DP doesn't like dd (8)

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Last night he went off on one saying she's spoilt, rude, acts inappropriately (knows he gets embarrassed by ladies underwear, so pointed out a mannequin in Ann summers shop window and giggled; his point is she shouldn't do that because his parents were there ) having lunch in a pub she went to climb over him rather than ask him to move his chair, she was trying to get to his brother to show him minecraft on my phone.
Later that evening, about 7.45 pm we'd all just got back from the day put so I'd shoved an oven pizza in then went upstairs to put (bf) baby to bed. I asked dp to sit with her while she ate (rest of family in lounge) all ok.
Later that night dp tells me dd was rude when he asked how she wanted it cutting up, she was snappy and said along the lines of 'I don't care, just give me it'
Granted that was rude. When I questioned her next day her excuse was she was tired and really didn't mind how it was cut. Admits she shouldn't have snapped.
What now? On one hand I want us to try and be a good family, dp and I do work well as a team (except when it comes to dd )
But I can tell dd is far from happy with how dp can be.
Sometimes I think we'd be better off without dp and his moods
Wwyd?

glucose, there's nothing wrong with simply telling a child not to be rude, is there? I certainly wasn't suggesting the kid get a good hiding.

I would think that with a partner that is not her father, a new baby on the scene, the child needs some stability and reassurance. If you are making a family unit with this man, he needs to be ACTIVELY involved with both of the children. Not telling tales - your DD knows what he is doing, and it's not doing her any good.

Counselling...parenting books...for goodness sake use common sense talk to children in a way they understand, and don't have shove ADULT expectations on 8 years olds. OP has made a serious error letting this man with limited social skills into her poor DDS life. OP has no respect for her DD at all.

OP may go through another 3-4 types of these DP providing stability and discipline for her DD with a new sibling each time. When she realised the 8 DD father was feckless, OP had a responsibility to her daughter to make a better judgement next time and choose an adult male, not this child who doesn't respect the daughter. He has not introduced stability. Two parents do not equal stability.

Well said glucose

Some of the idiots on this thread are shocking - thankfully there are a few posters that are not hysterical.

Op sorry that your dds father doesn't have anything to do with her. There are some good suggestions on here about setting good roles in family dynamics.

What glucose said.

We've discussed behaviour things before and I've explained to him about nipping things in the bud calmly but firmly, he tends to let things go for a while then get angry and overreact
I've brought her up very differently from his own 'Victorian' upbringing.
She is included in conversations, encouraged to have an opinion on things. She knows that ultimately I make the decisions however I will take on board her view on stuff. Dp seems to agree with this in theory but then will switch into 'do as I say not as I do' mode
It's a massive adjustment for all of us, I just want to try and get it right.
I don't want her to grow up hating him, I'm just not sure how to work it all out.
I think the talk, then a time limit for review will be the best option.
And yes, to those who say we rushed things, if you could bottle hindsight you'd be rich! I'm looking for advice on how to move forward, not what I should have (or not) done.

I don't get this, I've read posts on the step-parenting forum about struggling to get along with DSC and the reaction is not the same as that on this thread towards OP's partner's behaviour.

So he got irritated because she was rude to him and mentioned it to you and not even in her presence? Yes, 8yo children can be little horrors but that doesn't mean you have to like it.

If you genuinely believed he didn't like her, I would say end the relationship but otherwise, I think these issues can be solved. If he has 'moods', has he been to his GP perhaps?

It's really not helpful to tell the OP she's fucked up by letting him move in. We don't know how long they've been together prior to that. More to the point, he's there now so it's moot.

How old is the baby, OP? Have things been shaky since then?

You say he had a very strict upbringing. Maybe before he was trying to be Disney Dad and now that he has a child of his own, he has to be more of an authority?

How is your DD with the baby?

There's lots of variables here before everyone starts crying LTB.

Sounds like you have brought her up to be mature and confident. I don't think I encouraged my DCs to have an opinion on things much at 8, though no doubt I prob should have, but that just demonstrates different parenting styles, which is what you have with your DP.

Perhaps if it was just you and DD for a number of years she has been used to contributing more than is expected by DP with his upbringing.

I doubt she will grow up hating him, we had blazing rows with DCs at varying times and don't think I worried about them hating me. DCs don't really expect their parents to be perfect. Best thing would be DP and DD finding shared hobbies or interests so they spend quality time together, what would DP want to introduce her to?

But he does need to fake it till he makes it and appear to enjoy DDs company, after a while it will come naturally I'm sure.

Am I alone in thinking 8 is old enough to be able to cut up your own pizza and he was antagonizing her by babying her?

Climbing over people - sounds a bit strange if they really don't get on. That's the kind of thing a child does with an adult they're comfortable with, who doesn't mind being on 'climbing frame' duties. Eight is a bit old for it though.

