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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2014 15:17

He's told OW that he's taking a step back to sort himself out, just texting 'good morning / goodnight'

I'm at a real loss here. WTF is this shit!???
He cuts contact and that's that.
You really have been played.
Can you complete the 'Freedom Programme' on line, please!!!
You need to realise you are worth more than this pile of shite you are putting up with. It will help with your self esteem and confidence and get you to see red flags and avoid them.
This is man is one big fat red flag.

I'm raging for you - honestly. Angry

badbaldingballerina123 · 22/04/2014 15:17

He will be absolutely revelling in all this attention he's getting. Cheaters remind me of obnoxious rebellious teenagers who deliberately do stupid stuff so you'll go mad at them.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/04/2014 15:18

What a truly awful situation for you, BUT I agree with other posters who have stated that YOU must ask him to leave. Get some control back because this guy has absolutely no respect for you - in his eyes you (and the OW) are utterly desperate. His ego must be humongous. I understand how hard it is, i really do, but I think it's the only very small chance you've got. If it carries on like this it is going to be a very long and painful death.
It's a terrible situation. Good luck.

Only1scoop · 22/04/2014 15:19

He's certainly not popping all his eggs in one basket is he....

He has the luxuary of keeping both his ladies 'waiting in the wings' whilst he makes his choices from that revolving pedestal....

He must feel so important ....

And you sound way to intelligent Op to think its "Goodmorning Assistant" and nothing more.

Good luck Op You must be an amazingly strong individual....

IrianofWay · 22/04/2014 15:24

" It would be stupid to think that he can stop having feelings for someone because I tell him to stop. if I did that assuming that we could work at our marriage, he probably would carry on seeing her in secret, or continue having unresolved feelings for her. "

Yes it would be stupid to think he can stop having feelings for her. But it would be perfectly reasonable for him to stop seeing her, stop letting her beleive there is a future and stop indulging and feeding those feelings by not being decisive.

yorkierocks123 · 22/04/2014 15:24

Look Truly nobody else has to live your life and you definitely do not have to justify what you do to any of us.

I do think given his feelings he is unlikely to stop things with this other woman despite what he says - it is true that people really cannot help how they feel (possibly can help what they do but ….)

Realistically do you feel that you can live with him seeing this or other women - not saying you condone his behaviour but probably that is the sum total of what you can expect now.

I am not judging you, if that is what you want to do, despite other people saying how could you stand for that - but could you?

If you think you could then relax into your new reality and enjoy the parts of your life that do benefit from being with this man - your lifestyle, your friendship with him or whatever. Just because other people would find that intolerable doesn't mean you would.

It doesn't sound to me like he necessarily does want to leave you - but nor does he sound for one minute like he wants to give up OW.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 15:27

OP, have you read the cake theory ?

Brucietheshark · 22/04/2014 15:29

What a waste of time. 5 mins in her company and he'll be right back where he was 10 days ago. And then he'll go UNLESS he can keep you dangling for another few months/years.

Texting her good morning and good night??? He would have needed that phone surgically removed by a proctologist if it were me.

UptheChimney · 22/04/2014 15:31

It would be stupid to think that he can stop having feelings for someone because I tell him to stop

But he expected you to stop having feelings for him when he told you he wanted to stop his marriage.

yorkierocks123 · 22/04/2014 15:31

and also in answer to your original question "can a marriage survive a passionate affair" well yes it can if the wife chooses to tolerate it and not rock the boat. Your marriage and his affair can both go on for years.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 22/04/2014 15:34

I don't think he'll go.

Company director, with a SAHM with kids. Nah, he's done the £££s sums.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 15:42

a SAHM with kids who will overlook his little pecadilloes

his cock must be studded with diamonds

noddyholder · 22/04/2014 16:04

Good lord he is making an arse of you and he is supposed to love you

BettySwolloxs · 22/04/2014 16:06

Have you been getting marriage advice from Andrew Marshall by any chance?!

Lweji · 22/04/2014 16:20

I very much doubt he has any feelings for her. I do think it's only an excuse to keep her as his mistress and make you feel empathy for him at the same time.

As pointed out earlier it's only about cake.

If he was convinced he loved her, he'd have left by now.

And no matter how open you are and he seems to be, he will still lie as much as he can. He will only tell you and let you see whatever is convenient for him.

At this stage, he's probably telling her he has to stay because you are a bitch and are threatening with not letting him see the children, or something like that.

