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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me, 6 year old and 5 month baby. Katiejon/Just eat.

108 replies

Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:21

I've posted b4, dh has now walked out.
He packed a suitcase in front of dc's, stormed out angrily and drove off.
He hasn't contacted us since.
His family say they don't know where he is.
His secretary said he was at work, I made up some lie to find out if he had contacted her, cos after 48 hours of no contact, I was going 2 report him to the police as missing.
Solicitor said to wait and see wot happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:46

Hi walk, am doing just that.
She watched Frozen 8 times yesterday!
Told her dad will go to his family to eat and sleep, cos hotels expensive and he likes family cooking.
He pissed off the wrong person (me.).

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:49

Hi gamer, am doing just that.
I text him at nite to tell him house is locked and alarm is on, so if he does come back, the system will go off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:50

My solicitor said early days. I can file for separation.I said I'm not ready for that.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 07/04/2014 22:54

A 'judicial separation' isn't a divorce - it's a legal recognition that a married couple are to revert to 2 separate individuals in the eyes of the law. Might be a useful first step in your situation, but I don't know much about if - find out more before deciding you're not ready for it!

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 22:57

How do I serve papers when I don't know where he is?
He works in different places during the week.

OP posts:
independentfriend · 07/04/2014 23:14

Your solicitor will sort out serving papers. If needs be they can get someone to serve papers on him in person. Concentrate on immediately important things: food, sleep, entertainment for children over the holidays, a bank account of your own (if you don't already have one), removing any overdraft facility on any joint account, making sure the household bills are paid, tax credits claim (end any joint one and making one as you). If you need to claim JSA/IS then do so.

Original poster
Justeat · 08/04/2014 04:53

Thanks independent. Very good advice, it echoes what a professional told me.
Meeting with dd teacher today.
Have told my neighbours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 08/04/2014 10:49

Dh texted me. He wants to c kids on Thursday.
I told him via ansaphone that I'm not communicating via text or ansafone, we need to talk in person.
I told him not seeing kids until we have spoken, cos dd v upset and he needs to understand the effect his behaviour has had on the 3 of us, me and dcs.

We must resolve things b4 I allow him back, if he wants to come back.
I am prepared to separate.
Ive not told him this 2 points.

If he comes back, he may walk agin.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 08/04/2014 12:45

let the kids see him in a public space eg park. with you nearby.

it isn't fair on kids to not let them see him.

you sorting out stuff with him is separate. and you can do that via solicitor. or with a mediator. don't meet him on your own to discuss things. he will railroad you.

start setting set times when the kids see him - so if it will be Thursday pm in the park then Thursday pm in the park.

Cabrinha · 08/04/2014 14:30

Look, I know this is massively upsetting for you, but FFS, start protecting your 6yo from this. You agreed yesterday it was wrong to involve her in searching for her father, why on earth have you just let her phone her uncle.
Your job as a mother is to keep her out of this.

Original poster
Justeat · 09/04/2014 21:25

Dh wants to move back.
I want marriage counselling.
Dd not been to school this week, she won't stay without me, I had to bring her back home.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/04/2014 21:29

Does he think you've been suitably chastised yet OP? have you chased him.. are you willing to shut up about the wage thing/the food thing/and all the other stuff now?

Quitelikely · 09/04/2014 21:36

Going against the grain here BUT you know his salary just because he doesn't tell you his pay after overtime why is that a marriage breaker. Surely you can add up his extra hours and work out roughly what he is taking home each month. Re not being able to budget. Well how have yous managed so far?

Two adults with children should be putting more consideration into the effects of their behaviour

Quitelikely · 09/04/2014 21:36

On the children.

Original poster
Justeat · 09/04/2014 21:38

Hi gamer.
We spoke on the phone yesterday.
I've told him I won't live like before, but he wants me to carry on like before.
He is refusing counselling at the moment.
I don't think I want him back, but I need his help with the children as my body isn't strong enough to look after 2 active kids, I'm still suffering pain from severe SPD from pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 09/04/2014 21:40

The marriage breaker is thst he walked out on us, in front of dd.
What do we do if I let him back and he does it again?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/04/2014 21:47

yes but quite if your bloke wouldn't eat your cooking full stop and went to his mothers after you had cooked for him and coupled with not wanting to disclose pay (and walking out on them because of that question) and christ knows what else that i'm forgetting right now.. that would be alright with you

If you let him back in right now OP feeling the way he does and you beaten into submission because you need physical help and nothing changes (because it wont' his leaving was meant to shut you up).. what then?

gamerchick · 09/04/2014 21:48

and what was it about the brother being the one to get his money or something?

Original poster
Justeat · 09/04/2014 21:54

Could we separate but he still have daily contact with children, bedtime for example?
I'm in bed now with pain.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 09/04/2014 21:54

Hmm. Yes, quite, consideration on the effects of their behavior, like , umm, not just walking out on them, d'ya think?

Quitelikely · 09/04/2014 21:54

Even if he eats from his mother every day surely there is a story behind this? Odd but not the most disastrous thing a relationship could endure.

It's the second time I've asked op why she can't estimate whst his overtime is. She knows his salary. Surely a rough estimate is possible. It just doesn't add up for me. (Mind the pun)

Logg1e · 09/04/2014 21:55

I just can't get a picture if this situation.

OP are you in the UK? Is English your first language and how would you describe your husband's culture/background?

SavoyCabbage · 09/04/2014 21:57

I haven't read your other thread but you sound stronger now than. You did at the start of this one.

He sounds like he has no respect for you at all. And he does not sound like a good father. He's going to be pulling you down for the rest of your life if you stay with him.

Packing in front of your dd like that and then telling her he's gone on holiday is not the behaviour of a good dad. He should be putting her first.

Original poster
Justeat · 09/04/2014 22:02

His brother told her he was on holiday.
I'm in uk, English is my first language.
Dh English too.
I feel stronger now, but I'm wondering if I'm coping cos I'm in shock.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 09/04/2014 22:06

He doesn't adore her, Just.

If you just up and left your DD, would you expect people to say how much you loved your DD?

No, you'd expect them to be absolutely appalled that a mother would be so unfeeling. Why is it different for him?