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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does the OW ever feel any remorse/guilt?

150 replies

RealUnreality · 12/04/2014 15:42

This is a very general question purely out of curiosity.

I'm am not or never have been an OW. I was the victim of one years ago, but that is not the issue.

This thread certainly has lots of experience, hence my question.

OP posts:
stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 17:32

Mm who are adulterers look for a type of woman. Because their DW doesn't meet their needs. OW believes DW is selfish.

Wrapdress · 12/04/2014 17:35

I was the OW a couple of times 25+ years ago. Neither were love affairs. One was a long weekend "out of town strange" guy - he truly loved his wife. They were under a lot of stress though. He wrote me love letters afterward, but I didn't respond. It was a fling and it was over and I was done.

The other one lasted a year. Purely sex. I would say he was a sex addict and besides his wife and me there had to be more women. His wife had to know about me and not care. He will say he was returning a video and come to my house for several hours. He truly loved his wife, too, and never ever said anything bad about her. We were fond of each other, but no love at all. I ended that one as well and we stayed friends after that for a couple of years.

I am obviously older now and would not get involved with a married man at this point in my life.

My dad had multiple OW when married to my mum (21 years) - one was a real love affair and they are married now. I never cared who he shagged - where, when or why.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 12/04/2014 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdithWeston · 12/04/2014 17:44

There are probably as many reasons for an affair as there are people having them.

The married partner choosing to betray rather than end or mend the marriage is a shit of the first order. But the OW/OM, unless very obtuse, will come to realise their partner is married and so is lying and cheating too. So it is totally possible to condemn both - there's no contradiction in doing so as it's never 'either/or' when it comes to people whose witting actions have hurt your family.

Does the OW feel guilt? My guess is that some do and some don't. But unlesstg guilt has caused her to end the relationship, then the feeling is either weak or transient. Same for betraying spouse. Many profess to guilt, but it didn't seem to stop them.

FoxyTerrier · 12/04/2014 17:45

Cant help but think there is a certain buzz to be had at 'winning' someone else's bloke...

Not saying that I think this, but think OW probably would...I guess it serves to boost their own self esteem.

GiddyUpCowboy · 12/04/2014 17:47

Maybe OW don't realise that the rest of us get propositioned by MM also, we just have morals and don't go there.

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 17:49

I can tell you at no point have I ever felt like I was winning. Feels like a lucky escape in all cases...

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 17:51

Great stuff that giddy up that they are honest enough to tell you they are MM when it starts. Get back up on your horse.

GiddyUpCowboy · 12/04/2014 17:51

What do they "win"? skids in pants, farts in bed, beer breath, snoring, bad breath in the morning?

GiddyUpCowboy · 12/04/2014 17:52

I do feel for Women who are unaware, yeah ha!

FoxyTerrier · 12/04/2014 18:01

I think that some OW have low self esteem and seek to validate themselves with whatever is on offer...if a MM came onto me, I'd think he was a sleazeball. I'm moving off topic though.

I by no means think they are 'winning' anything. The way I feel today, they're welcome to 'em!!!

mammadiggingdeep · 12/04/2014 18:15

Stripesxebra-

3 x!!!! Bloody hell, you didn't learn much did you? Falling for that 3 times...

purplegadget · 12/04/2014 18:17

The OP's question is phrased in a way that lumps all OW together and the word 'ever' implies that she thinks they don't. It's a bit simplistic tbh.

Anyway, as some have said, there are all sorts of permutations of circumstances, motivations, personalities etc. etc.

The answer is obviously some do and some don't.

My personal circumstances were: both married (I still am, presume he still is but NC so can't be sure), neither wanted to leave our partners and be with each other instead, he was soon leaving the country. He wasn't a serial adulterer (I knew him well enough to be 99.9% sure of that) and I doubt he'll do it again as he struggled with the guilt.

I don't feel particularly guilty myself - their problems were there before me and he cut off all contact with me (we kept in touch for a few weeks after he emigrated) to work on his marriage. It hurt at the time but he owed me nothing, we both knew that was how it would be in the end and it was best for me too.

Hope that gives some insight to one individual set of circumstances.

marshmallowpies · 12/04/2014 18:21

My ex boyfriend was the product of his dad's second marriage, and for years believed that his dad had been separated from his first wife when he met his mum.

Turned out that it wasn't true, his mum was the OW and his dad did leave the first wife for her (although it may be true that the first marriage was over in all but name, I'm not sure).

But what was true was that ex MIL was the most bitter and unhappy person I've ever known - it was more than 10 years and 2 children into the relationship before they finally got married, and ex FIL was away a lot working in those initial years so I think she felt like she was the mistress who had been knocked up and then abandoned.

But then, by the time they finally married, I don't think there was much love lost between them and they spent years living separate lives under the same roof, hating each other. Worst of all was that ex MIL took it all out on the children of ex FIL's first marriage, refusing to acknowledge them as family or have them in her house. When one of them had children of their own, even the grandchildren were not accepted by her, even though the past family traumas were nothing to do with them!

As you can imagine the atmosphere in that family was extremely poisonous and her nasty attitude infected the relationship between me and my ex boyfriend too. He tried to deny that he was like her, but all his most annoying personality traits were the ones which reminded me most of her.

