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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me, 6 year old and 5 month baby. Katiejon/Just eat.

108 replies

Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:21

I've posted b4, dh has now walked out.
He packed a suitcase in front of dc's, stormed out angrily and drove off.
He hasn't contacted us since.
His family say they don't know where he is.
His secretary said he was at work, I made up some lie to find out if he had contacted her, cos after 48 hours of no contact, I was going 2 report him to the police as missing.
Solicitor said to wait and see wot happens.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 07/04/2014 22:22

You know what, with your previous threads in mind, good riddance. He is a waste of space. Talk to a solicitor and find out what your rights are. But he is most likely at his mums, and I bet they love the drama, and the thought of you fretting.

Sad Sorry. Flowers and Cake

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:23

He adores dc's.
WTF do I do?

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 07/04/2014 22:23

You do nothing. You start divorce proceedings, and ensure you have a shit hot solicitor that can fight your case.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/04/2014 22:23

Stupid question but did you row or did he just snap?

morethanpotatoprints · 07/04/2014 22:24

Sorry, really don't know what to say, it must be a big panic for you.

Logg1e · 07/04/2014 22:24

His behaviour isn't showing adoration, or even basic care.

Logg1e · 07/04/2014 22:25

It didn't just happen today morethan.

gamerchick · 07/04/2014 22:26

Have to admit I thought good riddance as well from what you've posted about him. I know you don't think that though.

I'm perhaps thinking that you've been 'asking too many questions lately' and he's gone to punish you and bring you back into line.

What do you want to happen~?

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:26

I asked him a question, escalated into a row, then he packed a suitcase in front of both dcs and drove off.

OP posts:
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 07/04/2014 22:28

Get yourself to bed and try get some sleep. You can bet he will be somewhere safe and warm not giving you or the DC's a second thought.
First thing tomorrow get a solicitor.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:28

Part of me says good riddance, but the other half wants to sort things out cos its been so hard on my own, and dd wants dad back.
But I can't live as before.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 07/04/2014 22:29

He does not want you to know the answer to that question. Your solicitor can ask for full disclosure. You have some basic ideas.

Start with copying his payslips, and anything you have relating to his financial information

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:30

Probably is trying to punish me.
I don't know what to do, turn up where he works?
I can't just sit waiting for him to communicate with me.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 07/04/2014 22:31

No, do neither. Plan your life without him, and pretend like you dont care.

If getting him back on your terms is what you want, you dont achieve that by chasing after him. Get the upper hand by taking control.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:32

I don't have his payslips.
He transfers money into our joint account to pay bills, I objected cos I want to know his salary so we can do a budget.
That's partly why he left, cos I asked him his salary.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/04/2014 22:33

But that's what he wants you to do and he'll wait until you're properly chastised and nothing will change :(

Do things different to how you would normally, he won't be expecting it.

I know how hard it is when you have kids tugging on your heartstrings but it's not good for them seeing their mum unhappy. Something needs to give.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:34

I can't chase, I agree.
However, dd is devastated. She phoned his brother to ask where daddy is, moron said daddy on holiday.
She disbelieved him.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/04/2014 22:35

You've been asking his salary for a while, he won't tell you in this current scenario.

Try and get some sleep and put your ducks in a row in the morning.. don't chase him or you'll get nowhere.

IAmDoneNow · 07/04/2014 22:36

He is not a good Dad to do that to his child.

Quinteszilla · 07/04/2014 22:38

Of course his brother will side with your dh, his brother is his benefactor and I reckon he thinks he will get MORE money from your dh if you and him split. dont involve him in anything.

Walkacrossthesand · 07/04/2014 22:39

He will be expecting you to be on tenterhooks, worried etc - so when he makes a grand entrance you'll collapse with relief and beg forgiveness for being such a demanding wife.

Don't do it. You know that you don't want things as they were before - his action in storming off demonstrates that the previous 'status quo' is the way he wants things. Impasse. Hold firm to what you want, and know to be right - and if that means making plans for a life without him, so be it. Don't chase him, don't beg or plead - fix your colours to the mast, as Shakespeare would have said. You have right (in this country/culture at least) on your side.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:39

I agree, must be on my terms. No chasing.
Left him a calm message to contact me to tell me what he wants to do, reminding him we have 2 children.
Thought I left my chasing days behind when I got married.
I know, give him time to decide wot he wants.
I use the time to decide what I want.
And get every penny I can from him!!

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 07/04/2014 22:43

X-post - and please help your DD by distracting her away from constantly trying to 'find Daddy' - perhaps say that you don't know where he is so let's keep busy shall we? Reassure her that the argument was between you, not about her, it wasn't her fault, and sometimes when we don't know what's going to happen we just have to wait, very patiently - but you're not going to leave her. Poor thing - and feel red-hot righteous anger at his arrogance and selfishness, doing that to his DD.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:44

Am not on tenterhooks, but I know exactly wot u mean, he wants to punish me maybe.
Fat chance!
He's simply shown, in the eyes of the law, how effing irresponsible he is.
Plus, I don't know if I want him back.
I use this time to think.
I'm not dumb!
If we do divorce, I will own property his family live in. Must do land registry search!
I can evict them!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/04/2014 22:46

Good.. now don't contact him again. You've asked a question so wait for the answer. You not chasing him will do his swede in because it wont fit the picture in his head.

Get up tomorrow and carry on with your day, tell your daughter something to pacify her for the minute or distract her with something and just behave normally.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and find out your rights, even if you never need to use them and make a plan just in case.

If you don't need it then you don't need it, but it'll keep you focused on the path ahead instead of turning on the spot glancing at the past.