Does the OW ever feel any remorse/guilt?

[RealUnreality]

This is a very general question purely out of curiosity.

I'm am not or never have been an OW. I was the victim of one years ago, but that is not the issue.

This thread certainly has lots of experience, hence my question.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

It's already been said that affairs happen for all sorts of reasons and circumstances. Whilst following this thread it occurred to me that the 3 women who I know well, who's DH's had affairs (several in 2 cases), they all were absolutely besotted with their DH's. They did as random says - put up with a load of shit' but put up with it they did.

With 2 of them it was common knowledge in the small town we lived in, but the women still acted as though they had a perfect family and life. I think that they were viewed by those who knew them (and me) as turning a blind eye so that they could still live their perfect life.

I'm not saying they were to blame but they were more in love with their DH's than the DH's were with them. I asked one of DH's why he married my DC "because she asked me" was the reply.

[MexicanSpringtime]

A friend of mine so much felt guilt that she let her exP not contribute anything towards the maintainance of their child, so as not to take away from the original family and certainly never asked his to leave his family. In the end the man left both his wife and my friend for a third woman he'd been seeing for over a year!

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

No need to delete the thread imo real - the debate has been heated but that is to be expected on this topic.

I think it has been explained very clearly what was 'provocative' about your choice of words regardless of your intent so I am surprised you still seem mystified.

I want all women/ families suffering after the fall out of an affair to be able/ allowed to move on and be happy - clearly it isn't always possible some betrayals cause deeper harm than others.

[Ledkr]

I think my ex how feels remorse most definitely.
I think she feels remorse every day when she lives with the sexist,unhelpful, uncaring bastard that she apparently stole from me.

I bet she felt very remorseful on Mother's Day when the miserable bastard got her fuck all while I was sat with my sparkly diamond earrings.

I bet she was pig sick when she found out he'd cheated on her and had a baby by another woman while she was pregnant.

I silently give thanks every time I see the wizened old fucker

[MorrisZapp]

I don't understand the confusion either. It was a loaded question, as has been explained many times.

[RealUnreality]

Referring to women who engage in affair relationships in a derogative/offensive way is loaded, referring to them as in 'other' (extra party) is not.

[MorrisZapp]

As has already been explained, your use of the words victim, ever, and any gave a clear indication of what you thought. So I can't see your OP as a genuine question.

[RandomInternetStranger]

For the record I see nothing wrong with the original post or how it caused offence. I certainly didn't take any offence and I think the only people who would are the cheaters or OW and I have no sympathy or concern for people like that frankly.

The one saying which always springs to mind for me is if you ate having problems in your relationship, talk to the person you are in a relationship with, not the one y you want the next relationship with.

For me this all happened 4 years ago and it still hurts as much today as it did back then, the pain has never gone away especially as he is still with the fat whore and she is at my daughter's school, looking after her when she's there, involved with my friends and family etc, my life and plans are affected by her demands on my ex, it never goes away. However there is a little bit of karma coming back on her now. See it took him and I 5 years to conceive DD, and I was always blamed, it could never possibly have been his fault. She is DESPERATE to have a baby and I'm pretty sure they've been trying, or at least not not trying, for a while now. But seems it has never happened. But I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant unbelievably quickly, a real one in a million chance. Clearly it wasn't me who was the issue. And now DD is bouncing about singing that she's going to be a big sister and everyone is turning to her with big smiles and congratulations and she has to tell them all over and over again that it's not her, it's me, that she's been with him over 4 years and is 32 and wanted her first before 30 and it hasn't happened, that she's still waiting. And she'll be on at him, press rising him that it's not her when it's her turn and it's not happened. And he can't cope with being pressured like that and will not do the ttc roller coaster he did with me again with her. Oh she'll have cried a few nights over this one and I couldn't be happier. Gives me a little smile and sick joy every time I think of it. She's going to be even more pissed off when she finds out this one is taking my married name too. Oh she'll be furious, as will he, and I can't wait. A little bonus to cheer me up through the not so pleasant pg symptoms.

[MorrisZapp]

It doesn't offend me either. But I think the OP was never looking for a genuine discussion of all sides of the issue, so she was misleading in saying that she was.

[MorrisZapp]

Random, do you mind me asking why you're naming your new baby (congrats by the way) after the man who hurt you so much? Sorry if this is too personal.