So, in that case, the OW got her man but was treated by him as a second class, inferior wife from the beginning, and she resented it and took it out on everyone around her, forever. They separated eventually, to the benefit of all, and I'm thankful she is no longer in my life.

fedupbutfine · 12/04/2014 18:27

I would not be proud of a DD who treated a man like a cash machine, and withheld affection to get their own way.

are you suggesting that women who's husbands cheat on them treat them like cash machines and withhold affection?

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 18:31

OK so 1st time I knew he was married but was convinced he would leave and i was ypung and in love.Second time they had lived and continue to live in separate houses, but keep up appearance of all been jolly in family home...a bit of an open relationship, which I got sick of...cake and eat it scenario.....third time I had no idea he was in a long term long distance relationship..he never fessed up, just legged it, and i found out later.I have learnt along the way...and been truely heart broken in all these scenarios. If I feel guilt it is for the DP of number 3...as I don't think she has any idea he plays away..the other 2 DWs do know..but £ nice houses, etc means they stay or play away too. Its me who is on my own, while all 3 couples carry on with their lives, so yes I guess it serves me right. I have been approached by other married men before and since, and not gone there. I just seem to attract 'em, and I wouldn't like to promise myself I wouldn't fall for it all again

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 18:35

According to two of the 3 men yes their wives were simply staying for £. Some men dont talk to other men or go to counselling about relationship problems, they get a mistress and tell them. And shag them. Cheaper and more sensitive than a hooker.

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 18:37

Apology to any hookers, should have made point better without offending sex workers

worsestershiresauce · 12/04/2014 18:50

'..but £ nice houses, etc means they stay or play away too'

Stripes that is not why they stay. I should know. I stayed. Perhaps it makes you feel better to think that.

This thread is quite interesting, but I am puzzled by the comments along the lines of people blame the OW not the MM. I don't think they do. Even on MN every one piles in to say 'don't blame the OW, blame your 'D'H'. If someone plays away they have made that decision themselves. No one can force someone else to cheat. Encourage sure. Not force.

patothechiefexec · 12/04/2014 19:11

Interesting thread.

I haven't been an OW but I have been a PA for a long time and have had plenty of opportunities to go down that route. Over time, my view of men (and women!) has changed. It never ceases to amaze me how many men have tested the waters to see if I am 'up for it' and discussions between men about various women in the office/customers/suppliers. The majority of them are all happily married. I think they are often just looking for a distraction to brighten life up a bit.

My younger self would have probably fallen for the 'my wife doesn't understand me/give me sex/is a bitch' line but now I know a lot of them are just on the sniff. An old boss I keep in touch with has always had a bit of a thing for me. It is just the running joke between us now. In the meantime, I am fairly certain he has fling with his current PA. She is late twenties, single, beautiful and very impressionable. He is early fifties and happily married with two teenage sons. He always denies he has ever done anything but knowing him fairly well I am pretty certain he has always been like this. I actually feel quite angry about it as I know his PA has quite a few issues and is not on an even keel mentally. Selfish twat springs to mind.

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 19:14

According to their DH the DW are selfish women, there are always two sides to a story from the OW perspective with no nice house, no £, no seemingly perfect life but loving someone's DH who had convinced his mistress he loves her and doesn't really love the wife but is forced to stay. The mistress believe this side of the story. If it makes DW feel better that it the mistress who steal husbands and wreck marriages out of some sort of spite towards women, or because the mistress was the victim of a cheating partner, then this is what makes DW feel better about what has happened to their marriage. Its brilliant if couples can work through affairs, but in many cases they think they have, but in fact DH is serial adulterer and knows how to practically groom a victim.

kalidanger · 12/04/2014 19:20

I was an OW for a while. The MM is charming, hilarious and handsome and can [s]stick it where he likes[/s] therefore pull very very easily. I was lonely so I went for it. He seemed to be able to keep everything entirely on the level (which is a ridiculous way of describing it) - no claiming he had any particular problems at home, no lines spun to 'persuade' me, but tbh I didn't need much persuading. Just seemed like we got on very well so we'd have some fun together. A lot less bullshit than I read about on here.

Then I started my own relationship, overlapped a bit, that ended and now MM and I are friends, and have mutual friends.

I don't know where I'm going with this really. Uhm. Yes, I do feel remorse. After being single for ages, then seeing him, then having a pretty shitty relationship of my own I was reminded what they were like and the many and varied ways people could hurt each other. I'd been on my own too long when I met MM and I'd forgotten. Or conveniently forgotten. I don't specifically feel guilty, but I do feel shitty and uncomfortable about it. I think he's quite the specimen. So different, yet exactly the same. The varieties of these men.

I wouldn't do it again. Ever. I hope.

JonesTheSteam · 12/04/2014 19:26

I don't blame the OW.

I am still entitled to think she's a class A bitch as she is married with two children and, like my H, didn't think about her family when she was shagging him!

Just because she didn't take 'our' marriage vows doesn't make her culpable to some degree.

She took her own. And certainly told my H that she has thought about leaving her H when the children are older as she isn't happy.

I feel sorry for her husband and kids.

Some days I have to sit on my hands not to tell her what a cow she is for doing what she's done. And to resist the urge to tell her H. And then I think of the pain I've gone through and think about what it may do to him...

JonesTheSteam · 12/04/2014 19:31

doesn't make her not culpable to some degree....

stripeszebra · 12/04/2014 19:38

Jones. That is horrible that you all know each other, and you are exceptionally brave not to tell her husband, and I totally get why you consider her a class A bitch! Life must be extremely difficult for you in this senario to keep it all together.