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Original poster

Not as good a friendship as I thought??

37 replies

eveninginviteonly · 17/04/2014 19:15

I have been friends with L for near on 20 years. For much of the last ten years I have lived the other end of the country but have made the effort to visit L when I have been back home visiting family. In all the time I lived down South we regularly spoke on the phone.
Eighteen months ago I moved back closer to home albeit 50 miles away and still we have met up regularly and speak frequently on the phone.
Just after I moved back L told me that she and her P had made a date for the wedding. She told me all the details and every time we spoke about it she checked that I would be coming.
The wedding is in a couple of months time and I have received an invitation but to the evening do only. I do not use fb but have been told that there is lots on there about her forthcoming hen do, which I have also not been invited to.
I am supposed to meet L next week for lunch but I am seriously thinking of cancelling. I am quite hurt and upset by it all, but I am also furious that the invitation to the evening reception asks for money to be donated instead of presents.
How would you handle this?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 17/04/2014 19:19

Well I'm in the minority on mn but the money think wouldn't bother me at all.

With regards to the evening invite - she may be very limited on numbers and so close friends of both of them get priority.

winkywinkola · 17/04/2014 19:21

I can how you're very hurt by this turn up of events.

It's a poor show. Why are you only invited to the evening do only?

It was crass of your friend to do that. And to ask for money.

I would call her up to chat bout it. I've bombed and lost a friend via texting a discussion recently so don't mess up like I did.

Listen to her explanation first. Then decide.

VelmaD · 17/04/2014 19:24

Talk to her. I know my exh and I were upset and put out when we received evening only invites to his best mates wedding. They'd been friends 20 odd years, he'd been best man at our wedding two years earlier, yet we got evening only invites. Other friends got all day. In the end we were invited to the church and the evening. I think it was because it was a child free wedding (we had two very young children) but it still upset us tbh, even though actually with a six month old going to the church, going home, and then going for the evening worked well. Talk to her direct.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 17/04/2014 19:29

I would imagine that she has a close circle of friends that she sees on a regular basis and these are the people that will be at her wedding. Not just someone who she speaks to occasionally and sees once in a blue moon.

BosieDufflecoat · 17/04/2014 19:30

It's the not being invited to the hen night too that would upset me. I understand that people are limited on numbers for ceremonies, but an all-inclusive hen do is usually the way to reassure your female friends that they matter.

If you're excluded from the hen do and the ceremony, and being asked for money, that's a bit off.

Re the hen night: I know my group of friends use Facebook as the primary tool for organising events now, so if you're off FB, you're off the radar. Many people don't seem to bother with email any more. (I genuinely have no idea what many of my friends' email addresses are these days.) Is she organising the hen night herself, or are her bridesmaids in charge and being slack about emailing non-FB people?

You might open the conversation by asking what she's doing for her hen night and say you've missed the details because you don't do Facebook...

BananaPie · 17/04/2014 19:34

I'd try to rise above it to be honest. I don't see that it should necessarily affect your friendship with her. Friendship isn't really about wedding invites etc, it's more about the normal day to day relationship you have with someone and enjoying their company when you talk / meet up. Don't lose a friend over something that's fairly minor in the grand scheme of things.

Holdthepage · 17/04/2014 19:39

I would never be insulted by an an evening invitation. Not everyone has an open ended budget when it comes to weddings. However, I would tailor my wedding gift accordingly.

Original poster
eveninginviteonly · 17/04/2014 19:44

MrsCampbell - In general I too haven't got a problem with wedding invitations asking for money, but I do think it is a bit cheeky on evening only invitations. Especially when a person would have to fork out a lot of money in taxis or a hotel to attend.

Winky - Agree that if a conversation is to be had then it is done over the phone or in person. She has spoken regularly to me about the wedding so could have told me anytime that it is evening only for me.

Velma - I have known from the start it is a child free wedding and she knows I have no problem with that. Much as I love my DC, I know they would have a much better time being spoilt by DGP and we would have a better time without them (sounds terrible I know).
I also know that in the beginning cost was an issue. However as reception venue double booked, the date was changed and they got the venue and catering for free. This is because neither couple would budge on the date. L actually told me that this meant they could pay the extra and invite more people, so I am very confused by her actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
eveninginviteonly · 17/04/2014 19:53

Fair comment Ilovemydog but I think speaking weekly on the phone, texting every other day, and meeting up monthly is more than occasional and definitely more than once in a blue moon.

Banana - I can see what you are saying but I disagree. Has a similar thing happened to you? Were you able to rise above it?

Holdthepage - She has told me in detail about her wedding and the budget etc. If I hadn't thought that we were that close, then I wouldn't be hurt by evening invitation. Nowhere have I said I am insulted by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
eveninginviteonly · 17/04/2014 20:10

Bosie thanks for your reply. She knows I am not on fb but it is possible with all the planning etc I may have been overlooked.
Think will meet for lunch and see what she says.

