Ex wife won't leave husbands family alone

[Poppet77]

My husband's ex has a very large family who she is very close to and sees a lot of. My husband has very little family however, but what family he does have his ex wife (split over 5 years ago) still invites some of them to major family events with her family such as Christmas and Easter and they attend if free! In fact I had a very hard time being accepted by his family which I am sure is linked to their relationship with his ex, and I was nothing to do with their marriage break up.

Ex wife also was very off with to start with but I have no contact with her now. She has two teenage children with my husband and we see them regularly.

I just don't know what the motivation is to remain so tightly knit with my husband's family and just indicates to me that she hasn't moved on after all of this time. We have been married for 18 months and ecpecting a baby.

My husband thinks it is a bit unsatisfactory and has wondered whether he should air his feeling but I have said not to as thought it would seem bitter and make it look too much like we care and that we should rise above it and just ignore. But it does bug me! We are spending Easter alone and his family is going to the ex wife!

I am very secure and happy with my husband and we have a very supportive and loving relationship, so this element of our lives is such a shame

Any advice on how to handle the situation is welcome.

i dont know if it is 'normal' . it is nice.

plants what's normal for one person is weird for another. It takes all sorts, you know, there are no rules to whether or not you keep a good relationship with your ex in laws. I don't see why his ex wife should have to back off if she gets on well with them!

His family probably were upset, because it's not just HIS family that broke up it was theirs too, which is why they want to keep a relationship with his ex.

It may not be 'normal' but I fail to see why it shouldn't be admirable or desirable for people to remain close to their family after a split.

I am stii friends with XH's family & we are all going on holiday again this year. They have been part of my life for 20 years. Why on earth would I suddenly drop them? We split our social occasions. ..sometimes I go with the DC's, sometimes XH goes with his 'P' who hates the arrangement. The fact is that XH's sister's and I get on famously & are as close as my own sister. We are Godparents to each others children. Relationships with extended family don't just end when a couple divorces.

I'm still close to my ExHs family. They were my family and they will always be my daughters family. If a new partner of his didn't like it then it's an issue I think they would have to deal with themselves. I worked hard at maintaining a relationship for my DDs sake. However my daughter also has no contact with her father so if I hadn't tried then she would have lost one half of her family.

The problem here isn't his ex wife's relationship with her in laws, it's their treatment of you. The two are separate issues IMHO.

ex in laws*

good point about the godparents, too

I think your future relationships with his siblings is largely dependant on your husband's relatioships with his siblings and how much you have in common.
If my brother split from his wife I'd still see her because i like her and we have alot in common. If my sister split from her bloke I doubt we'd see much of him again.
I'd still want to see both of my sibs though as we get on really well and if my brother was unhappy about me visiting his ex not him I'd expect him to say something but only if he'd invited me round and I'd chosen to see his ex instead without discussing it. Did your husband invite his sibs round? Is he close to his sibs or is he the sort of bloke whose wife always phoned and sent cards and chose their presents and he became distant from his relatives and stopped making an effort?

I was not the OW - absolutely not. I would never do that. But I think that sometimes it is assumed to be the case and have felt as though i am held at fault with how I have been treated by ex wife and family in the past. But all I did was fall for someone who had baggage from a previous relationship and try and cope with that as best I can with no real experience of it.

Echoing what others have said.....you don't just stop having a relationship with family-in-law just because a marriage breaks up.

My aunt and uncle split up about five years ago, and we see far more of my aunt (who is only related by marriage) than we do of my uncle (DM's brother). She's lovely, and comes to all the family parties, and he rarely does.

2Rebecca - he is not great at remembering birthdays, contacting first etc and his ex would have been far more the social one and organiser. But he still does care a lot about his siblings, even of he is not great at contacting them first. I think his lack of contact may also be linked to the close relations maintained with his ex. It is like he is waiting for them to seek his company out over hers maybe. I don't know. I know I am now the one who prompts about birthday cards and suggests he arranges meeting, even when they haven't always been welcoming of me. I think I would find it easier to reach out to them too if I felt more confident of my position in their eyes.

Poppet In the nicest possible way you need to stop blaming his ex and her relationship with ex in-laws for you relationship with his siblings. They are not the same issue.

They are adults and presumably know you weren't instrumental in the breakdown of their marriage. They should treat you with a bit of respect but the fact they don't is something that they are responsible for and your husband shouldn't be tolerating it.

