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Original poster

Ex wife won't leave husbands family alone

90 replies

Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 18:13

My husband's ex has a very large family who she is very close to and sees a lot of. My husband has very little family however, but what family he does have his ex wife (split over 5 years ago) still invites some of them to major family events with her family such as Christmas and Easter and they attend if free! In fact I had a very hard time being accepted by his family which I am sure is linked to their relationship with his ex, and I was nothing to do with their marriage break up.

Ex wife also was very off with to start with but I have no contact with her now. She has two teenage children with my husband and we see them regularly.

I just don't know what the motivation is to remain so tightly knit with my husband's family and just indicates to me that she hasn't moved on after all of this time. We have been married for 18 months and ecpecting a baby.

My husband thinks it is a bit unsatisfactory and has wondered whether he should air his feeling but I have said not to as thought it would seem bitter and make it look too much like we care and that we should rise above it and just ignore. But it does bug me! We are spending Easter alone and his family is going to the ex wife!

I am very secure and happy with my husband and we have a very supportive and loving relationship, so this element of our lives is such a shame

Any advice on how to handle the situation is welcome.

OP posts:
KellyHopter · 16/04/2014 18:50

I wonder if it might help to think about it from the perspective of them being friends?

Yes, everyone's right that its good for the children, they're still family etc but if that aspect hasn't helped you accept the situation then think about it from the pov that they all clearly like each other and choose to spend time together.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be the same fondness for you but that's ok, we can't be liked by everyone.

They are friends, they met because of your husband, but are still friends and so there is no 'situation' and nothing to be done.

mercibucket · 16/04/2014 18:51

separate the two out

i got told off for staying in touch with sil. well, she is someone i have known a long time, i am not so fickle. plus, she has the kids (my nieces and nephews) more and is easier to see kids via her than bil to be honest.

they should still be civil with you and hopefully a friendship will develop from that

Smokinmirrors · 16/04/2014 18:52

Why did they split up?

And how do you get on with your step-children?

Tbh I would be upset if I was cold-shouldered constantly by my partner's ex and his siblings, yet they were all happy to hang out with her.

Have his family shown any interest in your forthcoming baby?

Probably not.

KellyHopter · 16/04/2014 18:54

Yes, definitely separate their friendship with her and the lack of friendship with you.

Even if somehow dh put his foot down an en end to their get-togethers that wouldn't lead to them liking you more.

As long as they are civil and respectful to you there is no problem. And if they aren't civil to you that is not the fault of exw.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/04/2014 18:56

You don't divorce in laws unless you want to. My in laws are still my family. They still keep in touch with XH first fiancée from 12 years ago! I have 4 sils so we are good friends. I'd be fucking furious if anyone suggested that I should stop contact with them.

Rommell · 16/04/2014 18:56

I agree with others who have said there are two issues here.

The first is her relationship with them which is, to be quite frank, none of your business, however it makes you feel.

The second is their relationship with you, which sounds less than good. As this is clearly making you unhappy, your husband needs to speak up on your behalf. You can't do it; it has to come from him. He should be supporting you.

HaroldLloyd · 16/04/2014 18:57

If there were no children I would find it weird, but there are and that means that you are all interlinked wether you like it or not.

If you want to spend more occasions with them I would just plan a few things and ask in advance, there are plenty of weekends etc for them to see both ex and her children and spend time with you too.

mercibucket · 16/04/2014 18:57

i was furious Angry
it is so controlling

i know the op has not asked, just venting, thank goodness

RedFocus · 16/04/2014 18:58

I am grateful that my dh's ex is still 'in' with my pil as it means we don't have them visiting us as they just go through her Wink haha she has to put up with them instead.

Rommell · 16/04/2014 18:58

Although yes I would agree with people who say that civility is the goal you want to reach with them; friendship would be nice, of course, but you can't force anyone to be your friend. But they shouldn't be ignoring you - that is unpleasant behaviour and unnecessary.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2014 19:00

Why would she not be still a part of the family. They are her children's grandparents. I'd think it was more strange if she was disowned by them.

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 19:02

Having been through my parents divorce when I was young I am not sure I suffered because my mother not being visited by my dad's family and vica versa. Except maybe that I would find this situation more normal! They were not happy years though so maybe you are all right. It has been very useful to hear from so many that it is all very normal. I will now feel much happier about them meeting. Thank you. X

OP posts:
Minime85 · 16/04/2014 19:04

I've not been separated long but am still in touch with stbexh family. I probably receive more contact from them than he does! it was always me who organised and led this before and I think they genuinely want to know how I am and more so the dds.

I think if I read it right, that its siblings rather than parents then they are friendships more likely to last to do with age and having had children at same time etc.

why don't u and your dh invite them all over to yours?

CurtWild · 16/04/2014 19:05

I think perhaps working on your relationship with them rather than worrying about her relationship with them is the way to go. You can't really dictate who spends time with who and I would imagine there's a friendship there after such a long history. Unfortunately, just because it bothers you is no reason for any of them to stop being friendly.
I agree it's not nice if they're standoffish with you, though.

workhouse · 16/04/2014 19:13

I don't think that you are barking up the wrong tree OP, of course the children will keep up a good relationship with your DH's family, through their father, your DH.

