DP doesn't like dd (8)

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Last night he went off on one saying she's spoilt, rude, acts inappropriately (knows he gets embarrassed by ladies underwear, so pointed out a mannequin in Ann summers shop window and giggled; his point is she shouldn't do that because his parents were there ) having lunch in a pub she went to climb over him rather than ask him to move his chair, she was trying to get to his brother to show him minecraft on my phone.
Later that evening, about 7.45 pm we'd all just got back from the day put so I'd shoved an oven pizza in then went upstairs to put (bf) baby to bed. I asked dp to sit with her while she ate (rest of family in lounge) all ok.
Later that night dp tells me dd was rude when he asked how she wanted it cutting up, she was snappy and said along the lines of 'I don't care, just give me it'
Granted that was rude. When I questioned her next day her excuse was she was tired and really didn't mind how it was cut. Admits she shouldn't have snapped.
What now? On one hand I want us to try and be a good family, dp and I do work well as a team (except when it comes to dd )
But I can tell dd is far from happy with how dp can be.
Sometimes I think we'd be better off without dp and his moods
Wwyd?

I think DP has to forge his own relationship with DD and be a parent. 8yo DCs can be rude. If my DS is rude to me, I deal with it there and than rather than telling his Dad at some later stage. How much time do they spend together just the two of them? How well do they know each other? Are you comfortable with the idea of DP telling your DD off? Would you support him if he did so?

OTOH if DP is 'moody'... are you saying he is unreasonable in other regards?

FGS, she's 8, he sounds like an old grump nit picker, with his own child too, he's the one who needs to behave.

I think it's time for a family summit. House rules all agreed to and all designed by the family.

Everyone sticks or is 'judged' by them. Him too. If you don't see an improvement you might have to get rid. She's 8. If you think he's picking on her not parenting her it's a big red flag.

It sounds as though he doesn't parent her and then moans to you later. More like an older sibling than a dad. Why isn't he being her father?

Has it always been this way? Sounds like parenting classes might be in order for him.

He gets embarrassed by ladies underwear? Sorry, how old is he? 13?

She is a typical 8 year old and I think he needs to learn how to parent her and build a relationship with her.

When they're alone they get on fine apparently.
I try to orchestrate this but doesn't happen often.

In case I wasn't clear, she's not his daughter. Her father does nt want to know her

I think your DP is the one who needs an attitude shift, not your DD. This all sounds pretty normal behaviour for an 8 year old.

I would be having a talk with him, it sounds like she is responding to how he treats her and it does sound like a sibling relationship. Him running to you tell you something really trivial (pizza issue)

Your daughter is going no where and if he cannot handle an 8 year old child then he should leave.

I think they need some DD and Dad time quite honestly. When DS was 8 we joined cubs, for example. And I say 'we' deliberately because I volunteered as a leader. We get along fine as it is but we had a lot of fun going to the meetings together and various camping trips etc. Put the ball in his court, therefore. His job to find some regular activity that he and DD can call their own.

How quickly did he move in? Is it possible he moves out until he is ready to be a parent? Is he very young?

As others are saying the issue is your DP not your dd.

We only moved in together last summer. He's 42! His excuse for not having more time is exams (v important work stuff) he needs to study for.

Does he want to be her "Dad"?
It doesn't sound like it. If he does then he needs to act like an adult in interactions with her.
How does she respond to being told "Speak politely please." Which is what I would have done. A few children will have a meltdown over that, but from what you have said it doesn't sound as if she is one.

So it seems so far as if he has the problem.

.....acts inappropriately (knows he gets embarrassed by ladies underwear, so pointed out a mannequin in Ann summers shop window and giggled; his point is she shouldn't do that because his parents were there..

Amateur psych but it doesn't sound as if he likes women very much. He's had a child with you (yes?) and moved in with a woman with a daughter but he's nervous and uncomfortable with a little girl?

dp and I do work well as a team (except when it comes to dd...

But surely she is the most important element of your teamwork? For the moment your baby might not consciously notice the tension, but your 8 year old will.

My impression is that this will only get worse as she moves into adolescence. It's not clear whether he is discomfited or resentful or simply wants women kept in their place, but I wouldn't want to be your DD.

Your title tells far more than the rest of your post

Why on earth did you have a child with a man who doesn't like your first child? That said, i repeat comment re parenting classes. If you didn't have another child together I would say Ltb.

I'm afraid my crystal ball predicts that this won't last the course. He sounds selfish and childish.

Sorry.

Being irritable with your DD is not the same as not liking her.

Has he actually said he doesn't like her?

Does he ever demonstrate affection/love/pride towards her?

If her perception is that he hates her, then you have a real problem here and it's with DP.

He sounds childish himself.

How long did dd know him before he moved in?

She thinks he doesn't like her.
He does say he cares for her and will try and do nice things for her (usual buying a little gift)
Before I got pregnant with DS, he made much more effort with dd, fixed her bike, got out kids movies for them to watch.
He blows hot and cold. It's so hard to judge what mood he'll be in.

Do you think he understands how serious this is?

It seems to me that if he doesn't make more of an effort, and your dd continues to feel this way, then you are in a position where you have to decide between the welfare of your DD and your relationship.

Buying gifts is not showing affection

Why on earth would you live with someone who doesn't like your child? Your poor dd.

I'll reiterate - for a grown man to be embarrassed by ladies' underwear suggests an ingrained fear of women as real people rather than superficial child-bearing devices.

And now he has a DS.

And of course he made more effort before you were pregnant.

He blows hot and cold. It's so hard to judge what mood he'll be in. What was your life with your DD like before you moved in with him?