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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

urgent advice please dont judge xxxx

35 replies

danibear123 · 15/04/2014 21:48

Hi try cut this as short as i can my baby boy is 6 months me and father split shortly after birth a moved bk home to scotland he lives england for past three months hes been up every week spending time with our boy and is looking to get place up here to be in his life daily today he has took our boy down to england too see the family fr few days frst time being without my boy so its horrible but just to my revealation he told me he has new gf even though has been saying wel be trying again an want be family and iv just found out pregnant dontknow hw aa have the implant all a mess and av gt possible cancer diagnosis so lifes nt good main point av foned the ex in laws noones seen him or my son and a think an sithin my rights to know where and who hes with considern hes clearly lied about where hes gone help advice what to do please

OP posts:
Littlefish · 15/04/2014 21:52

When is he supposed to be bringing your ds back? Does your ex have parental responsibility?

MamaMumra · 15/04/2014 21:54

Hi there. You must be frantic but don't worry yet about your little boy. They may have gone somewhere for the day.

You have so much on your plate - when are they due back and do you have his dad's number?

RedandChecker · 15/04/2014 21:55

When's he due back with your DS? Has he been in contact directly with you recently? You are having a tough time, you will get support here Thanks

cozietoesie · 15/04/2014 21:56

How long did he disappear for when he went AWOL last time?

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 21:57

Yes well we both on birth certif and hasnt through court etc he took him tdy meant be bk friday but hes nt where he said hes going clearly so i dnt knw where my son is or staying and that worrys me he should have arrived home by now and ex inlaws didnt know ds was even visiting hes nt replying texts or calls so getting bit worried and if he was at the ow no offence but i wouldnt like my childs at a girls hes knew five mins and tht i do not know i dontknow wht to think really frst tym without ds and if hes nt took ds were he said he was just worries me

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Stars66 · 15/04/2014 22:00

If he's not bought your child back at the time he said and no one knows where he is and he's uncontactable, I would call the police. Good luck.

cozietoesie · 15/04/2014 22:01

Has he any friends that he could have dropped off to see before going on to his parents?

He idolizes ds doesn't he? Could he have wanted to show him off to someone on the way south and been delayed?

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 22:02

Well he dissapeared lst time alone after birth of ds for weeks said he had depression a think aas all act to be out with friends and just be nt responsible well he left 1 ths afternoon he should been home tea tym but noone knows he was bringing ds to see them all hes meant be back friday but a dont like thought h being in somone elses homes specially staying over and that a dont know yes spoke at 6 a asked send picture off ds he said no cant batterys low but hes online every minite so clearly lies a can read h like book a know hes upto something thnk you fr messages and replys xxxxx

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Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 22:05

No hes be going from scotland down to london then kent no friends on the way yeah he adores him he was nt their in beginn after birth but has been ever since and so im nt gtn my hopes up espeacially after finding out bout other woman and playing me at same time

OP posts:
Littlefish · 15/04/2014 22:10

He's not due back until Friday, so he hasn't gone missing. Unfortunately, you don't have the right to know where he is, or who he is with. You can't control who he spends time with, even if you haven't met them yet.

I hope he contacts you soon to put your mind at rest.

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 22:13

No am nt talking about him am talking about my son hes only a baby and a can control where my son is and staying as a wouldnt like my baby to stau somewhere a do not know or know wtc a think thats perfectly understandble a have operation tomorrow so hoping hear by then

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headlesslambrini · 15/04/2014 22:18

I appreciate that you are worried but your posts are very hard to read.

SnotandBothered · 15/04/2014 22:20

When you say he's 'online' every minute, what do you mean? You can see him on facebook or something like that?

If so, I would post something on his timeline asking him to contact you urgently (not a personal message that only he can see) but something more public so that he feels more obliged to answer.

It's true he can, in theory, do what he likes when he is with his son, but if you are worried, then it's not unreasonable to ask him to at least let you know where they are staying and that everything is ok.

