Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Thanks Flipflop - that's the thing - adults bounce back at some point in time, but kids are so easily damaged. I just think moving out, separation, divorce should be the last resort when children are involved. And DH does see that - otherwise he would have gone already.
Miserable time ahead regardless.

I know, I'm so sorry.
You will get through this, you will be happy again.
It's not what you wanted for your children but they are resilient & will want to hear you laugh again.
It's not your fault your husband has deceived you about who he really is. He sounds very manipulative.

I just think moving out, separation, divorce should be the last resort when children are involved. And DH does see that - otherwise he would have gone already.

Or that is why he thought he could have his cake and eat it.

He is convinced he can basically pay lip service and stay with you because he knows you don't want to break up the family.
He couldn't give a damn.

He asked to spend a few more days together - to spend time with the kids and to relieve the pressure

Or... Not having to face his parents and yours at this time. Yes, relieve the pressure for him.
Or... He's hoping you'll end up towing his line.

He doesn't want to go. He wants to keep you at home and her in bed.

I wonder about the children. Your children have their own dad. They may not even like this man that much and divorce is not that new to them. It's not such a shock.
The two year old is still young enough for separation to become normal quite fast.
Better now than, say, two years down the line when his abusive attitude has affected your health, your mind and your confidence.

You set one boundary at this time.
He's already mocked it and inched his way over it.
How many boundaries will you see steamrolled?
He'll be sleeping with her, while living with you, keeping his good husband façade to the world.

Honestly, as his parents live close to you, get him to stay there and get as much real life support from your parents at this time as you can. His parents may even rally around you too.

Show him you are serious about your boundaries.

Ah darling, you are really going through the wringer, still in shock I'd bet. He sounds like an immature fucko who got lucky in his career and so has been having his cake and eating it for several decades because he's "successful". Sadly he's now a man who lacks anything resembling a character. Where is his grit? His belief in his vows?
I would've had his bags out for the bins within 20 mins of his lame "it's your organisational skills" that made him bang his PA - does that mean it's open season on your spin class instructor because he hasn't worked out in a few months? People do move on from all sorts of breakdowns. But what we're hearing from you is a lot of almost blaming yourself, something akin to not making time for cosy fireside chats where you stroked his ego. Please stop that! (I defer to others upthread who've been there on how your kids will cope - but consensus seems to be a strong, smart mum on her own is better than the alternative.)
Feeding you contrite bullshit is not the same thing as being contrite. You had one very genuine ask of him - pull out the stops to give OW her marching orders. Major fail. Kick him to the curb and let him at least show some sort of grit, some devotion. To You.

i'm so sorry what you are going through. What an utter b*stard.

I think showing you her messages etc is not about him being really honest but he is sneakily trying to make it all 'out in the open' so he can carry on and feel less 'guilty'

don't do him the favour of validating his affair by putting up with that, he is manipulating you into effectively accepting / condoning it. He will not respect you in the long run and that can destroy any chance of a future

big hugs , be strong

I think he's manipulating you, telling you things so he gets his own way but giving you a different reason why. It is also shocking how much he is walking all over your feelings.

Please, please don't let anyone treat you like this.

I rarely comment on these threads but this one has me gobsmacked.

Truly, I know it's easier said than done but just take a quiet minute to read back through your posts as objectively as you can. Then imagine what you would say to a best friend or sister who had said everything you have.

This man is counting on your reluctance to put your children through another divorce to have his cake and eat it. He hasn't even gone non-contact with the OW! He's texting her sweet nothings under your nose. His behaviour is appalling.

He has no respect for you or his marriage. Don't fall for his tortured romantic soul act. He is paying cursory lip service to guilt and contrition but his actions are screaming "I will continue to do what I want regardless of your feelings or of our marriage vows". Is that the kind of man you want as a role model for your children?

I suspect that if you don't take action first and show him the door, then after the cosy family Easter weekend showcase for your parents is over, he'll miraculously find the resolution to leave you for the OW anyway. He's dragging it out so as not to sully his reputation as the loving family man while your parents, who presumably wouldn't be taken in by his guff and would have his balls on a plate for hurting you are staying with you.

Be strong.

Oh god my heart just bled for you reading those last posts. He truly is unbelievably awful.
Look, I know you don't want to upset the kids. But right now, you are sacrificing yourself at the alter of family life and if you carry on like this you are going to be destroyed.
What outcome do you for see? Man gets bored of OW and you go back to a liveable relationship? That is not going to happen
It cannot happen with the way he is behaving now and the way (sorry) you are allowing it. He is a selfish man who wants to chase his youth and that won't change. He is a man who thinks it's ok to cheat on his wife because he got bored and that won't change. He is a man who thinks it's ok to continue his affair under your nose and gives not a crap about your hurt. He knows you will tolerate this unbelievably bad behaviour so I absolutely guarantee he will do it again. If it fizzles out with this OW there will be another.
You need to acknowledge that your marriage is done. The hurt and disruption for the kids is inevitable. I'm sorry.

Truly please take this 'difficult decision' out of his hands.

He says he is worried for his children but has no consideration for you. He has oodles for himself and Ow.

Please take his power away and make at least a short term plan by kicking his ass out whilst you have space....worried he will leave for good if you do?

He has told you he would rather be there with her as he feels so relaxed or whatever his crucifying wording is. He won't stop seeing her. He doesn't want to.

