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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

About my stepson

107 replies

Cuppachaplz · 16/04/2014 09:01

I probably am being horrible, but I genuinely am at my wits end and don't know what to do.
My husband and his now 19 year old son moved in with my 10 year old son and I about 18 months ago, and we married a few months afterwards. I had previously always got on fine with his children (the other one being at university), and didn't anticipate any problems. I initially tried everything that I could to have ground rules, equally shared chores and family time, but he refuses to do anything except for sit in his room playing computer games. He won't help around the house or clean up after himself. He refuses to wash either himself or his clothes, and won't put clothes to be washed either. He refuses also to make any effort to get a job, but doesn't have any interest in going to college either.
If my husband is out he is aggressive and violent (but never in front of him or anyone else) so I have taken to staying out until he gets home, usually walking around with my son.
He told my son a while ago that if he could split his dad and I up then they could go home, and suspect that this is where things started so I have tried being supportive, and tried asking my husband to talk to him about if he would be happier on his own if we could help him.
Recently he has also started stealing or destroying my things, particularly things that are special to me. The one time my husband made him do some laundry he broke the machine, and since I have stopped asking him to do anything, it feels like he looks for ways to wind me up.
I hate the fact that my 10 year old will do chores without being asked, and yet I am expected to put up with a freeloader who has no intention of doing anything except bully me.
The only house rule for now is that if I am in a room and my husband isn't he must stay out of it. I know this sounds dreadful of me, but I am constantly frightened, and don't know what he might do.
I have begged my gp for counselling, and tried talking to my husband. I am grumpy, snappy and irritable. I can barely sleep and cry every night now. I am at the end of my tether and don't know what do next, and hate myself for thinking that now I just want him out.
I have never posted on anything like this before, but would genuinely appreciate some advice as I don't know what else to try to make things work.

OP posts:
balia · 16/04/2014 10:19

It sounds absolutely dreadful. You must ask them to leave - what a terrible situation for you and your son. Someone who can be sneaky and vicious to this extent should not be around your DC. I can't imagine that his Dad hasn't noticed that he is a smelly freeloader, he's just chosen to let you struggle with it. That would be enough for me without the violence, TBH. Would it help, for your own sanity, to secretly record your DSS? You can get voice recorders quite cheaply (we have them at work).

NigellasDealer · 16/04/2014 10:21

and yes, do not call yourself a 'bitch' !! why because you are a stepmother? sod that. do what you have to do to protect yourself and your son.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/04/2014 10:25

You can't possibly watch your son the whole time, you need to kick him out now for your own safety.

Davsmum · 16/04/2014 10:28

No way should you have to put up with this!
This was your home - They moved in with you. The stepson does not HAVE to be there - He should leave and stand on his own two feet and your DH should be making sure this happens.
If he does nothing in the house or clear up after himself then you should not be doing his washing or cooking him any meals - He is an adult!

Your DH should not have got into a relationship with anyone if he was going to put his adult son first in this way - Its totally unacceptable.

puntasticusername · 16/04/2014 10:31

Your stepson must surely have been very traumatised by his mother leaving when he was both young and ill (how awful). I wonder if his behaviour might be about wanting to punish you in her place, and/or trying to protect himself from getting likewise hurt if you ever left him too? Attack is the best sort of defence, sort of thing - you can't hurt him if he hasn't let himself love you.

I mention this not to beg for clemency on his behalf at this point - I agree with everyone else that the behaviour you've described seems utterly unacceptable, you should absolutely not be subjected to it in your own home, and you have a right to expect your husband to back you up in addressing it. Your first priority must be to protect yourself and your son.

missymarmite · 16/04/2014 10:36

What is your dh going to do? Support his ds for the rest of his life? Say he moves out with his ds, is he going to spend the rest of his life single because no woman can cope with his lazy abusive adult child?

Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 10:43

He is 19. I would kick his ass out.

Well maybe not quite but I would give him a time frame to find alternative living arrangements, if he didn't he would then be kicked out.

Can he not go and live with his Mum? He sounds awful.

Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 10:44

Sorry just seen the rest of the comment about his Mum - didn't load properly.

I would honestly tell him to leave.

