel like a single mum who can't even go and meet someone new.

This weekend he has missed our DDs birthday and will miss easter tomorrow. The kids don't even ask where he is any more which makes me really sad. Having said that, he is a brilliant father (when here) and a very good and caring husband who works hard to provide for us all.

When he left this morning (god knows what time he got in last night) I was just so fed up that I could barely speak to him. He said that it was only a few more days and the deal would be signed and I said yes until the next one. He left obviously cross with me for snapping at him.

I took the kids out today for a treat and it struck me how many other people were working today (in the cafe, in the park, shops etc) all of whom are far poorer paid them my DH and I wonder whether perhaps I should just count my lucky stars that I have a husband who is well paid and hard working. Or am I right in feeling that I need to confront him and force change of some sort.

It's worth pointing out that with 3 v young children I'm also exhausted myself and perhaps this life would be ok if the kids were a bit less demanding and I was getting unbroken sleep.

I have name changed for this. Thanks for reading.

Barrister's wife here. But 25 years in and older teenagers. There were times when it was very very hard but I knew I married a man who was a driven workaholic. The hardest years were the pre school ones when it was quite relentless and I couldn't have worked then because I was totally responsible at home and if there had been a sick child there was no chance of him helping out. When I say hard I mean premature labour at 27 weeks hard with his clerk waiting outside court to get him to the hospital in time to say goodbye.

The best thing I ever did was to go back to work when the dc were both at school, local always and part-time at first. That gave me something for me and was good for both of us. One of the things I have mastered is to accept invitations on the basis that hopefully he will come too but I accept that sometimes he can't and so does everyone else - sometimes he will arrive at a party for a drink and to take me home. And some of those who made carping comments ten or so years ago about how they wouldn't tolerate it or drop in a snide "oh you've got a husband then" are strangely enough the ones who don't have a husband any more.

He got much better once ds was about 8 and he got involved in his sport and committed his Sunday mornings to that and they have a very close bond because of it. It does all change a bit as they get bigger.

Ultimately I don't think you can change the man or the drive but you can adjust your own life so that there are interests in it for you as the dc grow up a bit.

It is very hard work with small children and I wonder if you can perhaps have some help a couple of afternoons a week.

We have seen lots of relationships crack under the strain but are glad that we have stuck it out and stuck together although we never considered not doing that but looking back we can see there were pressure points when it might have crumbled if one of us had been less than committed to each other. It does get better - whether because one becomes more resillient, whether you love each other more as the years pass and survive each other's highs and lows, whether because children get less demanding and there is a little more of the limited time to spend on each other. I suppose you have to want to hang in there though to make it better - I know if I'd tried to make mine work less he would resented it deeply and that would have been the beginning of the end.

There are a few compensations OP but nowadays it worries me that he'll drop dead with a heart attack without really ever properly having enjoyed the fruits of his labour.

You might want to ask him what he's actually striving for...to educate his lovely kids so they can find a treadmill of their own? It's fine to dedicate your life to a career you enjoy, but if you've chosen to be a spouse and a parent then you can't just ignore those aspects of your life. I'm sure your children would exchange a private education for time with their daddy any day.

Nearthewindymill speaks a lot of sense. It does get easier as they get older and having your own work, whilst exhausting, is also satisfying and will give you self worth.

Wasn't there a thread in Chat relatively recently with advice/shared experiences from partners of people with "extreme hours" jobs?

hang on...

NearTheWindymill and MrsNoodleHead thank you for your thoughtful replies.

Would you be happier living somewhere other than London? Not sure if you have friends/family nearby or whether you might find life easier if you lived outside of London in a town maybe near other nice/supportive family members/friends. If he's earning that much, then maintaining a cheaper non-London family home and maybe a flat near the office for him to use Mon-Thu would give you a better quality of life [and if he's committed to independent schools, schools outside of London will be cheaper].

Agree with others about spending some of the income to make your life easier now: cleaners, extra childcare, gardener, veg boxes, online grocery shopping. You need adequate sleep (so far as your children will allow it!)

Other than that, he needs to get into a position where he has more autonomy over his working pattern/practices - if he's giving all of this time now, there needs to be some give back from his firm - he needs flexibility to say, make parents evenings. Would he consider leaving his current firm, maybe taking his team with him and setting up in practice by himself? If he's in a niche area, are his clients really paying for his firm's name or for his particular expertise? Work for yourself and you can say 'no, sorry, school play this afternoon, speak to my colleague x instead or I can be in touch this evening'.

[also a solicitor who works very long hours. I don't yet have children though and if/when I do, my working hours pattern will have to alter back to at least no more than nominally full time].