'Minimal contact' the cruel bastard texts as you try to sleep and you seem to respect his honesty for showing you their affectionate texts together.

Don't entertain families over Easter pretending its all ok. Turn that over to him and take some time out.

I didn't think he could make you feel much worse Truly....sorry if my words are harsh. Hope you financially independent.

See your solicitor.

What a cruel bastard

Children are quite resilient. Divorced parents do not damaged children - arguing parents, parents who abuse each other, parents who don't/can't trust each other - do damaged children.

Here here to mummy.

Also living in fear of him doing it again........will take its toll for sure.

I know you are in shock but please don't accommodate his cruelness so unhealthy for you and your children.

If there was a chance of him returning to you, he would not be saying and doing these things now. There is no intention from him to stay with you. He is saying the words needed to spend the weekend at home with all of the conveniences that brings.

I'm worried at how hurt you will be when he leaves you for her (in his own merry time).

he still didn't tell her is over????

who does he think he is???

he is trying to work out how much he can sqeeze out of you - i.e. - to get good and ongoing relationship with his kids, you making it happen for him and him having the freedom to roam

he is an idiot!

do not enable his comforts

I know kids are very important but he isn't thinking of them - he is only think8ing of himself!

Kids are affected by break ups, but they also absorb atmospheres, and hear rows and know when relationships are going wrong. Think about what you are teaching them by allowing his crap to continue with your blessing. (A two parent family under the same roof is not the only way to parent well).

Separating will jolt their world, but its going to happen sooner or later with this man - there is never going to be a 'good' time for him to walk. They need to feel loved and secure and life needs to plod on as normal - which is about them having a home, and meals, and an adult there who they can trust - that has to be you, because whatever nonsense he comes out with about putting the kids first, his actions show he cares little about them.

And why on earth are you going through tthe Easter charade with the family for him? What are they going to think when he walks off into the sunset with OW when all the eggs have been eaten? That you enabled him to be selfish bastard. Surely it will just create confusion for the kids

Sorry, love, we're all putting our two pennyworth in and its you that's living this. I think taking some time to breathe is a good idea, but you need to take control sooner rather than later.

I also believe he wants to keep the peace as he has his parents pitching up....I believe he will be off to his more 'relaxing' surroundings shortly after their departure.

Do him a favour and take the poor lambs awfully harrowing choices away from him ....pretty sharpish.

Glad you have some RL support now....empower yourself by arming yourself with as much information financially and practically as you can.

I know you don't want to lose him now ....but I feel when you experience his next move that may change....

if she is his assistant - it's either her leaving or him

tbh you could threaten him into action by saying "what you are doing is breaching your contract, if I go an d tell your company what's going on they will sack both of you"

'Adults bounce back at some point in time, but kids are so easily damaged. I just think moving out, separation, divorce should be the last resort when children are involved. And DH does see that.'

Errr, no he doesn't. He sees that he can do what he wants and in time you'll put up with it for the sake of the children. You told him 'Wednesday you tell her it's over or you move out' and you have already folded on that. He knows now that if he works on you you'll end up putting up with the situation so that you don't break the kids hearts.

This man doesn't give a flying fuck about you, OR his kids, because if he did you wouldn't be posting here. He's still messaging her, and he'll fuck her at the first opportunity he gets. You need to understand that and get angry and boot his sorry arse out because doing that is the ONLY way this man is going to take you seriously enough to respect you.

You're right about one thing. Kids are so easily damaged, but I f you think that staying and allowing them to see you being used and disrespected is any less damaging you are wrong. Your children need to see that if someone treats you like shit in life you don't accept it.

If sorry if this is harsh, but your last message gave out the clear message that you were starting to capitulate, you let him stay AND you put up with him messaging her. You honestly cannot do that at this stage without the high possibility that doing so means losing both your marriage and your dignity and self esteem.

How do you think he would act in a complete....vice versa....

Would he be planning entertaining your parents whilst you crave to be relaxing and having sex with your assistant? Plotting your next move but getting his final pound of flesh....I'm sure you'd be so grateful if he stuck around just a little longer....maybe?

I meant this:
if she is his assistant - it's either her or him changing jobs
he is seeing her every day for 10 hours a day!

And I'm afraid under the rules of sexual harassment he is the one who has to leave as the more senior member of staff it is his responsibility to make sure inappropriate conduct doesn't happen.

prays he is homeless and jobless soon

Sooty, forgot about the * thing on mumsnet... Good luck Truely40. You deserve so much better.

Oh Truly, I am so sorry. His willingness to humiliate you knows no bounds. He couldn't be more blatant about his intentions without actually inviting OW round for a shag in your bed, yet he is managing to stall for long enough to have you on IL wrangling duty over Easter. You had a boundary , which he has metaphorically pissed all over.

You are so determined to do absolutely the wrong thing for what seems to be the right reasons that my heart breaks for you , and what your children could end up going through as a result of this man's actions and your misplaced faith in him doing the right thing. You sound so lovely and he is completely taking advantage of you.

adults bounce back at some point in time, but kids are so easily damaged

My experience was the reverse. My father didn't change, my mother lived a life of martyrdom, and definitely affected us as teenagers. It's not a good situation to bring up children in.

At the very least, you need to stop being a SAHM, and go back to work. If you let him stay, make your husband take on 50/50 childcare and home management.