[RandomInternetStranger]

Quite simply because I want the same name as my daughter, who still has his name so I never changed it. And now I am single and the father of this one is not involved it will have my name, the same as it's sister, which unfortunately is the same as his. But if he doesn't like it he'll have to agree to change hers to my maiden name and I'll happily switch back and give that to this one too. But I want the same name as my children, whatever that name is. I've been a Ms since we split though, I'm not still called Mrs.

[RealUnreality]

Ok, even though there were many posters who had no issue with the OP.

After a woman has engaged in an affair relationship with a man and his DW DC have been incredibly hurt, does the woman who was the third party in the said relationship at any point in the future regret her actions?

If she does regret her actions or feel guilt or remorse, is it because she got hurt? He didn't leave?, because he has now cheated? He treats her badly? or because she now wishes she had not hurt the DW and DC. If the relationship lasted, does the woman worry he will cheat?

Or like IME, is she happy and feels it was worth it?

The third party in my relationship informed me she felt her DC (one DC from previous relationship) was more entitled to my DC's father than they were as during the affair my XH had done a lot for her DC. Her reasoning was that if my XH left her, her DC would not see him again as my XH was not her DC's natural parent.

I did not want to involve my own experience as I wanted to hear the reasoning of others.

IMO, I'm in the camp of I feel both the spouse and the affair partner are equally to blame. My reasoning is that, in law, assisting a 'wrong' is also a 'wrong' e.g. assisting a crime. But, these are merely my opinions, I'm interested in everybody's opinions.

[RealUnreality]

Random thank you, that's exactly what I think too.

[RandomInternetStranger]

Real wow that OWs logic is amazing. Is she also a bratty selfish self centered tantrumming little woman child like mine too? It sounds like something mine would come out with. Mine actually said she resented my DD because she was getting the attention from her father my ex, that she wanted, and this nearly gave her a breakdown and she had to run home to mummy in Norway to cry to her about it. And my ex the shirty "father" knob jockey decided she was right and he would from then on put her first over DD even though he was frequently before that anyway, and since then he has not once in 2 years taken DD out on a proper child focussed activity like Legoland or the farm or zoo or whatever and has not once had any one on one time with her, unless hos whore happens to have other plans anyway. He even sent DD a Valentine card this year - signed by both of them. rolleyes and vomit, that's pretty sick.

[RandomInternetStranger]

shitty not shirty, though he is that too.

[RealUnreality]

Random The woman you encountered sounds much the same as my experience. The XH decided to cut contact eventually with my DC, I suspect because his new P couldn't handle it. She used to stalk my eldest at an activity club to see if the XH was with my DC.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

doesn't it depend whether or not the OW knew if there was a partner or not?

[RealUnreality]

Yes Vampy there are always women who genuinely did not know, if it were me I wouldn't if I really didn't know, feel sorry for his partner/DW, but not responsible

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

Indeed - I was seeing a 'man' for a while, many moons ago, we were out one night and his partner - and mother of his children - came in, shouting and swearing (unsurprisingly, perhaps). It was the first I knew of his relationship, he'd actually outright lied by saying he wasn't in one. I do feel sympathy for her even though she detests me to this day because I can't imagine how it must feel - they're still together though!

[AuroraSim]

I was an OW, I was 24, had one child. He was 25, had one daughter and a girlfriend he resided with.

I knew. Relationship was bad ect ect. It blew up in his face more than mine. We moved on, we still speak every know and again.

Do I feel quilt? Yes, and no. Yes for the child involved. No, because we were to consenting adults, and to be honest I owed nothing to the women.

Other woman get the majority of the blame, but what people forget is it's the man who is supposed to love/respect/honour his wife or partner.

I fully expect to get flammed, but I'm being honest.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Becky what an amazing and 100% genuinely inspiring story for bringing a surreal note to this thread - cheers

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

that is genuinely one of the strangest things I've ever read on Mumsnet.

[RealUnreality]

Bloody hell Vampy

[RandomInternetStranger]

Vamp if the OW genuinely didn't know then of course she couldn't be blamed, however I would expect her to do the decent thing when she did find out, and if she didn't then that puts her in with the rest of them.

I wish spells were real, there'd be a few I'd like casting!