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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/04/2014 22:12

There is a good trick in the bedroom to keep a marriage alive: not to fuck someone else.

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 22:14

Good tip lweji Grin
Anyway must go, dh needs servicing.

JonesTheSteam · 22/04/2014 22:14

Only1scoop

I eventually told my parents after about a month of thinking I shouldn't.

100â?° support for me, whatever the outcome will be.

But support for DH in a way too. Willing to not villify him and banish him from their home, but to respect that we both wanted to move forward, without sweeping it under the carpet.

You need your family's support OP...

livingzuid · 22/04/2014 22:33

jones I remember your thread well and reading this reminded me so much of your story and how the OP's H was not at all behaving the same way as yours. It is good to hear progress is being made.

Truly I understand the desire to save your marriage and to be empathetic to your H. You're still trying to figure out how the hell all this happened and your role in it all. You don't have a role in this for starters and I am aghast at the fact he openly texts this woman in front of you. If it was a message saying 'take six months pay and don't darken my door ever again' that would be one thing. But it's not. The affair continues and you are inadvertently complicit I'm his behaviour by allowing this to go on.

You deserve so much better don't you think?

Just on the children front - they are much more resilient then we give them credit for. Of course they will be upset but they will also get over it and move on. You can't shelter them from every little thing in life. My father was a serial philanderer and my brother and I were relieved when the marriage ended. Children know when something is up. Don't treat them as if they are ignorant. It will do far more damage in the long run to try and save marriage for the children.

I hope you find some resolution to your awful situation. You sound very nice and well meaning. But don't put this terrible behaviour of your husband's above your own well being. Thanks

clam · 22/04/2014 22:41

Am just Shock Shock Shock at lucylloyd.

Didn't think there were still people around who thought that way.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 22:43

Lucy likes to stir the pot on occasion. Must be a slow night in the Lloyd boudoir this evening.

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 22:46

Is she joking af?

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 22:47

What he/she says is a joke, but whether or not he/she is joking I dunno

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 23:01

I was a tad shocked, it's been a while since I've read that type of remark.
Sort if thing my nan would have said Grin
Dh and I are keeping things fresh, I'm on here and he's reading a book Grin divorce courts are beckoning.

mikulkin · 22/04/2014 23:07

Nobody knows Truly's husband the way she knows him. We only know what he is doing now but we have no idea what kind of husband and father he was before all this happened.
In the ideal world cheaters and any people who do smth bad would be remorseful and realise what they have done straightaway. Some of you experienced that in real life too - good for you! But!
In real life many people who did smth horrible try to justify themselves and while doing so start believing in their own justification. Only Truly can know her husband well enough to see if that is what is happening to him.
I am surprised at how many people are ready to cut all ties and enjoy their dignity and self-respect on their own rather than try to still see smth good in the person they loved even if he behaves horribly now.
Anyway I think when flaming OP here you need to remember that we are here to help her and helping doesn't really constitute giving advice and insist on OP acting on this advice. Let OP do what she thinks is best to do and support her so that she feels comfortable coming back here.
Mildly thanks for support!

mikulkin · 22/04/2014 23:08

Milly I meant, sorry!

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 23:22

I believe that the only thing that we have that is truly our own is our dignity and self respect. I would go a long way to preserve that because it is priceless, and yes it would include putting a self entitled and cruel man like this very firmly in his place (that would be out of my life)

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 23:23

Nobody is "flaming" the OP. Her dickhead husband, yes, because he is not worthy of her.

livingzuid · 22/04/2014 23:25

milk it is the fact that this man is still staying in daily contact with the other woman that has people outraged on the OP's behalf. I don't see any flaming, just genuine upset that someone is being treated so badly.

No matter what you may say about the op being strong to try and save her marriage - which she is of course - the has to be a boundary somewhere between what she accepts as decent behavior and what she does not. Where is the line and when does it end?

Lweji · 22/04/2014 23:33

Clearly, Truly you do not know your husband very well.
He wasn't the man you thought he was, as he has been lying for months.
I do worry about you and the reasons why you want to stay with him.

