About my stepson

[Cuppachaplz]

I probably am being horrible, but I genuinely am at my wits end and don't know what to do.
My husband and his now 19 year old son moved in with my 10 year old son and I about 18 months ago, and we married a few months afterwards. I had previously always got on fine with his children (the other one being at university), and didn't anticipate any problems. I initially tried everything that I could to have ground rules, equally shared chores and family time, but he refuses to do anything except for sit in his room playing computer games. He won't help around the house or clean up after himself. He refuses to wash either himself or his clothes, and won't put clothes to be washed either. He refuses also to make any effort to get a job, but doesn't have any interest in going to college either.
If my husband is out he is aggressive and violent (but never in front of him or anyone else) so I have taken to staying out until he gets home, usually walking around with my son.
He told my son a while ago that if he could split his dad and I up then they could go home, and suspect that this is where things started so I have tried being supportive, and tried asking my husband to talk to him about if he would be happier on his own if we could help him.
Recently he has also started stealing or destroying my things, particularly things that are special to me. The one time my husband made him do some laundry he broke the machine, and since I have stopped asking him to do anything, it feels like he looks for ways to wind me up.
I hate the fact that my 10 year old will do chores without being asked, and yet I am expected to put up with a freeloader who has no intention of doing anything except bully me.
The only house rule for now is that if I am in a room and my husband isn't he must stay out of it. I know this sounds dreadful of me, but I am constantly frightened, and don't know what he might do.
I have begged my gp for counselling, and tried talking to my husband. I am grumpy, snappy and irritable. I can barely sleep and cry every night now. I am at the end of my tether and don't know what do next, and hate myself for thinking that now I just want him out.
I have never posted on anything like this before, but would genuinely appreciate some advice as I don't know what else to try to make things work.

Because hooby - if you are on the relationship board even briefly you can see it repeatedly - saying to a scared, emotionally exhausted, unsupported woman 'do this difficult thing, end your marriage (which by the way is shit) and do it now, or you are the bastard'is not helpful.
It's also quite nice to listen to the op's point of view and what they feel ready to do. Because people aren't wind up toys that do as you tell them.
I said give x amount of time because I know how difficult it is to deal with the end of a marriage you thought was great - it gives op time to see another perspective of her H's behaviour but also sometimes in order to do what is necessary you need to feel you have exhausted other options or given him a chance - that removes the ability to talk yourself round or be crippled by guilt.

There have been lots of people advising ways through - recording dss, police, ultimatum etc- the op will choose. I for one can't blame her for wanting to save the marriage she thought she had. I also don't know if the DH is how he comes across here.
I think even the most hysterical shrieker here would need more than half a day to get to grips with ending her marriage, evicting two grown men and being pleased about it.

I'd video the boy, show his dad and have DSS leave there and then.

Your DSS thinks he's getting away with it. modern technology means he doesn't get to.

we are here for you every step of the way love. keep posting

Accepted a while ago that can't live with him, as whatever changes I feel it is too late for to ever trust him. Whilst I am concerned that DH may choose to go too, that also is his choice. I still actually have no idea how to get him to leave short of going through the courts.

hooby post is reported in parenting after an earlier suggestion.
iggymama sympathies with you! exactly what I mean! he is very clever to make it look like I am making things up and going loopy! No one else seems to see this, at times I have actually doubted myself and my own sanity, so started keeping diary...

BTW, what is "gas lighting"?

Thanks again for all the kind words and advice

Hooby, the only reason I suggested a "time limit" was to give the op thinking space to sort out whether she wants to salvage her marriage as she hasn't said one way or the other whether she wants it to continue or not. I am just second guessing that she is finding it hard because if she throws the son out now the dh may well go with him.

At least if op gives it one more go and nothing changes she will have time to accept that she did everything she possibly could and the marriage is in fact over.

I am not saying this is the right way to do things as I really don't have a definitive answer to that. Just second guessing the op's feelings.

Oops x Post!

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

OP have a read of the link. It will help to explain gaslighting. It is a horrible thing to be the victim of.

When you say you are not sure how to get him to leave do you mean your step son?

Yes cupid, my SS.
In an ideal world my DH will realise how unhappy I am, and that I would imagine both SS and I would be happier living in separate houses.
DH has supported me every inch of the way in every other aspect of our lives for many years. DSS has been very sneaky, appears completely reasonable (albeit smelly and jobless) to everyone else, whereas I am often tired and over emotional. Knowing my DH, when (if?...) he eventually realises the truth, he will be horrified. Hoping the blinkers are lifted soon...

I think you need to tell your husband that you want his son out your house. Give him 24 hours to see to it or phone the police to have him removed.

That's if you decide you 100% want him out. It must be very stressful for you.

Your DH should know that his wife would never make up or exaggerate something like this! While I agree with a Nanny Cam, that would be a good idea in case you get hurt, crucially, you shouldn't really have to provide evidence! You are afraid for you and your son, your DH needs to step up

Someone has beat me to it. I was just about to say he is gas lighting you.

