Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP have you cancelled the family descending on you for easter yet?

Does he accept that he will have to change his job IF you decide you will give him another chance? I fucking wouldn't!

I feel so sad for you. I just sense that you are going to end up doing all the work here, and it will all be exactly as bananas says upthread.

Where does his older three children live? With their mum, or does he have shared custody with his wife?

You have taken on three step children, and become a mum to his fourth child, and he has lost respect for you, being a sahm.

What a turd.

In your shoes I would ask him to leave, and see what happens. If he runs straight to her, you have your answer. I would want him to fight for ME in your shoes, and the only realistic way to see what he wants, is to give him the boot. Let him fight for you. Let him beg for his family.

If he doesnt, then you have your answer.

But I suspect he WILL come crawling back, because it gets too complicated with access arrangements for two lots of children, and keep his mistress hot.

There is so much good advice here that I can't really add to it . I just wanted to give you my support as I am sure you are hurting so much at having your life turned upside down . He is obviously enjoying the situation at the moment as he has the wild sex from one woman ( and can pretend he is young again ) and all the domestic / child care work being done by you . What's not to like from his point of view ?
I was wondering if the OW actually WANTS him with her .... all the washing , child care etc. will certainly cramp their " carefree " lifestyle ... as will the financial support he will need to provide for his children.In 10/15 years time when the aches and pains of age start to encroach no doubt he will find some poor woman to be his " nurse " .... at the moment he probably thinks that if he can keep you on your toes you will provide the nursing !

Please , please listen to the advice given . You are only 40 and sound intelligent and caring . You could take up your career again and I doubt you will be alone for long ( IF you don't want to be ). Take control.... LTB .... no, don't do that .... KTBO ( new phrase ... kick the bastard out ).

I wish you all the best in moving on with your life .

The above poster has a point you know. Do you want to put up with this shit for the next 10 years and then effectively become his carer? You are younger than him. And a damn sight nicer by the sounds of things. He sounds like a right old Drama Queen. Boot him out and start living your life. If you do, both him and his OW are going to think, shit.

Sweetie, just adding my voice to the 'dump the vile man' chorus. And he sounds as if he's using 'talking about his feelings' and 'being honest' as an excuse for just going on and on and on and feeling no compunction about hurting you.

he sounds as if he's using 'talking about his feelings' and 'being honest' as an excuse for just going on and on and on

It's a clear case of mentionitis. By talking about his feelings and the OW with you, he's cementing the grand tragic romance of his miserable shagging about, and revelling in the glow of the OW's adoration.

Do you have a close female friend you could vent to? It sounds like it would help if you had someone IRL to talk to.

Hi OP, I was just about to log off and tackle the dishes when I spotted this thread. You poor thing, what a horrible thing to have happened.

My Dh and I have had our ups and downs and before Xmas he did something that really, really hurt me and made me question our whole relationship. I know in my shoes many women would have left him for what he did but I chose not to go down that road because I love him, he is a brilliant father and when he realised the impact his actions had had on me he was devastated. He still talks about it sometimes and I know his guilt is genuine.

He didn't cheat on me. The deal breaker for me would be if he did something that broke my trust as if that goes then the relationshipi is done for IMO. How can you trust him after this ? I can understand that you can still love him, still believe him to be your soulmate, that's understandable as those feelings have developed over years together and won't disappear overnight. But the trust would have been broken for me the moment I found out. He's through all of that away along with your trust for some uncomplicated fucking with a woman who really should no better (she's in her 30's ?)

You are worth more than a million of this man. Please believe this and all of the other advice you've received on here.

*know better !

^trying to separate the person I worshipped from this deceitful, hurtful, selfish person who doesn't deserve me.
^

The thing is,though, that only one of those people actually exists. The other was a figment of your imagination.

I don't see how you can possibly maintain your dignity and stay with a man who "completely and utterly adores" someone else. That's pretty much the most romantic phrase anyone could use to describe anyone and he respects you so little he said it to you about the OW. How incredibly selfish must he be to say something as hurtful as that to you - let alone to actually feel that way about her. It's horrible.

You need time to process this, I understand that, but I hope you come out with your pride intact. So sorry you're going through this. But yo sound so lovely and once you get rid of this vile person I think you have a good chance of finding someone else. Men love fitness instructors .

What a dreadful man. How sickening that this creep stands in your house and tells you, his wife and mother of his child, that he adores another woman!!! And then has the brass neck to blame YOU!!

I am so cross at his lack of respect for you. And unless he cuts contact with this woman completely, so he never sees her or speaks to her again, then even if he ends this affair (or tells you he has) the risk he will stray with her will always be there and it will cast the most enormous shadow over your life.

I find it so sad that you worshipped this creep, like he was God and you were a little minion of much less importance, rather than husband and wife - EQUALS! He is JUST a man...and a horrible one at that.

