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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He punched me in the face.

538 replies

NeedAdvice2014 · 12/04/2014 03:35

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 12/04/2014 15:18

to get a caution he would have to have admitted the offence in full.

so i would say the likelihood of a prosecution would have been good. It would also have allowed the setting of bail conditions to allow the op some breathing space and thinking time without him there.

there is no way that cps advice has been sought on this because i know for an absolute fact no cps laywer would have authorised a caution with a willing complainant, a full admission of guilt and a broken nose. This is a first offence against a person, so i cant see him having gotten much in the way of sentencing, but the likelihood is he would have been convicted.

however. IF there is an ulterior motive - ie his job - i can see why a caution might have been considered. i dont agree with it, but i can see why it may have been an option especially if the'victim had a strong opinion on how she wanted him dealt with...

its a very difficult position the OP is in. That said - i dont think she should feel any need to take any responsibility for his actions. he has a problem (alcohol) im not sure sweeping it away with a simple caution is going to address it.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/04/2014 15:20

right....i must go but i will keep checking back op....ive sent you a couple of pms...
i hope you are ok.

NearTheWindymill · 12/04/2014 15:25

Is it a case though of he's been given and caution and it will remain at that providing he behaves himself in relation to the OP. I'd have thought that if he turns up at the family home today, tomorrow or the middle of next week and gets violent or causes any concerns whatsoever it's pretty much curtains for him.

Hopefully he's reasonable enough to realise he's lucky and that he now needs to comply entirely with a peaceful separation that requires his immediate withdrawal from the premises on a permanent basis. Could this not be best for all concerned?

hellymelly · 12/04/2014 15:46

OP you were incredibly strong to call the police. It is very hard to think in a rational way when one is shocked and scared, injured and bleeding. I hope you are getting treatment for your nose, and that you aren't in too much pain. Well done to Vicar and others for the night-time support and help. Sending a virtual hug op, your children have a Mum they can trust to act to keep them safe, you are brilliant.

anniepanniepears · 12/04/2014 15:48

has he came home yet hope ? your safe op

plinkyplonks · 12/04/2014 15:53

OP you were absolutely right to call the police. There is no excuse for what he did - none at all. You didn't do anything to deserve or cause that.

For now you need to keep strong, physically and mentally process and come to terms with what's happened - and hopefully be able to move forward from it.

Stay safe x

Original poster
NeedAdvice2014 · 12/04/2014 16:24

Hi I'm here. Have skimmed most comments so will respond in more detail later. H has been Cautioned, I think this was partly because I said I would be happy with that as an outcome. It doesn't make much difference for his job as everything has to be disclosed. I didn't report him to get the book thrown at him but so he realises the problem and to get help for me so I think the outcome is ok.

He has booked a B and B and gone. He is very remorseful and says he will give me space and whatever I need.

I have been to A and E, nose not broken and had the cut glued.

Not sure what to do on a range of things but not thinking too far ahead right now. Not bothered about what Barbara said, you all answered it better than me and I take the point that what I did was provokation though it doesn't justify the response.

Friend staying as long as I need so will sort DCs and have bath and early night. You are all great, thank you so much.

OP posts:
Wenchelda · 12/04/2014 16:30

So glad you've had your nose looked at. Also glad that your H has left without any further confrontation and that he seems to be willing to do whatever you need/want. Don't let that sway you though (as in, don't think he's sorry enough to let it pass without further action). I don't think you would though - I've been following this thread since early this morning and even through all the pain/shock/sadness, you've known the "right" thing to do, as hard as it's been. Take advantage of your friend saying she will stay and get as much rest as you can tonight. I hope your dcs are ok too x

Logg1e · 12/04/2014 16:40

I am so impressed with you OP, I hope I act with even half of your strength.

Lweji · 12/04/2014 16:45

Take your time.
You will be in shock, of course. But don't try to minimise it as time goes by.
He will probably try to get back, saying he will X and Y. If you are at any point willing to consider it, you really shouldn't take him back without major evidence that he is better. That he has stopped drinking and can handle things without violence. That should be in excess of 6 months, better if more than a year.
But this was his chance, from your OP. And he blew it. So, there must be consequences.
And it shows that he is not capable of long term change. He will crawl back to what he used to be as soon as he can.:(

AveryJessup · 12/04/2014 17:10

'Barbara' is a fuckwit - just ignore that BS. You did not provoke in ANY WAY whatsoever. Angry, messed up people always want to apportion blame to others. You did nothing wrong. Your husband is 100% in the wrong.

