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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just thrown a glass at me

42 replies

Noseypoke · 08/04/2014 23:38

He was given 2 £20 bottles of wine by a client tonight.

We drank one with our dinner. At 11pm he appeared in the living room having opened the second. Bear in mind we are both working tomorrow and DH has to drive our two kids half an hour to my parents and then to work.

I was not best pleased and started saying what a waste it was, he should have saved it until the weekend and if he drank more than one glass he was not to drive the kids.

He said it was his to do with what he liked and how dare I tell him what to do, and asked what I had been smoking.

I said I was the one who should be asking what he was on, at which point he threw his glass of wine at me.

The background is that we were supposed to be having a period of abstinence as DH just does not know where to stop when it comes to wine.

He's currently in the kitchen holding his head in his hands having cleared up the glass.

I've been looking up AA meetings.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Noseypoke · 08/04/2014 23:38

Neither of us take any drugs btw.

OP posts:
BitsinTatters · 08/04/2014 23:41

Advice?

Tell him to not drink or leave

Are you ok ?

Minime85 · 08/04/2014 23:44

hope u are OK. that sounds very serious to me. if u are in danger contact the police. it sounds like your dh needs some professional help

Anomaly · 08/04/2014 23:45

Tell him to leave. Call the police or women's aid if you can't face that. He clearly has a drink problem and you can't do anything about it. He has to want to stop drinking. Don't whatever you do comfort him he is not the victim here no matter how much he holds his head in his hands.

independentfriend · 08/04/2014 23:47

Leave him to bear the "natural consequences" of his actions; either he gets a taxi/bus/train with the children in the morning/to work or wherever else he's going, or you report him to the police for driving while over the limit. He gets to explain why he hasn't driven/has the inconvenience of not having use of the car for the day.

And think about whether you want a husband who throws things at you. What do you get out of the relationship that makes staying worthwhile? [bear in mind numerous mumsnet threads that are clear that throwing things around the house = abusive, and can be a precursor to being violent towards a partner].

sandgrown · 08/04/2014 23:49

No real advice just empathy as my DP can never just have a glass of wine! Sounds like he knew he should stop as he has to drive tomorrow but did not like being reminded of his inability to stop drinking. My DP often becomes arsey when questioned about the amount he has drunk. I soon realised no point in buying nice wine because he just quaffs it and I only get one glass. Also embarrassing when we go out with friends because he is always refilling his glass so I feel guilty if we are splitting the bill. Never acceptable to throw a glass at you though. Think there is a special support group for partners of heavy drinkers. Best of luck x

Original poster
Noseypoke · 09/04/2014 00:19

I'm fine. All calm. We're both in bed.

He says he doesn't want to go to AA, but I'd going to give up drinking on his own. Well see.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noseypoke · 09/04/2014 00:20

*is

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 09/04/2014 00:29

^He was given 2 £20 bottles of wine by a client tonight.

We drank one with our dinner. At 11pm he appeared in the living room having opened the second.

I was not best pleased and started saying what a waste it was, he should have saved it until the weekend and if he drank more than one glass he was not to drive the kids.^

You are sending out mixed messages. It is apparently okay to drink one bottle of wine when it suits you (even when you have both agreed to abstain) but YOU get to say what is acceptable and what is not.

I don't condone the throwing of a glass at all, but you need to reflect on your own controlling behaviour (and the mixed messages) whilst you analyse his unacceptable actions.

IMO, you are both culpable of bad behaviour tonight.

sadwidow28 · 09/04/2014 00:30

Italic fail !

SolidGoldBrass · 09/04/2014 00:38

Don't make AA attendance the deal-breaker, as AA is useless (highest relapse rate of any alcoholism treatment/dodgy ethics). He definitely shouldn't have thrown a glass at you but sadwidow does have a point about mixed messages.

However, is he generally a decent partner? Does he do his share of domestic work and childcare, is he generally good company? Or is the problem more to do with him being selfish and abusive?

whatdoesittake48 · 09/04/2014 06:20

AA may or may not be useful - but the point is that agreeing to go is an indication to the OP that her husband has accepted he has a problem. Other than seeing the doctor, AA is one of the most recognised ways people take responsibility for their drinking. She would see that as a very positive sign.

As it happens, it looks like he wants to brush it under the carpet.

OP - you need to make alcohol a no go zone in your home. Alcohol makes your husband violent. Don't allow it into your home and that includes you drinking it as well. If your relationship is fine without alcohol then what are you missing out on - just the misery which comes from your husbands drinking.

Don't send mixed messages to him - a little drink will never be enough for him.

