Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

I really don't understand what the OP means. I can't work out what she thinks playing games will achieve.

Pag, I think it's both, but I think she sounds like a bit of a wreck right now :-( It's nearly a week of living like this.

OP wants to be strong in whatever ways she thinks she can handle right now, I think.

I know Merry but, forgive me, I'm not going to nod along to her strategy of appearing unfazed when I think it's damaging because she is stressed.

She can read and disregard anything she chooses to. I'm not badgering her. But she sounds intelligent and I think it is better to get her examining her actions honestly now rather than saying 'there there' now and then, in three months time when she is still being screwed over, say 'well I did think the whole 'cool and civilised thing was a huge mistake'

Because I do think it is a huge mistake.

Being strong is a huge mistake in such situations. It can cause psychological damage and physical effects.
In fact, it is better to recognise our weaknesses and seek help. She'd be better off telling him and the family that she can't handle him at the moment and send him packing.

Well, sending him packing, which I have also advocated, takes a certain type of strength too. The strength to say I would rather be alone, I will stand up to your plans. After all he is planning to hang around and have the rellies over and she would have to stand up to that.

Deciding you will put on a brave face I agree isn't very good for you. But it's easy to sit here saying LTB, do this, do that. Many people on this thread have described how they went through this and didn't act as fast and firmly as, in retrospect, they saw they should have. That's because it is hard to do so and takes a lot of resolve, when the situation you are in is badly undermining your confidence.

I think OP needs support through this and will realise she's happier without him. She's still in shock and floundering about. As many of us have, and would.

Playing him at his own game = what exactly, Truly?

Great post TheLadyRadishes above

I think you have spent so many years thinking the sun shone out of this creep's arse that you can't let go of that just yet...facing up to the realisation that your husband is NOT the great man you thought he was, but is instead a two-bit, useless cheat, has to be incredibly hard, and self-preservation is important right now.

But OP, he is walking all over you so if you can, put yourself first and show yourself real care and love and consideration and get rid of this despicable man. The contempt he is showing you is disgusting....stand up for yourself!!!

I agree with others, sadly.

I think that you think you have a choice here, as to whether to keep him or kick his sorry ass to kingdom come. I think you think you have a chance of "winning" him back.

I think you are going to become what I said a few pages back, some kind of all singing all dancing half Stepford, half pole dancer in your efforts to make him want you more than he wants her.

And I think he is going to put on his Mr Wonderful act all weekend and then laugh in your face next week when he does run off to his OW.

I think, though, that until it happens and he's gone, you aren't going to believe it.

that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...

I don't get this. Is he saying that he loves you so much that he would fight for you? In which case, why isn't he fighting his groin ache to stay with you now?

Or is he saying, in his arrogance, that he is such a prize he doesn't understand why you're not bending over backwards to facilitate his "adoring passion" for the OW, even though you appear to be. and that therefore you can't love him that much?

Also, what on earth do you have to gain by "playing him at his game?" He clearly couldn't care less, but by playing happy families, all you're actually doing is playing right into his hands. He gets a hassle-free weekend, and then he can walk out afterwards, leaving you to break the news to everyone, whilst he escapes the fall-out.

Sorry, I really don't understand this.
You gave him a deadline but nothing has changed. He needs to be made to feel uncomfortable rather than having his cake and eating it yet you haven't kicked him out. He will just happily carry on doing things his way whilst you are suffering with the stress of it all. I know it is hard to go through this but please don't just go along with everything that he wants.

He sounds a horrible,selfish man, putting himself first before his family. I grew up in a household where my father regularly had affairs but mum put up with it 'because of the children'. We could all sense the atmosphere and would rather they had just split up earlier rather than maintaining the charade of pretending everything was fine. Mum would even iron his shirts and blow dry his hair every Friday night before he went out . Please think about the effect of all this on your children.

Indeed, register on PoF and discuss your prospective dates with him

Best post of the thread.

Oh poor OP, I do feel for you. We're not saying what you want to hear. It must be very difficult. I can see you're doing what you think is right. My mother did what she thought was right and for self-preservation.

But it was a false economy.

