DP doesn't like dd (8)

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Last night he went off on one saying she's spoilt, rude, acts inappropriately (knows he gets embarrassed by ladies underwear, so pointed out a mannequin in Ann summers shop window and giggled; his point is she shouldn't do that because his parents were there ) having lunch in a pub she went to climb over him rather than ask him to move his chair, she was trying to get to his brother to show him minecraft on my phone.
Later that evening, about 7.45 pm we'd all just got back from the day put so I'd shoved an oven pizza in then went upstairs to put (bf) baby to bed. I asked dp to sit with her while she ate (rest of family in lounge) all ok.
Later that night dp tells me dd was rude when he asked how she wanted it cutting up, she was snappy and said along the lines of 'I don't care, just give me it'
Granted that was rude. When I questioned her next day her excuse was she was tired and really didn't mind how it was cut. Admits she shouldn't have snapped.
What now? On one hand I want us to try and be a good family, dp and I do work well as a team (except when it comes to dd )
But I can tell dd is far from happy with how dp can be.
Sometimes I think we'd be better off without dp and his moods
Wwyd?

What do you get out of this relationship with such an individual now?. Him and his accompanying moods?.

He moved in last summer and you already have a baby together?. Do you think that this was all far too much and far too soon looking back in hindsight?.

This is also very telling:-
"Before I got pregnant with DS, he made much more effort with dd, fixed her bike, got out kids movies for them to watch"

So now he has his feet firmly under the table with you he no longer makes an effort. You are likely seeing what his true nature is now. He sounds like a crap example of a stepfather to your 8 year old. He probably also prefers "his" child to your DD as well. His actions too could well have long term implications for the state of the relationship between DD and her younger sibling.

I would also state that buying gifts is not showing her affection.

I think your 8 year old is very perceptive; she knows all too well that this man does not like her.

To be honest 8 year olds can be really irritating.
He made more effort before, now he doesn't feel the need to. It may not be that he doesn't like her but he certainly doesn't seem desperate to improve his relationship with her, only to complain about it.

So your problem is a man who just isn't that interested in your child, who blows hot and cold and ith whom you sem unable to discuss this at all. And with whom you have now had another child.

I think you need to convey to him that you are extremely bothered by this and need to resolve it.

How awful that he's stopped making an effort with your daughter now he thinks he's there for good, having got you up the duff. This must have made you change your opinion of him? She sounds like a perfectly normal kid, he sounds irritable and pathetic (underwear?! FGS! He must have seen ruder than that given he's a father. How does he cope with laundry?)

How long have you actually been together? Did you move in together because you got pregnant?

"Sometimes I think we'd be better off without dp and his moods", "He blows hot and cold." How exactly is an 8 year old expected to have the resilience to cope with this kind of crap from her only father figure?

"...she went to climb over him rather than ask him to move his chair..."
"...she was snappy and said along the lines of 'I don't care, just give me it..."

He may be a grump who doesn't understand 8 year old children and their ways, and his embarrassment over the lingerie is odd, but these behaviours were rude IMO, sorry. Is this typical of her or were they one offs?

He knew you came as a package so he needs to honour that. He needs to treat both of your children equally regardless of the fact that one is not biologically. He loves his own child unconditionally but it seems that your dd has conditions attached to her 'love'.

You are responsible for her and you do not want her growing up feeling inferior or resenting you so do try to sort this soon.

And tell your dh all children are rude/annoying/etc at some point.

He blows hot and cold? No wonder she's arsey with him. She will never know whether she's coming or going when it comes to him. She will have noticed he doesn't bother anymore too. He sounds like a wet fish as well. Can't look at women's underwear? What does he do when he sees what's under the underwear?! Dearie me.

He is 42 he has just fathered a child but has had to hit the ground running with your DD who is well out of infancy.

Either he is adopting the natural world's big cats' "new mate eats cubs from former relationship" strategy, or he is voicing reasonable objections to cheeky behaviour.

DD is not an encumbrance. She has had to accept him and now a baby sibling. Babies are cute and 8 year olds have their work cut out keeping the adults around them as entranced let alone when the dad figure finds her annoying. If she hasn't had her bio father in her life it must be a big adjustment to have DP around.

I think adults forget how powerful they are. If he is like this now how is your DD going to feel, under his watchful eye. If she hasn't twigged already she will realise he's telling tales on her. I should think you are feeling stuck in the middle but who's the child here?

When you mentioned moods is that a hint there have been other hiccups?

Children are children, grown ups are supposed to be grown up.
Personally, my DC would always come first. 8 isn't very old. Your DP sounds selfish and immature.
Poor kid.

As she's not his child do you 'allow' him to discipline her or is it all expected to go through you.

I think your DD sounds very difficult OP, I would be shocked to be spoken to like that and I wouldn't be impressed with being climbed over either.