DoItTooJulia · 09/04/2014 06:29

Woah there with the mixed messages things. It is not ops fault that this has happened.

Either he is or isn't drinking. With or without OP drinking or not. Wouldn't it be lovely of you could share a bottle of decent plonk and go to bed happy? What a shame that he has to spoil it, and force you into the wine monitor role.

Sounds to me like you have a healthy attitude to drinking and he doesn't. Only he can change that. Good luck.

rpitchfo · 09/04/2014 06:54

Did he throw the glass at you? Or just the wine inside?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 06:57

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Have you previously tried to control and or police the amount he drinks?. That way madness lies. It does not work.

Your man cannot do social drinking if he indeed does have a drink problem. He really should not be drinking alcohol at all, even with you. I would also make your home an alcohol free one. Stop also with the looking up of AA meetings; he does not want to go there anyway and this behaviour of yours is enabling him. This is you trying to sort out his problem for him; you absolutely must not take any ownership of this at all. All enabling gives you is a false sense of control.

I doubt very much he will be able to give up drinking on his own and I would seriously consider asking him to leave.

Original poster
Noseypoke · 09/04/2014 08:45

Bad behaviour to say "enough's enough, you have to drive my children tomorrow", really? He has form for one more glass turning into drinking the whole bottle.

Also drinking one glass would mean the rest would be drunk today otherwise it would be a waste, whereas a £20 bottle would have been better saved for something more special.

The period of abstinence was more from a health, weight loss and money saving perspective rather than having a drink problem, but it became clear to me last night that actually DH does. We didn't drink anything for Sept and Oct last year and were trying to do the same in April and May. The arrival of two unexpected bottles of wine in a John Lewis box was too much temptation it seems.

I've never tried to "control" his drinking apart from once when he thought it was acceptable to be ploughing through the wine I'd bought to take to family at Xmas with no opportunity to buy any more as the shops were shut. Again he just wanted one more glass, but I said it was utterly ridiculous to turn up at someone's house with a part opened bottle of wine let alone transport it several hundred miles in the car with the risk of spillage.

He is a good husband apart from this so I don't feel that LTB is necessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noseypoke · 09/04/2014 08:46

And he threw the whole glass which shattered against the wall and all over the kids toys

OP posts:
noddyholder · 09/04/2014 08:49

He threw a glass of wine at you and you think he's a good husband?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 09:07

Why do you think he is a good husband?. Do you think that all "good husbands" act like yours has done?.

I presume you will now remove the toys and wash the wine off. Why isn't he doing that?. He threw the wine.

Re these comments:-
"The period of abstinence was more from a health, weight loss and money saving perspective rather than having a drink problem, but it became clear to me last night that actually DH does. We didn't drink anything for Sept and Oct last year and were trying to do the same in April and May. The arrival of two unexpected bottles of wine in a John Lewis box was too much temptation it seems".

"I've never tried to "control" his drinking apart from once when he thought it was acceptable to be ploughing through the wine I'd bought to take to family at Xmas with no opportunity to buy any more as the shops were shut. Again he just wanted one more glass, but I said it was utterly ridiculous to turn up at someone's house with a part opened bottle of wine let alone transport it several hundred miles in the car with the risk of spillage".

Both of these above comments of yours point all too clearly to your DH having a dependency on alcohol. Your actions as well have not helped you or him. Its never one more glass either as you have also seen. Is this really what you want for yourself and by turn your children?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 09:09

I would also now consider talking to Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers. You cannot help him but you can certainly help your own self.

Original poster
Noseypoke · 09/04/2014 09:20

We've had 19 years together with no hint or threat of violence and few harsh words between us Noddy, so yes he has been a good husband apart from this one uncharacteristic incident.

We have the usual gripes re housework, but he does more than his fair share of some things e.g. School run.

I was out this evening and the first bottle was open when I got home, so I don't see how my actions have caused this.

OP posts:
Spaghettinetti · 09/04/2014 13:43

I'd be inclined to think this is about more than the wine. Could something else be bothering him? I'm not condoning throwing a glass and it might be that he does have a problem with alcohol, but I've also seen this behaviour from a loving husband (not mine) and father (who would never lay a hand on his wife or children) when he was going through something particularly stressful...

borisgudanov · 09/04/2014 13:44

One uncharacteristic incident?

Let it pass and incidents like that will soon cease to be uncharacteristic.

noddyholder · 09/04/2014 13:47

Throwing a glass is not the same as eg storming out/slamming door etc. A glass in the face has life long implications and I am surprised you are taking it so casually. Him sweeping it up could just as easily be a doctor picking it from your skin

FabULouse · 09/04/2014 13:49

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