He punched me in the face.

[NeedAdvice2014]

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

Sorry I think that was badly explained. Basically H wants another chance, I don't know how I could ever trust him again so I don't want him to be in the house. But if he is near, he can see the DCs and maybe we look at counselling and see if trust could be built up. Friend is staying at my house to support me and help with DCs and says H can stay in her flat for as long as it takes me to feel closer to a decision about the future. Neithrr of us have family anywhere close and I can't think of anyone else he can stay with. B and B will be costly and he may soon have no income. I meed to think whether the offer my friend has made is fair, both for her to stay with me for that long and for H to stay in her flat. I hope that's clearer and you can say what you think.

Can't he stay with family? Or he could stay at her's until he sorts out an alternative.

I wouldn't accept the offer of where he can stay - all seems a bit temporary. Let him sort his own accommodation. His job is not your problem - to put it bluntly. Your friend sounds great though.

Seen your last post - then i would take her upon the Offer for now, yes. But he needs to sort stuff out himself after that.

I personally think you need to go with your gut re. friend. Maybe he needs to make his own arrangements rather than having an easy option presented to him - even if this means it might be more expensive.

IM very humble O I think in your position I would like to have my own house with my dc so I could have space to sort my head out. I love my friends to death and they were very supportive when stbxh walked out on us, but doing it on my own really helped me gain back my confidence and sense of self. Just my experience and opinions.

I think it's too much to ask to be honest. I think a temporary arrangement - one to two weeks at most - until he sorts himself out. Can he not move in with his friends/family/work colleagues.

This is about you love - I'm 54 and have a friends who grew up with a parent who was alcoholic - in their 50's now too, they have no happy memories of their childhoods and it has affected them in all sorts of ways - eating disorders, poor choices of partners, feelings of rejection.

You eldest is 4, there is time to get out of this before it damages your dc and you more. There might be some initial economic pain but that is better than long term emotional pain.

I am so very sorry - I suspect you are closer to my dd's age (16) than mine (54) and I wish I could just envelope you in love and care. You have been incredible in the last 24 hours and if you were my daughter I'd be very very proud of you.

OP - it sounds as though taking your friend up on her offer short term might work until your husband finds out the situation with his job. If he can keep it, then perhaps he can look into finding somewhere else nearby (a room to rent/bedsit) for a couple of months. I am not of the LTB variety - but equally what he did will take a heck of a lot of time and counselling and trust building and alcohol recovery to get over before you should really contemplate letting him back into your home. I just don't think you should rely on your friend for too long as it is a big offer from her and living with other people is hard.

your friend sounds a star. How about talking it through with her again and then accepting her offer for two week, and seeing how it goes? and see how you all feel at the end of that time?

I think that your husband should use that time to look into the chance of renting somewhere cheap, becuase if you and your friend agree that it's time for her to go back to her own home (its hard to be out of your own home!) then you need somewhere else for him to stay. But two weeks is a pretty reasonable compromise and it will really help you to have a good friend around in the evenings.

If he looses his job that will make things harder but it could become very messy if the only place he has to come back to is your own home. Do you have any joint savings he could use?

Remember, this is not your doing!! It is not your doing that the children miss him. It is his, the result of his actions, and they were going to suffer either way - either seeing you beaten up or missing him. Both are shit. I imagine at some point that it will be tempting to soften, specially with the childen, but if (IF) there is any hope at all for the future you can't soften now. He has to do it the hard way, becuase the soft option before (him stopping drinking at your request) did not work. He HAS to take the consequences now in order to take responsibility for his drinking. If he can and does, there would be hope. If not, if he carries on drinking, then Im afraid the future is bleak.

Hi OP I've read your whole thread and think you've done the right thing and got great advice. Not sure what to sat about your H staying at your friends.. It's a kind offer but you might feel the responsibility of turning things back to 'normal' asap, eg; H with you, friend back in her place.
Better if he rented somewhere cheap really.

The main reason I have come on though is that you mentioned your DD crying for her dad. Kids do this and of course it pulls at the heartstrings, but they are just crying for what they know; it doesn't mean that you should stay with your violent husband or that the crying DD will be traumatised if you separate. Chances are she will end up more traumatised if you stay together.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight and are feeling safer now.