I think also DH has tried to deal with things on occasion, and believes he has things sorted.
If he comes home and asks why I am upset, when I try to explain it never sounds that bad, making me look loopy.
For example, hiding my keys or kicking over my clean ironing pile never actually sounds that bad on its own, but when it's constant it grinds one down, but over little things.
It really does feel like whatever I say, SS tries to do exactly the opposite to make a point. Now I just simply take the tack of not saying anything, which is hardly healthy either.
DS loving all the park and library time though ;)
I think DH over his head, but can't admit that he doesn't know what do, which was why I wanted us to go to counselling, so he can see why SS and I really cannot live together.
I would need him on side to get SS out. I can't actually see why acting like this makes SS happy; whilst pushing me far enough might mean that he gets his dad to himself again, it also leaves them with nowhere to live.
Daft really, because initially, if he had said didn't want to move I would gave gone out of my way to help, whereas now I really don't see why I should.

my ex mil once wanted to evict her actual son from her home as he was not contributing and his attitude towards her was vile, she went to the citizens advice, and they told her if she typed up 2 eviction notices with the date on and a date to leave by, then presented it to him either by post or hand, if he hasn't left she could ask the police to physically remove him from her home and she could get the locks changed etc. I'm not sure if this still stands as it was ten years ago now. But it might be an idea?

House is mine.
ATM, I/we contribute to DSD at university's rent. Am also concerned that if I am unable to this I would be letting her down. Although she is horrified at how vile her brother has become, but has always been upset that they have never been treated equally, although until recently this seems to have only been getting away with being lazy.
I guess whatever I do, I am the bad guy.
For the record, my DS gets on very well with DH and SS (clearly just me who everyone hates), far better than he gets on with his own dad and his paternal family.

"For example, hiding my keys or kicking over my clean ironing pile never actually sounds that bad on its own,"

That sounds bad enough to me! There is no excuse for either and his Dad should be on to him immediately for these!

Wow! I really feel for you it must be a nightmare. He's never actually physically hurt you but teenagers can be really horrible at times, something in their brains wants to test you, and it must be a million times worse when you are step mum.
A colleague at work (not a child expert, just a mum) explained to me that boys get 'abducted by aliens' about the age of 13, their language turns into grunts, but at about 21 they return to earth and become normal human beings. (BTW the grunts are only for mothers, they can be completely civil to teachers, fathers etc.) I've seen this in a few boys, all completely obnoxious, specially to mum during teenage years, but then turned out to be lovely adults. (Maybe your 19 yr old going thro this late and particularly badly due to life events.)
Hormonal teenager vs. delightful 10 year old: they are a different species, no comparison.
I guess it is 1000x more difficult in step family, hope you can work it out, but look at it from his perspective, he sounds a bit scared and irrational, mother left during illness, possible relapse, mass unemployment for under 25s, I would be scared! Suggest to Dad he spends some time with son, relaxation, male-bonding, fishing, football match, decorate his bedroom, decorate your bedroom, dig the garden, fix the car, gadget shopping, job-hunting, to take the pressure off you? You never know his Dad may even enjoy it!
I read somewhere you should charge rent after kids turn 18, perhaps you could discuss that with his Dad? Dad needs to help, perhaps help him find a job or a course, and pay his own way, it would help his self confidence. Don't know where you live but I think the job market is getting slightly easier now.

That is the problem with emotional abuse, OP, it never sounds such a big deal to other people. I disagree with the idea of getting evidence though as, call me an idealist, but I would expect my husband to believe me and not think I was a neurotic bitch.

I think the best idea here is for you and your husband to live in your respective houses again. Hopefully you can continue your relationship, but I can understand your husband's overprotectiveness, even if it has done his son more harm than good, what I can't understand is that he thinks you should have to put up with this treatment.

Mexican - me too but he either doesn't or, more likely, can't cope with admitting that actually this is serious behaviour from his son. It's easier to minimize and desperately hope that by not rocking the boat for long enough it will eventually just resolve itself.
Unfortunately it's easy to dismiss most chronic, low grade emotional abuse because only the intended recipient gets the tone, the sneering, the body language and the grinding cumulative effect of not only being targeted but by being manipulated so that enough people don't see the problem, the abuser denies and lies enough, you start to doubt your own reality.
Part of recording it for me, I think, is a lifeline of proof to hold on to in the face of lies and denial - did he really say that? Did I actually misunderstand? No, it's right here.

If you're at a point op where you can accept your husband leaving too - cards on the table talk time. In the face of losing his wife, step son, daughter's tolerance and home maybe he will admit he has to face it. If he can't do that, it's very sad and he's letting a lot of people down but he's an adult making a choice.

Sorry only the first sentence was meant to be addrmessed to you Mexican but I forgot my space. And most of my punctuation actually sorry.

OP read back all your posts and you will see that all you have done here is talk the talk. And DH ain't listening!

Now you will have to walk the walk.

You have to actually do something as otherwise DH will just continue to totally ignore you. You are enabling this behaviour as much as he is because you are effectively doing the equivalent of saying "Don't do that."

Tell DH SS has to move out. End of story. If he takes his side then I would commence divorce proceedings to get them both out ( and probably just change the locks whilst they are out.)

How can DH expect you to carry on living like this in your own fucking home? It is outrageous and you are not over reacting, you are under reacting.

I guess whatever I do, I am the bad guy.

This is so telling.
Where is your self worth? Your husband has really done quite a number on you. Why do you believe YOU are the bad guy? Why do you not see that your husband is the bad guy for having created this situation? Why is it your responsibility to fund his daughters education, house and feed his vile, violent and abusive son while you keep out of his way?

Why is it not him? Why is HE not responsible for his childrens behaviour, education and upkeep?