Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Like the others, Truly I'm angry about your husband & his behaviour. There are too many men who behave like this. My father did, and my mother hung on to "save the marriage" -- it's a horrible way to be brought up. It is NOT good for your DC, especially your daughters. Really. In my experience, no parent helps their child by maintaining a marriage in this way. The walking on eggshells, the watchfulness about whether he'll do it again, the resentment ... Ugh it's horrible. And it's taken me the best part of 30 years to process it.

But I'm also sad for you. I think one of the hardest things in this situation is to disconnect emotionally. We are all fuming on your behalf, but you still love him. Of course you do!

This thread is full of wise women -- Does anyone here have any advice for Truly to help her let go of the "in love" feelings she obviously and naturally still has? Because I think she needs to do that before she can take the excellent advice offered here.

Sadly he is immature and self-centred - his parents probably know this only too well! Logically he will not change and if you manage to continue with him it will be fraught I suspect. Stay friends - but let him cool off. Time passes and if there is no reason to act drastically - such as violence, drug/alcohol abuse - so why trigger the trauma? All the very best.

The thing is, if we are absolutely truthful, the besottedness is probably not about the OW's amazingness as a person, but about sex and lust. It is very unlikely, unless the Op's husband is a true romantic and he doesn't sound that way, that this is about much else at the base of it. Carefree independent women are not just intellectually interesting, but also free to dress up, go out to dinner and shag like rabbits. The Op is not, now she has several children to care for and a household to run.

This would kill that 'in love' for me. I wouldn't worry the OW's his soulmate, he's too shallow and repetitively besotted for that. I would worry that he will break everything he has for sex and attention. That's crushing to realize, but might help her see him as just a very ordinary standard cheating bloke (who can't even be bothered to look about to find a soulmate, just starts shagging the secretary for convenience). I think the OP probably needs to see him for what he is, rather than on his pedestal.

Would you want your daughter to stay married to a man who did this? No? Then why is it good enough for you? If you said yes then you really need some help.

He is such a horrible person I can't even find the words.

Would you want your daughter to stay married to a man who did this?

^ this ^

Truly40 has to start believing in her own worth. Maybe counselling by herself, just to get a sense of who she is.

Just by her posts, I would say she is intelligent (had a good career), kind and loving (blended a step family, and is good to both sets of parents), affectionate, physically fit - hmmm, gosh, she sounds quite a catch. Probably very attractive, too. And only 40.

Believe in yourself Truly40 - your DH was barely worthy of you. He's the one who screwed up, not you. He's the one who was lucky enough to have you. You have the moral high ground. If you decide to work on your relationship, remember all of that.

When the penny finally dropped for me, I took my XP off his pedestal and made him very small in my mind. In fact, I visualised him as a cockroach. He was ugly, a bit grubby and not someone I wanted to be around let alone share my bed with. I imagined stamping him out with my foot like a fag butt.

I. on the other hand, was riding a white horse on the beach. I looked beautiful with a white dress, long flowing hair, strong, independent, pure and full of love/light.

Very funny I know but it bloody worked!

Sorry not read whole thread in detail but at
is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life did I read that eight?

FFS I am fuming at this twat. He has kids! Carefree doesn't happen any more - not until they are grown up at least!!!

How would he feel if you said you fancied a carefree life and so you were off?

Soulmate or no - he is a deeply sexist idiot. He thinks he can have "carefree" simply because he is "pretty sure" he "likes the idea of it". Because the women he leaves behind can just pick up the slack, can't they.

Ocean-going selfish TWUNT.

Sorry I am not helping you much with practical advice but REALLY! I have heard some selfish egotistical excuses for affairs in my time but this man takes the biscuit.

I like scoop's idea of putting a bow around him and sending him over. With a note that says "I've finished with this, I thought you might like it? Watch out though it's a bit unreliable. XX"

It is very difficult to over ride emotional feelings with logic and is the reason that people often make decisions that don't make sense to other people who are not in that heightened emotional state.

Therefore the chance of your DH not continuing with OW are probably virtually nil - you have made it even more exciting and drama filled now , and even if they didn't he would only be pining for her anyway and begrudging you for ruining his life. Sooner or later he probably will go off with her after "trying" for a while with you.

Skip to you telling him to get lost - before long hum drum life takes the fun out of any adult relationship to a degree, and for sure it will be her he begrudges for ruining his (by then in his eyes) amazing marriage/relationship with children/finances etc etc

I honestly have never said lTB before and normally do see both sides and unlike many on here I don't condemn people for being unfaithful as often (get the stones ready) there are 2 sides of a story and lots of reasons people look outside a relationship but quite honestly your husband does sound particularly clueless. I think if you cling on he will leave but if you let him go there is a better chance of keeping him if that is what you decide you do want.

Love pato's stamping on the imaginary cockroach/fag butt!

Following this thread - nothing to add to the great advice given Truly but hoping you find the strength to deal with this entitled twat as he (and you) deserve.

