Are all men selfish or is it just mine?

[LadyHH]

Plans for today were that I'd take DD with me to hairdressers for 12, go shopping together and then I'd go out with a friend. DP planned to work at home then meet friends for lunch at 2.30.

DD up this morning at 6 feeling unwell. Calpol and back to bed. Let her sleep till 10 thinking she would feel better. About 10.40 she said she felt too unwell to go out.

DP was sitting in garden (not working). I told him then, at 10.45 that DD not up to going out but that I'd have to keep hair appointment (only chance to get roots done until at least week after next and roots already looking pretty bad!)

Immediate reaction was not, no problem when will you be back. Instead it was "and how long will that take?" With attitude. Two hours I said, but that I'd leave immediately to see if I could get taken early and would come straight home when done. He might have to be half an hour late for lunch. (Which is actually a whole day and night affair) I'm taking it as read I can't go shopping and will cancel my own night out, although he didn't even ask.

This is not good enough apparently and I should have phoned the hairdressers first thing to bring appt forward, or think about rearranging till next week ( which he knows I can't).

AIBU? All I was asking was that he help me out and be half an hour late for the lunch. In general he looks after DD rarely. I do 90% school
runs, arrange any baby sitting and it's always me who has to take time off if she is sick. I do all this without crowing about it but the one time in a v long time I need a hand, all he can think about is being on time for his bloody lunch!!

Definitely see the flat and renting for 6 months tenancy would buy you time to make decisions. I too love the phrase cockwomble !

I think if you make this break soon rather than later, then all else will fall into place quite swiftly, so be prepared for that, but it certainly sounds like the best decision.

Remember that life will be infinitely better and happier without this dragging you down every day.

Life is really too short to spend it with an unsatisfactory man.

Not all men are selfish! This one, from what you describe is a total self absorbed cockwomble.
U sound like u have it sorted on some level, I wish u all the best in your new place, just u and dd.

The next time u r all fired up, use that frustrayion to take action. Because i wasted years where things would b "calm" for a while but really i was just waiting for the next battle. And every time he upset me with his selfishness id think right that is IT.

but i think he could sense that so a period of calm would follow and i felt anaesthetised all over again.

Now of course my only regret is that i didnt just channel the frusyration in to sorting out a new life much sooner.

Am still getting the silent treatment after Friday (even though I got back in time!) Bank hol weekend and time to surf has me registered to view 4 flats and have also checked out mortgages. The longer he keeps up this rubbish the better.

Good for you lovely lady. Don't waste any more of your time!

Hope you go through with leaving him ladyHH. I wish I had done the same thing years ago now I'm stuck with no job and no hope in hell of getting one and if I leave I would run out of money pretty quick and cant get benefits cause he has put loads of 'his' money in my name.

I almost hope he keeps it up. You will be so much better off on your own.

Towards the end, they don't realise that their attempts to bring you to heel are merely fuelling your determination to leave.

I agree with SGB, life is too short to spend it with an unsatisfactory partner. He is moody, demanding, critical, bleurgh! what a life.

Go and see the flat, and if not that flat, see another flat. Good luck.

Received calls re the flats today (4). Too bloody busy at work to call back. Meanwhile not content with Friday's whole day session, he's out again tonight. Straight from work and still not home. He has managed to text me to tell me that someone in the crowd he's with knows something of our "problems". No comment, just letting me know he has found this out. I was in bed almost asleep when text arrived. Now feel like I'm having a panic attack about what the fallout will be from this. I cannot live like this any longer. I will make time for calls tomorrow come hell or high water.

You're doing GREAT . Keep posting. This is fairly common: he's trying to push your emotional equilibrium so you're off balance and trying to work round his petty little tantrums (presumably he's expecting you now to feel guilty/shamed with that text). It's hard now, but keep on at it, it WILL get better.

I do feel a bit embarrassed tbh if people are talking about me, but that is nothing compared to the dread I feel about what he's going to say about it. My heart has been racing. Only just calming down, but feel there's little prospect of sleep. He's still not in WTF is that all about on a Tues night??

Also, when he gets wind of your plans, be prepared for him to be 'nicey nicey let's make up' as he sees his comfort zone/housemaid disappearing. It won't be sincere. If you don't respond immediately by catering to his every whim then you'll get ranting about how you're hysterical/illogical/unfair. Think of it like a storm or a rainy day: just let it go past, it will just be temporary.

In a way, I don't think you should lose the anger you're feeling now, as its giving you the push to make the big change now. Birth pangs. Just focus on the practical: get the distance and the rest will be clear.

Its not your issue but HIS, DD aside, he's just a blip in the long, glorious saga that will be your life, all the best people have blips.

Yeah hysterical is his favourite adjective when it comes to me. In fact he thinks all women are. "It must be a women thing" is another of his great musings. I feel like the early part of our relationship (before DD) was a total sham. Him keeping me happy so I'd stay and become the glorified housekeeper and put up with being sidelined eow. Throughout her first year he began to morph into this horrible person. I have spent the last couple of years taking the blame and trying to be perfect and not rock the boat. Then all I want is to go to the f'n hairdressers and my veneer has slipped again.

Actually, maintaining a facade is exhausting, i had a lovely circle of friemds but i worked so hard to maintain the facade that one day i realised i felt so disconnected from them that the whole facade thing was pointless.

So i vote for, and recommend, telli g everybody that it is not working, you are very unhappy with him and you cant look forward to a future together.

Make no bones about certainty. The truth is like a grenade almost. Pull the pin on it and instead of a facade you have the catalyst finally to make changes. Suddenly when it is out there then staying is what feels shameful.. not the tension and awkwardness at home.

"Did you read that in a magazine?" Was my x's favourite sneer. Just agree with him. S
Winds the conversation up quicker :-/

I've already told my mum, about a year ago. That was hard. However, she came up trumps and was so supportive. I know she would want me to leave if she knew this was still going on. I am going to try to catch up with her this week and tell her what's been going on.

Yeah, a women's magazine!! Wot is their problem? I thought I had it sussed - financially independent, not demanding (enough apparently), house proud and hard working. He used to big me up for all that. Didn't realise I was just waiting to fall off the pedestal.....

I divorced my EA husband fairly young, and the only negative reaction I got was from people I didn't like anyway (and who didn't like me) so quite frankly I needed to phase them out either way and build a new social life.

Seriously, when you actually keep your eyes open, more people than you know will have had a few relationships that they aren't really putting on their CV or telling others about: it says nothing about YOU as a person.

You come across like a cool woman who loves life (funnily enough, I think it might have been your competency and positive good attitude that attracted the loser in the first place: men like this get a thrill out of breaking strong, charismatic women) you're obviously very well organised to be able to move out soonish.

Make the life that is best for you and your DD: you are perceptive enough to see that its unhealthy for her to grow up thinking women are hysterical, second-class citizens, and I suspect you'll find she'll be much happier and more confident after you've made the break.

Christ that's him in. Better go pretend I'm asleep. Will update tomorrow.

night night, take care

Would you believe he has just phoned me to let him in cos he can't is too drunk find his key? Utter cockwomble...

get on with finding that flat asap tomorrow!