I've been popping in and out of this thread all day.
It's lovely of your friend to make the offer, but I really think it's a bad idea, for several reasons:
This kind of makes an assumption that you will take him back - that decision should only be made when and if you're ready. Even then you might decide you don't want to.
Your h needs to sort this for himself so that he understands how serious this all is.
Your friend might be ok with the idea for now, but as the weeks and possibly months wear on, she may want her own space back (everyone likes a bit of time on their own after all).
What if things get a nasty and he moves in, then won't get out? Especially if he gets unpleasant with your friend.... (You wouldn't want her to be in the position you were in.)
I have deliberately not said what my own ideas are on what you should do as you asked for a balanced opinion.
I hope this is helpful.

Hi Need. I'm so so glad your friend has been so helpful and supportive.

Re: her offer to stay and to have your DH stay at her place: I really get it about your fears re: the costs of having him in a hotel. But I think you have to take this bit by bit for now; you don't know enough about how your income and his will work out yet (iirc. you're in a temp. job but might be able to go permanent). So I too think you could take your friend up on her offer, but I would say to her it's only for a week or two, until you know your employment situation and until you see what happens with his re: the possibility of his being fired.

It is a wonderful offer. If you know her well, I think you have to trust that she would not have made it if she didn't mean it. At the same time, I think if you took her up on it for months on end then you would eventually start to feel guilty and pressured (not by her, by your own desire not to put her out) to get things resolved with your DH, and you really need to not rush that resolution, whatever it is.

In a week or two I think you'll know a lot and then you can make a new decision re: living arrangements.

I'm so sorry your DD is sad. Other posters with kids will have good advice on this, I think. I hope she's gone to sleep all right and you're able to get some rest yourself. I and I'm sure the rest of the "night crew" will be around later and I'll be happy to talk if you like. xx.

I think it is unwise to let him crash at her place. What if he gets drunk? Trashes her place? You need this friend, and he may decide to come between you, and living in her home will give him plenty of opportunity to do that.

You have given him several chances already, regards his drinking. He has taken none. He has showed you he does not care what you think about his behaviour, his alcohol consumption. He is a violent alcoholic thug.

If your daughter was old enough, and mature enough to understand what was going on, she would not cry for him to come back. She would cry her bitter tears that she was the reason mum stayed to be a punchbag of an alcoholic.

It is not in her interest to grow up in the dysfunctional family of a violent alcoholic.

Thank you for the views and yes, a couple of weeks while he sorts something else sounds like a good option. It will give time for him to see what happens at work as well as my job interview. I would feel it was too much for my friend any longer and like someone said I need to see I can do it on my own.

I have had texts from H's best friend, H told him what he did and friend is disgusted with him. He says he won't drink with him again.

Trying to go to sleep but mind won't switch off.

I agree, a couple of weeks whilst he sorts things out seems reasonable. But he needs to sort somewhere else out, it can't be two weeks of false-penance and then you end up having to let him back in before you're ready as there's nowhere else for him to go.

Btw I don't think you should be considering counselling with him. You having been punched in the face is not a relationship problem, it's a symptom of (at least) his alcohol problem. I trust he is considering how he handles that.

Hope you have a peaceful evening. So pleased your friend is being supportive. I think you have to trust your instincts with regard to accomodation arrangements.
Sleep well xx

To be honest, I think you need to be firm and tell him you will not live together again until he has dealt with his alcoholism. Anger management and AA. Or something. You need to seem him take action, not just give you remorseful words.

I've been lurking on your thread and just wanted to say I hope you manage to get some rest. Try to take it easy this weekend and take your time making any arrangements necessary. xx

I think it would be wrong for him to stay at your friend's flat for several reasons.

Firstly, it would inconvenience your friend, and however much she said it was fine, you would feel obliged to get her flat back for her asap, so you'd be forced into making a decision about your H before you were ready.

Secondly who's to say he wouldn't get drunk and trash her flat.