Truly, you have already had the experts on your thread and I hope you have understood the depth of feeling about quite how badly your husband is treating you, and how essential it is that you take control rather than accepting the crumbs he throws you to stop youmaking things awkward. You are clearly intelligent and determined - use those skills to enhance your life, not to compete for the prize of this sad, cheating, aging Romeo.

So to answer your original question - no a marriage cannot be saved when he is having an affair. He isn't interested in saving the marriage, he's interested in protecting his financial, childcare and housekeeping interests. No, a marriage cannot be saved by just one spouse . No, a marriage cannot be saved when the cheater plays the STFU about it card, or when he resents you for spoiling his fun game with his new toy.

The marriage cannot be saved with him punishing you for his cheating and you taking everything he throws at you. So save yourself and your children, and please don't kid yourself that he would fight for you - or indeed for anything except his own tawdry wants.

Oh, and please do tell his parents the truth - unfortunately the easter visit has to be cancelled because H is shagging his secretary. For god's sake don't play happy families. Maybe tell them that H will need to arrange to accommodate them at his mistress's house.

'Completely and utterly adores' the OW. That doesn't actually leave much feeling (if any,) left for you, Truly.

Stay strong Op

This isn't just going to go away no matter what you decide....so deal with it your way. Don't allow him to call all the shots.

If you don't cancel the Easter visit, at the very least let him take care of them.
Just tell them you are only sharing a house at the moment, as he will be leaving soon, and they are fully his responsibility.

Truly, I'm a stockbroker. When we look at investments we hold we have to think 'I know why I bought this a month/year/decade ago, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is what do I think it's going to do FROM NOW ON.' Because circumstances change and even really big companies go bust. See the banking sector for recent examples.

You know why you fell in love with him. And if you lose that you will and should mourn its loss. But that is not what you're playing for. If you met him today, introduced to you with a full resume of his recent actions what would you do? Because you're dealing with your life FROM NOW ON.

And I agree that he has more than shown you who he really is .

I think you should ask him to move out while you have space to think. I think you should be open with your families about why he has moved out. If you choose to try and make it work that's up to you but I don't see why you should protect him from any 'shame' he might feel (or feel he should feel at any rate). If it's to protect you from feeling ashamed of taking him back, well that's no one else's business but I would think about why I wouldn't want others to know if I was really happy with my decision.

Stay strong. Hold onto you and your kids, because he isn't looking out for any of you.

Completely and utterly adores the ow? That's just peachy

You're way too understanding op. You're in danger of applying your morals and ethics to his behaviour. You don't understand and can't process it because its so alien to you. Fuck him off before he destroys every shred of trust and confidence you have left.

Don't bother. You won't make sense of it and will make excuses and do the pick me dance, destroying your self esteem in the process. He'll be ok. He's happy! Two women adore him! And actually listen to his crap. No doubt the ow is hearing " I adore my wife... I have to choose, how much do you love me?" And in a right mess. I don't feel sorry for her, but I expect he worked damm hard to get in her knickers.

This weekend - no playing happy families and lying. He probably wants you too though. Unless he storms off and whisks OW off for that Easter break she wants and probably catapulted him into fessing up. She played her hand.

Now you play yours. And btw, you're not fighting for him. You're fighting for yourself and dd. So it would be a good idea to see a solicitor anyway. He was about to leave you as you wrote in your original post. Get checking banks and stuff. He's the type who won't just piss off on a whim without getting sorted.

And does his first wife know his plans? Or are you supposed to heroically manage that with the dc as well?

Just trying to get through each day.
I read and hear what you're all saying - some of it makes me laugh, some of it makes me think and some of it has given me really clear guidance about what deciding what I want, and I can move forward in steps I can deal with.
I have made it clear that I need to be respected, valued and loved in any relationship.

With regard to the family set up, which many of you are asking about - 20 yr old is his - has no relationship with his own mother, 2 middle kids are mine, and then toddler is ours together. We have always been very focused on making things work for the family - but along that (short) way - lost sight of each other as individuals.

I am not blaming myself here - I feel no responsibility for him having an affair. But you do realise how little by little you drift into a set up where we lost intimacy and tenderness (guys, our sex life is the one that's spicy and interesting), we spent very little time really talking to each other and simply enjoying each other's company.

we've talked for hours and hours, it's been good to make myself heard, to assert my personality again. He never considered what life with OW would actually be like - 3 / 4 yrs down the line - she wouldn't seem so adorable in a domestic setting, trying to bond with the kids, entertaining his family. He admitted she wouldn't be very good at any of it.

He thought he could lead a double life, thought he could finish the affair, and then it became addictive, then it became a fantasy escape from real life. He gets that he didn't think about what life what actually be like in the real world with her. He says he's not stupid - but he's incredibly stupid, and arrogant, and selfish, and deluded.