DP thinks it is possibly because he and her DP have never really hit it off. Guess I'll find out next week.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 17/04/2014 20:47

I was going to suggest that maybe you hadn't made the cut for the day due to budget and that she maybe felt it was rude to invite you to the hen do if you weren't invited to the whole reception, but your post at 19:44 changes all that!

I think it's really rude of her to have talked wedding with you, told you they've been able to increase the day guest list, given you the impression that you were invited and then not even have the courtesy to tell you in person that you were only invited to the evening do, tbh. Are you going to ask her directly about it?

Original poster
eveninginviteonly · 17/04/2014 21:05

It is a difficult one Fetchez. I am really unsure how to handle it.
I have been chatting with a RL friend and she is of the opinion that I should leave it and while still remain "friends" maybe not place as much value on it as I did previously. RL friend thinks that it is just so awkward that to bring it up would probably only end in a falling out anyway.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 18/04/2014 08:52

You know what, maybe now you know.

You know that she doesn't place as high a value on your friendship as she.

That is hurtful. It really is but it is better to know now and act accordingly.

I would just go to the evening do, get her a nice gift and have a good time.

Then go home and just be mindful of investing much in your future friendship with her.

She will look back after all her wedding frenzy and start to think a bit.

But don't you be the one to cast a cloud over her big day - however justified your upset and rude she's been - because that will solve nothing. You will just be remembered as that selfish cow who ruined her big day.

These things can get very dramatic very quickly. Avoid that at all costs because you'll feel worse afters.

ihatethecold · 18/04/2014 08:58

Good advice winky.

QueenQueenie · 18/04/2014 09:01

Speak to her! There doesn't need to be any great drama but you need to have a conversation with her about this if you are to clear up any misunderstanding / have any chance of understanding what is going on. Why wouldn't you? You think she is a good friend so why would you not talk to her?

Simplesusan · 18/04/2014 09:05

Being invited to the evening do wouldn't bother me too much. Asking for cash in the invite I would deliberately ignore and give a gift of your choice, or no gift if it is one of those vile poems telling the world how the lucky couple are in need of nothing.

As for the hen do perhaps the poster was right in assuming all details were arranged via Facebook.

Either way after the wedding start and see this relationship for what it is, she clearly doesn't feel you are a good/important friend so stop putting yourself out for her.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/04/2014 09:42

Nothing surprises me about people's actions anymore...friends can let you down and upset you when you least expect it.

I wouldn't say anything but would 'notch it up' and know where you stand with her.

The money thing shows you a bit about her personality...I think that's awful. So embarrassing. When else do you ever have a party and ask for money?? Crass.

cheeseandpineapple · 18/04/2014 09:56

Is it poss that ceremony is just for close family and reception is for everyone else? Are they at different venues or same venue?

Re hen do, maybe she plans to mention it to you next week at lunch?

sleepdeprivedmadwoman · 18/04/2014 17:08

Winky you have probably given the best advice. After sleeping on it I agree that maybe she no longer sees me as the close friend I do her (she was bridesmaid at my own wedding a few years ago). When we meet I am not going to bring any of this up as I don't want an argument. I have decided to accept that this is just the way it is and move on.

Queen Queenie, if I am right that it is due to her DP not really liking my DH then I think it is too awkward a subject to get into.

I have decided that I will just go to evening do and wish them well and leave it at that. My main problem at the moment is that DH says he is not paying £130 - £160 return taxi fare to attend for a few hours. Even if we stay at a hotel and pay taxis to and from venue it will be £100 min.

Simple would you not be bothered if someone you considered as one of your best friends didn't invite you?

Cheese, if ceremony was just for close family I wouldn't have started thread.

Anyway thanks for all your replies. Winky you have confirmed what I was thinking anyway.

sarahquilt · 18/04/2014 18:30

If I'm only invited to the afters I make a point of not going. It's an insult.

sarahquilt · 18/04/2014 18:30

If I'm only invited to the afters I make a point of not going. It's an insult.

winkywinkola · 19/04/2014 00:29

But Sarah that does nothing for future relations.

EverythingCounts · 19/04/2014 00:39

Eek at 100 to attend evening do. Is there no budget option nearby at all?

Cerisier · 19/04/2014 16:26

I couldn't bear not to say anything in your position as I would be so hurt. I would consider the friendship over so there would be nothing lost in asking for the reason for the lack of hen night and ceremony invitations.

Unless there was a reasonable explanation I wouldn't be going to the evening do.

halfwildlingwoman · 19/04/2014 16:44

One of my friends has invited us to the evening do of her wedding only. I was slightly taken aback as we are very close, but she has e-mailed and texted to say that the registry office is tiny and she is obliged to invite several members of her DH2B's extended family. She was upfront in saying that she is hoping many of them say no so that she can invite us to the actual wedding as well! I also asked about gifts in the RSVP and she said not to bother, but if we really wanted to we could make a contribution to the honeymoon. Perfect host!

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