Original poster
Cuppachaplz · 16/04/2014 10:45

@puntasticusername, these thoughts have occurred to me, which is why I have put up with more than I might have done otherwise. That said, dh and I together 5 years and I have known him, and his children for 10, and there was no obvious cause for concern until they moved in here. I know moving town is hard, but also not my fault!
DH in denial, but as I have said wouldn't take this from DSD. The problem with cameras is that these problems are solved by me not being there, and it's difficult to tape moving or hiding stuff.
And yep, I would feel I had failed utterly if my DS showed no interest in personal hygiene, respect for there's, or life outside of an Xbox by the time he left school (or now for that matter).

OP posts:
Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 10:58

I've re-read some of your posts. It sounds like your step son is gas lighting you.

Your husband needs to man up. His son isn't a child he is a grown man and it's about time he is forced to take responsibility for his actions.

iggymama · 16/04/2014 11:08

I am sorry you are going through this, I have experienced similar behaviour from my own son but he was much younger at 11 years old but still bigger than me. He was also carefully to only be aggressive with no witnesses and my own parents and ex- husband refused to believe he could do it so I know the anguish and isolation you are feeling. You should not have to walk the streets because you are scared to be in your own home.

On a practical note, if you end your marriage I would do it sooner rather than later as in a short marriage of less than two years you could lose less financially.

missymarmite · 16/04/2014 11:09

OP, will you keep us up dated?

TrenchCoat · 16/04/2014 11:12

First of all, you are not a bitch.

Being a Step Parent is often a thankless job. There is often an unwritten rule that there are some things you are not allowed to say and not allowed to feel. You are often silenced in voicing concerns because you are expected to make allowances for that child because of their situation. Then when you try to treat them as your own others berate you and say you are being unfair......its hard!

But in your case, this is not a child. Your stepson is now an adult. You have tried to welcome him into your home and family but he wont accept it.
Nobody should feel frightened in their own home. You should not be taking your own ds out everyday until your DH comes home. This was yours and ds's home before they moved in. Now you are being pushed out. You both have the right to feel safe and secure.

At the moment your stepson is ruling the roost and he knows it. He's nothing but a bully.
You need to gain back full control.
As hard as it is you sit down and tell your dh that you have had enough of being treated like dirt in your own home. Your SS attitude needs to change and he needs to have respect for you, your son and your home. He needs to pull his weight re chores and personal hygiene.

Give a time limit for this to take place (ie within a month or whatever) you want big changes. If it doesn't happen then you Will tell him to leave as you cant live like this any longer.

If your DH wont back you up then I would be telling them both to leave with immediate effect.

You need to put your son's welfare and happiness above anything else, and if you are not happy and frightened in your own home then I imagine your ds will be picking up on this. Do this for your son.

RahRahRasputin · 16/04/2014 11:18

If you do want to try and salvage the marriage, could you consider installing some kind of hidden camera or use a recording device to record some of the things he says to you?

gilliangoof · 16/04/2014 11:23

Tell them to leave.

Quinteszilla · 16/04/2014 11:39

Do you actually want to salvage the marriage?

The son would not be able to behave this way, or to gaslight you, or be violent, if his dad was not actually letting it happen.

He does not believe you, whatever you say, so the son has free reign to do whatever he fancies. Even kick you down the stairs. He will say you fell, and be "devastated" that you could even say such a thing. It does not matter what you say, as long as your husband will always support your son.

Always bear in mind, that the son could do the same to your son, and tell your son that no grown up will believe him. He may be scared for repercussions of saying something.

What effect does it have on the 10 year old to be usurped in his own home, and tiptoe around this other adult?

missymarmite · 16/04/2014 11:49

The more I think about your situation OP, the more frightening I find it. DSS behaviour is extremely sinister and will in all likelihood worsen as his father is ignoring it. DSS can do whatever he pleases.

FracturedViewOfLife · 16/04/2014 11:52

If your DH refuses to believe you and back you up then I would be asking them both to leave.

If you could set your laptop or PC up and leave the webcam recording or leave your phone audio recording you might be able to get some proof. Then your DH could see/listen for himself. Though I'm not sure if too much damage will already have been done.