I made our relationship into a romantic fairytale - but I don't adore and worship him - he's just a man, who at this moment, I love - but who has damaged and hurt and deceived me. I don't know if I can move on from that, I don't know whether I can forgive him and really love him again but I'm giving myself some time to find out.
And I hear you people - why would I even want to try with this man - but you're just hearing all the bad stuff about this person, none of the good stuff about this person. And I need to be able to tell our kids that at least we tried to make things work. And only I can decide whether he's worth the effort or not. But he's going to have to make a huge and ongoing commitment to put things right and fix our relationship. I am clear that he's the one who's got to do that work.

Anyway, ultimatum given - he has to tell OW today that affair is over, and I have put a number of conditions on the work situation with her, or he has to move out this evening.

With regard to family visiting - they're still coming at this moment - I don't see any purpose in hurting or worrying them - but i'll be telling them we're having some problems at the moment. If he moves out, then I'll be telling them the exact reason and they can decide if they still want to come.

Each day right now is horrendous - but I am feeling more in control of what's happening and how to move forward.

I am sorry this is happening to you, the same happened to me in January. I told him to leave wheni found the emails between them saying they wished they could stay in each others arms after making love, I love you, you rock my world etc. I thought time apart would make him think, in truth it was a green light to spend more time with her and he got more involved. She is about 8 years younger than me and the only thing she has on me is she isn't too busy washing his pants etc or knackered to fulfil his sex drive. Despite us having slept together a week before he slept with her. Truly wanted his cake and eating it.
At the time he was a married man, our kids were 5 and 10 months. He told me he couldn't choose between us.
I tried, I had already organised relate as he was being so weird, saw the gp as he suggested I had pnd. Load of crap, he did what he wanted to do and got a place with her, joint tenancy before even talking to me about money, its all a massive mid life crisis. And now he wants our kids to visit at his new place, he is watching all the TV we used to love on netflix from the start with her, he's telling me he needs to keep his money so he can live and I must go on benefit. He is trying to pick up our life and transplant it onto her, including my children. Its the worst feeling.
Protect yourself hun, the way I see it if I'm protected legally and financially then if he doesn't come back it doesn't matter and if he does so what.
For goodness sake speak to your gp about counselling its the only way I have coped. They did want to give me antidepressants but I bf. Talking to someone is great therapy.
I'm 2 and a bit months on and I've been as low as I have ever been but now I can see that he won't change and I put up with a lot from the man I idolized. I hope you can see this is his decision not your fault, and that you can be happy on your own. Big hugs.

Truly I thought he would have ended it with her by now....I hope either way things work out for you.

Sounds a little as if you have spoke of the 'cons' of a real relationship with ow and realisation may have kicked in with him. I hope this conversation came from him though. Not up to you to educate him on what looms along the way of his 'affair'.

Hope you have some RL support when and if you need it. If you change your mind over Easter about entertaining don't feel you have to be the 'trooper' and can't cancel.

Good luck.

Will you ever be able to trust him?

As said above, protect yourself financially now.
This is a selfish man who won't give you a second thought if he decides to move on. He's lied very well to you before.
What makes you think he's being honest now?

D Day or decision day but I'd rather you were making a choice. I hope you steel yourself either way because there'll be more pain ahead. Stupid stupid man.

I know from pov of betrayal it doesn't matter if it was a single ONS or he was involved with her pre-Christmas but for someone to be so duplicitous while you were still sleeping together and you unaware, it doesn't bode well for openness and transparency.

My Dad did this to my Mum within 2 years of marriage.

29 years later, I moved away from the area. I offered my mum my house to live in. She said no, even though it wouldn't cost her.

Why did I offer it?

Because he was still doing the same. The girl he was with when I left was 21 years old. He is a dirty dog who showed my mum little respect and I question whether he ever loved any of his family.

She's still there, still unhappy and he is still putting it about at 72. Over the years, I've had my poor mum in tears to me and he knows I'm her sounding board, I've had his worthless platitudes in letters.
She knows now, God, it took her long enough to workout, that she should have left him when she was young enough to start again.

Do not become my mother, it is no way for a life to be lived.

Has my father's behaviour affected his children? Oh yes! No man will ever treat me like he has my mum. I have walked away in the past and I would again.
Myself and my 2 sisters take no shit where men are concerned, never have, never will.

OP so sorry for what you are going through.

But you really can not stay and try and make it work with a man who "utterly adores" someone else. It will kill you. I don't know how you can even contemplate it.

Good luck.

PS in the gentlest way possible, the fact that you've been cheated on three times suggests to me you are settling for too little (without wanting to take away from the cheaters' responsibilities in each case).

All marriages go through crap phases when there are small children, little time, little chance or inclination for intimacy, not to mention things like serious illness, unemployment, bereavement. Decent men don't shag their PA at the first sign that things are not hunky dory.

Decent men don't "lose respect" for a woman mothering their child and bringing up a blended family. They love her even more for it. You do lose a sense of being "your own person" when you have small children. They subsume you. Decent men understand that sacrifice and understand you have enough on your plate without having to be titillating strong in order to keep their "interest".

Don't settle for less than you deserve.