Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Just want to let you know I'm doing okay.
Parents know there are some problems - so being supportive with kids, and giving me some space.
Discussions with DH are calmer, more rational, both being honest and open about the ups and downs of just getting through the day.
My decision to stand back, not talk about major stuff this weekend - just to get through it with family and children around - is strangely enjoyable.
it's helping me manage the unbearable stress and anxiety of the last week. Also, being aware that there is way bigger stuff going on in the world than this is good for maintaining some perspective.
Unexpectedly, it's giving time for DH to make some major realisations too - that he didn't stop loving me, that he has made a massive mess of our lives, that infatuation with OW means very little in actually making it work in RL, and that he may need to change his employment to repair all the damage he's causing.
No idea what will happen - but the difference is that I know i'll be able to deal with whatever comes.

Truly I am pleased you are feeling calmer and more supported. Of course you will be able to deal with whatever comes. Remember that you have control here - it is not about what he decides to do, it is about whether you could ever trust him again and whether he deserves to be part of the family.

Truly glad you ok....very busy I would imagine with your dc and family visiting. Glad you able to enjoy Easter....

Thinking of you

You sound much stronger today Truly, which is great to read. I agree with Saffron - never forget that you are in control. If you want him to leave while you decide what you want then he should be agreeing in a heartbeat if he truly wants you to forgive him.

How did the rest of the weekend go Truly ?

Well, that's fine and dandy when he's spending a long weekend with you, the kids and the parents.

And I imagine, not because of any major revelation he has had. But the sheer terror he felt that at any moment you could have told the parents what a lying, cheating scumbag their son is.

is OP. Remember that. Because so far, all that has happened, is that he hasn't been to the OW for - how many days?

Let's see if he still wants to make his marriage work when he's back with her this week at work.

I don't want to burst your bubble here. Truly. And I really hope that this man you have told us about has had a personality transplant over the last 3 days. But I doubt it.

Let's see this week how many times he works late/spends a while in the bathroom with his phone etc etc.

Cynical, moi? Absolutely.

Glad you had a bit of a breather, Truly. Now time to get in the driving seat of this situation. Boundaries etc. Please do not accept that he can have you both, or string this all out for longer than necessary.

Truly how you doing?

The Easter weekend was quite surreal.
We stuck to our pact of putting the difficult stuff to the side, supporting each other through all the different family visits - by doing normal stuff, clearing the garage, sneaking away for a cigarette, walking to the shop. And we had a day out yesterday with our parents, no kids.
And the strange thing was we actually enjoyed each other's company, had some fun, got very sentimental about good times, and had moments of real closeness. He was gentle, attentive, genuine. It also resulted in a lot more openness in talking - DH had gotten so caught up in small frustrations with me, and growing feelings for OW, that he painted this far worse picture of our life together.
He feels he has gotten himself, and us, into a huge mess. He's told OW that he's taking a step back to sort himself out, just texting 'good morning / goodnight' but no declarations of love. The absolute openness in discussing her takes the infatuation and thrill out of the affair. I've made it clear it would be unbearable for him to see her on any other basis at the moment other than work, or to tell her what he is going to decide to do. He agrees that abstaining from any physical contact with both her and I is the only way to start getting a clear understanding of where his head is at.
He said on the weekend that he now struggles to see what was so bad in our relationship that made him want to leave - but that as the affair grew, the idea of life with her just seemed "better". It hurts, but I can understand it.
We both feel we've made a huge step forward over the weekend - but just not quite sure to where that step will take us.
We need time to think about events over the weekend, and he also has to tell OW about those changes, and we'll talk over those two areas this evening.
So after what turned out to be an okay weekend, with really tender, hopeful moments - I'm back in the pit of anxiety and stressful minute-by-minute existence.
But I'm just trying to hold onto the fact that we're in a much better place than 1 week ago, and if we're going to save our marriage it's going to take a long time.

We've agreed that whether we stay together or not, there can be no more deceit.

And this does not mean i've forgiven an affair, or just forget about it - it means there may be a way forward to either save our marriage or not with both of us discussing, considering and making those decisions in an adult, rational way.

Although i don't like the sound of your DH I do admire his manipulation techniques and amazing cheek. Does he work in sales/finance have you read the book the psychopath test I think he might tick a few boxes?

If you felt calm and OK about this I would say go along with it but because you feel anxiety and stress I think you are really back to square one with a deceitful liar living in your house and basically getting away with it.

But I hope that he is being as honest as you believe he is and that it works out as you want it to. Thanks for updating us though because I have been wondering if you are OK.

The way you say you've agreed there can be no more deceit kind of implies that this wasn't part of the deal before you found out about OW. I would have thought that should should be an implicit part of marriage.