What depressing behaviour, I'm so sorry you have been hurt in this way. I agree with the others who say you need to take time to think it out yourself. Right now you are probably still in shock, panicing and trying to keep your family together. I think its important that you take some time apart and decide what you want. If you beg him to stay and he does so out of guilt then he will resent you and feel trapped by you and you will probably struggle to forgive him.

This thread so reminds me of another poster whose husband (a music teacher) refused to give up teaching the child of his OW. She was trying to do something about him crossing every line she set down, but he was stubbornly refusing to admit that he was behaving wrongly.

She disappeared from MN. I hope she's OK. I know from memories of seeing my mother go through this (a great introduction to adult relationships! NOt) that it rarely ends well.

How do I kick him out?
So husband has been having an affair since November. I discovered in feb. Now he's being so indiscreet he puts the associated affair expensed ( restaurants and hotels)!through the joint family account.

All the advice on here seems to be kick him out. ( we have 4 kids, moving out is not an option for us. ( kids and I) .
And he does go to a hotel sometimes (With her?) but the sleeps in out sofa bed on other days which is conglfusing for the kids and very difficult for me as I need to move on from his stupid ways. Everything I say he interpreted as unfair and unreasonable or aggressive. He has zero empathy for me and his 4 kids.

How can I persuade him to leave and begin dealing with the consequences if his actions. He won't go, he always has got a smart- arse answer as to why he can't go.

The house has both our named on the mortgage deal therefor he claims he has every right to come and go as he pleases.
Is financially solvent so I ban see no reason to sleep on our sifa.

Any hints or tips appreciated. Am at my wits end. I need to move in but can't with him hanging around.

What a complicated web you are weaving for yourself.

You are thinking you are going to rise above it, be the hostess with the mostest, be understanding and patient and he is suddenly going to come to his senses and see you as the prize catch you really are.

Jog on...

palepowder you probably need to start your own thread........I am sure you will get lots of good advice but it can be confusing when threads get mixed up.

Truly, you've lost the fighting spirit from the other day. You're basically caving. You gave him a deadline, which has been ignored, and there will be no consequences for that. He's continuing to exchange affectionate texts with the OW, and you've let that go too. You now plan to be super-understanding, in an ironic, PA way that he won't even register, and think that means you're playing him at his own game. But what you're actually playing is right into his hands. You'll be all compliant (on the surface, at least) and that will suit him just fine. In fact, it's what he asked for, isn't it? You to redouble your efforts to be Perfect Wife Material in order to hang onto him, special snowflake that he is and the sacrifices he's contemplating making on the altar of his Family.

Better legal advice will come from others, but I think you need to take legal steps to divorce him on the grounds of adultery. I think you need to do that within 6 months of discovering the adultery. Serve him court papers -- that might jolt him? And I hope you're not doing any care/work/cooking/washing etc for him?

I agree with lwegi 're plenty of fish. Show him pictures and make sure there young and in great shape.

I think you've embraced denial, OP.

Your reality is horrible so I can understand why creating a more empowering, positive narrative where you're in charge and pulling his strings.

The only problem with it, is that it's not true and it's postponing the moment of reckoning and making it harder, angrier and more bitter when it comes.

Entering into his mind games while spinning that as some sort of cunning plan, is probably the most destructive and unhappy course of action you can adopt.

I hope you'll choose a wiser course of action.

Truly you must be feeling overwhelmed and still in shock, plus with guests for Easter. There is a lot of collective wisdom here. No-one can tell you what you may want to hear, that this is all a nightmare and he will be back as if it never happened.
Listen to what he is saying- he is in love with someone else. This is such a disrespectful and pseudoromantic thing to say to you but I think you should take him at face value. If he feels like that about someone else then he can not stay in your house as your husband. He will have to deal with telling the dc and the fallout from that.

Oh sweetie .

You can take back control over your life .

Real men with ethics don't cheat. You have a weak husband that doesn't respect you. Regardless of whether you have spent all that time together and have kids, how can you stomach the fact that he is sleeping around on you. Ew. I would leave him and not look back. Cheating is a dealbreaker.