Can't control this jealousy :(

[Tops38]

I've been married for 15 Years,have four children,our own home etc. I'm so jealous and possessive and I hate it. Hubby doesn't go out much at all but when he does he is stupid,gets ridiculously drunk,goes AWOL,loses things. He's very friendly and the thought of him flirting makes me feel physically sick.
When he's out I sit and torture myself with what he could be doing.Each time he's planning a night out I argue with him for days before hand,I threaten divorce. I just get so unbelievably upset and angry that he's actually going out I can never say goodbye to him when he goes out,usually I tell him I hate him and not to bother coming home
We then don't speak for a day or two afterwards. It sucks but I can't help it.
My dad had an affair for years behind our backs and walked out one day and that started my trust issues.
Then I caught hubby exchanging disgusting emails with a colleague in a different part of the country years ago when I was pregnant which gutted me. Nothing physical happened,he was being stupid,they never met but it still made me wary. I know I chose to stay but I love him and he's a good dad.He's never cheated,he works hard but I just don't trust anyone and I don't know what to do :(

You may not argue in front of the children but this is emotional abuse and unfair to him. We're here to help, if you'll let us

And yet you say you drag this out for days with silent treatment to boot? Ookay then

Let him go or get some help.. There is no other option to be had.

Tops - if you post, you have to accept that people will not agree with you.

For what it's worth, your husband behaved badly and you had every right to be upset about that but what others are saying is that you need to get past this for the sake of your marriage and having some counselling seems like it'd be the best option, otherwise regardless of who is to blame, your jealousy will drive your husband away for good.

will=might

I totally appreciate people will have their opinions but its been bloody hard to come on here and ask for advice and I feel like running away already.

Trust , once broken is very hard to get back . Was it really resolved or just swept under the carpet?

You said when he gets drunk he's stupid , loses things , goes awol. If he goes missing I can understand why you get so upset. Where don't establish he go ?

He says he will be back at say 12,then stumbles in at 6. He loses phones,bank cards. I've had to go pick him up from a street twenty miles away before with him not remembering how he got there.

You will get help, don't run away.. stick at it.

Well I understand why that would annoy you. What does he say about his actions? What does he say about it happening again?

We've GIVEN you advice! We've said you need to either find a way to control your jealousy or split up. We've suggested counselling as a way forward to trying to control your jealousy. But rather than say you will look into it, you've argued the toss over whether you are abusive and twice told us you're going to leave him (in one case as soon as he gets home in 10 minutes) which is precisely what you do to your husband!

You're right I have to move past it. Just need to figure out how. Thankyou

Wow - op if your still reading this after the bashing your getting -

He broke your trust waaaaaaay back when he sent those emails. That must have been hard. I totally understand how you must feel about that.

That , mixed in with your dad have got you to a bad place in your head and obviously you need to go get some counselling.

Your paranoia is not unfounded - he took you to that place BUT you need to think where you go next.

Do you carry on in this toxic place or do you get yourself sorted and try and salvage your relationship? It can't be good for your both and kids do pick up on shit.

Oh how I love the straight talkers on here! dishing out their opinions behind a bloody screen.

Whoops , predictive text .

Behaving like that when he goes out is ridiculous and is surely going to cause trust issues. I'm not convinced he's done everything he should have to regain your trust because he's still displaying entitled behaviour , poor boundaries and making bad choices.

He carrots on going out regardless of how it makes you feel . I'd be upset too.

I'm used to people being judgemental sitting behind a computer screen but Thankyou so so much cigarettesandsmirnoff xx

Thankyou bad balding x

Carrots ! I meant carrys.

Two wrongs do not make a right, though, do they?

Did he behave appallingly 7 years ago? Yes.

Does he behave stupidly when he gets drunk? Yes.

Does that mean it is right that the OP is verbally abusive to him? No.

We may have been blunt on here but actually that's as it should be. Equality - being treated the same way a bloke would if he came on here and said he treated a woman like that. And maybe a bit of bluntness will encourage the OP to go to counselling....

Fwiw it sounds like he does have a problem with alcohol if he gets so drunk he stays out hours after he says he'll be home and can't keep himself or his things safe. That alone would be a huge problem for me.

Did you personally read all these emails ? Do they still replay frequently?

Unless people have experienced this sort of betrayal I don't think they can quite understand the impact. Some people with a history of betrayal take a lot to recover from it and are seriously affected by it for a long time.

I don't think you are an abusive person , I think you are scared and you don't feel safe. By exhibiting those behaviours when he goes out he's demonstrating that little has changed.

I think it quite cruel of him to do this to you actually. A few drinks in the pub , no problem. Getting shit faced and going missing when he knows it upsets you is taking the piss.

He only drinks when he goes out though and we have the odd bottle of wine or beer at home x
I read all the emails. I can repeat them word for word. Saying what he wanted to do,where they would do it,what she would be wearing. Telling her he'd message her when he waked the dog..so even now when he offers to walk the dog I remember that line. And you're right,if you haven't had that happen to you it's very hard to explain the gut wrenching hurt from"just an email".. Or "just a text".

And just for the record..being blunt,upfront.. Fine. It MAY encourage people to take action or it MAY just scare them away.

I agree with badbald

What are your next steps going to be op?

I agree with Cigarettesandsmirnoff and badbald, your husband has treated your terribly, which has resulted in your being insecure and paranoid. No wonder you get so jealous and behave irrationally. OP, it's hard to hear you are abusive when you have already admitted that you want help, there was absolutely no need for people to come on here and kick you when you're down. You came looking for advice on how to resolve an issue and some people took it upon themselves to put the boot in. Ignore them, as others have said, it's easy to be perfect behind a computer screen. Get some counselling, OP, not because you are abusive but because you deserve to be happy. Good luck, OP x

Tops38, the jealousy hasn't always been there? yes or no? because you say that it is hard to trust people because of other things that people have done to you and your father, is that right?

So maybe it really is much more than what your DH has done or even what he might be capable of doing, and much more to do with you.

I agree with others, you really need to seek counselling. Please don't up and leave, this isn't about you wilfully choosing to subject yourself to these horrid feelings, but it is up to you to seek help.

I think the abusive comments are unreasonable and should be ignored. We all argue occasionally and say things we shouldn't.

're walking the dog , he should realize this bothers you and leave his phone at home. Do you share passwords ?