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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
clam · 22/04/2014 20:26

Mid-life crisis, my arse. Angry

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 20:28

Sometimes you just have to let people do what they have to do.
I booted my cheating h out in a heartbeat but I did stay far to long in a previous violent relationship which is worse.
It certainly sounds as if the husband is doing a number on her but only the op knows the real truth and whether she feels he's genuine or not, it's different facd to face with someone you know intimately than it is just reading about it on here.
I'd say the op should follow her instincts because if he lets her down (which he probably will) at least she's done it her way and has no regrets.

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 20:32

It's Ridiculous to suggest that those of us would have still been married had we viewed our spouses infidelity differently.
I viewed it very clearly, he fancied a different shag, it was available and he moved mountains to take it without me finding out.
He was contaminated and had rubbished any relationship we had making it worthless.
My heart was broken but my dignity and self esteem was still cast iron!

chaseface · 22/04/2014 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 22/04/2014 20:34

Still married here ta muchly Milly.

But then I have a handsome swain whose dick (at least to my knowledge) has only been inside one vagina the past 17 years.

Cos, call me weird, but fucking someone else, would kind of drop me the hint that he had shipped out of the marriage.

MerryMarigold · 22/04/2014 20:37

I just don't see that this guy can abstain from sex for very long. It could be a weird way of getting the thrill and danger back now it is all so out in the open. I give it a week. OP, what will you do if he had sex with her first? Do you think he would tell you? If he does have sex with her and admit it, what will you do? I too am worried that he is grinding you down to accept an open marriage. I think this maybe why his last marriage lasted. He doesn't seem like the monogamy type.

chaseface · 22/04/2014 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 22/04/2014 20:42

Perhaps he has promised Ow he will abstain with Op....

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 20:50

Op, don't for a minute think you can't post if/when he fucks up again, not many "told you so" on mumsnet.
We'll just help you with castrating him your next move.

JonesTheSteam · 22/04/2014 20:57

Posting from the point of view of someone who recently discovered that her husband was having an affair.

Everyone on here is correct. Your DH is being completely unreasonable to carry on contact right under your nose and you are being a martyr to let him.

My DH and I are trying to work things through. The difference being:-

  1. He ended it immediately.
  2. He has not contacted her since.
  3. He didn't minimise what he'd done.
  4. He was truly remorseful.
  5. He left for a few days when I asked him to.
  6. He has not blamed me for one tiny bit of what he's done. He totally accepts that he was a selfish twat who thought he could have his cake and eat it. Like many people beginning an affair he didn't think of the impact of what he was doing. He thought he compartmentalise both things. He knows truly what he stands to lose now. He has totally accepted that it was his issue and totally owned it. He even told his mother. Not easy for him as they never discuss anything. Her disappointment in him was hard for him to take (blue eyed boy).
  7. He arranged counseling for us both. And we are talking more openly and honestly than we have in years.

Yes he's still a bloody idiot, I am a long way from forgiveness and it is so hard. So hard that sometimes I just want to run away from everything. But the way he has behaved since discovery shows me there is hope.

I am less than than three months in. I haven't decided if I'm staying. But I am willing to try because of how he had behaved since. If he hadn't done those things he would be gone...

(

Only1scoop · 22/04/2014 21:01

Jones....I had only just been thinking of your thread a few months ago. The similarities but also the huge differences....on your DH part.

Had been wondering how you were doing. Glad you still working through things.

JonesTheSteam · 22/04/2014 21:07

Thanks only1scoop.

It isn't easy.

Except sometimes it is because of how DH is now.

And then I worry that I'm letting him off easily somehow. And I panic that he'll 'forget' the hurt he's caused me and it will happen again.

And then we argue because I get upset and angry again.

But on the whole I feel there's hope. Thanks for thinking of me!

AnnaMagdalena · 22/04/2014 21:12

This is so hard, OP.

In a former life, before DC, I did exactly as your husband has done - pretty much to the letter.

In the end, ex-OH gave me an ultimatum: either cut off all contact with OM, or he would leave me.

I said I couldn't bear to cut off contact completely - so ex-OH left me.

When it came to it, I was relieved. I think I was being cowardly, really: I think I was too cowardly to tell him it was over, and so I (wrongly) put him in the position where he had to leave me. In retrospect, I should have been honest at the outset, as I knew - even if he didn't - that our relationship was in trouble.

Your situation is obviously far more complicated than mine, as you have DC. But I just wanted to give you a slightly different perspective from the 'dump the bastard' one. It's also hard to get really angry if you're not an angry type person.

