Are all men selfish or is it just mine?

[LadyHH]

Plans for today were that I'd take DD with me to hairdressers for 12, go shopping together and then I'd go out with a friend. DP planned to work at home then meet friends for lunch at 2.30.

DD up this morning at 6 feeling unwell. Calpol and back to bed. Let her sleep till 10 thinking she would feel better. About 10.40 she said she felt too unwell to go out.

DP was sitting in garden (not working). I told him then, at 10.45 that DD not up to going out but that I'd have to keep hair appointment (only chance to get roots done until at least week after next and roots already looking pretty bad!)

Immediate reaction was not, no problem when will you be back. Instead it was "and how long will that take?" With attitude. Two hours I said, but that I'd leave immediately to see if I could get taken early and would come straight home when done. He might have to be half an hour late for lunch. (Which is actually a whole day and night affair) I'm taking it as read I can't go shopping and will cancel my own night out, although he didn't even ask.

This is not good enough apparently and I should have phoned the hairdressers first thing to bring appt forward, or think about rearranging till next week ( which he knows I can't).

AIBU? All I was asking was that he help me out and be half an hour late for the lunch. In general he looks after DD rarely. I do 90% school
runs, arrange any baby sitting and it's always me who has to take time off if she is sick. I do all this without crowing about it but the one time in a v long time I need a hand, all he can think about is being on time for his bloody lunch!!

I could have written you OP myself a few months ago. I was with STBXH for 17 years and about 15 of them were miserable. But I didn't realise how miserable I was or how emotionally abusive he was because by then he had got into my head and I believed it was normal. After a very difficult second pregnancy with hyperemesis where he not only didn't support me but actually acted like I was putting it on despite the fact that he could see me vomiting several times a day, I began to realise that this was not how normal people treat the people they are supposed to love. I started making plans to split and after a couple more deal breaking moments after DD2 was born, I asked him to leave when she was 8 weeks old.

I am now 2 months into the split and yes, it has been very hard at times. But my life has also been much more peaceful and relaxed than it has been in years, despite being a single parent to 2 small children. I don't think STBXH thought I would actually go through with it(I had kicked him out before but always taken him back) and so I am currently having to deal with his tantrums and attempts to hurt me but I know that these will pass and then I will be happier than I have been in years. As a previous poster has said, the best way to deal with the tantrums is to ignore them. I started off reacting to them and either argued back or desperately tried to defend myself which just fuelled them even more. Now I just ignore them and it drives him crazy But tantrums aside, the feeling of relief I feel at not having to live with him anymore is huge. Although I am sad that things didn't work out and sad that my daughters will not have the traditional family with a happy mum and dad that I had, these feelings lessen with each passing day as I realise that it is better for my children to see their mum happy and content than bullied and depressed.

Life is too short to put up with being miserable for a large percentage of the time. The question I asked myself is 'would I be happy if either of my DDs brought home a man like STBXH?' The answer was an emphatic no. And I realised that if I wouldn't want it for my DDs, I shouldn't be putting up with it myself. Not only that but if they saw me putting up with it, they themselves would be more likely to put up with it. So I asked him to leave. And it was the best decision I have ever made. Good luck OP, find yourself one of those flats and find happiness again.

Good for you endoftether123. That sadness at not neing the conventional family unit, that is something you grieve for for a while but not forever. I grieved for that but now i feel so proud of myself and so 'at peace' with our family mot being traditoonal.
Im proud i didnt priiritise appearances over genuine contentment. I feel lonely sometimes but i value my freedom like only a woman who has experienced a bad relationship can i think!
Glad to read that you have the split behind you. Did you post about him when u were pregnant?

Flathunting today ladyHH

LadyHH am so impressed you are keeping your perspective and making headway.was there any interaction when he came home last night? Hope you are ok. I really hope a suitable flat is available for you ASAP. Keep going