Offred · 12/04/2014 17:21

Glad you had it looked at.

No, what you did was not provocation, not at all.

TheOneWithTheHair · 12/04/2014 17:47

Well done op. You need to keep your focus on what you are teaching your children long term. I think you have your priorities right on this point.

CarryOnDancing · 12/04/2014 17:49

You children will so proud of you when they are old enough to appreciate the strength of your actions today. Well done for breaking the cycle and being the parent that every child deserves.

I wish my Mum was as strong as you!

The challenge for your strength now is to keep him out! You can do it! Hold your children close, look at their unmarked skin and breathe in their innocence and dependence on you. You are their hero...and all of ours on MN!!

crispyporkbelly · 12/04/2014 18:10

Space? Tell him to start looking for somewhere else to live.

oldgrandmama · 12/04/2014 18:35

I've been following this thread in absolute horror. You poor girl. You did exactly the right thing and you should be proud of yourself. Don't take any notice of that ignorant 'Barbara', you didn't 'provoke' a punch in the face.

I know you've got a whole lot of thinking to do now, about the future. Sounds like your friend is amazing. So, I might add, are all the MNs who 'held your hand' and looked after you during that long long night. Well done, ladies (and any blokes who posted too).

I am amazed, by the way, that your husband only got a Caution.

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop · 12/04/2014 18:37

Op you've had some amazing advice and some brilliant hand holding on this thread and I am so glad you called the police and went to a&e.

I just wanted to tell you about my dh, las night he came to bed after me waking me up. I got up and went tote toilet, while I was gone he fell asleep covering most of the bed and using my pillows. I roughly ripped it out from under his head and very angrily told him to stay on his side of the bed.

His response was to say 'I'm sorry' as he fell asleep again. This morning he was very very apologetic when I told him what happened (he couldn't remember) and we both laughed about it.

That is normal behaviour, ignore Brenda, you did not provoke him in any way, this is not your fault. Well done on getting him out Thanks

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop · 12/04/2014 18:38

Not Brenda. Barbra!

wellthatsdoneit · 12/04/2014 19:17

You poor girl OP. I'm glad your H is not coming back to the family home at the moment.

You say that you have to think about the consequences on the children if you split, but I also think you have to think about the consequences on the children if you stay together. It's a cycle, and like you say, it needs to be broken.

Wishing you strength - I hope you get some rest x

ohfourfoxache · 12/04/2014 19:36

How are you doing? Thinking of you x

bringbacksideburns · 12/04/2014 20:47

Nothing you did provoked a punch in the face. In any way, shape or form.

NearTheWindymill · 12/04/2014 21:30

I'm an HR Manager. PM me for advice about the interview and to tell me what sort of company it is and your relationship with those will be making final decision.

If you don't get it this time round, perhaps it isn't the end of the world if it gives you time to focus on what you need to do re you and the dc over the next 6-12 months.

Oh love, I hope you are OK and that you have support. Where's your mum? I'm in SW London if you need a hug - posh cow - but caring.

Thanks
Original poster
NeedAdvice2014 · 12/04/2014 21:31

Hi checking in. Doing ok I think though the shock is starting to register. DC1 got upset at bedtime wanting daddy which was hard. She spoke to him in the phone and I talked after, he is incredibly sorry and asked for another chance. I said I needed time and sleep.

H thinks he will lose his job, the police have informed his employers so he needs to talk first thing Monday. I used to work there and am in a related field so there is a good chance lots of people will know.

Please can I ask for some further advice, I could do with some unclouded opinions. My friend who us here has offered to stay indefinitely and says H can stay in her flat during that time, for months if needed. This would mean he would be near enough to see DCs and do school runs etc when needed and is the least costly option I can think of. Bit is that too much for her to have offered and should I say thank you but no? She has been great today and lots of other times in the past and I don't want ti take the piss. I would really welcome your views on this.

Once again and repeatedly, thank you. I never appreciated before this what support strangers on the internet can be. Thanks

OP posts:
thenightsky · 12/04/2014 21:34

I yank at DH's pillows at least 4 times a night for the crime of snoring. He just mumbles sorry and rolls over. A punch right in the face is about a million times wrong Shock

No way, no how is it your fault in any way shape or form OP.

JoshandJamie · 12/04/2014 21:35

while it is very kind of your friend to offer, personally I think it would put a strain on the friendship and you will need this friend. Can your husband not find somewhere else to stay? I don't mean getting you as a 'family' in debt but does he not have someone he can turn to. Surely this is his problem to solve, not yours.