OP, you're saying yourself that he blows hot and cold and you never know what mood he is going to be in, as well as saying that even though you've discussed with him how you've raised her so far, he tends to do things much differently and then blow up as a result.

This has to be confusing and difficult for an 8yo to adjust to, when she's been used to a different dynamic from you so far. I have to agree that a parenting course for him would be helpful, as well as some time doing something of interest together (as long as your DD is willing).

But keep an eye on this OP, because IMO he's being unreasonable expecting the 8yo to do the major adjusting in the relationship, when anyone with common sense should know the adult should be doing the bulk of it. SHE didn't just join your family, HE did. HE is the one that needs to take on board the suggestions and try to fit in somewhat, rather than expecting a child to change to suit him. He sounds like he is acting very childish in all this.

I don't understand - why are you with someone who doesn't like your daughter?

Finish it with him.

Or I promise you - 100% promise you - you will permanently damage your relationship with your daughter.

Poor kid. She's so much more important than him. It's her life, one life, one childhood.

The 3 of us are going to have a talk

Just a suggestion that you talk to your DD separately first. She may feel a bit ganged up on or intimidated in what might seem to be a "united front" against her IYSWIM. I know you won't be going in to it that way, but you're not 8, so you can look at it just a bit more logically (and from more life experience) than she can. She may feel like she is being blamed for the whole dynamic.

Yes. I'll make sure she knows that it's not 2 against one.

I'm going to throw a curveball here and suggest some total immersion therapy. Joey & Janice's Day of Fun as it were. DP and DD should go off for a weekend (not with other people) and leave you for a break with the baby. They need to develop a vocabulary that is acceptable to both of them and really make an effort to get to know each other. They can draw up a contract of sorts before, test it while there and adjust it later. If they did it by public transport there would be some good problem solving team building activities involved too, he could put her in charge of different tasks etc.

8 year olds can be obnoxious. I don't doubt for a minute that your DD can really push your DP's buttons.

However, she is 8. She is a child. And a young one not even close to being an adult or capable of behaving like an adult.

Your DP is a grown man in his 40s. He is old enough to know that in a relationship problem between adult and child, it is the adult who has to take responsibility for making changes, often keeping it up for quite some time before they see any discernible change in the behaviour of the child.

If your DP cannot recognise that and make the effort to do it, I'd seriously question whether he should be your DP at all. He is entitled to be frustrated about it (especially given that it may be more complicated because DD is not his child), to find it difficult, to ask for help. But it is not ok to blame the problem on DD and absolve all responsibility by claiming she needs to change without any corresponding effort on his part.

Agree with independent about the pizza. Is it possible he winds her up and then complains when she gets annoyed? Have you seen any other examples of this kind of thing? If done cleverly, it can look like the perpetrator is "just trying to help". Not saying it is this for a minute, but it might be worth thinking about.

Is there somebody else that she can talk to, a grandparent? I think if you sit her down together she may just say what you want to hear.

I agree that he needs to be the grown up, not her. I would also be worried about the repeated talks about how to handle it which end with him acting completely differently, and the blowing hot and cold things is absolutely not ok.

Why should an eight year old have to cope with that? And how can an eight year old understand the motivations and meaning behind it?

Personally if someone blows hot and cold to me I distance myself, as I wouldn't want someone to keep hurting me, which is what happens when you are on tenterhooks hoping its the hot today not the cold, and trying to jolly someone into being nice to me... Why does he (& you maybe?) think this is something an eight year old should accept and acquiesce to in her own home?

Is there parenting classes locally for your dp? I don't think your daughter sounds like hard work. I have an 8 year old and she is a joy and I'm sure yours is the same. They are spreading wings a bit and trying out different behaviours.

It is up to me and her dad to guide and love and give security to our daughter. I've found behaviour only plays up if love and attention is in short supply.

I wouldn't involve your daughter in any discussions. If her behaviour is playing up then address that but do not make the relationship with your partner something for her to consider.

I wonder if you and dp might really benefit from parenting classes.

So at 42, you are his first major relationship?

Has it not dawned on you that there's a good reason for that?

Sorry but this man is the worst kind of man for your family. His whole being goes against the very grain of the way your family is set up.

Any man who treated my son like this'd be out the door.

You made a huge mistake having a child with him. And before you lived together too! If you'd have seen how he was day in day out with your dd, only then would you have had a bit of a clue as to who he really was. He's not going to be a good dad, and already is a pisspoor step dad.

The only thing you can do is damage limit.

Put your children first.

If you and him have a conversation with her, she will see it as ganging up.

You talk to him about his behaviour wrt your dd, manage his expectations and then see if you can repair the damaged he's already done.

Living with someone who hates you is corrosive. Sort it now, or that poor child's going to have her life ruined, worse, if she chooses to kick off when her hormones kick in...