Ex wife won't leave husbands family alone

[Poppet77]

My husband's ex has a very large family who she is very close to and sees a lot of. My husband has very little family however, but what family he does have his ex wife (split over 5 years ago) still invites some of them to major family events with her family such as Christmas and Easter and they attend if free! In fact I had a very hard time being accepted by his family which I am sure is linked to their relationship with his ex, and I was nothing to do with their marriage break up.

Ex wife also was very off with to start with but I have no contact with her now. She has two teenage children with my husband and we see them regularly.

I just don't know what the motivation is to remain so tightly knit with my husband's family and just indicates to me that she hasn't moved on after all of this time. We have been married for 18 months and ecpecting a baby.

My husband thinks it is a bit unsatisfactory and has wondered whether he should air his feeling but I have said not to as thought it would seem bitter and make it look too much like we care and that we should rise above it and just ignore. But it does bug me! We are spending Easter alone and his family is going to the ex wife!

I am very secure and happy with my husband and we have a very supportive and loving relationship, so this element of our lives is such a shame

Any advice on how to handle the situation is welcome.

I think that the problem here probably isn't so much that they still see her, but that they don't see you. You're human! No wonder that smarts a bit!!

I still have contact with my ex MIL as she takes the children out regularly. I don't see her outside of that, but it's the only way she can see them. We have always got along well. My ex probably hates it though! X

But see, that's the sister's problem there that you've outlined. Not the ex's.

Family relationships are littered with "divided loyalties" all the time. The best thing for you to do is (IMO) simply make your own relationship with them and don't worry about hers.

My STBXH seems to have this weird idea that MIL can't have any type of relationship with his OW if I'm still friendly with MIL. It's ridiculous. I don't give two hoots of MIL has a friendly/good relationship with OW. I suspect it's strained at present because, as I said, of their behaviour and MIL's distaste and irritation about that. But I am careful to make sure that MIL is not put in any position that will make her uncomfortable - so I make sure that I don't go to MIL's when STBXH is visiting her or staying with her. STBXH seems to have no qualms at all about her being in the middle, which frustrates me to no end.

It sounds like your DH's ex is doing nothing wrong here but you placed the blame squarely on HER in your OP... for example:

Ex wife won't leave husbands family alone

still invites some of them to major family events with her family such as Christmas and Easter and they attend if free! In fact I had a very hard time being accepted by his family which I am sure is linked to their relationship with his ex

I just don't know what the motivation is to remain so tightly knit with my husband's family and just indicates to me that she hasn't moved on after all of this time

I have said not to as thought it would seem bitter and make it look too much like we care and that we should rise above it and just ignore. But it does bug me! We are spending Easter alone and his family is going to the ex wife!

But then you've just said this:

I don't think I see the ex as competition, not at all and am not jealous of their relationship

I think it's pretty clear that you DO see her as competition and ARE jealous of their relationship. Until you get past this, you are going to have problems with it. Both she and his family are free to choose to socialise with each other - they've obviously been socialising as family for many years, still have family members in common (the children), and want to continue socialising. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this, and to be fair, there is nothing wrong with it.

You need to forge your own relationship with them on your own level and not keep comparing things to the ex.

I can see why it bothers you, OP.
I agree with workhorse's comment above, too. Whether deliberate or not, and no matter the motivations - the situation is such that the ex seems to be 'taking over' on occasions in such a way that it makes it difficult for you or indeed your DH to participate fully in his family life.

My DH's dad was married several times. His second wife (DH's stepmum) stayed very much at the centre of the family after their split, for decades she was at every family function, head of the table, very much a beloved matriarchal figure. I like her, and don't much care for the third wife, but I still feel (not that its really my business) that it was very tough on third wife and not really on. Interestingly, second wife has a long-time partner too, and he has stayed well away from family functions, finding it all too awkward!

On the other hand, my sister is on the verge of splitting with her husband, and I am gutted at the idea of losing him as family. I love him so much, and was so happy to have him as a brother, and he's an amazing dad to my nephews...I hope he stays a part of our lives, not just their's. But yeah - if he were coming around on special occasions and making it an obstacle to my sister's new family (I mean in the future, there is no one else involved in their split!) - I think he'd be right to choose other times to visit with us.

Anyway - I don't think there is anything wrong with you for feeling this way. I also know how it feels to be a younger second wife trying to find her place, and it can feel pretty miserable, even without the sort of cold shoulder you've encountered. For your own sake, do try and separate the two issues.