Your husband should be in your corner here, does he acknowledge his siblings poor behaviour towards you? Does he acknowledge it both to you and them?

tbh I think there's a difference between saying something is "not normal" and "not the norm." Of course it is normal to maintain a relationship with anyone, be they ex family or otherwise, if you have a friendship with them. It may not be the norm to maintain relationships with an ex but that doesn't make it not normal, iyswim.

I do understand the difficulty, my dp's sil has a still close relationship with his ex and I do think this probably alters what she thinks of me or how she feels about me, possibly even that she is being disloyal to her friend even. But in any other circumstance you wouldn't replace one friend with another, so if a friend happens to be family this doesn't make it any different.

Normal or not, I would also be a bit pissed off if I was in your position op. By all means his siblings and your DP's ex can stay mates, but the whole "doing Christmas" and "Easter" together is

You and DH need to start organising the family events so new traditions begin. Otherwise you'll both be pushed out and won't be able to get back in. They can carry on socialising all they like, but you claim the family traditions back.

What I have learned from this thread is that people feel very strongly about this issue and can be fairly harsh in their judgements/comments on how i feel. I was asking advice and am certainly not perfect and and willing to learn and accept alternative view point. Again, I have not acted in any way upon my initial feeling towards this, orher than discuss it with H, and certainly have not tried to prevent or disrupt any relationship between my H and his ex. So please be kind in your comments.

Comment above especially applies to misswimpydimple

You've only been married for 18 months, and they have quite simply known exW for much longer. I'm sure they will become more and more friendly to you as time goes by and you all establish memories and traditions together.

I adore my ex-BIL and far prefer him over my SIL's new husband. I don't blame the new husband for their breakup, and I do like him - but I've known ex-BIL for 20 years! I don't wish they were still married, or anything like that. I'm very happy for SIL and her new marriage. Even I wouldn't miss a Xmas party at SIL's house in favour of her ex!! He's a friend, and my nephews' father - but she's our family member and I wouldn't snub her at Easter or Xmas.

As PuppyMonkey says you need to establish new traditions for everyone to get involved in. Throw some parties. Have fun with them.

Sounds like your dh needs to try a bit harder. Perhaps this is a reflection of the fact that they are closer to his ex than the are to him and not a personal issue against you.

More effort is probably required from your dh and possibly you to get his family involved when your baby comes along.

I wouldn't pin hopes on new traditions they may like the traditions they already have.

I honestly think relationships have to be built or mended first. That can be done any day of the year.

Thank you puppetmonkey, eightandthreequarters and casmama. Good advice about organising events with his family. Our wedding was good for that and they really had a good time at that i think, but need to be more proactive with this now as his wife. I was reluctant initially due to their attitude towards me and didnt want to put myself out to be further snubbed, but now this shows improvement I will be more proactive in arranging or encourage H to be.

Good plan poppet. You did mention your DH isn't good at contacting first/remembering birthdays etc so perhaps it always fell to ex wife to organise social gatherings?
I do think there's nothing wrong with her being close with them but maybe with some encouragement from you, your DH will step up and make sure they socialise with you too.
Good luck..and congratulations on your pregnancy

wimpydimple, what a shocking, horrible and unnecessary post.

Something to think about though. It's not a competition. Your relationship with his family has nothing to do with her relationship with them.

I am separated from my STBXH. I still see MIL regularly, with and without the DCs. She has been a mum to me for well over 10 years, and we are close. We both agreed that regardless of STBXH's opinion (he wants me to have nothing to do with her as he feels it's not my place to socialise with her anymore, the prat) that we were "family" and friends and that was that.

Yes, STBXH's new gf is the OW, although that's not why we separated (I found out about her after I kicked him out). We separated because he was abusive to both myself and the DCs. So yes, the OW may be feeling a bit less than welcome from his family, but I suspect she should be looking at not only her behaviour but his as well. THAT is what his family is reacting to. It's got nothing to do with me.

Just mentally tag his ex as a "family friend" of his family and ignore it. I repeat... this is not a competition. They can be friends with her and still get to know you. It's not all or nothing, you know. Family is always complicated - the less stressed you get about the details, the easier it is on everyone, including yourself.

Thanks for the comment Alice. I don't think I see the ex as competition, not at all and am not jealous of their relationship, i just acknowledge the divided loyalties involved which is different. For example, on first meeting sister she took me to one side and told me all about how the ex was feeling, like it had anything to do with me! She was still holding out for a reconciliation years after the split! I don't think she does now but that sentiment has stuck with me and clouds how I feel about their meetings. I am not doing anything about it but that doesn't make me feel good still. And yes, I know that is for me to deal with and come to terms with. I actually feel for my husband's ex a lot as she has had a very crappy divorce and I think she is a good and nice person.