It sounds like she is monopolising all the big occasions and pushing you and your DH out slightly. Your DH is in a difficult position as I am sure he realises that you don't want to spend all family occasions in the company of his ex wife. And you need to feel confident enough to grow a relationship with them without feeling in competition with someone else.

Of course she should keep up with your DHs family, they are all friends by the sound of it, but she really needs to back off a bit. I think though, that it is up to your DH to sort it out with his family, that you are given respect and treated more civilly

Smokinmirrors · 16/04/2014 19:18

I agree with the pp who said that maybe your H needs to speak up for you more somehow - so that you don't feel 'ganged up on'.

Remember, for yoursefl, that your soon-to-be-baby is just as important, wonderful and special as his current teenage dcs and she'he deserves as much of your H's family's love care and attention.

This often doesn't happen though. Families are frequently tribal and see new babies as second-rate somehow.

You sound lovely OP. Remain calm, focused on your coming precious treasure and on the wonderful mum you are going to be and sod em.

Smokinmirrors · 16/04/2014 19:20

I really wish there was a 'like' button for posts on MN..I would give a big like to workhouse's comment

workhouse · 16/04/2014 19:23

Likewise Smokinmirrors, I really think that the OP needs some people on her side here.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/04/2014 19:24

It may be they are trying to stay close to the ex in order to get more time with their grandchildren, or it may be they just like her a lot. Or possibly your husband treated his ex badly in their eyes and they feel she deserves their support. But if I were your husband I would be a bit annoyed with my parents. My own parents broke up when I was little and my maternal grandparents maintained a strong relationship with my father. It was of no benefit to me and my mother felt really betrayed by their preference for her ex (my father) over her.

I don't think there is anything you can do about it. In terms of whether it's OK for them to spend so much time with your DH's ex that's really your DH and his parents to sort out. I see it is worrying for you that they don't seem to get on with you, especially with a baby on the way, but that is a separate issue from whether they have a relationship with another mother of their grandchildren. It's not really different for you than if they had another SIL they got on well with - these relationships aren't all going to be the same.

itwillgetbettersoon · 16/04/2014 19:33

Do you invite your H siblings to your events?

I keep in touch with everyone! (Unless they are rude to me or snub me!). I don't think you can dispose of people just because a relationship ends more so if people are friends.

Your h ex wife has been friends with his family for a long time. Perhaps you need to direct your disappointment to your h rather than the ex wife. Why doesn't he organise a meal or something. I'm sure the ex w isn't hoping to get back with her ex h - us ex wives aren't that desperate I'm afraid!

wannaBe · 16/04/2014 19:34

I don't get why because a couple is divorced the family should be expected to end their relationship with the ex even if there aren't any children involved. when you begin a relationship the family are just that - the family - but as the relationship develops so do individual relationships with individual family members and they become relationships/friendships in their own right iyswim. The divorce happened between the husband and his ex wife, her relationships with individual members of his family are still theirs and they all have a right to them.

My aunt divorced her xh over twenty years ago, there are no children, but she is still friends with his family - to the point she used to go round there for dinner with her new partner. The divorce was mutual - they just grew apart - why should the family have cut her off exactly? Now her dp has recently died, does this mean that his family should cut her off also as she's no longer a member of the family? Hmm

Conversely I have no relationship with my xh's family (their choice), which means that if anything ever happened to xh my ds would end up losing his relationship with his family as well since they refuse to speak to me.

Scenario one is far better IMO.

You need to get your dh to speak to his family about the way they treat you though. Perhaps they found it difficult to accept the divorce esp if they all had close relationships with the ex. Or perhaps he was actually the party in the wrong hence they have maintained the relationship with his family. Why did they split up?

MissWimpyDimple · 16/04/2014 19:39

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LyndaCartersBigPants · 16/04/2014 19:46

They were her family too, for several years. Presumably they got on well. Why would she just drop those people from her life because it doesn't suit you?

Fwiw, I'm off out for dinner with my ex and his family this weekend. They'll all pop round for a cup of tea to my house (ex's former home) and my dp doesn't mind at all.

If ex had a gf and she objected to me spending time with his family, quite frankly I couldn't give a fuck. I like them, I always got on better with them than my own family and they said I'd always be part do their family when we split up. It's nice for the dcs that we can all spend time together.

You need to grow up.

Original poster
Poppet77 · 16/04/2014 19:49

I think my husbands sister and brother in law found it very difficult to deal with the divorce and did feel very sorry for him. He was unhappy for a long time and left her. So I am sure this is the source of their difficultly accepting me. I think all parties involved are good people but just with a hard time adjusting to changes to their lives that they may not be used to or like. I get on very well with his children: they were the best men at our wedding and gave lovely speeches. Sister and brother in law are much better than they were in the early days.

OP posts:
PlantsAndFlowers · 16/04/2014 19:59

I think it's weird that everyone is saying this is normal. It is not.

For those saying that she is related to them through her DC... It is your DH's responsibility to foster that relationship, not her.

Were you the OW? I think people are responding to you as of you were .

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