Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the OW ever feel any remorse/guilt?

150 replies

RealUnreality · 12/04/2014 15:42

This is a very general question purely out of curiosity.

I'm am not or never have been an OW. I was the victim of one years ago, but that is not the issue.

This thread certainly has lots of experience, hence my question.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 12/04/2014 19:42

I don't know her or her H.

They both work with my DH.

I have all her contact details though, saves under 'bitch' on my phone. It makes me feel better... ;-)

JonesTheSteam · 12/04/2014 19:44

saved (stupid predictive text!)

Discoflame · 12/04/2014 19:47

But is your husband stored under bastard?

That's what I don't get the wives who take their husbands back and forgive but carry on hating the ow. Yes she had her part in it. But if you forgive him that must mean you at least forget her??

I just don't understand, on a personal level I have only just worked through what happened to me as an ow. And I'm morbidly fascinated with relationships at the moment.

Discoflame · 12/04/2014 19:48

Not meaning to get at you Jones, was just musing in general.

JonesTheSteam · 12/04/2014 19:51

No he's not saved under bastard. He's been called that many times though and knows the contempt and hatred I feel for what he has done (and she has done).

We are working through it at the moment but I'm a long way from forgiveness for either of them as it has only been just over two months since I discovered what he'd been doing.

And who knows, I may never be able to forgive or forget. And we may split up anyway....

bigmouthstrikesagain · 12/04/2014 19:52

worcester - I am well aware that my mum was blamed by various people for her part in Dads first marriage ending. She was named in the divorce although both had had affairs, she was called a whore by Dads family. She had me while Dad was still married (in name only as he was separated and dad was living with my mum) so she met with disapproval for having a 'bastard'. So even if she had not felt guilt - she was certainly given reason to regret meeting Dad.

Things have moved on now of course (this was 40 years ago) but people are still quick to judge an 'other woman'. This is not surprising as there is so much anger and pain during a marriage break up, regardless of who is to blame.

This thread is about how the OW feels though. I think most sensible women would avoid such a messy and potentially damaging relationship for their own sake - perhaps it is easy to dismiss the feelings of a woman you have never met and don't care about - at least long enough to embark on an affair. But enough infidelities occur between friends when all parties know each other - it must be more complex negotiating that.

I think I can claim being party to one man being unfaithful to his partner (they were not married), as I had a one night stand with one of my tutors while at Uni - but tbh his role as my tutor made it very messy anyway. I was young and stupid. He was very drunk and opportunist - I don't feel guilty but I do feel rather unclean about it now. I didn't stalk him or try to claim my 'prize' that was never any part of it - Just an immature slightly self-destructive woman seeking approval and acceptance. Gaining power over another woman was not my goal. It was about me not her. Ironically it was probably in part down to the fact my Dad died the week before I went to Uni.

Surely most unwise and harmful relationship choices are about the two people involved their issues, upbringing, baggage... not about the other people they may hurt. It must be a rare OW that thinks about the wife of their lover - rubs their hands together, cackles evilly and thinks "how can I ruin this woman's life!".

Feeling regret and remorse twenty years later is not going to change my unwise decision or his - I learned from the experience and althoug I had another complex relationship with an older man which went wrong (he wasn't married or in another relationship though!) - It all enriched my perspective and gave me some insight into myself and how easy it is to fuck up your life. People are messy and things are not black and white - I have no intention of ever being unfaithful to my DH, I don't think he would ever cheat on me - but if he did it would be all on him.

PlantsAndFlowers · 12/04/2014 20:38

I don't think OW necessarily have low self esteem. For me it was more about fantastic sex.

FoxyTerrier · 12/04/2014 20:49

PlantsAndFlowers....am sure you could find yourself someone single to have some fantastic sex with?

Tinks42 · 12/04/2014 20:54

Im 50 and have had many relationships with married men in my younger days etc. and have to say no, I didn't feel remorse then. When I grew up I decided that I wouldn't want to do that to another woman nor want sloppy nebulous seconds.

