Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

He is incredibly selfish - very little about my welfare in all his considerations - but I don't think he can face walking out on the kids

Sorry, but he already has. He may be there physically but he is no 'father' to them whist treating you so badly.

He is playing games with you at present; keeping you and OW dangling and him still 'safe' at home - what with all the family visiting this weekend.

I'm glad you're starting to see him for what he is.

I wish you luck with whatever you have to do.

BalloonSlayer has it spot on, I reckon.

OP I find your latest update so sad.

You're doing whatever you can to accommodate him yet he's continuing the affair right under your nose. He's not being honest, he's not being good about it, he's waving it in your face. Despite your ultimatum he's still there. Where are your boundaries? The more you give in and accept the further he's going to take the piss and treat you like a mug.

You seem intent on keeping the peace, which in turn gives him permission to do whatever the hell he likes. He doesn't give two hoots about how you feel. He can't even stop contact with her! He won't stop contact! If the affair is over then it's over.

Are you going to play happy families over the weeknd? How much more of his shitty behaviour are you going to tolerate. Stop making excuses for him. His behaviour is disgusting, he isn't being open and honest and nice. He doesn't care about your feelings, he wants to know when he's going to get his next shag, and it'll probably be this weekend. Whilst you're entertaining his family.

I know you don't want to break up the family, but he already did that by cheating. This is his mess OP. His mess to deal with. There is no 'we' in the decisions. Kick him out. Give him a shock. Tell his family.

It's far worse for your children to grow up seeing their mum miserable and wondering why she never left, whilst you try and keep it working whilst your DH keeps on shagging this women and you soldier on with a grin plastered to your face trying to pretend everything is ok, then it is for them to see you happy and give them a good example of what to tolerate in a relationship. They can still have a relationship with their Dad, it doesn't have to finish because you aren't together.

Truly, I am so sad for you. You sound like a lovely caring, intelligent, fit woman. I'm sure your heart is breaking and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

My father was a serial cheat and my mother stayed "for the children". I can assure you, even if they don't understand what is going on, your pain = their pain. As their loving, devoted parent they will know your distress and won't thank you for keeping them in this toxic situation. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly when things are so raw, but the only person you will be helping by staying in this marriage is your "D"H.

If you aren't ready to end thing yet, or need to give things another go, that is of course completely understandable. But please do not think your children will be fine if you just hold the marriage together at all costs.

That's the worst kind of emotional blackmail. He has ripped the family apart but he is now putting the responsibility on your shoulders. I never comment on the relationships board but this story is raising my blood pressure! Tbh I think the OP will have a lightbulb moment and blow. I really hope so. His family's feelings are not your responsibility. He sounds like such a complete and utter bastard - in fact no, not even that, just a pathetic, snivelling twerp - I really wish you would ring his family and tell them the truth and ask him to leave and go to his OW. I don't think he will know what has hit him if you do. I reckon you stand a much better chance of building a nice future than he does.

He is turning it into some sort of self discovery mid life crisis in the hope of making it sound like some syndrome rather than the deceptive cheating that it is.

You are ten years younger and a bloody fitness instructor, I'm pretty sure you can do better

This

You sound ace OP don't let this wanker fuck up the rest of your life

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

The above is a good article, and the site in general has some good advice. I think that sometimes part of the appeal of affairs is that the ow , om, is competing with the spouse and enjoying the drama. Often when they get the boot the ow,om , doesn't want them anymore.

I feel for you. Showing you these texts is incredibly cruel

Please read baloonslayers post up thread. I think she has nailed it.

It really is cruel Truly

I feel you think it's him being honest

I think it just cruelly fuels his affair and almost gives him your permission to carry it along.

He won't be sleeping on the couch when the families are staying will he?

Probably straight back into your bed while you run about like a blue-arsed fly catering to your family and his trying to make things nice for everyone and smooth things over.

He on the other hand will continue to mope about feeling oh so confused and guilty and conflicted whilst still texting ow and thinking about what he is going to do.

You say that you are demanding to be treated with respect but he could hardly be treating you with less respect.

You wouldn't put up with this treatment t from your worst enemy. Please be brave and kick him out the. Tell your parents and his why.

His OW probably feels very special right now. Her distinguished boss "adores" her and is torn between his duty to his family and his adoration of her. What a lovely drama. Now imagine her face when he turns up with his washing and a resentful 20 year old in tow. She is babysitting a toddler every other weekend and everyone in the office is gossiping (and laughing) about it. All very painful for you OP I know, but you definitely come out better from this in the long term.

I'm aghast at this thread, what a cold, cruel manipulative little shit you are married to. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Please read balloonslayers post, it's spot on. He's behaving in a despicable way, ignoring the impact on you and loving the drama. Please please cancel the weekend entertaining his parents and tell them why. I think the more people know about it and the more it gets into the open, the more it can be seen as the sordid little affair it is, rather than this wonderful grand passion he's invented.

Sweetie, seriously: why not do a quick internet search and book yourself (on joint credit card, obviously) a nice weekend somewhere on your OWN? Tell him you need some "time to think" and bog off. If you're feeling spectacularly generous, organise an internet shop to arrive early tomorrow morning.

