Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

I think the problem people here are having OP is that it's one thing to not want to split up. To try and salvage the marriage but for the cheating partner to be prostrate with grief and remorse and working their arse off to show their spouse that they will do anything to change / get counselling / put the situation right and take full responsibility for the situation

And this.

Where he is neither sorry, prepared to change, perpared to give up the OW, take responsibility for his ations, commit to the future of your relationship or basically do anything to earn back and deserve your love and respect.

I think that a lot of MNers find the first version hard enough to swallow but respect a poster's right to try again in the right circumstances. So you can imagine how hard it is to accept this travesty of a marriage salvage operation.

The other thing Truly, in their warped world YOU are the OW. You really do need to step back from this, pack his things up and send him on his way. He is doing nothing to show you he wants to make the marriage work or that you and the DCs mean anything to him.

I know how you feel, I have been in your shoes and the only things that worked was to pack DHs clothes into bin bags and send him to the OW (he'd already been there for a month anyway ) - he finished it within the week and moved into his parents and started counselling.

Please do not let him treat you and the DCs like this. Get angry for your DCS if not for yourself, if you hurt your childrens mother, you are hurting them too .

What AF says re the not sleeping together....

Wouldn't suprise me if he's made OW that promise either.

I've never been in this situation thank God, so can honestly say I don't know how I'd react if this happened in my marriage, perhaps the total opposite to how I think I'd react.

However I honestly think I would and could not tolerate this limbo situation you are in Truly. The fact that he is not even hiding the fact that he is still in contact with the ow in any form at all is absolutely not acceptable! I would be at the end my tether!! I mean you must be just sick worrying all the time, you can't live like that, you deserve better you need to believe that. Have you thought about going to talk to a counsellor to get your thoughts straight? Might help you to just unload on someone in RL and tell everything? Sounds like you only gave a vague version of what's actually going on to the family or did I pick that up wrong?

Get a boyfriend .

Truly I admire you for what you do.
Don't listen to suggestions here - you can always throw him out but there will be no way back.
You are trying to save your family and to get back your husband, the man you knew and loved not this strange confused man who is going through mid-life crisis in my opinion.
Even if it doesn't work out at least you will know you have done everything you could. Also one of the possible scenarios could be that he chooses to stay with you and children but you decide to leave him. Again then the decision will be made after a lot of thinking and you will know the decision is the right one.
I am sure it hurts to see that he is still texting her but then again, sometimes you need to hurt to make right decision.
Don't rush into anything - this is your and your family's life we are talking about!

Op, why are you putting up with all this crap and not kicking him out? You deserve so much better. He is most likely to carry on his affair anyway regardless. Cannot believe you would still want him after what he has put you through.

Duly do you have friends you can talk to in real life about what you're going through? It sounds like you're in so much pain and you don't deserve a bit of what he's putting you through. It must be torture knowing he's with her today... I only hope this is resolved quickly now and he stops dragging out the pain.

Sorry Truly autocorrect strikes again.

If she asks him to leave there will be 'no way back'....?

I actually think the complete headspace could give Op the time she needs to properly evaluate the situation....I don't actually believe this can be done whilst pottering on as normal....

If he runs straight to Ow then she knows where his feelings have been and still are.

If it was my husband, don't think I could bear him to ever touch me again. Just reading about your H op, makes my skin crawl. Sorry.

He can say good morning & good night to OW at the beginning and end of the working day. Why does he need to contact her when he wakes up and again last thing at night?

He must be feeling really smug with himself.

Mikulkin writes

Truly I admire you for what you do. Don't listen to suggestions here - you can always throw him out but there will be no way back.

Not true. It will show him what he has to lose, but more importantly will give the OP time and space to think clearly.

You are trying to save your family

Her family does not need saving. Loving families and children cared for by adults come in many different forms.

...and to get back your husband, the man you knew and loved not this strange confused man who is going through mid-life crisis in my opinion.

This is not a competition, he is not a prize. This is the man she knows and loves, it's just a side she hasn't been aware of before.

Even if it doesn't work out at least you will know you have done everything you could.

Everything she could for what? Maintaining her dignity and self-respect? Modelling to her children how they should behave in an adult relationship?

Also one of the possible scenarios could be that he chooses to stay with you and children but you decide to leave him. Again then the decision will be made after a lot of thinking and you will know the decision is the right one.

