Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Easter is not exactly Christmas for the children. You could take advantage of your parents being there for support and much needed hugs.
Your ILs live close by.
What do you expect to accomplish with not kicking him out right now?
Indeed, are you hoping he won't go and see the error of his ways?
He won't.
He'll just continue to mock you and take advantage of you.

Just let him go.

Not sure what you can win by playing his game, though? I really think you should kick him out now and when his parents turn up, give them directions to the OWs house. And ask them to take his 20year old over with them.

Tell his parents that you cannot tolerate him shagging his secretary, and send him back to Mummy's with a bag. While he's out of the house over the weekend use the time to get your parents to help you gather together all the financial info from your relationship together.

Tuesday see a solicitor and ffs get a hold of yourself. The kids mean nothing to him beyond being useful tools with which to manipulate you, so that he can fuck you all over properly. He doesn't respect you, or even like you very much at this point.

If you aren't careful you'll end up homeless with nothing but empty pockets and an empty heart, and worse still - he'll have totally messed up your kids heads too.

Your marriage is over. That's not your fault. How you behave from here on in is though.

I hope while you are playing him at his own game you have taken copied of all financial information, and made an appointment with a solicitor. As you can bet your sweet life he has that side of it well thought out. Remember he is several steps ahead of you in this situation, and it's been a while since he actually worried about your welfare. Or the DCs come to that.

Truly - I think you would do well to be honest with yourself about what you want as that will pave the way for your future. At the moment he is being horrible. I won't rehash everything that has been said but he has cheated on you
texted her after you said no more contact
ignored your request to finish it and go if he doesn't
is trying to do what he can so he can blame you for his leaving

I would be seeing solicitor. Getting finances sorted. Getting as much out of him as I could while he thinks there is a chance and then presenting divorce papers when he least expects it.

You deserve better and so do your children.

Urgh, I don't usually post on these threads, but reading your description of him going on at you about how much he adores the OW and showing you the lovey texts HE CONTINUES TO SEND HER as if it evinces some kind of cleansing honesty making it all better, rather than just being the grossest form of selfishness and utter contempt and disrespect towards you...fuck him, fuck him. Disgusting.

I have an awful feeling he is going to lay on the charm all weekend and things will all feel very normal and lovely. And then drop you from a great height after the parents have gone home. Either that or your game face will slip and you will absolutely lose it in front of all your family. I really wish you weren't going through with this weekend, good luck. I wish I could stop reading this thread!

so he can say " Oh I did give it a week or two - but your mum made it impossible"

But he can say anything. He's hardly going to let the facts trouble him any more than he let his marriage vows bother him earlier.

His ego will never allow him to see himself as the bad guy in this story. Whatever actually happens, if you split the story is going to be:

• we drifted apart / she let herself go - not physically but mentally
• I fell passionately in love with my PA and it was a force bigger than myself, I simply couldn't help it
• I tried to sacrifice my fine feelings for the sake of my children but see previous statement about force bigger than self - it was the best thing for everyone that we part amicably and everyone is now very happy.

Literally whatever you do or don't do, this is the story. By playing happy families in front of your parents and his you are perpetuating his story.

But I'm going to play him at his game, - rational, calm, sooooo understanding of his position, of course he loves the kids, of course it's unbearable to leave them, but of course I understand that he can't live with his OW, and therefore - yes, of course i just have to let him go to be with her.

I'm so confused by this comment Truly you won't be playing him at his own game, you won't gain the upper hand or win anything, you will just be giving him exactly what he wants....again. I can only assume you have very low self esteem as your resolve to throw him out crumbled as quickly as you typed the words. He has a great control over you as things are, it's an old cliche but never let another person control your happiness. I did for a short period of time when I was emotionally vulnerable. Take some time for yourself, he has to leave for you to do this & really think about all the cruel things he has done. He hasn't isnt just having an affair, he is having an affair & expecting you to empathise with him for what he is going through!! Bollocks to that mate, you want this ow so much go get her and never come crawling back.

Good luck this weekend, op, I hope you are able to get something positive out of it.

I understand you not wanting to make last minute changes to this family gathering which was presumably arranged some time ago.

Hopefully the children and grandparents will be so besotted with each other it will override some of the atmosphere and may even give you some breathing room from all the intense what-happens-now conversations which must be very draining.

Life must go on as they say, why let DH's idiocy spoil your plans any more than necessary. I hope you get some support from your parents, some respite from his oppressive fake-guilt/dilemma, and some pleasure from your children's enjoyment of what has long been called Chocolate Day here.

