Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

VinoTime, RESPECT! You're absolutely spot on. Dear OP, please take note. Get mad, kick him into touch, let him know you are NOT going to be walked all over any longer. At the moment, HE'S calling the shots ... will he, won't he stay with you?

He's a lying, cheating, insulting, manipulative scumbag. He's trying to hedge his bets - stay with you, go to her, or - wowee, best of all - keep BOTH OF YOU - for housekeeping, childminding, not rocking the boat (in your case) and sex and naughty excitement (in her case).

Call his sodding bluff. Chuck him out. You really can't live with this sort of mind-fuckery.

"I respect his willingness to be completely honest about how he feels."
There's NOTHING I would be respecting about this bloke.

Yes, on the one hand it's good to be honest. On the other, don't let that make you think he's a lovely, poor tortured bloke just because he's fessing up and indulging in a lot of soul-baring about how he loves you both. That does NOT make what he has done OK and if you look at the bigger picture, he has form for buggering off to claim his freedom in a thoroughly entitled manner.

He may not even know it himself but he is testing what you will put up with. You need to show him NOW that it is not this crap.

Truly
You have already attracted an awful lot of comment and some sound advice here and you sound like an intelligent and articulate woman who is well equipped to stand up for herself once the initial shock and horror has worn off.

I am disgusted by your husband's behaviour and attitude towards you and his cavalier attitude to his entire family.

I'm also appalled at his assumption that he is the one in the driving seat and everyone else must wait to find out what suits him and what he decides about the future as though you're in the running to be some poor consolation prize.

I'm usually all for working at a marriage, taking your time to make sure the outcome is really the best one for you and not a knee jerk decision to be repented at leisure, but this story has tried my patience.

I can understand your love for your husband, that is the husband you thought you had. Sadly this man has shown himself to be cold, calculating and I am certain, not the man you thought he was.

I'm so very sorry you're having to go through this. All the best to you.

I would bet my house that the affair will carry on. Cutting off and rekindling it is a big part of the drama and the attraction.

Hold onto one thought: this is how he started behaving three and a bit years in to a lifetime commitment. Sweetheart, I have batteries with better staying power than that. Please, please listen to the wise women on here.

Oh Truly, I have read through this entire thread and feel so so sad and sick to my stomach for you, you must be scared and devastated and in complete shock and disbelief.
I have been in tears reading your posts.

What you are going through is so so close to being unbearable that all you probably want is a hug and for him to reassure you that he does still care about you and love you and all the apologies in the world.
That might be what you want but it is not what you NEED.

It is the VERY worst thing you can do, do not let him get close to you, not physically or emotionally - you are too vulnerable to hear his excuses and self-pity at the moment and you risk letting him manipulate you because all you really want is for everything to be 'ok' and normal again. Many of us know this from personal experience.
I'm so sorry but it won't be normal again, it won't be pure and untainted, it will never be the same and there is absolutely no hope of making any structural repairs to your marriage and family while he is seeing her for more hours of the day at work than he is spending with his family.
I'm so sorry to be so brutal.
If he want to be with you then he needs to leave his job and cut off all contact with her.
If he chooses job security (and seeing his adored OW 5 days a week) over securing your marriage then there is no chance at all.

You will never ever lose the 'sick to the pit of your stomach' every single time he is late home from work, 'client entertaining', going to the gym or at a conference.
You will end up being swallowed up by sadness, bitterness, regret and resentment.
Perhaps if he leaves work and her (completely) and comes back to you, he'll be the one consumed with sadness, bitterness and resentment and regret at losing his other 'love'
Rather him than you, but either way, that's not a happy environment for you or the children and if he can't be fucked to embrace family life wholeheartedly now then he certainly won't be cheerfully enjoying family weekends when he's pining over his lost lover.
I implore you kick him out, yes he'll go to her and it'll all be light and fun for a bit, but he'll carry on going to her regardless if you let him stay, and then come home for you to wash his pants.

At least once you've sent him packing and told him that this long Easter weekend is his first 4 day block of single-fathering a toddler (ensuring that OW is not allowed anywhere near your child), he may well realise that this is not at all what he wants either, and I doubt an unsettled toddler for 48 hours a week in her flat is really on her agenda either and she'll bail anyway.
Tough shit, it's your call now not his.
I'm not tearful now, I'm full of fucking rage, you should be too.

If I were you I'd be inclined to send him a link to this thread so he sees that nearly 200 other people also think he is a selfish, deluded, conceited man-child who has less self control than your 2 year old.

At the moment he probably thinks that because he told you and sort-of said sorry, he's done something admirable, because that's the kind of person he seems to me to be.

he will only 'adore' the OW until she has a baby (which chances are she will want to do with him) and she becomes yet another tiresome bore in his otherwise splendid life.

Then he will find another OW and another .........

If he decides to stay who will leave their job - the OW or him? Let's take a guess ..... I would find it VERY hard not to contact HR about the inappropriateness of this.

'he may resent me for giving up this OW that he "completely and utterly adores"

This has made me furious on your behalf, OP.

Please. Have some self respect. Don't do this. If he puts himself into a situation where he now completely and utterly adores someone else while married to you - he despises you. He has no respect or love for you. No matter what he says. He may be a bit fond of you, and he may think life will be easier in some practical ways with you, but I can't see how you can go forward from this.

I do know of couples who recovered after affairs. But with this man? I think you'd be flogging a dead horse and stretching out the agony for yourself and your children.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. But this tale has horrified me. He's a user, in love with himself, and not a nice man. It's hard to admit you were conned by someone like this, but better to swallow your pride and get on with life, than have to live with this.