Thirdly, it seems odd to reward his behaviour in this way. He punches his wife in the face, and in return he gets a nice flat all to himself, with free and easy access to his kids, and in all likelihood swans back into the family home after he's had his little holiday.

If he wants you to forgive him, he needs to demonstrate some commitment to changing, and that doesn't mean taking a nice easy option where everything falls into his lap.

Six months alcohol free and sorting his life out on his own is the absolute bare minimum he should be doing in my opinion.

He should be looking into renting a bedsit or a room somewhere long term if money is a problem.

Glad even his friend is on your side.

The last 24 hours (not even that!) must have been so stressful, but you have done absolutely the right thing protecting yourself and your children. I'm glad your friend is being so supportive too.

I am not a lawyer, but if your friend lets your H move into her flat (even on an informal basis) there is a risk he could refuse to go (however unlikely) - wouldn't this make him a sitting tenant? Your friend is being incredibly helpful, but she shouldn't take any risks with her own home/security, however unlikely they seem. I would try to keep things separate in your shoes.

you'd be forced into making a decision about your H before you were ready.

^^ this. Have been following the thread. When my ex punched me, I was in a kind of shock for weeks. Thankfully, luckily, he was due to go away for work the very next day, so without having to show the kind of courage you have shown, I got time and space to get over what had happened without him being around to cloud my judgement. If he had been in my face, being all sorry and contrite, I'm not sure I would have been able to resist the pressure to give him another chance, not break up the family etc etc. You don't realise how much you have become conditioned into accepting, supporting & covering for his behaviour until you get a real chance to be away from it.

Stop trying to sort things out for him. Get him out of your friend's flat and find a new normality for yourself and your DC's. You will not believe how wonderful it can be without a man like this around.

Well done for being so brave. Thank God Vicar and others were on here last night .

I would say no to the friend:

1. You are looking after him rather than letting him face his own actions - I know your motivation is the kids but the message you're giving is 'smash my face? I'll soften all consequences and help you even before the bruises have come out. Please please don't do this.
2. By your friend getting involved, it will get messy. And again she's sending the message that she's fine to have an abuser in her home and will even move out to make room for him!
3. 'sides' will happen and chance that your friend will feel sympathy for him , closeness and opportunity for private discussions between them. He ll try and persuade her to be on his side and if he's a typical abuser he ll be really good at this. She ll have a vested interest in you making up and getting her flat back.

I think things will get messy and you may well end up without her friendship. Sorry you may think I'm being harsh on her and maybe I am, but people have peculiar reactions sometimes and you just can't lay yourself open in this way x

Just want to add my two penn'orth into the mix...

It is lovely your friends wants to stay with you - welcome her with open arms, you will need her support more than ever.

Him moving into her place? hmm.. not so sure. It will be a cushty number for him won't it? He knows that you will feel guilty that your friend is giving up her flat, so there will be a kind of "time limit" imposed already. If you feel you just need some time alone, or your friend wants her flat back, the default position will be that he moves back in. Like nothing happened. I think if he moves in there he will not be getting the message at all. He will know deep down that it is only a matter of time before you relent and let him move back home.

Plus, it is putting your friend in an awkward position. Even if she stays with you for the forseeable, it will be nice for her to have her place to go to back to, while you are at work etc. You say she is childless, so she will probably need/desire an outlet for privacy now and then!

Does your dh have parents? Or what about his friend that was disgusted with him? Does he not have a floor he could offer? The whole point of dp moving out is to put some distance between you. His comfort is not your or your friend's concern for now.

It is a very easy deal for H to stay at the friend's, have a break from domestic responsibilities while he gets his story straight for work and then hope to move home looking vaguely contrite. I would limit it to a week, no more with the aim being that he finds his own accommodation in 7 days. He has to see the seriousness of what he has done and experience the feeling of potential homelessness rather than being whisked away into a cosy flat.
You must still be feeling shocked and overwhelmed and full of adrenalin. Be very gentle on yourself while reality sets in over the next few days/weeks.

It's been mentioned about how many MNers you have here, you should know that for everyone who's posted there are many more who have just lurked.

I can't say more than the wonderful people already have.