I'd also say that the earnings have been a side effect of the drive and determination to be the best rather than the reason. If my DH were a bin man he'd have determined to be the fastest, cleanest, most efficient bin man on the round.

Question is, do you still want "the deal", and if not, what would you like to happen, and is your H willing to consider your wishes as well as his own?

There are payoffs (in addition to the money) for him to working that much, as you say, intellectual challenge, status. He has you covering everything at home. Fine, if you're all Ok with it, most of the tme.

If you are unsure about the future, be careful about going down the private school route. If you miss the typical entry points for state schools would be pressure for him to continue to earn high wages as the alternative could be the less popular local state schools with spaces.

You need to pull your weight rather than confront him.yku don't work.he does
Reexamine the priorities and perhaps you work too,share the financial burden
I see no value in having go at him.do try amicably plan a different work-life balance

scottishmummy I need to pull my weight? seriously? I am a sham to 3 kids under 6, run the household and in the very very little spare time I get I have managed to set up my own business (which is doing v well thank you). And I need to pull my weight?!

sahm

Ok, op, you need to think what he is trying to achieve- and get some kind of plan from him of how he sees himself, wrt you, dc, himself and time for him, and time for you, as a couple etc.

Also, if you have help with the house and dc, then you need to find something fulfilling- if he gave it up tomorrow you may still feel annoyed because something inside you isn't getting out.

There's more than one thing here, IMO

1. Its his job and presumably its not a new thing. Its his life and therefore yours so you have to work to find a way to make it work with him talking about it so he can continue to fulfil his career plans and fit in with being a husband, father and individual. What about his dreams? He's putting them to one side to provide for you.

Before anyone shouts me down, my dh used this as a real reason, then as a pretend reason whilst he was out partying and seeing ow. Before then, I accepted it and did extra studies, another degree, languages. I think its important you both acknowledge how you'd like things to be and actually how they are!

1. Dc are getting older and need him around. Planning. Proper planning, like immovable dates on diary and plan weekends, even if its dad makes cakes with dc. Or has walk to coffee shop with eldest dc and a proper chat with no phones.

1. What do you need to feel able to support him? Help with childcare? It might be very helpful for you to have a live in nanny. I have a friend who is in your position and she has a nanny and a housekeeper. Her dh works all hours. He is lovely too, but still very driven in the city. She has a small home business. Makes peanuts if that. It doesn't matter. She is not relying on him for her personal fulfilment and happiness. She is already happy:)

3 young dc is very hard. Its lonely too. My dh was like yours. But it does pass and if you talk and still love each other and have lots of great sex it is ok. It passes. School, etc. think of the future and how lovely its going to be with all dc at school and what will you do? Start planning for that.

Yes.youre both locked into a he earns all. The money.you need to change that to facilitate change
For as long as he primary earner he's always going to say he can't always down
I'm asking What can be done to reduce his excess hours,change the dynamic.

My DH works in the city (but is not a lawyer) and I had 3 DC under 5 (although now the eldest is 8), so I feel your pain.

For a while DH was commuting to London and working very long hours (regularly getting the last train home, working weekends etc). It was very hard for all of us and I did start wondering whether it was worth being married to someone who barely saw me or the DC.

I have to say it has worked out well for us. DH has changed companies since then and found a better work life balance. He still has an interesting well paid job (he did not have to take a pay cut) and works hard but not crazy hours. The DC are older so it's less relentless for me too. Our marriage is strong. I am really glad we hung in there - it was worth those difficult years.

Maybe that's just not possible for lawyers though - I don't really know. To me, the key issue is how long this is likely to continue, ie when he's likely to make partner and whether things will get better after that. That's what I'd be discussing with him. Good luck OP.

Hi OP, you have my sypathies. My DH is also a lawyer and works very very long hours. I was originally lead to believe this would improve when he made parter except he did, about 5 years ago. Things haven't changed.

I really struggle with it because on the one hand I know he isn't having fun and is doing this to provide nice home and lifestyle for us. But at the same time i hate being alone so much - every evening stuck eating alone, feeling like I'm waiting for him while DS is in bed.

My life has improved a lot since I went back to work. I'm also a professional but I work in house so although I can work hard, I can work from home easily and be v flexible on hours. We have a nanny.

I still make sure to be around for DS morning and evening but days he spends with his lovely nanny having fun, while i use my brain, talk to some adults and simply get a bit of balance in my life.

Being a sahm is hard but especially so if you are alone all day every day. Can you not pay for some help and do something similar? Your DH must be earning well to work this hard!

