Are all men selfish or is it just mine?

[LadyHH]

Plans for today were that I'd take DD with me to hairdressers for 12, go shopping together and then I'd go out with a friend. DP planned to work at home then meet friends for lunch at 2.30.

DD up this morning at 6 feeling unwell. Calpol and back to bed. Let her sleep till 10 thinking she would feel better. About 10.40 she said she felt too unwell to go out.

DP was sitting in garden (not working). I told him then, at 10.45 that DD not up to going out but that I'd have to keep hair appointment (only chance to get roots done until at least week after next and roots already looking pretty bad!)

Immediate reaction was not, no problem when will you be back. Instead it was "and how long will that take?" With attitude. Two hours I said, but that I'd leave immediately to see if I could get taken early and would come straight home when done. He might have to be half an hour late for lunch. (Which is actually a whole day and night affair) I'm taking it as read I can't go shopping and will cancel my own night out, although he didn't even ask.

This is not good enough apparently and I should have phoned the hairdressers first thing to bring appt forward, or think about rearranging till next week ( which he knows I can't).

AIBU? All I was asking was that he help me out and be half an hour late for the lunch. In general he looks after DD rarely. I do 90% school
runs, arrange any baby sitting and it's always me who has to take time off if she is sick. I do all this without crowing about it but the one time in a v long time I need a hand, all he can think about is being on time for his bloody lunch!!

Can you treat it as you would a work project? So make a plan for what you need to achieve, identify what resources you'll need etc? Take the emotion out as much as you can and focus on the practicalities.

I know it's tough

Re DD coming from a broken home, c'mon most set ups nowadays are like that, you're entitled to be happy too, not just your DD.

I have been doing that the last few weeks DF. I've looked at getting a mortgage for a flat for me and DD. I would be so much better off! I've seen two flats I'd like to view but due to school hols, juggling childcare and work has meant I've just had no chance to do it.

This is what always happens - I get fired up - get too busy at work and by the time I can think about it again it's all blown over till the next time.

jan re broken home. Starting to wonder whether having to deal with him on permanently hostile terms (if exW anything to do go by) is what's really putting me off.

Maybe you need to write a plan of action that you can stick to? So accept that it will take a bit of time to do the practical things you need to do to leave, but at least you are working towards them.

If he's hostile after you've gone, it will be a lot easier to deal with if you can retreat behind your own front door rather than have to be under the same roof. There's more than one way for a home to be 'broken' and children who grow up in households where one parent is bullying the other often suffer.

Just remember you have the option, don't feel you are trapped with this forever.

my x was like this. utterly selfish and lazy. I tried to get him to be more understanding, less critical of me, more compromising, better man, and better father, a nicer person but it was like pushing water uphill . thank god he's my. I'm not going to risk saaying leave the bastard. But sometimes you make a mistake you pick a wrong'un and it's ok to acknowledge that and deal with the fall out and move on imo. I type that in 4 seconds but it took me four years to get from pleading to leaving.

Thanks for the kind support. It helps to know others can see my point of view so incisively.

DD and I are snuggled up on the sofa under her duvet. She really is my whole life.

Imagine the peace and quiet of having a place of your own and not waiting for the sound of his key in the door. That's what motivated me to take the leap and split. And yeh, he was an arsehole over it. told me "the fuck we will split up" like I had no say in it? like I needed his permission to end the relationship. Ha, relationship. It was not a relationship in any real sense. He wasn't supportive. He just took and I gave.

but, the tantrums die down eventually. I mean the adult X's tantrums by the way. don't expect it to be easy after six weeks. But if you refuse to engage in arguments with him and if you can 'let' him berate you and criticise you without bothering to defend yourself then he'll run out of steam faster (learn from my mistakes there! i kept trying to reason with him after I'd left). But a selfish unreasonable man won't suddenly become selfless and reasonable after you leave, so expect tantrums and oscar winning martyrdom. But it will die down if you don't react to it.

Any chance you could be friends or at least friendly with the ex wife? Moral support etc

ryvita I have imagined that. I've just googled the two flats I was looking at. One is gone now. However, I will continue with my project. One step at a time.

petal ha the exW, it's been occurring to me that maybe she's not as bad as I've been led to believe. Suspect she must have had this too. However, she has recently done something dreadful which could affect my DD in the future (can't say too much) and I now think DP and his exW are probably as bad as each other!

Hi when the DSS comes over does he spend time with them or do you end up playing with them, feeding them etc whilst he does something 'more important'?

Men are not all selfish and Broken homes come in many guises. My dd has fun, laughter and serious conversations with her step dad, she is growing up watching a healthy, respectful and loving relationship - hey he dyes my hair for me! Watching your mum run herself ragged whilst dad does fuck all seems far more 'broken' to me and may encourage her to grow up seeing herself as second best to her husband.

Look at the flat, see if you can imagine yourself and dd happy there. Also
The hairdressers will be easier whilst he is having contact weekends with all his kids...

When DSSs are here, he drops everything to be with them, do whatever they want, cancels all plans etc. I just do all the housework and laundry to keep them all afloat. The mess they make is unbelievable! They get the best of him, we get the thin end of the wedge.... Sometimes wonder if he did really just need a housemaid when he met me, and now that they are midteens, I'm irrelevant?

Wish you all the best with this new 'project', OP. My own project was a spur if the moment thing (lost it with the lazy, miserable, abusive arse, and chucked him out). Project now complete and I am roughly ooh, a gazillion times happier. Go for it.

Of course all men are not like this. Just sexist ones.

Unfortunately there are a significant number of them because boys seem to be taught that sexist/selfish/pervy = masculine but no, they are not all like this.

He sounds absolutely awful. I think you should LTB.

What a dick. Why bother with him at all?

Just found the second flat which was cheaper and nicer on the letting part of Zoopla. Maybe this means it might still be for sale but they got fed up waiting! Maybe I could rent it for 6 months first? That wouldn't require too much planning and I could just move in when I've got it all sorted and furnished and grit my teeth till then. Sounds like a plan. Oh god. Is this it?

Why not make an enquiry, and view the flat, if you want to? No harm in an enquiry.

Even if your H's strop blows over this time, there will be a next time. You can pretty much count on it...

Yes, go, move. You won't regret it. What a horrible little man you'd be leaving.

I think you are looking at this upside down OP. I believe that if you leave this cockwomble, a large chunk of your stress will disappear

Cockwomble lol. You're probably right hampton. I'll go and see it. I can afford 6 months rent to secure it if I like it. I'll def go and see it.

Not even a text to ask how DD is. Cockwomble!

You won't regret leaving. Just put one foot in front of the other. Hope the flat works out.