At the same time it's all very much in the open and he can do whatever he pleases.

Your reaction is common to many women in similar circumstances, but, seriously, don't be daft.

You can't control this and you have as much lack of control as someone in a DV relationship. The only way to control it is by leaving him.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 16:27

I've just read your 14:23 post again OP

I see he's still deciding what he's going to do. So you sit back, smiling beatifically, while he choses between you and the OW. Yet you still feel that you are the one calling the shots?

Really? Wake up and smell the bullshit OP!

Iwanttobeflibbertyjibbetagain · 22/04/2014 16:30

I've had to do a new mumsnet registration after repeated failures of the password re set thingy.

But.

Remember that for every lie he told you in the past before 'revelation', he will have told the OW a lie. He is now well practised at getting you both to believe whatever comes out of his mouth.

Of course you got on over the weekend. he had to be on his best behaviour for the parents. They've been told you are having some problems so have given you space.

He is still texting her morning and night on days when he is not in work? What a collosal ego he must have that he can do this in front of you and you are accepting of it.

You aren't fighting for him, you have rolled over and let him walk all over you.

The big flag for me is that he's apparently decided that he will not have physical contact with either of you until he sorts himself out. So that's you told that he is not sleeping with YOU. For all you know he will be shagging OW in the stationery cupboard today.

I suspect what he told ow is something like this 'I have to lay low for the bank holidays as the inlaws are staying and I can't get out of it. If I walk out now there will be all hell to pay. So I'm having to martyr myself for the sake of my children, put up with the boring stay at home wifey but I've told her that our marriage is over.

He's also probably told her ages ago that you and he don't sleep together any more anyway.

Any 'step back' he is taking is their 'lying low' until he gets you ground down to accept it carrying on.

Rebecca2014 · 22/04/2014 16:38

Wow, that is all I can say. He should be fighting for you, not the other way round but whatever floats your boat. Fighting for an ageing, wannabe Casanova just seems really sad to me but it is your life.

myitchybeaver · 22/04/2014 16:40

I've just read the whole thread. This man is a fucking sociopath genius. He is a master manipulator. If a girlfriend of yours told you this story you would be OUTRAGED on her behalf. This man is a very clever monster. I usually find these threads a bit hysterical but this man's behaviour is chilling.

Get out please. Stop listening and believing him please.

This is NOT honesty it is CRUELTY.

wannaBe · 22/04/2014 16:40

op so he is hedging his bets by keeping you both waiting for him to make a decision? He may indeed have told the ow that he needs to take a step back to sort his feelings out and decide what it is he really wants. But in the meantime the two of you are hoping that he comes back to you soon, and feeling happy that you are having open and honest conversations, because he will be having open and honest and emotional conversations with her too.

And in the meantime he has taken control away from both of you because he is the one who gets to decide where it is he wants to go.

And reality is that if he tells you it's you he wants to be with, you can never be sure whether that's because he actually wants to be with you or whether it's because the ow has in fact decided that she's not prepared to be played and has told him that he can stick his affair and go back to his wife, because that is just as much of a possibility....

You can't control whether he has feelings for someone else. You can't control whether he acts on those feelings and continues with the affair. You can't control whether he comes back to you. But you can control whether you put up with being second best and treated in this way.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 22/04/2014 16:42

And I repeat:

How the feck is this going to work out when he is, if I have understood correctly her boss?

He can't sack her. He can't presumably leave his own company.

How exactly is this distancing going to work?

Exactly......it's not, is it?

countingto10 · 22/04/2014 16:51

Tbh if he is the md of the company, he could take legal advice, find out how much it is going to cost to get rid of ow ie how much she is likely to receive in a constructive dismissal case and pay the OW off. But he won't do that because he "utterly adores her".

If he was seriously about your marriage Truly, he would be doing this to show you how much your marriage and family meant to him.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/04/2014 17:00

What counting says.

Shame it's too late now, but I think you should have made an announcement to the parents about their wonderful son/son-inlaw over Easter - he deserved no less.

clam · 22/04/2014 17:23

Er, hang on, here's an idea: how about he DOESN'T phone her a fucking 'Good morning/good night' text!!!!!

Seriously??????

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 17:24

OP, I am afraid to say you need to be prepared for the fact that he isn't currently sleeping with you because he would consider that to be an act of unfaithfulness towards the OW.