DH has just thrown a glass at me

[Noseypoke]

He was given 2 £20 bottles of wine by a client tonight.

We drank one with our dinner. At 11pm he appeared in the living room having opened the second. Bear in mind we are both working tomorrow and DH has to drive our two kids half an hour to my parents and then to work.

I was not best pleased and started saying what a waste it was, he should have saved it until the weekend and if he drank more than one glass he was not to drive the kids.

He said it was his to do with what he liked and how dare I tell him what to do, and asked what I had been smoking.

I said I was the one who should be asking what he was on, at which point he threw his glass of wine at me.

The background is that we were supposed to be having a period of abstinence as DH just does not know where to stop when it comes to wine.

He's currently in the kitchen holding his head in his hands having cleared up the glass.

I've been looking up AA meetings.

Any advice?

he was wrong to throw the glass but you were wrong to try and control what he was doing.

OP, I would get him to his GP and discuss the problem there. There may be alcohol treatment services where you live that are better than AA. There are also really good pharmacological assists now (drugs that make you sick if you drink, for instance) that may be worth discussing. I'm not suggesting he goes on them forever, but they may help break the pattern. It's important he realises there's a problem and takes some steps to sort it.

This may also mean you cutting alcohol out of your life for a while to support him (sorry).

I don't think she was trying to control. I would definitely say something re alcohol if it was my dh and he had work and had to drive kids in teh morning. And even if she was he could have told her to butt out throwing a glass has no excuse

Blimey I don't think op was bu or controlling. I do think she has to make a credible threat that either he stops drinking or he loses his family though.

I don't think the op was controlling. I think she was offering some sensible advice! I mean since when was having a bottle of wine a good idea at 11pm when you have commitments the next morning.

Throwing a glass is harsh. It's sounds like frustration.

I know plenty of people who've got sober and stayed sober with AA. Don't dismiss it out of hand. The stats re relapse are US-based ones which are skewed by the number of people forced to attend meetings by their parole/probation terms.
However, why is the OP looking up AA meetings? That's for her DP to do, if he wants to. She could go to Al-Anon and find out why you can't stop people drinking if they want to.

Don't stay with a man who throws things at you.

What respect does he have for you if he does that?
What respect do you have for yourself if you stay when he does that?

it starts with a glass of wine being thrown because he clearly has an issue. What next? As the others have said seek advice from AA. Also speak to him about it. Has he a history of this? Has he any work/personal ssues that have given him cause to be this? I am not justifying his actions bit was/is he a loving husband amd father. Speak to him. Be truthful. If you can sort this before it escalates then brilliant but if not then I do fear for you. Good luck.

OP, he clearly has a drink problem to the detriment of others, especially you, you don't have to accept that, it's a relationship killer.

Tbh, the glass throwing would be the last straw for me, even once, it's never acceptable. Unless he changes his habit expect more of the same.

By the way, the glass throwing incident that I mentioned happened over 20 years ago and the man that threw the glass never did anything like it again - it was 'uncharacteristic', just as you describe your DH's behaviour. You do have to protect yourself though and really think about whether it could happen again...

This one's tricky.

Of course I agree with everyone else, throwing a glass is dangerous and violent.

But I also agree re mixed messages regarding your (both of your) drinking.

I also have to say that I don't think drinking more than half a bottle of wine is a huge amount for a man and certainly doesn't mean he is an alcoholic - it is his behaviour and decisions when he is drinking or during a drinking phase that matters.

Once 15 years ago I hit my dh several times with a ladle during a row- I have never, ever hit him again.

Hello OP. Alcohol is a perverse drug, it's the only drug that we are encouraged to take, the only drug that if we say we don't take it we are thought either boring, weird or an alcoholic. It is hard to give up for many reasons, not least the deep social conditioning in this country that drinking is a normal, if not essential, part of adult life. Have a look at the soberistas website and forum, there is an interesting reading list there and you might find some support and advice on the forum that gives an alternative to the AA approach which, while it helps many, does not work for all. Of course it is your DH who needs to be looking into this but as others have said you can't make him change.

If your DH doesn't want any help re his drinking problem what are your next moves OP?

Throwing a glass of wine that (thankfully) shattered on a wall puts a different reflection on his behaviour.

But I would still advise that YOU look to your own behaviour OP. You have controlling behaviours yourself which is not part of a healthy relationship.

I certainly didn't say that you caused this incident. However, your OP and further posts suggest that 'you told him.....' so you are trying to control.

Are you both smoking weed?

Neither of us take any kind of illegal drugs!!

Good Lord, i cant win can I?!?! Some of you are saying I'm enabling his behaviour by not stopping him drinking wine in the house and yet others say I'm controlling by trying to stop him!

I've related to you the two occasions I have ever asked him to stop drinking in 19 years. Once as the wine was meant for someone else with no opportunity to replace it and the other night, when I felt that opening a bottle of wine at 11pm when he had to drive my kids in the morning was a bad idea. Both perfectly reasonable and I disagree that either is controlling.

The wine was there and open when I got home, he was going to drink it no matter whether I drank any or not. Up until now there has never been any issue with his behaviour when drinking, the issue has only been that once he has started drinking he finds it difficult to stop. He has gone months without drinking at all, so I had never thought he was an alcoholic and did not see any issue with sharing a bottle of wine. I wouldn't have seen a massive issue with opening another if it had been a Friday night and neither of us had to drive in the morning either.

But clearly there is more of an issue than I thought and DH has said there will be no more drinking and has made an appointment to get some help tomorrow.

I don't believe the glass was ever intended to hit me, but the wall. I don't believe there's any danger of a repeat either. He has always been a loving father and husband and this really was uncharacteristic. He is quite stressed over his friend dying of cancer which I think may have had a lot to do with his actions. Doesn't excuse it I know, but may go some way to explaining it.

Noseypoke.....you know your husband better than any of us. You mentioned what had happened on a oublic forum so will get advice or comments from a broad spectrum.
The fact your husband has sought out help is, in my opinion, brilliant news. Good for him. I hope he sticks to it.
Keep us informed how he gets on.

Giving up alcohol for prolonged periods but not being able to stop once you start are classic signs of alcoholism. Behaving so out of character that you throw a glass at someone is a sign that the drink is controlling him. The only question is how to deal with it.