Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Truly there is no "game" here. There is nothing to "win" except your self-respect and your children's future happiness, and neither of those things are achievable by you rolling over and enabling this selfish prick's ego trip.

Please, please, please open your eyes and see that the only way you can avoid either an unceremonious dumping when the families have gone, or worse still a lifetime of wondering where he is and who he's with and is he balls-deep inside her yet, while your children grow up thinking this is an acceptable pattern for relationships, is to take back control of your life NOW and kick this selfish, egotistical, disrespectful user to the kerb.

He is no father to your child. For a quarter of your little one's life he has been choosing to stick his cock into another woman without any thought to the consequences for all of you.

You know what I think? I think you feel embarrassed and guilty that you've brought your older children into what has turned out to be another defective relationship. I think you feel that you have to martyr yourself on the rock of your H's infidelity in some misguided attempt to "make it up to them". But this is not of your making. You thought you'd met a decent man, nothing wrong in that. It's not your fault he has turned out to be a cheating manipulative egotist.

Please go back through the thread and read the testimony of all those PPs whose parents stayed together "for the sake of the children" and see the damage that has caused. Can you risk doing that to your children for a man who thinks so little of you all? Is he worth sacrificing your babies for?

This thread makes me so sad, and so angry.

You asked at one point what would you say to the children? I think it has to be age appropriate but it's the truth. His 19yo obviously hears that dad has been having an affair. The younger ones can have a version of that or that he has hurt your feelings and needs to take some time out because it's not ok to do that to people. But he tells them. His mess, he deals with the consequences. I'm sure you'd ensure your children apologised to a friend they'd hurt somehow, why does this so called adult get any different.

I agree that separation doesn't have to mean the end. In fact I think it's the only way you stand a chance of there being a future for you together.

I think you are so reluctant because you know deep down if you find the courage to kick him out its because you've seen him clearly at last, and that does spell the end for your marriage, and that's scary. Please don't feel you've failed. He's a twat, that's not your fault. But letting him stay being a twat to you would be.

UpTheChimney- I remember the music teacher one. :-(

I've been trying to think who your latest post reminds me of OP, and it's come to me. I read a trashy book, years ago, where the man, older then the woman, fell in love with another even younger woman. The wife "played him at his own game" and "refused" to let him divorce her and leave the children because it would "bring shame" on him and his career.

That's what your last post sounded like. Like you're in a trashy airport novel.

You're not. This is your life.

Also agree with pp, that maybe, just maybe, kicking him out and sending him to her with a bow on, will make him realise what he's giving up. And you could then, but only then, sit and talk and make a go of it. (and hopefully, in his absence, you can really sit and think and get some true sense of who you are back)

I met a woman on holiday once who was "playing her ex" by not getting divorced abs generally obsessing over him and ow.
Two weeks in a beautiful Turkish five star resort she went in about him, very bitter in front of her child too.
I went to visit her after and we spent the whole weekend talking about him as she agonised about it all and retold her tales of revenge and awkwardness.
She refused to let him see the child so cafcas had to be involved.
Eventually I told her straight. You are not the only one this has happened to (me included) but you have to move on from the bitterness and anger or your daughter will be affected badly.
That child is now 13 and the most messed up little girl I know.
How you act now op will effect the rest of your lives.

I can't understand why you are still entertaining this man.

Games?
You may think you're playing him at his own game, you're not, by allowing him to stay you are giving him carte blanche to carry on treating you like dirt.

The only one playing is him, he's playing you like a fiddle.

I sincerely hope this weekend isn't too awkward and that you get the resolve to do the right thing.

He doesn't deserve you, you are far too nice to be treated this way.

By 'playing him at his own game' you're basically going to entertain his family and (presumably) do all the running round cooking etc while he carries on his affair.

If I were you I would use Easter to tell his parents all about it. He's relying on you not rocking the boat to do exactly what he wants.

You gave him a deadline and an ultimatum- he had to end his affair or leave. He's refused on both counts and you've accepted it. It basically means that you've given him carte Blanche to be looked after at home by you and shag his secretary at work.
You realise he's going to stall for as long as possible- you're not playing him he's playing you.

OP you said you are already a bag of bones.
Stress brings on illnesses.
Looking back I can honestly say that over 2 years of depression and loss of hair was wgat infidelity of my ex cost me.

You have 3 kids to look after.
If you don't act you are also likely to suffer further physical side effects.
You know you can't afford to!

Please talk to someone in RL about your situation and act with your and your kids best interest in mind.
Don't try to protest your or his parents from this news. Pretending all is OK is going to cripple your mental and physical health.

Truly, if you are not yet ready to do anything else to change things, please tell your parents and his parents the truth about his affair and how he is behaving towards you. Please let them support you.

Don't dignify his cruelty and selfishness by calling it a game and attempting to play him at it. His game is to maximise the benefits he can wring out of the marriage while he gets everything set up with OW . By distracting you with gameplay and the pick me competition, he has ensured that you are not taking the financial and legal precautions you need. All the time you're sharing in his OW adoration society is time not spent with solicitors and the bank.

Truly can you clarify which kids it is that are stopping him? You and him only have one child, right? Surely he is not leaving behind his older children with you? He will take them with him, to the OW?

Is he stalling because he knows that the OW will not want his kids? Or maybe he does not want his kids?

Much better to let you care for them, while he shags her.