Remember many of the posters above have been where you are now and they are passing on their wisdom and experience. Wish I'd had Mumsnet when my ex did a number on me!

I think if you cling on he will leave but if you let him go there is a better chance of keeping him if that is what you decide you do want.

^

This.

It also gives you head space to properly think things through without his constant presence and manipulation.

It's no way to go - my dad did this, my mum 'won' him back but endured months of sulking and stropping from him for his huge 'sacrifice'.

Then he eventually got over it and got on with things and they were happy.

Except it turned out he had only cheered up because he'd started up the affair again. It went on for 23 years in total with all the related turmoil and misery in their relationship - the constant silent comparison, the permanent sense that he was doing her a favour by staying which in retrospect explained so much of his behaviour.

And when he died we found the naked posed photos of her that he'd hung on to over the years, that showed the extent of his betrayal and the waste of years my mum had spent in a pitiful excuse for a relationship.

Thanks people - you're giving me strength and some determination here.
I am still shocked, and shaky and quite frankly mindfucked - swaying from despair to hope to trying to separate the person I worshipped from this deceitful, hurtful, selfish person who doesn't deserve me.

I am giving serious consideration to asking him to move out whether we work on marriage or not - but I need to be okay with the potential consequences of that.

We cannot know your circumstances OP but I really think it's the best way to go, whatever outcome you hope for.

Good luck Truly - yes you need strength and you will find it here.

Truly Good luck and fingers crossed.

Oh OP, I feel for you. My shit of a 'D'H continued his affair with my 'best friend' AND other women for the 20 years I stayed with him after discovering his affairs, for the sake of our children. Big big BIG mistake. Did my mental and physical health no good at all and my kids have constantly told me I should have kicked him into touch at the beginning. But I didn't - and those days (1970s/80s) it was bloody hard for a wife and mother to go it alone, especially as the shit said he'd make sure, if I left, he wouldn't pay a penny to support my small children and me.

Times have changed, thank God. Your husband wants his cake and to eat it. He's playing you like a good 'un. My advice? Kick him into touch, tell him to eff off out of the house, and get together all the financial stuff, obtain legal advice, confide in family, friends so that you have a load of RL support.

As for the OW - I will be interested to see how this pans out ... when he goes to her, all aparently fancy free, but then she suddenly realises he is FAR from fancy free and comes with kids. As I've posted on other threads, I know (acquaintances) three men who left wives and small kids for OWs, but once OWs experienced the reality of small children spending weekends in the love nest, promptly dumped the lovers, who then went scuttling back to their wives - WHO REFUSED TO TAKE THEM BACK! Sorry - but ha ha, serves the gits right.

Sorry to be so cynical. OP, you may be able to work on the marriage. Frankly, I don't fancy your chances with the prick.

Oh wow Truly, good luck. It's heartening to see the changes in you since the start of this thread. I'm starting to see the strong woman in you.

for you Truly.

Just know, that whatever you decide, we won't judge you. Only one person in this needs that. And we're doing a fine job with him.

Get rid of him. Not tomorrow, not after Easter, not in the next few weeks. Today. Pull whatever strength you have left from wherever you can and kick his miserable, cheating, manipulative arse out. Pack his shit, put it at the front door and tell him you want him gone. Take control. Get in the drivers seat. Even if it's just for a few days to get some clear perspective for yourself - get him out. It doesn't have to be permanent. If you decide you want to make a go of things, that is your choice to make. But it should be a choice you make in your own time, on your own terms, and without the glowing glare of his mobile phone hanging over you every time his bit on the side sends him a message. What you need is space. You need the shock to wear off and you need a healthy injection of, "How fucking DARE he!!!" Get angry, OP! Make a doll and voodoo his ass!

He wants a carefree life with her? Fine. Jog the fuck on pal!

He loves her? Fine. Go love her.

He wants you both? That's not an option!!!

Don't be any mans second choice, Truly. You are worth so much more than that! You and your children deserve to come first - always. Please realise and remember that.

Jesus. I feel like I need a xanex after reading this. I'm so angry for you, OP!

Well done Truly. I think you are going through the totally normal range of emotions. A lot of us can relate to that!

There's a lot of truth in what Yorkie says...

Skip to you telling him to get lost - before long hum drum life takes the fun out of any adult relationship to a degree, and for sure it will be her he begrudges for ruining his (by then in his eyes) amazing marriage/relationship with children/finances etc etc

I really do think that kicking him into touch will give you best result if YOU decide that you want him back or not.

I second VinoTime too. She's scary!!!

I sense you hope he will finish with the OW and come back to you physically if not emotionally but I would tell him to leave anyway. It gives you breathing space. It rams it home to him what he has risked. It lets him know you are not the doormat it appears at the moment perhaps to him. He certainly doesn't respect you .

It might turn out he grows up and decides he does love you after all. I really hope 100% by then you have realised you are worth so much better and refuse to take him back.