Are all men selfish or is it just mine?

[LadyHH]

Plans for today were that I'd take DD with me to hairdressers for 12, go shopping together and then I'd go out with a friend. DP planned to work at home then meet friends for lunch at 2.30.

DD up this morning at 6 feeling unwell. Calpol and back to bed. Let her sleep till 10 thinking she would feel better. About 10.40 she said she felt too unwell to go out.

DP was sitting in garden (not working). I told him then, at 10.45 that DD not up to going out but that I'd have to keep hair appointment (only chance to get roots done until at least week after next and roots already looking pretty bad!)

Immediate reaction was not, no problem when will you be back. Instead it was "and how long will that take?" With attitude. Two hours I said, but that I'd leave immediately to see if I could get taken early and would come straight home when done. He might have to be half an hour late for lunch. (Which is actually a whole day and night affair) I'm taking it as read I can't go shopping and will cancel my own night out, although he didn't even ask.

This is not good enough apparently and I should have phoned the hairdressers first thing to bring appt forward, or think about rearranging till next week ( which he knows I can't).

AIBU? All I was asking was that he help me out and be half an hour late for the lunch. In general he looks after DD rarely. I do 90% school
runs, arrange any baby sitting and it's always me who has to take time off if she is sick. I do all this without crowing about it but the one time in a v long time I need a hand, all he can think about is being on time for his bloody lunch!!

For goodness sake what a child he is, no you are not BU, if you can't rely on your partner when things don't go according to plan it's a sorry state of affairs....was he watching DD tonight then?

Just read your last bit, that's the problem there....* do 90% school
runs, arrange any baby sitting and it's always me who has to take time off if she is sick*

So, yes, he's being incredibly selfish but if the history has been he does his own thing, this is the result.

So when you said 'why are you being so unpleasant and unhelpful?' what did he say?

In my experience men have been silent and selfish.

Hi jan no, he wasn't watching DD tonight. I had my night planned for weeks and yes, thought he would. Last Fri he told me about this lunch, so I arranged a baby sitter. Me again.

Sometimes he watches her if I go out, but once every couple of months if that. He always moans if I go out and never cuts me any slack the next morning. I still take her dancing or swimming first thing. I've taken to taking the car on nights out to avoid hangovers and late nights.

He, on the other hand will roll in at some point tonight and have no responsibilities in the morning.

Unfortunately MN has opened my eyes to narcissistic behaviour and literally every time he opens his mouth now all I hear is "me, me, me"!

This morning took the biscuit though.

pag it turned into a row about my selfish behaviour and the way I go about things all wrong. Then he sent me an email reminding me of all the things he does do ie. go to work and earn more money than me.

I work FT I earn too (a lot actually) and contribute my fair share.

he sent you an email?
Has he always been like this?

But no, not all men are like that. I woudn't spend a day with someone like that, let alone live with one.

Definitely not all men are like this, esp fathers! I don't know how you fix this if this is the way it has been, it's like he carries on as a single man but has the wifey and kid at home when he feels like it.

Only way to change it is to sit him down and come up with another plan/schedule which will give you a bit more equality in the relationship, no wonder you're mad, I'm mad!

Oh and PS: getting your roots done is extremely important!

It sounds like you're at the stage where you are going to sit down and have a think about whether you want to continue having this man in the house. The fact that he doesn't actually beat you doesn't mean you have to accept all the millions of little things that add up to a demonstration that he considers you a domestic appliance/household pet/his inferior.

pag I've only really noticed it since DD came along. She is 5 now. Everything has to revolve around him. He often emails me with lengthy character assassinations if we fall out. But tbh, I prefer the email cos he is horrific in a face to face argument, and I end up a bubbling mess.

As it turned out today, I went to the hairdressers and came home with wet hair so he could leave on time. Wot a mug.

SGB glorified housekeeper is how I often refer to myself! I'm also a part time skivvi to two DSS on contact weekends and holidays.

Oh you poor thing. It may be that he has uped the bad behaviour since your DD arrived - it will have made it harder or you to tell him not to be a dick.

He sounds like a complete PITA. To call it selfish seems to be minimising it by a factor of 100. You wouldn't take that kind of abusive behaviour from anyone else, I'm guessing. Why tolerate it from the person who is supposed to be closest to you?

Well I'm glad you earn plenty because - be honest - you're a single parent already. Lose the loser and see how much smoother your life becomes?

Oh, and make sure you've got the character assassination emails for a solicitor to look through - evidence of emotional abuse.

I do feel like a single parent and organise my life that way. I have been considering leaving and putting it off for the last two years. Something always happens to make me think there is light at the end of the tunnel. Then something like this morning happens to make me realise there probably isn't.

You don't have to live like this

Yes, OP, time to tell him to sling his hook and MEAN it!

I have all the emails, I keep them stored and read them to remind myself it's him not me! Don't need a lawyer, not married could just walk. Just didn't envisage broken home for DD. Feel I can put up with it as long as I can have a good moan about it now and then. Realistically I know I will leave at some point in the future.

The light at the end of the tunnel is when you're out of there and no longer living life in constant disappointment. And that your dd won't have to grow up thinking that this is the sort of relationship she should expect.

You're a capable intelligent woman - you really don't need him dragging you down.

He emails you lengthy character assassinations if you fall out? ...or leaves you a miserable mess if you argue face to face. And throws a childish strop if he can't do exactly what he expected to do. Nice guy.

I didn't hear much concern about his DD's health from him, either, in your OP. I recognise she's not desperately ill, but what kind of father gets in a strop about his day out, when his child has had to go back to bed unwell.

I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel, either. Sorry :(

The longer you leave it the more it wears you down and longer it takes to build yourself back up again, if at all.......

Cross post but it all stands - and as he may try to make residence all about his needs not dd's it might be wise to have evidence for the future.

Thanks DF, I know this. Just have to get a grip and make the break.

Unfortunately I have a very stressful and demanding job. On top of my "housekeeping duties" I just can't find the strength to add another dollop of stress....

You both made the child, you should look after her 50/50.