Might that work?

Littlefish · 15/04/2014 22:22

If your son is with is father, who has parental responsibility, and you have agreed between you that they should have time together, then you can't control who he (your ex) sees, or where he stays when your ds is with him.

I absolutely understand that you would like to know where your son is, and am sure that most people would agree that it is much more appropriate not to introduce a new partner until the relationship is much more secure. However, your son is not missing, he is with his father. His father is an adult who can make his own decisions about who to see and where to stay, even if he has his/your son with him.

I hope your operation goes well tomorrow and that you hear from your ex soon.

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 22:26

Sorry im on the mobile its on predictive messages its being a pain no whatsapp messenger from the mobile yeah i understand its just why hes clearly lied rather know the truth as if hes something to hide my sons also going through seizure investigations and has on and off random tonic clonics etc so i just like to know that where he is and that hes ok i am his mother so understandbly dont like the thought off him in strangers house first time hes been without me also .yeah online on wattsapp it tells you last time been seen etc

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SnotandBothered · 15/04/2014 22:31

OK. So ignoring the fact that he has not actually done anything wrong and in likelihood everything is fine, but just noting that you are concerned and would like reassurance, do you have a mutual friend whom he is more likely to respond to? Text/FB/WhatsApp, that could just pass on a message saying that they are both at XXX house and all is well?

Apart from that, I can't see that you can do much else.

I do think he should respond to messages from the mother of his child, regardless of the fact that he is allowed to go where he wants/see who he wants. Just out of respect/courtesy/human decency

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 22:38

Yeah av said to him A would rather know truth about where u are and with and that ds is ok av already said that the ow is upto to him and not to come grovling back as hes clearly been playing two womem at once he mentiond she has toddler so as a mother if he is their she should understand thats if she knows as dontknow as both clearly been spitting out differant storys as for instance this pregnancy is complete shellshock as on implant he said al deney its mine just small things like that hes completelt changed a trust him with ds but still worry as i have been main caree from day 1

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Littlefish · 15/04/2014 22:44

You've clearly got a lot going on at the moment. Mumsnet is a great place to get support, but I think it would really help if you wrote your posts without text speak to make them easier to read. Smile

cozietoesie · 15/04/2014 22:45

How long will you be in hospital - is it tomorrow that you're going in? And does he know that you have an op?

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 22:51

Yes sorry just about to swap to computer . Yeah he knows should be out friday depending on how it goes x

OP posts:
trambampoline · 15/04/2014 22:53

"a can control where my son is and staying"

Apprently not, hence this thread.

PS, its I, not A.

cozietoesie · 15/04/2014 22:55

I like the idea above of asking a mutual friend or acquaintance to contact him on your behalf to check that DS is OK. (Maybe he's not answering the phone because he thinks you'll be upset or something but would answer someone that wasn't so obviously involved ?)

Can you think of anyone?

SnotandBothered · 15/04/2014 23:04

OP it sounds like he is probably ignoring your messages because he is running from dealing with the drama (not suggesting the dramas aren't real or valid) but perhaps a quick message along the lines of

"Don't need to get into anything about us right now, but can you just let me know that DS is ok and that he is sleeping somewhere safe and clean" or whatever it is that you want reassurance about regarding your son.

Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 23:06

Yeah av asked a mutual friend will see if hear anything . Yes i wrote a instead i due too predictive text sorry my phone makes spelling errors hence why iv switched over to my computer . Yes possibly he isnt wanting to stress me due to everything thats going on at the moment just have not got time for lies especially not ds father x

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Original poster
danibear123 · 15/04/2014 23:12

Yeah av just sent a message and got mutual friend to . Yes we both been very stressed with tests i been having now opp tomorrow and now positive preg test so i think all bit much to take in and the pregnancy wasnt any easier with grade 4 pp with my ds .think he feels we been in and out hospital constantly at the moment i know men have their own way off dealing with things .

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