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Original poster

Ex wife won't leave husbands family alone

90 replies

Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:13

My husband's ex has a very large family who she is very close to and sees a lot of. My husband has very little family however, but what family he does have his ex wife (split over 5 years ago) still invites some of them to major family events with her family such as Christmas and Easter and they attend if free! In fact I had a very hard time being accepted by his family which I am sure is linked to their relationship with his ex, and I was nothing to do with their marriage break up.

Ex wife also was very off with to start with but I have no contact with her now. She has two teenage children with my husband and we see them regularly.

I just don't know what the motivation is to remain so tightly knit with my husband's family and just indicates to me that she hasn't moved on after all of this time. We have been married for 18 months and ecpecting a baby.

My husband thinks it is a bit unsatisfactory and has wondered whether he should air his feeling but I have said not to as thought it would seem bitter and make it look too much like we care and that we should rise above it and just ignore. But it does bug me! We are spending Easter alone and his family is going to the ex wife!

I am very secure and happy with my husband and we have a very supportive and loving relationship, so this element of our lives is such a shame

Any advice on how to handle the situation is welcome.

OP posts:
rinabean · 16/04/2014 18:16

It's normal. They were her family for about a decade or more?

You don't sound secure and happy.

sillymillyb · 16/04/2014 18:16

I have to be quick as putting my ds to bed, but they are her children's grandparents and family are they not? Surely she is doing a GOOD thing by being civil and keeping them a part of the family for the sake of the children's relationships?

I've worded this clumsily because I'm in a hurry, so I hope this makes sense to you.

hamptoncourt · 16/04/2014 18:17

I have lots of advice. Read all the threads on here from posters who have to spend easter/holidays with ILS and don't want to!!!

I guess what I am saying OP is be careful what you wish for. I would be unbelievably grateful if the exwife was keeping my ILS occupied all over the holidays so I could spend it with my own lovely nuclear family.

Try to be glad with the situation you do have and don't see it as a slight on you. If you think of it as her "doing you a favour" does that make it easier?

You may find that once your own baby comes you can't get rid of them!!

TheGirlFromIpanema · 16/04/2014 18:19

If you are happy and secure in a loving relationship you need to (trying to be gentle) get over your apprehension.

In short, you have no control over who other people choose to spend their time with. Perhaps they all like one another?

I don't see their is a 'situation' to handle tbh. Only you can cure your own insecurities.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 16/04/2014 18:19

there obvs.

Bloodyteenagers · 16/04/2014 18:20

Really don't see the problem. Your dh's family are also his children's family. The children will want a relationship with them.

So how to deal with it? Accept the fact that your step children will want a relationship with all family, and be an adult about it

wigglylines · 16/04/2014 18:21

Did you invite them to Easter?

As there are DCs from their marriage I see nothing odd about her keeping in touch with the family if they get on.

mercibucket · 16/04/2014 18:22

sounds nice for them all tbh, that relations are good, can only be good for the kids

PatriciaHolm · 16/04/2014 18:25

They were her family for many years, and they still are her children's family and will be for ever. If relations are amicable, it make sense that the children's grandparents and uncles/aunts are invited to their events. I think you need to make your peace with it.

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:26

I am secure and happy with husband but from being treated badly by ex wife and family members (totally ignored for most visits by my brother in law) I am not secure in my relationship with his family or how they view me. And I guess I see their continued closeness to ex wife as a continued reluctance to accept me. And I am worried about motivations of ex wife- I don't think she would continue this relationship if she remarried and was happy with a new partner. Am I wr

OP posts:
FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 16/04/2014 18:26

She is related to them through the kids.

The ILs probably like her.

None of it is anything you need to get involved in, surely?

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:26

Am I wrong here? Quite happy to be t

OP posts:
mercibucket · 16/04/2014 18:27

i hope my sil doesnt dump me when she remarries Shock

your attitude to family is very 'disposable' tbh

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:27

Quite happy to be told if you think I am barking up the wrong tree!

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 16/04/2014 18:27

She is maintaining a relationship with her childrens grand parents.

Good for her.

PatriciaHolm · 16/04/2014 18:30

Why wouldn't she want to maintain good relations with her children's family?

Maybe his family are struggling with accepting you, which is a shame, but it seems they were very close to her and wish to retain a relationship as she is the mother of their grandchildren. Does your DH have any idea why they are reluctant? Are you much younger than him? (You mention his existing children are teens) Hopefully over time they will come to build more of a relationship with you.

CookieDoughKid · 16/04/2014 18:32

I think you are barking up the wrong tree. They are her family also by blood. Her children's blood (and your step children). I can understand the discomfort but really, your acceptance is not her problem. Nor can she fix it either. I think you're focusing on the wrong people.

Turn it on its head. Its fab she gets on with them all.

MelonadeAgain · 16/04/2014 18:34

Sounds quite civilised to me.

minniemagoo · 16/04/2014 18:35

You said in your OP they go if free, then mentioned that you and DH are alone for Easter and they are going to Ex's. Firstly did you invite them, I would imagine an invite to see their GC at Easter would be appreciated. Your child isn't yet here. If you want them to be a part of your DCs life make plans sooner, then if they turn you down, then you have a problem!

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:37

My husband has no parents. Only siblings.

OP posts:
Bloodyteenagers · 16/04/2014 18:37

Seriously, barking up wrong tree.
She will always be involved with them, because the children will want this.
Just because the parents have split up should not mean that the children loose out on half of their family.

magoria · 16/04/2014 18:38

His family are going to see their family. Your H and his ex's children.

This is a good thing. It is much better for these children that they all get on and have a relationship.

How they treat you is not a good thing. Your H needs to tell them that you are his wife now and that they treat you civilly at least.

CurtWild · 16/04/2014 18:43

I can't see anything wrong with it. If your husband's DC are teenagers, then she's been part of her exh's family for at least 13 years. Obviously there's a lot of shared history there, she probably still considers them family and probably friends too.

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:44

And yes I am 11 years younger. But I must stress again I came along after the break up, and so have no idea why they would have difficulty accepting me. I get on well with his kids too. I guess why I find it unusual is because I have come from a split family myself and there was no mixing between different sides of the family (ie my mum and dads side) and so that is my normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:50

And we can ensure his kids see his family surely? It is not like they wouldn't see them if it wasn't for his ex.

OP posts:
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