Truly, your last post sounds exhausted and not rational at all. I think you are seeing him for who he is, but currently have no energy or headspace to deal with him or the situation. It's not surprising. I really hope you get some space somehow...or that something happens this weekend to blow it all up - but sincerely hope it is nothing which hurts you more.

To be really honest I think you are just putting a positive spin on your inability to confront him.
You should be honest with yourself about that so you can at least make choices based upon reality rather than this facade of icy cool and civilised.

At the very least go and see a solicitor and be honest with them so that they can help you to protect yourself.
Better to feel embaressed or humiliated honestly than pretend you are in control while he treats you with contempt.

I am sure I would feel humiliated even though I would know I had done nothing wrong. But I hope I would put that to one side to stop this nonsense continuing.

that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...

It all goes back to the beginning.

Believe what they tell you. He told you he expects you to fight for him. That's why he's telling you about her, the feelings, but he's not really leaving. That's why he told you about this now, when he knows you don't want to make a mess for the parents. That's why he's pulling the children card.

He doesn't want you or her.
He wants an ego trip.

here are some game strategies:
He - not you - has to tell both sets of parents what is happening.
He - not you, has to sit the DC down and explain that he is leaving them because his groin is more important to him than their happiness and stability is.

I have to agree with Heffalump. Maybe tough love is not what you need right now, but I feel so desperately sad for you that you seem to have such deep self esteem issues.

You don't need to play his game. All you need to do his kick his arse out. You gave him a deadline to end it or leave, and the deadline has passed. He clearly has no respect for you and you deserve someone who knows what he has when he has you. He should be begging for your forgiveness right now. He should be doing absolutely everything you ask of him.

He can bleat about how you made him leave and this is all your fault and blah blah blah boo hoo. Who cares? Anyone with half a rational brain will know that this is all his doing. And what other people think of you is none of your business. Your business is rebuilding your life and that of your children. The only reason he doesn't want to leave is because he doesn't want to admit to his kids what he has done. Please stop enabling and protecting him.

Trust me, your kids will be far far better off in the long run with a strong, independent role model. My mother has extremely low self esteem and it took me a long time to overcome my own self esteem issues and learn not to be like her. Please get rid of him and seek counselling for your self esteem and co-dependency issues.

Playing him at his own game is not putting a calm and rational face on. Playing him at his own game would be pressuring him into a financially dependent position , then declaring that you didn't fancy him as much when he was caring for your children, shagging some young carefree man, and then blaming him for the guilt and resentment you felt - while stalling for the financial manoeuvring to leave him and the children financially stuck.

If you want to play his game , get clever and get organised. What he says is really a side issue now - bottom line is that he will leave for OW once he has his ducks lined up. Cool wife , angry wife - none of what you do matters to him, you are an inconvenient irrelevance.

You need to look beyond him. Your actions need to benefit you and the children. Any breath, words or headspace expended on your H are a waste.

Honestly - that excuse is trotted out so often! ' I want to be able to say I gave it my best shot/tried to save the marriage/did all I could' To whom? The dc? When? When they are adults? Have you read any of the responses from adults on here that have been damaged by parents who have stayed together/gave it all they could to keep the marriage? Who actually asks their split parents if they gave it everything they(she) could?

And you keep saying 'he won't go because of the dc' - there is only ONE! Your 2 YO. His 20YO is an adult. The others are YOURS, and have only known him for 3-4 years. Are you saying he wont go because he doesn't want to be without YOUR dc?

You say you need room to breathe. I just don't see how you can do that staring at his face .

Play him at his own game that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me... - so have an affair. See if that is just words as well.

Hint - it's just words.

Jesus, he's really done a number on you hasn't he.

He's a grade A emotionally abusive arse and you can't see it.

Please buy that Glass book and read it all the way through.

Indeed, register on PoF and discuss your prospective dates with him.

OP I have a feeling that after this weekend you're just hoping he'll stay and that by being the good wife you can persuade him.

"But I'm going to play him at his game, - rational, calm, sooooo understanding of his position, of course he loves the kids, of course it's unbearable to leave them, but of course I understand that he can't live with his OW, and therefore - yes, of course i just have to let him go to be with her."

This doesn't make any sense OP. Can you explain what you mean? What are you trying to achieve? Your marriage is in tatters and you want to pretend it isn't to prove some kind of point?

I just don't understand what this is all about now. This is not a game.

Guys, I think it is supposed to read 'I understand that he can't live withOUT his OW'...

But still, OP sounds so shattered, she's not really making sense. I hope her Mum can see through it and get through to her.

Tbh Merry I don't think that changes anything. I don't think it's her wording that is confusing but rather,her choices