About my stepson

[Cuppachaplz]

I probably am being horrible, but I genuinely am at my wits end and don't know what to do.
My husband and his now 19 year old son moved in with my 10 year old son and I about 18 months ago, and we married a few months afterwards. I had previously always got on fine with his children (the other one being at university), and didn't anticipate any problems. I initially tried everything that I could to have ground rules, equally shared chores and family time, but he refuses to do anything except for sit in his room playing computer games. He won't help around the house or clean up after himself. He refuses to wash either himself or his clothes, and won't put clothes to be washed either. He refuses also to make any effort to get a job, but doesn't have any interest in going to college either.
If my husband is out he is aggressive and violent (but never in front of him or anyone else) so I have taken to staying out until he gets home, usually walking around with my son.
He told my son a while ago that if he could split his dad and I up then they could go home, and suspect that this is where things started so I have tried being supportive, and tried asking my husband to talk to him about if he would be happier on his own if we could help him.
Recently he has also started stealing or destroying my things, particularly things that are special to me. The one time my husband made him do some laundry he broke the machine, and since I have stopped asking him to do anything, it feels like he looks for ways to wind me up.
I hate the fact that my 10 year old will do chores without being asked, and yet I am expected to put up with a freeloader who has no intention of doing anything except bully me.
The only house rule for now is that if I am in a room and my husband isn't he must stay out of it. I know this sounds dreadful of me, but I am constantly frightened, and don't know what he might do.
I have begged my gp for counselling, and tried talking to my husband. I am grumpy, snappy and irritable. I can barely sleep and cry every night now. I am at the end of my tether and don't know what do next, and hate myself for thinking that now I just want him out.
I have never posted on anything like this before, but would genuinely appreciate some advice as I don't know what else to try to make things work.

I agree you need to get him to leave while you still live there. Even if that means serving him divorce papers and telling your as " you have won, you told me you wanted to split us up. Now, both of you get the hell out of my house" and start divorce proceedings. The longer you leave the bigger claim he will have on your assets.

Yes, DON'T LEAVE whatever you do. It's your house. If you did leave, you put yourself at a huge disadvantage. Give DH ulimatum, as suggested by Holdthepage and Quinteszilla. And stick to it. It's absolutely outrageous that you're being subjected to this awful abuse.

Just catching up with this thread and was just wondering, apart from the fact that your ss has to leave, but has anyone ever thought of getting some counselling for him?

It doesn't sound like he has much of a life, having been overprotected and living all the time with the knowledge that he will get seriously ill in a not so distant future.

Have you thought of seeking an Occupation Order against your stepson? Possibly with a Non-Molestation Order? This is domestic abuse, and there's existing legislation to remove a perpetrator from the home. It being your home strengthens that.

Might put you in a much stronger position than leaving your home to him. I think it's worth asking a solicitor about it, at the very least.

You could post on Legal to ask basic advice on that - pretty sure stepchildren fall within the applicable class, but obviously not a lawyer so may have misremembered that. But it would be infinitely better for you than leaving and then trying to evict a spouse using the civil courts, when he has marital occupation rights himself, and he isn't the probem/abuser, anyway.

How's it going ?

I hope that you have started to resolve this OP. How can your DH think that it is OK for a nineteen year old adult to hang about the home unwashed and not contributing to anything ?