Can't control this jealousy :(

[Tops38]

I've been married for 15 Years,have four children,our own home etc. I'm so jealous and possessive and I hate it. Hubby doesn't go out much at all but when he does he is stupid,gets ridiculously drunk,goes AWOL,loses things. He's very friendly and the thought of him flirting makes me feel physically sick.
When he's out I sit and torture myself with what he could be doing.Each time he's planning a night out I argue with him for days before hand,I threaten divorce. I just get so unbelievably upset and angry that he's actually going out I can never say goodbye to him when he goes out,usually I tell him I hate him and not to bother coming home
We then don't speak for a day or two afterwards. It sucks but I can't help it.
My dad had an affair for years behind our backs and walked out one day and that started my trust issues.
Then I caught hubby exchanging disgusting emails with a colleague in a different part of the country years ago when I was pregnant which gutted me. Nothing physical happened,he was being stupid,they never met but it still made me wary. I know I chose to stay but I love him and he's a good dad.He's never cheated,he works hard but I just don't trust anyone and I don't know what to do :(

Yip, ask for cbt, it cured my jealousy problem and I realised ex was a manipulative arse who liked to have me in that desperate and needy state.

And FWIW it is a massive thing to admit you have a problem with jealousy, whatever the reasons behind it. To admit that, and ask for help, only to be attacked by people, is pretty sad and unhelpful for the OP.
Tbh your husband does sound a big part of the problem.

I have two suggestions

1. tell him you're going out and will be back at 12. Ring him at 6am asking to be picked up from somewhere far away. See how he likes it.

2. more sensibly, get counselling and use it as a way to express why his actions hurt you so much. Perhaps, if you express it in the right way... He will listen

He sounds very similar to my DDs DF.

Even without the history with the emails , most people would have a problem with the way he behaves when he goes out. I think if you would have titled this thread something like problem with husband behaviour when out , you might have got different responses. Unfortunately you've framed it as a jealousy issue and people have run with that.

He doesn't get to tell you there's no problems in your marriage. He's not even willing to listen to you.

I don't understand the horrible responses to you OP.

Your husband fucks off for hours at a time, you have no idea where he is, he doesn't come home when he says, you know he's getting pissed, blah blah..

I hope you are able to go out and behave in the same way at the very least.

He sounds a knob disguised as a 'nice bloke'. He doesn't sound nice to me. He has young children and he behaves like a fucking arsehole.

...oh and this nice chappy, who is just a nice outgoing guy (ops words) sent sleazy crappy emails to some bint telling what and how he would like to fuck her?

He isn't nice Op. He sounds a right slime-ball.

He says it's because I object so much to him going out that when he does he "rebels". He hardly ever goes out , last time was January but he just gets absolutely hammered drunk. In between though he's great :(

I really appreciate the nicer replies, luckily I can brush the unhelpful mean ones off but if someone else more sensitive posts on here asking for guidance god help them the way some of you react!

OP, from his response to you mentioning counselling I'm not quite sure how you'd broach this, but as difficult as you'd find it, I think you need to offer a little 'give and take' as a starting point. Give him a little space (i.e. bite your lip) to prove that he wont always go to extremes on a night out to slowly build the trust back up. There is no magic switch to stop you from feeling the anxiety that comes with jealousy or the pain you felt from his previous behaviour. However, slowly over time, maybe if you can display less of your anxiety & this should slowly stop him from going to extremes when out, as he'll feel more comfortable which will inturn make you feel more comfortable with him going out.

I used to be jealous and when I stupidly accused DH of things with no proof, his subsequent hurt devastated me even more. So I slowly learned to trust, gave him his space, which made him happier and he appreciated and loved me more for the trust I had in him. It takes time, but you can get there and it's good for you too, realising that you're stronger than you thought. When trust has been broken it is very difficult not to be frightened that it'll happen again, but you need to be 'cross that bridge when I come to it' as it might never happen and in the meantime it will eat you up.

Good luck x

Thankyou x I did that . He started by going out just for a couple of hours,returning sober and on time to prove he could be trusted. Went on a few work dinners and arrived home merry and all was great. Think he did that's four times. Then went out last time and ended up being carried in the house at 4am by friends.
I get annoyed by how irresponsible a grown man can be, anything can happen to him in that state. He has kids ffs.

tops I agree,you have a husband problem.

'Rebelling' FFS! How old is this man?!

Seriously - the fact he is even attempting to acknowledge the issue anymore is a big piss take.

He has put all the hurt squarely on your toes now.

I would fuck him and go get that councilling - for yourself. I think the fact that he gotten away with this shit behaviour is a symptom of your own low self esteem.

Focus on fixing your self and the next time he goes out - no screaming or shouting or tears. Just be calm and tell him that if he fucks up - his bags will be waiting outside. Turn your phone off and go to bed. Bring carried in the house in a state or wondering around not knowing where he is, is unacceptable.

Why should he change when he constantly gets away with it?

I do have no self esteem. I've piled weight on. i used to be a size 8 now Im an 18.I don't go out,my whole life is my children. The thought of being left with four kids,one who has severe special needs and one who is only 7 months old,scares the crap out of me. I haven't worked since I had my eldest. And I do love him and I know he loves me.
His family are Irish,big drinkers socially,hard workers in the week,so to him getting paraletic is "ok".He HONESTLY doesn't see it as a problem.
He said last night he knows its him that's made me this way,he is sorry but he can't change what he did,then threw the " but I'm not staying in for the rest if my life " Line in. Stale mate.

How do you resolve issues with someone who doesn't think there are issues? :-/

Your problem is not jealousy, I agree with the posters who were able to read between the lines.

I have had a jealousy problem in the past, this does not read as jealousy so much but a problem with how he disrespects you.