I'm quite serious. Be a nice alternative to a hellish weekend. And he's off work so there's no childcare to arrange, obviously...

I think that you won't tell his family partly because it will become 'real' but also because he'll get angry and probably leave and go to the OW. He'll then blame you for pushing him towards her.

Also, from how you speak of him, worshipping him etc, you won't kick him out because you love him and will do anything to make this work and keep the family together. He knows this. Which is why he hasn't left and is still continuing the affair under your nose (under the pretence of being honest about it). If you kick him out, well then it's your fault he's gone to the OW again. You made him do it. He's probably thinking, great I've admitted to an affair and she hasn't even asked me to leave, I'll just carry on then! He has no reason to stop. He's even told you he won't break off contact. He's using all of this to not do anything about it.

I think once the family have visited he is going to leave and go to her anyway - this is just death by a thousand cuts dragging it out.

Pack his stuff and get him out today - tell his family the visit is off and get yourself a solicitor. And in the meantime you and the children spend an enjoyable weekend eating lots of chocolate.

I know it's horrible but protect yourself and dc by having a STI screening at some point soon.

He's compromised your wellbeing and best to be on safe side.

Truly, I think you did have some control of the situation with the Wednesday deadline, but you have lost it again, and are playing with what he wants (apart from the sofa). You need to get some control over the situation again. A temporary separation is not going to be harsh on the kids, but it will give you space. You are not 'chucking him out', you are saying you need some space. If he respects you AT ALL he will give you some space.

He asked to spend a few more days together - to spend time with the kids and to relieve the pressure.

He is waiting till the parents have been, then he is going to go to her. I would tell his parents if he/you hasn't already told them. How will you keep up the facade with them in the house?

I do think you should cancel the visit and I bet your life he will have moved out this weekend. As poster above said there is no point in dragging it out. This is the second time he has left a family and you know what it probably won't be the last, she is just next in line.

I guess you're thinking that some couples do survive affairs and you're right. However, they either stop having the affair, repent etc or the poor partner lives in the relationship of 3, humiliated and deserving far more.

op, I very rarely comment on these threads, but ...

You say he is being very honest with you atm. Yes, he is. What he's telling you honestly is that he doesn't want to be with you and only you. That being with you isn't enough because he wants to be with the ow as well. If he is taking time to decide it's not because he doesn't want to lose you, it's because you aren't enough.

If he wanted your marriage to be saved he would be cutting contact with the ow (and I mean no contact, no texts, emails, meetings etc), because he wouldn't want anything to jeopardise that which he had realised he was about to lose. Some people who have affairs do exactly that when they realise how stupid they have been.

He hasn't done any of that. What does that tell you op?

Only you can decide where you want your relationship to go from here, but the choice is not his - it's yours. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

He should have thought about the effects on the kids before he allowed himself fall in love with another woman, too late to suddenly consider the kids now. I am really just getting how he shags around and expect you to put up with it, "for the kids". And surely he won't leave all the kids as he is not leaving his own children from his first marriage with you?

My parents divorced, but my mum also took my dad back on many, many occasions. It was that which was far more damaging. She's now admitted that it was a mistake and she only did it for the kids as she wanted us to have a father etc. What I haven't told her is the extent to which it has screwed up my own views of relationships

I can relate to this. It took some time, and an exceptional man, for me to trust men and not to channel my mother's bitterness.

op I behaved like you (ashamed to say) but only for a little while.
It's the fear of letting it all go that makes us do it.
One of the things that made me see sense is my close friend who said to me "has this become abusive?" And yes it actually had done, with me all panic stricken and trying to make him pick me and not her, while he sat around not actually that arsed.

So ask yourself the same question "has this become abusive?" Because I think you will find the only honest answer is a big fat yes!

Sorry, but he already has. He may be there physically but he is no 'father' to them whist treating you so badly

This is so true.

Again, from a child's perspective in this situation: when my mother told us my father was having an affair and was leaving, it felt as though he was leaving us as well as my mother. That he had been unfaithful to the whole family.

What eventally came out (my mother used me as a confidante -- terrible move) was that he'd been having emotional affairs since I was about 2 years old.

It was the stress of family life, you see. Hmmmmm

So his affairs were about getting away from a whole difficult situation. I don't have much respect for my father.

But I don't have much respect for my mother either.

Both my parents behaved weakly and betrayed something special about the family. My mother now says that she knows my father would have been appalling about money if she had divorced him -- he would have (this was almost 40 years ago), but looking back, I'm not sure if it would have been worse than living with an anxiety-ridden, resentful, martyred passive-aggressive mother, and a father who every now & again made it clear how much his wife & children got in his way.

I know as an adult that they were simply human, and we're all weak & we all seek love, comfort, and security. But that sense of betrayal by both parents is a lasting feeling from my childhood. Its a burden I still carry sometimes, and had to work hard to shift when I married. I was 15 when they broke up the first time, although my father had been doing this for years. It does long-term damage to children, particularly girls, to see their mother behave in this way.

I'm really really sorry for your situation. It must be just awful for you. But it makes me angry & stirs up such feelings from my own childhood, I wanted to tell you straight what it could be like for your children.

Sorry to be so tough. My heart goes out to you.