Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Fontella... that is an eye-opening post. I really hope that Truly and anybody else whose situation sadly fits, is taking good note of it.

Echoing the others. Excellent post Fontanella, thank you for taking the time to write it, and to dredge up memories that must be hard for you.

I have no doubt that even though Truly seems to have left the thread, she will be reading, and hopefully, the scales will be falling from her eyes.

Anna, compassion and understanding are lacking on his part.
He's the one making a doormat out of her.

Nobody here wants Truly to do their bidding and put up with an impossible situation that is damaging for her mental health and self esteem.

He does, though.

And no marriage can survive if one of the partners lack on compassion and understanding, no matter how much the other has.

Even your ex thought at some point that he was being a doormat as he ended up leaving you. Because his compassion and understanding were abused by you.

I suspect you do not like the advice given by most people on this thread because it shines a light on you and your actions.
Because as you were shagging someone else and then coming out with it, and not knowing for sure what to do, did you at any point think, really think, of your H? Of how much he suffered?

I am bowing out at this point. I think I have some understanding of how Truly feels because my ex partner went through something similar. It took me a long time to see how generous-spirited and kind he was throughout. I don't think he was a 'doormat' at all. I think he was deeply in love with me, and was desperate to salvage our relationship, regardless of what I had done and whom I'd done it with.

I just think overall that it is impossible to see inside someone else's relationship, and that nobody should be judged or told to 'grow a backbone' just for not reacting in the way that you personally think they should.

Real life is far more complicated than that.

Sorry, Lweji - have just read your last one. No, I am not at all feeling that a light is being shone on me or my actions. My actions were cowardly and horrible in their effect, if not in their intent. If I didn't want to highlight them, I would never have posted on here.

At the time, I was completely dazzled by the OM. Nothing else mattered, including my ex's feelings. I was more anxious about being found out than about hurting him. It was selfish to the core, and I take full responsibility for it. And, as I said, I haven't done it again. I can still see the appeal, but the consequences seem too monumentally huge once children are involved.

Anna... who has told the OP to 'grow a backbone'? I didn't see that anywhere.

Nobody is saying that the OP should leave-the-bastard or telling her what to do or compelling her to do anything. But they are saying that she should KNOW what she is up against, know what it is that she is being complicit in and make her decisions based on that rather than panic and fear of losing her husband.

I know that I would find it hard, in the OP's position, having 'reframed' what my husband has done into the best approximation of 'acceptable' that I could, to post here and read the responses that shatter those illusions. I would possibly tell myself they're wrong and that 'I know my husband best'... but somewhere in my head the seeds of truth would be sprouting. The 'harsh' truths here would start to resonate. Then I'd come back to the thread and read it again and see perhaps that my stance has changed somewhat. What I was absolutely sure of was now not quite as certain and then I'd start piecing the situation together for what it actually is, not what I would prefer it to be.

That's the point of posting here really. We could all pat the OP's head and it wouldn't achieve anything except a temporary feeling of 'better' that would be completely obliterated by the next wave of realisation.

Every single person who is posting here is rooting for the OP. The posts will stay here until she's ready to read them and then the continued support will be useful, give her strength because it comes from a place of compassion and, perhaps more importantly, a base of knowledge and experience that none of us wanted but are willing to share to help another woman in distress.

If you don't see that here then yes, go.

Personally, I'd love to see them staying together, but in a situation where Truly is truly loved and respected.
Not being used as a doormat and manipulated to serve his selfish needs.

That she is responding like this is a statement to what a good person she is, who doesn't really expect and know how to deal with the fact that her husband is this man who she doesn't recognise.
It will take time for her to realise what he really is and to detach enough to let go of him.
Her case is not unique. Lots of people who are cheated on initially stay with the cheaters but end up leaving them or being very unhappy, unless the cheaters really change their attitude.

It was Quinteszilla: "There might have been a way back for Truly, and her marriage, had she grown a back bone, and kicked him out."

Thanks, Paddlingduck. Yes, he is in a much happier place now!

And now I am definitely going...

Apologies Anna, I didn't see that. It's not a phrase I like - or use - it jars with me too.

Maybe "stood up fo herself" is a better term.

The truth is though that we never know for certain how yiu would react in this situation.
I was a strong, professional mother if four, coped with a seriousky ill chikd, I'd escaped violence, had cancer and subsequent mastectomy at just 26, I was one of life's percieved strong women who nobody messed with.
So it is still baffling to me that when I found my husband was cheating with an extremely young girl who was friends with out elder boys, I was a total pushover.
After the initial shock and anger I became desperate for life to carry on in the same way, I didn't want to be a divorcee, I didn't want the kids upset, I didn't want to live on one income or struggle for childcare.
So to my continued horror I tried to make it work.
By simpering to his every whim and trying to prove how gorgeous and sexy I was.
Fortunately for me this phase only lasted a week or two and my strong self came back and I booted his arse out.

Like fontella I also had an epiphany, it was when I found myself applying makeup after a tough night shift, to look beautiful when I got home I mean WTAF?

One eye made up, I got in my car and drove home and sent him on his way.

I visited my friend and expressed concern about how I'd cope alone.
My friend went like this and informed me that I had arms and legs so why on earth wouldn't I.
It still makes me laugh now.

Still hoping truly is reading.

Loving that post Ledkr - especially the bit about driving home with one eye made up - like a Ninja panda - to kick his arse out!

I'm still reading, and listening and taking on board all the comments.
I'm okay.
Will update when I'm ready.

Glad to see you are still reading, truly

Take care of yourself. x

good to hear from you Truly , was a bit worried, hope things okay

Glad to see you're still around. I was worried you'd been scared off. Please keep talking.

The worst scenario for me is putting my kids through separation and trauma again

Living a lie, is far worse.

Hi Truly.

Good luck, truly

Hello Truly, glad you're still about and pondering. Thinking takes time- just make sure you have facts to do your thinking ( see a lawyer, for money, house etc) look at updating your cv and start networking on linked in and old co workers, check out childcare for your child, all things like that. You can still do all that and stay til you're ready to leave.

Whatever you decide, short or long term decision to stay, a bit of independence not being so emotionally and financially reliant on your dh won't be a bad thing.

He could share with you all he wants, but you know, you don't have to share back. That's a privilege, to share your thoughts, care only for him during sex (with love) and make plans for yourself. He might not like all that. I suggest he doesn't have a choice:) why wouldn't he want you stronger and able to manage without him?

Glad we haven't put you off truly. The truth is love that so many of us have been where you are and it's easy to offer advice with hindsight.
Lots of good vibes x

Can I also point out that you got a x from anyfucker I've rarely seen the like

Ha !