You and DP need to be on the same page with this and to have the same standards and expect them. It sounds like you are making excuses for her poor behaviour.

Exactly -The woman they call Jane - I was going to ask that. If she does not 'allow' him to discipline the child, she can hardly say anything when he calls the girl spoilt. She does sound rather rude. Tired or not she should not have answered like that. Appalling.

Mind you, laughing at undies -that is a typical child. Even if it was in front of his parents (I think). Kids do think that is funny. My Godson went to the front door with y fronts on his head. I admit his mum seemed concerned about it but I was laughing along 'panty head, panty head!'

If my DP didn't like my 8 year old, I think I might go off DP.

She didn't act inappropriately the underwear thing is exactly like I would have expected an 8 year to act.

Why did he have to ask her how to cut her pizza? Is she fussy? Mine just get it cut and stuck in front of them. To be honest they wouldn't care either. She may have said it snappily but I wouldn't care either especially at the end of a long day.

She shouldn't have tried to climb over him. Either you or him should have pulled her up on that there and then.

Can you say more about his 'moods' and how DD is unhappy? I would also like to know his definition of spoilt.

I am assuming he is her step parent? I think some of his behaviour is a but odd and could escalate if you are not careful, such as being so harsh about a little girl's joke with him (which doesn't sound rude or cheeky to me) Is he often nasty and dismissive of her in other contexts such as when she plays or has an opinion? I ask this because these things are very damaging and need to be looked out for. Why is he so weird about underwear and stuff like her climbing on him? I'm not saying he should allow this, but his reaction seems a bit off and would be a potential red flag for me.

Whatever the reasons you need to nip this nastiness in the bud, sharpish also stop him telling tales on dd to you eg the pizza. You don't want the situation where your dd feels like you are turning against her too.

"He blows hot and cold. It's so hard to judge what mood he'll be in."

Bit of a red flag here... is he like this with you too?

Oh dear, I don't think I could stay with someone who didn't like my dc.

I think your DD's behaviour isn't beyond reproach but neither would mine be if I had to live with someone who was regularly moody with me, told tales and - to my mind - didn't like me.

He sounds a real pain in the ass to deal with - a third child essentially - with blowing hot and cold and being embarrassed about women's underwear.

Your DD has no choice, but you do.

I don't understand why he isn't just telling her off when she is rude to him. All children are rude sometimes. They try to push the boundaries and we as parents teach them what to do and what not to do.

She needs to know where the line is with him, she needs to know that he will parent her, that he won't let her be rude. Does he tell her off? Or does he just come running to you to tell tales?

I think you need to sort this out now before your DP's behaviour and attitude damage your DD. I realise that's probably why you are posting. Can you sit him down when you have enough time without the DCs and explain what he is doing. Give yourself a time limit, if his attitude towards DD hasn't improved by X amount of time after the talk then I would be reconsidering this whole relationship. Please put your daughter first.

Of course she thinks he doesn't like her. You said so in your OP so you must think it too.

Buying her gifts is not the way to go even if it did work.

He needs to realise what children are like otherwise he is in for a shock.

He is being pathetic over underwear pictures and I am sure his parents are aware that there are photos of half dressed people in the world and that 8 year olds are sometimes a bit silly.

You sound fed up with him as well so goodness knows how your child feels.

Hang on people.. I can see another point of view.i took on a nine year old Sd and she was a proper little madam. Knew exactly what she was doing and behaved very differently when Daddy was around.I didn't react well at all at first..never had kids of my own so no experience.So sometimes I would complain to Dh etc which I now know was pathetic.But we all persevered and hung on in there and learnt to be a family. because no matter how much you love your partner , it is not a case of instant love with their children.Happily that was 16 years ago and we are all really close but if I'm honest I admit I didn't like her at first. Now I'm not saying that's going to happen in OPs case but just saying its not necessarily a sign things can never work.

This is why I stay single and any byf separate issue. Only decent male role models allowed...your poor dad, both you an dp didn't think this through

If DP has never had experience of children then normal behavior can seem disrespectful. He seems to complain to you OP about DD and what she has done. Do you allow him to discipline her? Or is she huffy if it comes from him. How is he supposed to know how to deal with this not having learned the skills as she grows??

Perhaps her behavior is slightly worse or, at least, more attention seeking due to new baby. He needs some help to understand how to deal with DD - books on child rearing might be a start and possibly some information on child development from maybe a counselor or something. Also DD's behaviour might be affected by the lack of contact with bio DF. Again some sensible information for DP is required.

Also he needs to realize how important his relationship with her is to her development, again no reason why he should understand this. But I'm sure they could have a lovely relationship if he had a clue how to go about it. Counselling prob the answer.

Discipline? Who are you people? Do your poor poor children get any positive interaction with you? Or are you too busy setting rules?