Oh he is brilliant isn't he?

He ought to run masterclasses on how to grind the little woman down to the point where she even sounds happy that he is STILL texting the woman he is fucking IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE because he's doing it with her full knowledge so that makes it OK. He's agreed there is to be no more deceit because he's texting her in front of you, so in his warped mind, he is respecting that promise.

How are you going to feel when he comes home and says he fucked her behind the filing cabinets? He's still keeping his side of the bargain, by not deceiving you.

You are not in a better place than you were last week. All you've done is hand him the cake with a cherry on the top with your submissive attitude to him.

He "needed" to end it with the OW last week. He didn't.

He won't.

You will never have a moment's peace again with this despicable and vile abusive man. He must be aching from laughing at you. Can you imagine the incredulity on the OW's part? When he tells her how, frankly, pathetic and grateful you are being?

I am so angry on your behalf. But I'm starting to be angry at you as well, for allowing this to happen. You aren't just enabling him, you're virtually inviting him to walk all over you.

I have done now. I hope you see my post as being cruel to be kind, but I doubt it.

No-one is going to convince you that this absolute shit of a human being is anything other than your knight in shining armour who has (for this week, this day, this hour) chosen not to leave you for the woman he has been fucking for god know's how long.

It's easy for him, though Truly he has two women hanging on his decision. No wonder he's been good company. Anyone would be chuffed at that if they were selfish twonks--

OMG Truly. You really have been played a crap hand and husband. "Only" texting the woman he wants to fuck good morning an good night. "Stepping back"? I am so sorry you feel so worthless that you are accepting all this.

What is SO special about him that you are allowing him to shit all over you and your children's lives?

He has played a blinder.

I am gobsmacked. I really am OP. He has got you stitched up like a kipper

and you seem so grateful to have 5 nostalgic minutes - and all the time he is texting her good morning, etc. Blimey - I have no words but I am so sorry your self esteem is so very low. :(

Drank - I'm fully expecting responses similar to yours - exasperated that I haven't just thrown him out, demanding the affair must stop 'NOW'.

DH has not spent any time with OW since the revelation, because he's been making a point of being home early to discuss the situation. It would be stupid to think that he can stop having feelings for someone because I tell him to stop. if I did that assuming that we could work at our marriage, he probably would carry on seeing her in secret, or continue having unresolved feelings for her.

Stepping back, talking and trying to understand the situation and the impact of any decision to be made does not seem that stupid or naive an approach to me. And I don't see it as handing control to DH - i'm the one who actually proposed handling it this way.

I'll decide day by day, week by week whether I'm in a better or worse place than where we started from, and what's best for me and my children and family.

He's good, you can't blame the OP. She's falling for the same techniques that undoubtedly his very senior successful clients have fallen for as well, whatever his job is. OP that's why we recommended space, so he can't mess with your head.

He's told OW that he's taking a step back to sort himself out, just texting 'good morning / goodnight' but no declarations of love

Well that's alright then.

I stand by my original post OP. You've been done up like a kipper and you seem to be falling for all his shit. It's all about him and what he wants. Sad.

I too am gobsmacked. Like Yorkie I have to admit he really is very good at being an absolute selfish shit.

I can't help but feel bad for you truly and the thought of them laughing at you behind your back just makes me feel sick.

"DH has not spent any time with OW since the revelation, because he's been making a point of being home early to discuss the situation"

Has she not been at work then since The Revelation?

The only way this would ever work is if he truely understood the devastation he has caused.

He is keeping the ow sweet to keep his options open until he decides what to do for himself. Do you not see that?

Quite often cheaters don't want to leave. The ideal is to have both , a wife and a girlfriend. Some professionals say that cheating is born out of resentment and a loss of respect for the betrayed. I think you are misinterpreting his blatant talk about ow for openness , I'm afraid I think it's just total lack of respect for you. In my experience , once it's got to the point of open discussion about the other person like this , it's finished. All respect for you is gone. It won't come back while you allow the situation to continue. I think your heading for him to have a open marriage.

Not to be unkind Op , nobody likes a sap. It's definitely not attractive to either gender. Ow , by her actions and character has got balls like an elephant. You have to appear to have the biggest balls out of all three of you to resolve this.

Drank - I'm fully expecting responses similar to yours - exasperated that I haven't just thrown him out, demanding the affair must stop 'NOW'

You know, that's not what people are getting at really. They're exasperated that you're allowing yourself to be treated so, so badly. It's not so much a case of you demanding that the affair stops and stops now, so much as you setting far higher standards of how you are treated and demanding that these two people aren't able to continue taking you for a fool.

What happened to you that you are accepting this behaviour?