It may be that he needs to get this OW out of his system, and that you can rebuild something. But you are the only one who knows whether that is bearable or not (in my current post-DC incarnation, I would like to say that infidelity is a deal-breaker - but I know better than to get on my high horse about this).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2014 21:18

I wish you had been able to tell your parents about all this at the weekend.

Because if I was your mother I hope I would have helped to open your eyes to what this excuse for a man is doing to you.

I know marriages can come back from an affair, but your husband isn't even trying. He is totally having things his way.

Please don't keep letting him call the shots. Put your foot down and tell him how things are going to be. If he argues then he doesn't want to save it, he doesn't want to lose power.
Please stand up to him.

Only1scoop · 22/04/2014 21:20

Jones I'm genuinely so pleased that you think there is hope....if I'm honest I did think and certainly hoped that you could make steps to move forward....

I think I recall some of your steps....confiding in your close friend and eventually a family member and then the counselling....

Blimey I sound like a right stalker Blush

So pleased there is positive stuff going on for you.

Stinkypinky73 · 22/04/2014 21:24

Ah Truly...your latest posts were actually very sad to read. You seemed utterly desperate to hang onto this awful man, right from the title of your thread, and I had a feeling that no matter what, you would hang on in there. You just seemed so desperate to have this man. I don't know why.

You might 'save' this marriage now, but one, two, five, ten, twenty years down the line....will you? Will you want to? When he has screwed you over AGAIN?? For it IS a when, not if - you are married to one sick, cruel man, and this will happen again, for sure. So be prepared. Or get out and live a free life with someone who 'adores' YOU and only you.

clam · 22/04/2014 21:27

So many times I read on here about women who feel they have to try "everything" to save the marriage. And I understand that, except that I don't see the straying husband doing much trying here. And he's the one who's chucked a bomb into the marriage.

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 21:43

clam it's sad but I think they only "try" if they really love you and want the marriage to work, the ones who behave like the ops h really don't love their wives.

alphabook · 22/04/2014 21:47

Same as Jones, I can present an alternative to what Truly and Milly seem to think is the only option.

My husband didn't cheat on me, but he did betray me massively and told me a hell of a lot of lies. The day I found out I told him to leave. This was in the middle of March. He is currently living with his parents and will most likely be for a good few months yet while we rebuild our relationship, and I decide for sure whether I want him to come home.

He knows he fucked up. He is truly remorseful. He is willing to do whatever it takes for me to forgive him, he will wait as long as it takes. I think Truly knows deep down that if he asked her husband to leave while she figures out what she wants, he wouldn't be willing to fight for her. She's still the one fighting for him, rather than the other way around.

Truly, I appreciate it must be hard for your H to give up the OW. But I don't really give a shit about how hard it is for him, and neither should you. He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions, and maybe by cutting off contact completely he might experience even a fraction of the pain and sadness that he's put you through. You have said yourself there was still plenty of affection in your relationship, he didn't do this because he was lonely or you were neglecting him (not that that's even an excuse). He did it because he couldn't be bothered to deal with the responsibilities of real life and some fantasy world with the OW was far more appealing.

I do honestly wonder what has happened to you in your life for you to have such incredibly low self worth. I feel very sad for you.

Lucylloyd13 · 22/04/2014 21:49

How terrible.

Of course your marriage is worth fighting for.

After a whilethings can become a bit stale in the bedroom department, make sure that he knows what he would be missing!

Ledkr · 22/04/2014 21:54

Oh dear lucy are you suggesting a woman has to be performing sexual tricks so a man doesn't cheat in her?
Surely not.

stephgarth · 22/04/2014 21:55

Firstly I'd like to say I feel for you, this is such a difficult situation to be in.
I think your doing the right thing by not kicking him out. No matter what happens from now on he's in your life so it makes sense to heal as much damage as possible.
Its such a hard thing to go through and no one but you knows whats right for you. Trust your gut

I wish you the best in what ever you choose to do

alphabook · 22/04/2014 22:00

Lucy, he has told her "he doesn't want physical contact with either of them while he figures things out".

Translation: if he chooses the OW he can go to her and be proud of himself that he didn't "cheat" on her.

Only1scoop · 22/04/2014 22:04

Great warning there Lucy....don't ever let things go 'stale' in the boudoir....

You'll really have to up your game to win em back....Hmm

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 22:09

I would bet my mortgage that he is still having physical contact with the OW.