I'm sorry you are being made to feel like this in your own home Sad

puntasticusername · 16/04/2014 11:56

OP - yes, I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of those sorts of feelings might be behind it all. But as you (and everyone) has said - if his dad won't stand up to him, he won't change and you will be all but forced to break up the family in order to protect yourself and your own DS Sad

Does your DH know that things are quite this bad for you? Does he realise that his marriage and family are on the line here? If he does, and is still refusing to do anything about it, it's hard to see how you're going to win this one unfortunately :/

Quinteszilla · 16/04/2014 12:02

Nanny cam?

Ohbyethen · 16/04/2014 13:40

People are all in before me but I too would:
Record, or prime to record, any possible flash points - your husband is letting you all down by not parenting in any way and being deeply in denial.
I would not hesitate for one second to call the Police when a tirade was begun - you and your son do not deserve fear under your own roof - read the assault and battery charge, you don't have to be physically struck, it's taken seriously before that point.
I would talk to DH, tell him what I was going to do and give him a predetermined amount of time to start taking things seriously or they can both leave. Because if he can watch you anxious, besieged and deeply unhappy and think it's ok for you and a 10 year old child to tramp the streets instead of use their own home in order to facilitate an adult he doesn't love you enough.

It's desperately sad but it's not up to you to make this ok or enable it to not be a problem for your husband. You have got to a place where you feel guilt for trying to end abuse in your own home.If your husband's apathy and inertia win out then you made the right choice to make them both go because you would never have been supported and your lives will just morph around dss.

Of course I hope that won't be the ultimate outcome. But better you stop it now before it's your son you don't see because he despises his brother and dss starts moving gfs in to his free life instead of moving out.

hoobypickypicky · 16/04/2014 13:53

"It is my house, and it have pointed this out several times."

Then throw him OUT!

It really is that simple.

You have a 10 year old to protect. You have yourself to protect.

I would rarely, very rarely in fact, suggest that anyone demands that their needs and those of their own child came before those of their spouse's child but this is different. This is a man not a child. A violent, abusive, threatening man who's making you too scared to remain in your own home and causing your son to have to leave it to wander the streets with you.

If your husband isn't prepared to fully support you then he's enabling the behaviour and is just a big a part of the problem and he must leave too.

YOUR home. YOUR rules. YOUR safety and happiness. YOUR little boy's security and stability.

What comes first? You and your 10 year old son or a violent arsehole and your marriage to a weak, thoughtless man who, if he cared, would have done something about his son a long time ago?

Tiggywinklespinny · 16/04/2014 13:59

It may sound extreme but what about keeping a small voice recorder in your pocket. It seems your husband might only believe hard evidence.

Xenadog · 16/04/2014 14:14

I was going to suggest the same as Tiggy so you can give your DH proof of what his son is like. You would possibly need to have several recordings of his vileness but when presented with a list of different scenarios and occasions where his son has been so awful he will be forced to confront what is going on.

Your DH might be so blind sided by it all that he refuses to believe it or thinks his son has been "set up" some way in which case you get rid of both.

Your DH needs to be wondering what is going on with his son and getting some help as he seems a very disturbed individual and I can imagine his issues are only going to grow worse in time.

hoobypickypicky · 16/04/2014 14:15

Can someone tell me why the OP is being advised by some people to continue living with this violent, aggressive, theiving, destructive, threatening man in her own house, with her 10 year old son?

Can someone tell me why some advice is to record the man's behaviour? Why some are suggesting the he's "given a time limit" to improve?

A bloody time limit? He's had 19 fricking years to realise that violence, threats, gaslighting, ignorance, treating people like shit, theft and aggression are not acceptable!

What sort of planet are we on that this man's desire to continue living in the OP's house and abuse and frighten her and her ineffectual husband's desire to disbelieve her/turn a blind eye/be a wet dishcloth takes priority over the frightened and abused woman and her little boy?

CuppaChaPlz, may I politely suggest that you ask MNHQ to move this over to the relationships board where you will, I think, get more appropriate support and solid practical advice. If you feel that's a good idea you can ask for the thread to be moved by reporting your own post and messaging HQ (click the link marked "report" on the top right hand of your OP).

My apologies if you feel that this isn't necessary. Flowers