Agreed.

I am sure it hurts to see that he is still texting her but then again, sometimes you need to hurt to make right decision.

Do you? Sometimes you have to let other people hurt you whilst they take their time to make a decision?

Don't rush into anything - this is your and your family's life we are talking about!

Agreed, these are big decisions, but they shouldn't be pondered over to the detriment of her health and happiness.

The advice that you are being given on here isn't motivated by posters wanting you to throw your marriage away. Unfortunately, many on this thread have been through the same thing and know that a marriage can only survive if the partner who has had an affair stops contact with the OW/OM and does everything that their partner needs them to do to rebuild the relationship (moves out temporarily, answers all questions honestly, understands that it will take time to rebuild trust etc.). Your DH isn't doing this, OP. He is not sorry enough.

Mikulkin you are very brave and I totally agree with you. Affairs are a symptom of problems within a marriage. There are usually problems that have not been addressed but go unnoticed. Some people accept that although they are not responsible for an affair, they are responsible for their part in the breakdown of the relationship. So it is a very strong woman to see where she is culpable and decide to try and repair things because she feels their marriage is worth saving.
Sometimes I think that mumsnetters don't want to see people do the grown up thing and try and work on a marriage that has been blown apart by affairs. They happen a lot. Its easy to say you would never stay with someone who has an affair but until it happens, you just don't know.

Maybe some of you would still be in your marriages if you had tried to see things differently and taken different advice.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. This man is the lowest of the low and he has you eating out of his hand
He is really not worth it.

Nonsense Milly. Nothing to rebuild if the person having the affair chooses not to end it. Nothing but heartache and destroyed self confidence.

Affairs are a symptom of problems within a person IMO.

if there is a problem in a marriage, it is a choice whether to try and address it before seeking sex outside of it.

therein lies the difference between someone who gives him/herself permission to do that, or not

Milly, what you are saying might make some sense if he was committed to saving the marriage.
He's not, his actions show that he's committed to keeping the status quo with his front of a family, while shagging his PA with his wife's permission.
Or make sure she is under his foot and praying he doesn't leave, while bending herself backward to keep him around.

Personally, if my husband was texting his OW in front of me every morning, either him or the phone would be flying through the window.

The advice that you are being given on here isn't motivated by posters wanting you to throw your marriage away.

He threw the marriage away. He is shredding it to bits.

I disagree Milly

Affairs are a symptom of problems within a marriage.

Affairs are one person's choice of how to behave, irrespective of problems in their marriage or otherwise.

Sometimes I think that mumsnetters don't want to see people do the grown up thing and try and work on a marriage that has been blown apart by affairs.

No, mumsnetters want the person to stay safe - emotionally, financially, physically safe. One of the best ways, in my opinion, of saving a relationship is to make the cheat step out of the family home.

Its easy to say you would never stay with someone who has an affair but until it happens, you just don't know.

What makes you think we haven't been through this ourselves?

I agree.... not posters wanting you to end your marriage at all....but some are encouraging you to take time out from him....for YOU Truly ....to gain clarity on the situation.

I look hypothetically at myself being the perpetrator of this affair....as myself a woman. Informing my DH and (perhaps) my OM that I will not be sleeping with either of them until I have really decided ...who is worthy of me.

The vision is not a pretty one.... Self accredited power of that kind is disingenuous and cruel.

Maybe you can get through this....I hope so, as at the moment this is what you want....maybe with some time away from him you can really decide the way forward.

And Milly yes may have still been in marriage if I'd have jumped through hoops and thought 'let it be me' and remained such a trooper....listened to different advice....

I love the diversity of Mumsnet....

I love the honesty of these virtual strangers....

IME RL honesty and respect are deal breakers in most relationships. Op still sounds as if she has a great deal of respect for her DH....maybe things can get back on track....

"Maybe some of you would still be in your marriages if you had tried to see things differently and taken different advice."

Depends if you view as a prize, staying in a marriage with a cheating shit who can't keep his dick in his trousers. Perhaps some of the posters on here are extremely glad, with the passage of time, that they got rid of their cheating partner.

And this case is further compounded by the arrogance and disdain the OP's H is showing her now. I mean, ffs, texting the OW goodmorning/night each day? He's taking the piss, big time.