MrsC1969HJ · 12/04/2014 21:05

I would like to add to this. My H's "OW" who he left me, my 3 year old son (then 2 1/2) and his 15 year old stepdaughter for has been beyond vile. It is all my fault, I pushed these two middle aged people into having an affair, it is my fault they are together, I only have myself to blame, she has emailed me the most vile abuse calling me every name under the sun, threatened me with legal action for having the nerve to "implicate" her in the end of my marriage, oh it goes on. She was a widow of six months when she got involved with my husband (actually I think it was much earlier), her husband was killed suddenly in a RTA, and has even stooped to the depths of using her "love" for her dead husband and her grieving 7 year old son to cover her affair with my husband (even though they had been living together for 3 or 4 weeks at this point). She has dismissed the devastation of my daughter as "not their concern, surely the concern of her father", she has told me that I am a fucked up no mark, a horrible nasty head case and I forced him to leave. This is the same husband who was quite clearly having sex with us both at the same time and gave no indication that anything was wrong until the moment he announced he was leaving me at 8 am in the morning in front of our little boy. Does she feel remorse? I can't possibly say, however, I do think that her constant abuse of me and her insistence that I am to blame reflects more on her own feelings than it does on me as a wife and a mother. She is also obsessed with her "business and reputation"..child based business and can't afford the bad publicity. I personally think that her only regret is that they were found out. She doesn't give a shit about me and my kids...she is trying to replace her husband with mine and that's it as far as she's concerned!

Staryy · 12/04/2014 21:23

Yes. I tried to commit suicide twice due to being the ow as I couldn't handle the guilt.

Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 01:25

Had so much trouble logging in to the site.

Some very interesting points made but I'm still baffled as to how my question may have been misinterpreted. Perhaps my question was perceived by some as an attack on women who have entered relationships with MM? (It was not intended to be)

I'm currently studying for final exams at uni, a lot of which covers issues of relationship breakdown, so sparked my interest as it is a very debatable area.

I used the word 'ever' as in at any point in time, not as a judgment of whether I do/do not think women feel guilt or remorse after an affair relationship, if I knew the answer I would not have asked. It has been an eye opener to see how some women have been affected by involvement with a MM.

I personally don't think there are any winners or losers in these situations as everybody involved gets hurts to some extent. In my own experience, in the long run, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, because my life if far improved without the cheating EXH (no longer together, I'm now in a very happy relationship).

If anybody is still in a relationship that began with an affair, does guilt/remorse affect your relationship now? Do you worry your partner may cheat? Like one poster commented, I think now my situ was years ago, I'm a bit obsessed with how relationships work. Even though the XH cheated, I never worry my current parter will.

OP posts:
Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 01:29

Staryy very sorry to read that, I hope things have improved for you now.

I think the rejection part involved in affairs, whether it is the MM leaving the wife or leaving the OW, deeply affects the one left to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
Polonius · 13/04/2014 01:31

Yes, in my experience,

Tallypet · 13/04/2014 01:48

You came on this subject quite honest/curious about in your question. Reading your last post it seems to me that you're looking for a subject on your thesis. I hope that if this is not the case as this is a truly underhanded way of getting information.

Can you tell us why you asked this?

Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 01:57

I did a thesis on the global financial crisis which was submitted a couple of weeks ago, so not connected to this. What I am currently studying is an exam question which is restricted to published material, therefore, anything gained from this thread would be irrelevant. I explained below my curiosity.

Honestly, all I've done is ask a genuine question, so many speculated on my OP I was merely exploring what could have made me so curious.

OP posts:
Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 02:01

And the clarify, my study is on financial matters and in now way connected to the original question.

OP posts:
RandomInternetStranger · 13/04/2014 02:13

The OW in my marriage had none. She's an evil cold hearted cruel bitch and karma will get her one day. Or my ex will show his true colours eventually and when he does I just hope I get to watch and she sees my smiling face. Wink

Tallypet · 13/04/2014 02:22

*RealUnreality Sat 12-Apr-14 15:42:10
This is a very general question purely out of curiosity.

I'm am not or never have been an OW. I was the victim of one years ago, but that is not the issue.

This thread certainly h
as lots of experience, hence my question.*

You never actually asked a question did you?

Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 02:32

The question was the thread title. But in case you missed it....Does the OW ever feel any guilt/remorse?

Tallypet you seem determined to find some fault with me don't you?

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/04/2014 02:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 02:45

Bugger off from the thread that I began or bugger of from your private website Unlikely? What is your problem? Did not like the question? Struck a nerve maybe? Or maybe you have a pre approved list of posters?

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/04/2014 02:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RealUnreality · 13/04/2014 02:56

I usually just stop reading threads I find boring. Each to their own.

OP posts:
RecentlySpotted · 13/04/2014 03:04

I think some people, male or female, are capable of believing what they want to believe about themselves, despite evidence to the contrary. It's something weird about not being able to believe they are bad, or at fault in any way. I think these people are the most dangerous as they convince themselves that everything is OK.