Another one here with a DH who works A LOT. I have 2 under 5. When DS was small the level of work was doing my head in and DH was a bit tipsy one night and I caught him crying because he didn't think he was working hard enough for us. Bless him he very much feels the responsibility to provide for his family and give us the best life possible materially when actually it turned out we just wanted him.

Luckily he's not in law and last year finally found an in house job that is sufficiently intellectually stimulating for him. He is another one who can't just downsize because he gets bored. Really bored. Really fast. And it's awful. And the more interesting jobs demand more from him.

He has not chosen work over us. It's his way of showing us he loves us.

If you're well off, I wonder if you could consider practical help for a couple of afternoons? Things seem much better when you're not exhausted.

Another wife of lawyer here, you have my sympathies OP, I would like to say it gets better with partnership but if he is transaction based , as it sounds he is , then I doubt it to be honest, at least for a few years.DH even moved to a medium sized practice in the Regions but the hours have not improved as the clients followed him and to be honest it's just the name of the game .Even when not busy normal office hours are lost on him , he rarely leaves the office before 7.30pm .

Funnily enough Easter has always been difficult , seems always to be busy , we have rarely had a deal free Easter, 2 years ago was particularly horrendous with a massive deal which went on for months plus another smaller nor on the side .It was the only time in the 25 years I have known him that dh rang in middle of night from a conference room ( no sleep for several days ) and told me that if any of the boys ever expressed an interest in the law they should be seriously discouraged .

I also work part time as an accountant but in house , it's been hard with dh hours but worth it to have some semblance of my own life . This year it has got a bit better and certainly dh has seen the effect on his relationship with ds1 and by ds3 has tried harder but he has rarely been to a match, I routinely do parents evening alone and concerts are hit and miss depending on workload , I have lost it with him a few times and pointed out that he is the one missing out but he feels bad already so what's the point of making things worse .

Sorry just to add, once of the things I found and do find most difficult is the 'here but not here syndrome' so when he is busy it takes up his whole head space , he cannot switch it off so he might be here say for Saturday morning but that's only in body , his mind is completely elsewhere , it is impossible to have a conversation about anything serious because he just doesn't have the headspace for it .This is almost more isolating than when he is in the office , I'd almost rather he wasn't here to be honest .

You don't work. Yes you have three children but so do other people who do work. You are lucky really that you can afford to raise those children without having to worry about school holidays or if they are ill and having to take time off work to cover. The only reason you can do this is because your husband has a good job. Cut the man some slack. He is probably exhausted. He doesn't want an earful when he gets home. You knew what you were marrying into. Dare I say you have a privileged life, there are millions out there who are not so lucky.

I don't think Warbride's post was nasty. OP asked for opinions and Warbride gave hers. No personal attacks, just her opinion. There have been many many posts supporting OP wholeheartedly; there is room for dissent too.

OP I sympathise with you as I'm currently working ridiculous hours while my wife and kids are at home. The only difference is that I've only recently started to work like this and we both agreed upon this situation.

Your situation is more complex if he's been like this since uni but if it's really putting you under strain then you need to have a conversation and tell him how you feel.

For sure, relationships need feeding so it's hardly surprising you're drifting apart. I can see this happening with my marriage and have to stop it before it gets out of hand. I guess your husband has to see the same. Whether he does will no doubt determine what sort of future you have together.

I hope you can talk this through and that you get some resolution that suits. IMHO work is important but if you've chosen to have a family then it deserves at least equal effort to become successful. Looking from the outside in, the 'deal' he needs to be chasing/closing, so to speak, is the one at home.

All the best

This is a tricky one. OP says her husband already tried working for a smaller firm but didn't enjoy it. He has made a concious decision to work for an intense magic circle firm, because he enjoys the challenge.

I can sympathise. I worked for many years in investment banking, with crazy hours. The hours were insane and I knew deep down that I was missing out on family life. My DH has a demanding job too. However it was also my ego driving the situation. The environment at work was über competitive and I liked the glamour associated with working with the best people. For many years I allowed my ego to take over. I was also driven by the carrot of promotion.
Over the years I witnessed a lot of men in my team drifting further apart from their families. As you point out OP, your DH is not really involved in your life. After a while it is sometimes easier to stay in the office, as you have lost the connection with your family. All too often I witnessed wives that would have push for a 4th child (because they were bored) and often the wives having affairs because they were bored.
You do need to talk to your DH about how you are feeling,
Maybe even suggesting one small change- such as he has to be home for dinner /bed / bath once a week. You say you are lonely - so maybe even a date night? Could you get a babysitter once a week and meet him for a drink in the City.
Make him understand that he needs to reconnect with you and the kids and invest time in the relationship.