Both DH and I contribute to DSD's rent; we offered to do this to support her through university, something my parents did for me. When we moved in together and became a family, I was adamant that I would treat everyone equally, hoping to avoid situations like this, however SS (and DH's blindness to the situation) making this impossible.
She never asked, nor expected it, and very often returns some money at the end of the month if she is offered extra weeks at work, something we do not ask for. She comes back here in holidays, and looks after my DS, who she adores (and likewise) in order to save me childcare costs and then does bar work in the evenings. She has worked very hard for what she has, and we both felt that she needed some help. The point was merely that I would imagine that DH and I would be very much less able to provide this if we were covering 2 sets of rent/bills/etc.
I would have gladly helped SS out, both in terms of finding help/a room, finances, and support with basic skills that doesn't seem to possess, had he wanted to remain in his hometown when DH moved here. I rather feel however that this ship has sailed and that he has placed himself irrevocably beyond any help of that kind from me, although as many people have pointed out, he could presumably look to his father/mother/extended family for that. I do wonder if he gets some kind of kick out of making me feel bad, since since I can't see an awful lot else in to for him.
DH's XW left when both SC were pre-school (SS about 6m old), returning briefly to empty DH's savings, then again to move into a spare room with her new BF when he lost his flat (FFS!), which she was legally entitled to do as both names were on the mortgage. I know this for a fact, as DH and I had been friends for many years, having been to university together.
DH has struggled for many years being a single male parent, and his house was rented, so to move, he would need to start again. When we have had this discussion in the past, he has asked for time to sort out somewhere else.
I cannot tape any violence etc, since this has not happened for a while, more recently it is just attitude, and things disappearing; today all of my jeans have gone from the washing line!
I am fed of of the feeble, puerile and malicious games, and have told my husband that if SS doesn't move out, either with or without him, then DS and I will, and will get an eviction order in order to get our house back. However I was hoping to avoid this. I wanted to go to counselling so that he could hopefully see what this is doing to me and that I am not trying to spite him, or cause problems with his son.
For everyone out there saying that he should believe me over his DS, I do have to ask myself who I would believe were the situation reversed, and the answer is of course that my DS will always come first, which is why I was hoping that an independent counsellor may help.
That said, if he genuinely believes that I am the cause, why would he want his DS living with me anyway.
I have an appointment next week with CAB and the benefits office to discuss what help is out there for SS in terms of housing, since I know he will not bother himself, even if I were to empty his room onto the pavement!DH appears committed to finding a solution, but seems ineffectual, and does't want to be seen to be letting is son down.
I myself don't want to be blamed when SS relapses (likely to happen in the next 5 years or so), and also don't want to 'what if' and blame myself for handling things badly.
Sorry for another rambling response, but thinks that's most questions answered.
Thanks again for everyones help, feels very good to get everything off my chest x