I worry he is more abusive than he looks at first.
That he insisted on you getting pregnant, so that you became a SAHM and I worry (although you haven't said much about it) that he is keeping finances on his side.
I worry that this came about as you were considering going for PT work, but now it's out the window, as you need to work at your marriage and make time for him. Because he was unhappy.

There are quite a few layers here that make him sound like not quite the person who made a terrible mistake and is now trying to deal with his feelings.
He actually sounds very manipulative, selfish, and possibly abusive.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/04/2014 01:10

It seems to me that Truly40 is playing quite a clever game actually.

Obviously she is devastated and describes herself as a bag of bones.

But she's just as wily as her old man.

She's got him totally over a barrel.

By being nice and apparently understanding of his dual-love-tortured-soul crap (which she knows is crap) she has backed him into a corner.

By not throwing him out, she has played her cards totally right - he will stay.

Then she can fuck him right over with his deceit and shagging-dick for the rest of his life.

There are many women who are as calm, calculating and cold as this. I am starting to laugh out-loud at her deluded husband who thinks he's calling the shots.

He isn't.

I expect, if or when the time comes, the OP will get more than her pound of his flesh from the courts.

Truly sounds as though she has plenty of self-esteem...so much so that she's damned if she's going to let some slut of an OW (who she is curiously lacking in information about) beat her.

MrsThor · 23/04/2014 02:24

I'm sorry but I think the only one who is being clever in this is the husband

It is unthinkable that he is openly contacting the ow....he should have stopped all contact immediately. If he needs time to " think" then he does it on his time and not yours

You need to take control of this situation ie tell him you need to think and you aren't sure you want to be with him as he isn't the husband and father you thought he was. Tell him to book into a hotel somewhere until you decide how you feel

He has risked your kids happiness and security by dipping his dick in the company ink. This could get really nasty for him if the ow decides to claim sexual harassment, particularly when he is the MD...what a fantastic role model he is. You and your kids could lose everything if he is sacked. He apparently doesn't give a shit about any of this

Get angry, take control, look at your children and think about what this selfish man was wiling to put them through so that he could get his end away. Go out and about, meet friends, take an interest in yourself...spend sometime trying life without him

makeyourown · 23/04/2014 02:53

Look, life is complicated. Relationships can be complicated. I know of marriages that have gotten past infidelity, and gone on to be good marriages, so I do think that is possible. But the fact that he is still texting the other woman to say hi, speaks volumes. He is being so disrespectful to you.

Lweji · 23/04/2014 03:37

We've had people here play the long game.
I've played it somewhat when separating.

I don't think Truly is playing the long game. It feels she's desperate to be in control and, mostly, to get her husband back, while finding every shred of excuse for holding on to him.

Playing the long game is getting legal advice as regarding finances now, and taking note of his actions to decide what to do with the marriage.

avoiretre · 23/04/2014 06:33

This man seems to be living the dream. Two women, who know about each other; one 10 years younger, one 20 years younger. What a lad! Albeit a lad in his 50s!

WickedWitchoftheNorthWest · 23/04/2014 06:45

Agreed, Lweji. The long game would come complete with a plan to fuck him over, not just to get him back. See a solicitor at the very least, Truly, while you play your "game".

MerryMarigold · 23/04/2014 06:54

Sadly, truly, I think your best hope now is that he has the courage to see who he is and leave you. I hope he is decent enough for that, but I don't know what this must be doing to your mental health in the meantime. It's the equivalent of a loved one being in a coma on life support. You can't fully grieve, there's still some hope.

SanityClause · 23/04/2014 07:08

What a ghastly way to live, though, UnlikelyAmazon.

saffronwblue · 23/04/2014 07:26

Truly just remember that you gave him an ultimatum which you did not see through. Now you are feeling thAt seductive feeling of sharing in his life again even if it is talking about ow. Why not ask him again to break it off or leave? Or just to leave anyway?

chaseface · 23/04/2014 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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