This is what you are playing into, with you "games". You are going to manouver yourself into a position where you are looking after all the kids, as a single mum, while he is gallivanting away to another childfree woman.

Quint the 20 year old is his child, the 2 middle DCs are Ops kids, the 2 year old is his with Op.

Ah ok thanks.

firstly, you shouldn't have to fight for him. He married you and part of those vows was to remain faithful. and secondly, he would not go to the ends of the earth to fight for you or he would not have risked your relationship by shagging someone else. He is lieing and I hope that after you have done the easter family thing that you start to see straight. And start taking steps to protect yourself financially.

Eff the family Easter thing.

Exactly! Show him and his parents the door and have your parents support you through this. He is no prize to be fought over, he prefers someone else. Please start getting mad and wake up to how he is treating you.

I just don't understand why you would want to provide free housekeeping, catering and entertaining services to this scum bucket of a man when as soon as his parents leave he will head off with this ow. I would imagine she can't be arsed to do all that work for him so he figures he'll get you to do it just before he leaves you. He's horrible and please wake up and don't let him use you like this!

It is going to be so much easier for him to tell his parents he has left you from a distance than it would be for him to do it now when they are planning on visiting. Why on earth make this so easy for him??

Let him and his mistress entertain his parents.

I've just caught up on this and I feel sick for you OP.

I agree with Pagwatch that you are just trying to put a positive spin on things as you can't confront him. This really is so telling and shows just how far he has ground you down. I can't imagine for one second knowing my DH was texting the OW that he adores so much, whilst in the same house, after he's been pouring his heart out to me about how much he cares for her.
Why isn't your anger so great that you went straight in there and told him to leave (you can still be angry and calm!)

How can you be in the same house when you know he's spent months falling in love with someone else and then coming home and looking at you with reducing respect each time?
So whilst you are running around looking after his the children and keeping down the house, he is looking down at you. He was still having sex with you, even though his heart was elsewhere and he was looking at you with pity? Yet you still aren't angry enough to demand that respect back?

Respect seems to be the key here and he's using it like a carrot. He told you he'd lost respect for you as a SAHM but then awarded you a little back when you took his affair so well and kept calm like an understanding wife should. He's controlling you with this and basically treating you like a child (I don't want to say dog) with little rewards for good behaviour. You current reward is that you are still in the running. However a time extension is still required as he hasn't quite made up his mind.

Yes, I've read posts here where couples have come back from an affair but the absolute minimum is for the cheat to at least claim their undying love for their wife. He's not even doing that. Instead, you get another tap on the head for being a good wife and understanding that at least he's being honest with how much he loves the OW.

I know you feel like you've claimed some power back and you've started to tell him your demands for a relationship. However your actions have shown your hand and told him that you were just calling his bluff as he's still there. You gave him a deadline and he didn't do it. Again, he doesn't even respect your boundaries. He's not even pretending you are slightly in the driving seat.

I know it's heartbreaking but surely you can see, when he tells the OW he's might not be able to leave because of the children, that really is what it keeping him. It's not you. Any respect he's let you believe you've earned back isn't genuine. In his eyes, he still has all the power. He's pulling all the strings.

Cut the strings. There have been posters on here who have told of their cheating fathers and how they wished their mother had left. Why do you believe you have to try for the children? You've been trying, for all of your relationship. Your OH hasn't tried. He fell for the OW and then made up a story in his mind about your failings to justify it. Your flaws appeared to him after as you were no longer the object of his lust.

Please please forget his feelings in your decision making. Forget how he's poured his heart out-that's manipulation. He had plenty of time to do that before shagging his assistant! Be strong OP. Be the woman he fell for and then walk away and show him what he's lost. The woman he fell for wouldn't take this crap. He's changed you to keep you down!

"I've read posts here where couples have come back from an affair but the absolute minimum is for the cheat to at least claim their undying love for their wife. He's not even doing that."

Yes. Exactly. He says he'd have gone to the ends of the earth to save your relationship if you'd had an affair but funnily enough he's not prepared to go to the ends of the earth to save your relationship when he's had an affair.

That's some logic isn't it. He's not prepared to do anything to save his marriage. He's actually demanding that you do it all. Which is basically him saying that he's not that bovvered if it ends or not. Which is rubbing your nose in shit and you're pretending you can't smell it because that's less frightening and less painful in the short term, than wiping it up and throwing it right back at him. In the long term though, it will destroy your sense of self-respect and it will damage your children.

Fuck easter and chuck him out! Wanker.

I feel so sad at this rotten man trying to have his cake and eat it, and even worse he is blaming you

Show him who is boss. Don't let him shit on you

Im in a similar situation as you. A week in some things that have helped me:

1. Tell everyone. Parents , children ( age appropriate way) friends. I know u dont want to upset your lufe more than it already is but you'll get support and most people will suprise you with how lovely they are. It doesnt matter they will think ill of H. Honestly fuck him. This was all his choice.
2. Kick him out whilst you decide what to do. You need space. If he goes to OW then your descision becomes easier.
3. Look after yourself and that includes sti check(it was grim but necessary) and legal advice.

Big unmumsnetty hugs. You dont deserve this shit

I hope everything is going OK, OP. come back and update us

The OP said she'd update after Easter weekend... It's only Saturday. :)

Have been thinking of you lots this weekend, truly, and hoping your Mum or Dad managed to get some time with you and winkle the truth out.