Fidelia, I really am not the evil second wife and have nothing against my husband's ex, I don't dislike her, she is a nice person!! I have no competitive feeling over their children for example: all very straight forward and normal. But I do know, understandably that ex wife found the split very hard and that sister in law was very supportive, rightly so! But, it meant that I was somehow made to feel in the wrong for embarking on a relationship with my now DH. That dynamic of me bad guy and ex good guy has made me a bit wary of their ongoing relationship. That is it: not jealous, not competitive, just a bit insecure of my position in his family's eyes as a result of the history.

My daughter's grandmother has been wonderful and I split from her son while I was pregnant, but unfortunately her father has married or been in long-term relationship with a succession of jealous women since then and every time I have had to stay away from family events and only visit when said ladies are not around. It was very hard for my daughter so see me treated like this.

I'm not sure things will ever be what you hope for OP. If the ex is a socialite, organizer type then possibly everyone is happy to let her get on with it and arrange these dos. Perhaps, though, they aren't really that keen but with this having gone on for years, and there being DCs who are part of the picture, no one can turn down invites. Also if the divorce was difficult (whatever that means) for the ex perhaps the family feel sorry for her and obliged to show support at these functions.

So I wouldn't assume that these family dos are as fabulous as they seem to you. Could be a bit of a chore for some.

In your shoes I might try to form a friendship with the ex (not close maybe older wiser acquaintance) especially with new baby, you could ask her advice. She is obviously not going anywhere soon so best if you can forge a friendship of sorts.

Maybe you are concerned that your new baby won't have these wonderful family gatherings and that is bringing it to your attention, but she won't miss what she never had, and the aunts and uncles are now getting on a bit (in comparison to DH's first DCs) so would she want to spend lots of time with them.

Goodness knows why DH's siblings are unfriendly to you, perhaps they feel he was getting above himself finding a younger partner, who knows, sibling rivalries last a life time. Best to ignore.

Once you have new DC you won't have time to worry about all this. Better to concentrate on your own little family and some good friends who you have things in common with (like new babies) and leave the rest to get on with it.

Ok very late reply,
Everyone’s response is negative to your situation, yes it’s great everyone getting along, but your gut feeling telling you different and they were family they are no DIVIORCED marriage in the past as his new pregnant wife effort to get to know you and your baby should also be made, no ones saying the ex can’t be in contact with her EX in laws but her children are old enough to understand the family dynamics, your husband needs to put this right for sake of you and your baby, sounds mentally draining 😕

What age gap beteen you and his siblings? My brother married someone 14 years younger than him, 16 years younger than me and 22 years younger than our eldest sister who never ever understood her. Sometimes its much easier to be friends with somelome your own age.

Zombie zombie!!

Not all about you!!!😡

In reply to wherearemymarbles

I know this thread is very old and the reality is that I doubt anyone that may have posted on this will see my comments. However, on the off chance that they do... I have to speak my mind. Really? Really? Really? @Poppet77 you have my empathy and sympathy for the ludicrous statements given in response to your plea. 25 years with spouse. That is the amount of time I manipulated my feelings, swallowed hard, changed the way I dressed, even stepped away from my religious beliefs because I was raised that you did whatever was necessary to save the marriage both for my faith and for my two children. During that time, my family a strong faith based extended family reached out consistently to try to bring my spouse into the fold, but they were pushed away because they were too simple, didn't party enough, were boring, spent too much time in church, had never left their hometown and were just country folks. While spouses family drank, got divorced, kids out of wedlock, money issues, cheating and criminal behavior. I was cast aside after 25 years because I gave to much to charity, didn't "let my hair down" spent too much time in church. When spouse left they "left the privilege" of being in the family. A family that although they had been part of for 25 years, they only knew because of their relationship with me. Now, 3 years past divorce that they asked for and I begged to not have it occur, spouse is continuously involving themselves in my family. Forcing themselves into relationships that my family is simply too nice to push away. 25 years that spouse did not want to be involved with and now suddenly wants a relationship. This is what happened with me.. NOW drawing parallels with OP statements. No one on this thread INCLUDING myself knows the intricacies and dynamics of the relationships they dealt with and certainly not with the validity necessary to comment as they have done. Please stop assuming that ex's have altruistic values and merely want to be part of the "family" Stop assuming that people are inherently good. There are many ex's (like mine) whose motives for being involved with ex family is to create pain and imbalance in the ex's life. Narcissistic behavior disorder is a real thing. Until you have walked in the shoes of the OP you need to support them rather than cut them down. Staying in a relationship with your ex's family needs to be a decision of the family including the ex.. NOT the decision of the ex to just impose themselves upon the family and breaking down the boundaries that are needed for the spouse left behind to rebuild and reach back into the safety of family and friends. Just because you have the "right" to do something doesn't mean that it is right.

As this thread is from 2018, we're going to close it to new posts now.