Oh, and why are you controlling your emotions and reactions to this to try and impress him?

Anger gets a bad rap. Unwarranted anger is bad, yes. But anger when it is a normal reaction, is a good thing. It shows other people that what they have done is absolutely wrong wrong wrong. We should get angry at circumstances like this. We are not robots. You should not be all calm and considerate right now. You should be absolutely FURIOUS with that disrespectful, selfish, lying fucker. How DARE he have an affair and try to make it sound like your fault for being, you know, an actual grown up with kids and responsibilities?!

^^ absolutely. Now is not the time to be playing the cool wife. I so see myself six or seven years ago in your posts, it's heartbreaking.

One thing I wanted to comment on from earlier on, when you wrote Whether we can move forward and rebuild a relationship is still being discussed - I have given Wednesday as a deadline

This is not a situation that will play out and be done and dusted in a matter of days. You need to brace yourself for weeks, or even months, of shitstorm I'm afraid. The only way to shut it down is for YOU to shut HIM down by kicking him out.

Arrggghh men wind me up sometimes. I am sure that there are times when some wives are fed up with life but don't fuck off and leave their partner to pick up the pieces.

Just coming to this, but he is such a knob!

You can't possibly stay with him.

if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me... WTAF, he's telling you to fight for him??? As in dispute him with the other woman? What a complete mindfucker. This alone deserves a divorce.

I agree with so many posters here.

OP you have got to get angry and tough. You need to make him leave. Currently while you're still trying to play happy families and be nice and wait for him, he has no reason to do anything at all. He can carry on playing the both of you, he's got his shag from the OW and you sitting at home waiting for him. Why should he make any decisions?

You need to take the power back OP. You need to decide how the game is played. He doesn't get to decide.

You kicking him out while you decide what you want may be a dose of reality for him. He may run to the ow, which is what I expect you are trying to avoid. But how is he leading you both on and still being at home any better? I can't imagine how easy it must be to just pretend nothing is happening and bury your head in the sand, but you do need to get some self respect and self worth and stop listening to his bullshit.

If he does 'choose you'. What happens? Life just can't carry on as normal, he still cares for the ow. Sod his family this weekend, tell them what's going on. He should not and does not get to call the shots anymore.

the person I worshipped

Oh dear, you poor poor thing. No-one should be worshipped: we're all just human.

Find the rage! Chuck him out.

It's totally understandable that you love him, you consider him your soulmate, but he doesn't love you.

if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me... yes this is obviously total shite and makes no sense. If he would fight to keep you then he wouldn't be shagging around would he? He has damaged your inclination to stay with him, not you.

Unless what he is saying is that he can shag around but you, as a woman, can't and he would not stand for it?

and again I say

He knows you worship(ped) him and so he thinks he can pull all this "fight over me" bullshit. How DARE he tell you he's having an affair, he loves and adores her, but you're the one who has to make an effort!?

Get over here MrTruly I want to give you a piece of my mind!

Definitely DO NOT link this thread to him. That is stupid advice.

He won't care that we all think he is a pathetic twat. He won't care what strangers think as he doesn't care what his wife thinks.

It is also really disrespectful to the OP that he will only get the message because numerous posters have said it. It should be enough that his wife has said it. It shouldn't even need saying.

OP - if you decide to try and keep him and want advice on protecting yourself in the future - seems he is not financially great - then post again. Don't be afraid to come back. No one will tell you they told you so.

There are certain posters who have been through similar. Who have desperately wanted the man to stay and have worried about the future. All the ones I am thinking of are separated/divorced from their cheating ex husbands and are all much happier.

Make the fucker fight for YOU.

Kick his sorry ass out. If he doesn't fight, well OK, you know. You have to want to be wanted.

Good luck.x

TheLady is spot on with her summary;
He tells you he's betrayed you, he loves someone else and he wants YOU to make an effort and fight the other woman in a battle for his LOVE and commitment.
You were already his chosen one, he proposed, you are married to each other, you don't have to fight off other potential suitors when he has already promised to "love, honour and cherish" you until death do you part. It's his duty to honour you and fight his baser urges around other women, not your duty to strut around trying to win back his attention.
It not even as if you had a completely loveless, affectionless and sexless marriage from your OP.
Your willingness to CONSIDER staying is as much as you need to offer, the rest must come spontaneously from him and his desperation to salvage the marriage or it's not worth a thing.
Sorry.

As other posters have said take the power back yourself. YOU get to decide what happens next. Things cannot get back to how they were before and I know that is desperately sad for you. Lots of us have been there in a similar situation. But tell him to go, get your life back on your terms. He sounds conceited, entitled and terribly immature and you would be much better off without him in your life. He is not your soulmate, he is obviously very good at turning on the charm and reeling in his partners until he gets bored. Do not dance to his tune. This thread has made me very angry on your behalf. You will have a great life after him in time with your lovely dcs.

Truly40 - I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have read the posts where you repeat what your H has said to you. He has no concept of commitment or emotional responsibility to women (you and his OW) or children. You must tell him to leave ASAP.

If your path follows the same as mine, you'll get to the stage where he'll have shown little in making it work, with you bending over backwards to accommodate his recovery. You'll become a mess and sense he is still seeing OW. He'll throw back in your face that you can repair a marriage if you constantly check up. You'll find out the affair is still carrying on. Then finally have the sense and courage to say fuck this.

Then six months will pass and you'll be strong without him and THEN he'll try worming his way back.

OP - was your H brought up in a world where duty was an important value?

I think you've got him up on a pedestal OP, and I think he knows it.