DP doesn't like dd (8)

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Last night he went off on one saying she's spoilt, rude, acts inappropriately (knows he gets embarrassed by ladies underwear, so pointed out a mannequin in Ann summers shop window and giggled; his point is she shouldn't do that because his parents were there ) having lunch in a pub she went to climb over him rather than ask him to move his chair, she was trying to get to his brother to show him minecraft on my phone.
Later that evening, about 7.45 pm we'd all just got back from the day put so I'd shoved an oven pizza in then went upstairs to put (bf) baby to bed. I asked dp to sit with her while she ate (rest of family in lounge) all ok.
Later that night dp tells me dd was rude when he asked how she wanted it cutting up, she was snappy and said along the lines of 'I don't care, just give me it'
Granted that was rude. When I questioned her next day her excuse was she was tired and really didn't mind how it was cut. Admits she shouldn't have snapped.
What now? On one hand I want us to try and be a good family, dp and I do work well as a team (except when it comes to dd )
But I can tell dd is far from happy with how dp can be.
Sometimes I think we'd be better off without dp and his moods
Wwyd?

Another who agrees you've made a massive error of judgment here.

I suspect he doesn't like kids at all, or at least not ones who aren't biologically his. He made a show of liking your DD long enough to get his feet under the table with you. Now you've had his baby, he doesn't need to pretend or make an effort with her, because he has a nice, shiny, new baby .

My DCs are a pain a lot of the time, but I'm their mum and I'm allowed to think that. I'd cut off any friend who admitted to not liking my DC, without a backward glance. I certainly wouldn't tolerate it in a partner.

I fear for how this will affect your DD if you stick with this idiot. Damage limitation, as suggested, may well be the way to go. However, like a lot of women I suspect you will put not rocking the boat/hanging onto a man above the needs of your DC.

Do we know enough about DP to decide he is a bad choice?

I fear for how this will affect your DD if you stick with this idiot. Damage limitation, as suggested, may well be the way to go. However, like a lot of women I suspect you will put not rocking the boat/hanging onto a man above the needs of your DC.

I agree, sadly.

I agree with the husband, she is abrat who needs a slap on the arse

Good grief! I've posted a few times about how my dd is with her step dad (my dh) however he has remained steadfast and committed to us and whilst dd is difficult he appreciates she is a child and he is an adult.
Tbh if he has let in he's embarrassed by ladies underwear at 42 then he deserves all the ribbing!

He needs to except that dd will not always be perfect and shes not a robot.

I feel sorry for your dd, having someone live with her and father her sibling who evidently doesn't have much affection for her.

SP-ing is hard, but you either try to be a friend, being nice to the DSCs or you try to be a parent. It seems that he's being neither.

Fwiw, my DP has had words about my DCs' behaviour in the past and I've had words about his. We both feel comfortable telling the others' DCs to stop doing something if they're being silly or to stop being rude or moany, but his comes with lots of affection too.

In fact he stepped in an resolved a dispute between me and teenage ds1 which resulted in DS telling me he loved me for the first time ever last night! If DP was making things worse rather than better then I'm afraid he wouldn't be here.

Your DP needs to decide if he's going to be nice or parental, he can't choose stroppy and picky without taking any responsibility. Your dd will end up resenting him, her sibling and you for allowing this to happen in her home.

I do think many posters are making big assumptions here. OP hasn't given more away about him than he hasn't much parenting experience beyond his own stuffy upbringing, that he hasn't got the hang of her parenting style yet and that he and DD don't seem to have had much chance to get to know each other on their own yet.
Knowing how to deal with kids doesn't come instantly so as long as he respects that his received views may not work, pass him a few relaxed parenting books that point out what to do when kids answer back (ignore), swear (ignore) and how to slyly manipulate them into being more positive the way the rest of us do.

Thanks everyone. Had a mammoth talk with dp last night and we concluded the main problem is his underlying anger he's been carrying around for years. Definitely has issues from his past which need addressing.
No parenting classes available locally, any suggestions about parenting books? Something concise. Thanks

this one has been useful to friends I have in understanding how different children (and people) express and perceive love differently, if expressing love is the issue.

The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton (pricey on Amazon so look for alternative supplier). Should be illuminating for DP and it might help him with DS eventually too.

He might get something out of The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene. Although your Dd might not be explosive, it shows how most squabbles with kids are due to kids lacking certain skills at the time and adults misinterpreting it as wilful bad behaviour. It might also help him identify which emotional resilience skills he is lacking and how he can learn them. 2 birds with 1 stone...?

He needs to move out until he resolves these issues. seriously.

Your child is living with a man that has an anger that is being irrationally taken out on her, and you are trying to placate everyone here.

he's NOT someone you should have in your home.

He needs a motivation to get himself healthy. enabling him by allowing him to stay, while your DD is being harmed by it won't work.

VEry unhealthy dynamic for your children here. sorry. :(

Ask yourself, would your household be a happier one if your DP was not there....?

until OP said he had anger issues where was the evidence of that?

In the OP, 'moody' fourth post 'blows hot and cold', fifth post 'gets angry and overreacts'

It's there if you know what you're seeing. Stories like this are common to Relationships.

He needs to move out and fix himself then for this 8 year old girls sake.

She should not have to live with a man with anger issues.

I get angry and overreact sometimes though, I still love my DC and we have a good relationship on the whole. Depression in particular causes mood swings and no one gets flamed for that generally.

I don't know I have mixes feelings reading this. I think a lot of assumptions have been made here.

I have an 8 year old ds and I thi k the dd's behaviour was rude and trust me my 8 year old does rude pretty well.
Then the op goes on to describe how she has brought dd up to converse with adults and to hold her own opinions as have I to an extent but it also made me think of my ex's now 11 year old step dd. Her and her mum had been on her own for a long time and the dd if I'm honest was a horror to be around. She had been treated too much like an adult and to be confident around adults but was actually pretty mouthy and rude.

I have read that the dp believes he has issues from his own past and it's good that he recognises them. But I do think there has been a bit of over reaction on this thread and also agree that in the step parenting section would have got a whole heap of different answers.

I am a mum and a step mum and I found the transition easier than exh did. His ds is older than my oldest and he was babied and had much less expected of him than dd did because it is harder to have this fully formed person in front of you than having that same child from baby hood. Exh had always done things for dss but when he met dd some of them she was capable of doing for herself. So it can be hard to find your feet when it comes to parenting an older child than one that your parenting style has grown with.

My DH is angry, over reacts, and can be selfish.
He can also be kind, thoughtful, supportive.

And what I post on MN about him depends on what mood he is in and what mood I am in.

"He is not to come into your bedroom in the morning"
"He should knock first"
"Or if we are not awake he should go downstairs and wait until we get up"
"I'm watching the telly he should be quiet,I don't want to hear his noise" he was always picking on ds for minor things.

Ds was six at the time and each time I tried to discuss him being like this he would tell me "I don't want to discuss it end of"
I got rid of him as I couldn't live on egg shells with his up and down moods towards ds and he wasn't ds father and he didn't live with is he used to stay over now again and he wanted to insert rules onto ds. " why are you kissing him all the time,stop kissing him"
He is my child and I can kiss him if I want to. He was jealous of our relationship and trying to put a wedge between us. It would of been damaging to ds to carry the relationship on.
Op is in a difficult position but must put dd first if do does not change his behaviour very soon after they have had the talk.