Being carried home at 4.am? not knowing where he is etc? yeah, I don't blame you for not wanting him to go out. I can plainly see why you act the way you do. You are NOT domestically violent, you are reacting to being treated badly.

I think he is being a pig to you and no wonder you haven't got over the emails when he seems pretty dismissive over the hurt it caused. And he is rebelling? yeah, your problem is your husband not jealousy.

My husband doesn't go out but if he did he wouldn't go out until 4.am getting pissed like that if he knew it caused me distress. I am not saying he wouldn't go out at all but neither of us would do something like that if the other was very distressed about it. You are not controlling, you have a genuine reason why his drinking behaviour affects you and I am sorry to say, if he can't respect that and make it a bit easier for you by coming home a bit earlier or something then I think your marriage is doomed to failure, or you are doomed to be living like this for the rest of your life. Again, I am not saying he shouldn't go out at all, but if I was your husband I would darn well be coming home earlier and I wouldn't be going AWOL because my husbands feelings are more important.

Get that counselling for yourself and well done for sticking around after the harsh replies you got from people who couldn't manage to see it from the other side and realise that the problem is probably not jealousy.

Tops you can't resolve this if he isn't willing to.

I think the first steps for you is counselling, work on your self-esteem and then it will hopefully be easier.

Baby steps go for counselling, that will help you work through your feelings. Try not to think to far into the future now, get the counselling, go to your GP who will put you into contact with someone.

I agree with PP.
You need to work on yourself for the time being.
Get to your GP and get some counselling.
As others have stated CBT is meant to be really good.
Once you can get to grips with who you are and get your self-esteem sorted, you'll probably find the rest will fall into place.

Your 'D'H sounds like a knob by the way. Not necessarily what you want to hear but what he's done is not good or respectful.

I think freakyfryme is spot on

What he actually means it that he doesn't think there's any problems , and he doesn't see the need to change because he's perfectly happy the way things are. In my experience folk don't respond to words , they respond to actions and negative consequences.

Start working on your self esteem . Get to a gym if you can , get in touch with old friends and start living a bit. He probably sees you as safe solid and dependable.

OP i can empathise. I have acute jealousy issues and have had for many many years. I was with someone for over ten years who did not help matters (although, he did not cause the issue, my father's behaviour in my childhood did). I would compare that relationship to your current one although we had no children. He was also dismissive when i said I wanted counselling, i also lost contact with friends in case he took the opportunity to see his friends cos I was seeing mine, panicked the whole time he was out, gave him hell in the lead up to a night out and so on. I wanted to reply to your note because firstly i know how mortifying it is to admit to this behaviour, you have chosen to make yourself vulnerable in doing so and that is fucking hard. Now to my point! I am now married to someone else and have 2 toddlers and a baby on the way, yet my jealous tendencies remain. Around 3 months ago i just thought fuck this, we learn our cognitive reactions to things in early childhood and I'll be fucked if my small innocent children learn this from me and grow up to be insecure in their relationships and I decided to get help. I am now 5 sessions into CBT and although I'm still unsure where it's all leading i feel so much more secure in MYSELF because i made the decision to change- not my dad, not my ex, not even my (lovely) dh, but just me. I have purposefully not mentioned your h's previous behaviour as i don't think its worth focusing on that, i think you will be better off taking control of your life, your mental health and doing it so you can enjoy living your life, setting healthy examples to your kids- what better motivation? If your h comes along for the ride, great, if not, frankly, fuck him, he wasn't worth it anyway. I wish you all the luck in the world, I'm certainly no expert so i hope I've not come across as ranty, i just wanted you to know you're not alone and it can get better if you want it to, which i can see you do.

Thankyou everyone x
So I tried my best. Hubby had a work do he'd been planning for ages,I'd already started getting in a mood by Sunday last week so I pulled myself together,told him he needed to show me he could be trusted and didn't mention it anymore.He went straight from work yesterday,I didn't get upset ,spoke to him after work,he called to say night to the kids,had a few texts whilst he was out.Exchanged "love you"s and I went to bed. Dog woke me up at half three when he must have got in.Kids were all up by six thirty so we came downstairs and all snuggled up with breakfast watching a film quietly so he could sleep.
Then I just hear movement upstairs,at half ten,and I'm literally smiling thinking OMG he's up,our Saturday isn't ruined,he cant be that hungover!
Bounded upstairs to find him literally crawling from the toilet stinking of drink,saying "I feel sick".He climbed back into bed and put the pillow over his head. Tosser.

I still think counselling would be a good idea, but for just you, not him. He's made it quite clear that he's not going to change and I think counselling would help you to come to terms with what you are prepared to tolerate in your marriage and what issues you can work through.

I spoke to the GP yesterday arches referred me to the therapy team,Thankyou x

Arches?? And he *

I'm just looking how to file for divorce. I'm sure he won't agree to it so how on earth will I afford to pay for a solicitor? :(

Tops, what a lovely and courageous woman you are. First of all I take my hat off to you for your tenacity in hanging in there and empathy for your perceived problem with jealousy. It is a horrible feeling and you are very brave to come on here even though it transpires your problem runs a lot deeper.

I have not read the whole thread, but aside from your children seeing your "jealousy" and its negative connotations, I would see your husband stinking of alcohol and being sick etc, plus the tension in your household as dangerous for their mental health.

I grew up in a home where alcohol played a role and the anxiety never really leaves you. Do not underestimate as parents what this is doing to your kids. All the best and many hugs to you.

While I deplore violence of any kind especially domestic violence! I can't help but point out that you do admit to rather aggressively taking your husband's pillow so you do bear a modicum of responsibility for this sad affair. Stay strong sister you'll get throug this :-)